Ex husband refusing to swap contact weekends

[Flossynoodle123]

Advice needed. I'm at my wits end. My DS is nearly 7. His father left when he was a newborn. By Court Order he has DS every other weekend. Unfortunately, DS has 3 important events in June and July falling on the Father's weekends. He refuses to take him and he refuses to swap weekends. There is no reason for the refusal other than it would mean he would have 2 consecutive reasons with no contact - he can't see him on an offered "extra" weekend because he's away! He has been a complete nightmare about things like this since day 1. DS is understandably very upset and tells me to just refuse to give him to Daddy. I'm considering telling him he has to swap and i'm not going to argue about it. The continuing stress of dealing with the man is making me ill. Has anyone had a similar experience. What should I do?

[Offred]

And in any case the research indicates that it is the quality of the time and not the quantity that has the most bearing on the relationship.

[peggyundercrackers]

Yes he has been offered different dates but they don't suit him as he is not available because he has taken the dates of the agreement and arranged his life around them.

[Offred]

Well he could take the child to his swimming gale then.

[peggyundercrackers]

Surely it's in the child's best interest to stick to the routine of him spending time with his father rather than go to social events whereby his relationship with his father starts to break down?

[peggyundercrackers]

But you can't force an adult to do anything with their child. Fwiw I think he should take the child to the gala but you can't force him to.

[TimeforaNNChange]

What strikes me about the "it's about what is in the best interests of the child" is that it is being stated on this thread as if there is only one right way to parent.

There are loads! It's quite possible for both the father and the mother to be motivated by "their child's best interests" and for neither parent to be "wrong".

Plenty of DCs don't have swimming galas. That doesn't mean their parents are somehow failing those DCs. Plenty of DCs sit and play on an iPad while their family eats. They are not being neglected. So,e DCs never attend their school haven't "missed out".

When neither parent is abusive or neglectful, but parents can't agree on how to parent, a parallel parenting model is often the most effective way to minimise the conflict that a DC is exposed to.

[Fourormore]

My point is, until you know the outcome you simply cannot bang on about 'why do the courts get involved they make everything worse' because you haven't yet had an attempt at resolving your conflict finalised by the court.

Haven't I? We're on our fourth final hearing. And then every time, it's taken back with a petty whinge like this and the situation deteriorates even further.

After finally getting a psychological professional involved, mother was told to back out of father's time because her attempts to direct what happens on father's time were increasing conflict and damaging the children.

We have no idea what this man does with his children on his weekends. We have no idea whether he already had plans or anything. How can we possibly judge him as a father when we haven't even heard his side of the story?

[Offred]

No, you can't force him to do it but I do think he should accept that if he is unwilling to participate in any of his child's activities then he will have less time with him.

[TimeforaNNChange]

*attend their school Fayre

[Offred]

The op has said he doesn't have plans he just doesn't want to do the activities. The child just sits in his house at contact and doesn't go out.

[peggyundercrackers]

Time that's what I'm trying to show - when people say it's in the best interest of the child there are many views about what's best for the child - at 6 a child doesn't know what's best for them. And I've no doubt many mothers and fathers who have divorced will have wildly differing views of what's best. One persons view doesn't automatically tump the other persons views - it's all subjective,

[peggyundercrackers]

Offered yes that's what the OP says but there are two sides to every story - for someone who is studying law is worrying you don't get that and take a very blinkered view of things.

[TimeforaNNChange]

The op has said he doesn't have plans he just doesn't want to do the activities. The child just sits in his house at contact and doesn't go out.

So? Plenty of parents don't place any value on activities and don't support their DCs to take part. - they're not wrong, just have a different option to you.

[Offred]

Which is fine if that's how he wants to do it but given he has half the free time if he was reasonable he'd let the op take the child to his activities.

[TimeforaNNChange]

if he was reasonable he'd let the op take the child to his activities.

Again, that's subjective. Your opinion as to what is reasonable.

[Rhubardandcustard]

My exh tried this and we first split up. DD had party and brownie event on his weekend. He said no she's not going to them I said fine so she's staying with me that weekend and you can see her your next contact weekend. I said we agreed when we split the DD should be treated as much as possible as she would had we still been together. If we were together she would be going to both events, so that's what's happening! He did agree eventually events were only couple of hours out of his weekend.

It's not the children that should suffer, as they are already going through so much with divorce. He might not think they are important events but to the children these social events are very important especially with an already fragile child having divorced parents.

Since then no problems he is very good and puts her needs first. Have to be reasonable though, if he has already made important plans eg booked Theatre trip and party come up then obviously she doesn't go to party.

[Fourormore]

That again assumes the activities are more important with time with the father. And again, we don't know what the father does with his children. We have his ex wife's account of what happens, that's all.

[Offred]

The child is still spending time with the father, as he would do if the father planned a different activity. It's important for a parent to support a child and be involved in their interests. The father gets as much out of this kind of thing (the gala) as the child does if he goes.

[TimeforaNNChange]

offred what if it wasn't a swimming gala? What if the mother was adamant that the DC should remain at home because a new TV was being delivered that weekend and the child was really excited about it and would be devastated to miss out?
Who decides whether the value the parent places on the activity is valid or not?

[Offred]

This post is about a swimming gala.

[Fourormore]

It's important for a parent to support a child and be involved in their interests.

It is far more important, in my opinion/experience, that a child is protected from unnecessary conflict.

[Offred]

Well yes, but really who is creating conflict and how is conflict reduced by the father being allowed to create more conflict and pass it onto the child?

[Fourormore]

The father has a court order in his favour. In the absence of agreement, the parents have to follow the court order. That's the law.

[Fourormore]

And again, we don't know what is actually happening because we only have the biased account of one party.

[Offred]

It is simply not the case that the parents just have to follow the order. The order can be varied or discharged by the court. The order may breakdown or the parents may move on to co-parenting by agreement. It is not as simple as you are required to follow the order over the interests of the child.