Ex husband refusing to swap contact weekends

[Flossynoodle123]

Advice needed. I'm at my wits end. My DS is nearly 7. His father left when he was a newborn. By Court Order he has DS every other weekend. Unfortunately, DS has 3 important events in June and July falling on the Father's weekends. He refuses to take him and he refuses to swap weekends. There is no reason for the refusal other than it would mean he would have 2 consecutive reasons with no contact - he can't see him on an offered "extra" weekend because he's away! He has been a complete nightmare about things like this since day 1. DS is understandably very upset and tells me to just refuse to give him to Daddy. I'm considering telling him he has to swap and i'm not going to argue about it. The continuing stress of dealing with the man is making me ill. Has anyone had a similar experience. What should I do?

[ElsieMc]

I am a grandparent carer for two young boys. One of their fathers (and his family) have been an absolute nightmare. It is about control and winning and not about love and family.

It makes me really sad to hear that he is denying his own son the opportunity to attend his swimming gala, an event that he will have worked towards. I do know how you feel and how awful it is explaining to a child why they cannot attend. I used to blame myself.

I have managed to convince gs1s dad (away from his parents) to "allow" him to play football matches on his weekends. My gs resents going to enforced contact and the attitude of his dad and his parents to date has truly been a blight on his childhood. He is in his teens now and says the minute he reaches sixteen he never wants to see any of them again. This sadly demonstrates the inevitable result of unhappy enforced contact.

Have you tried offering extra time at half term to make up for the loss of the weekend if he cannot swap? GS's dad has found this acceptable and I also offer sometimes as a thank you. Also, you do not need to keep him for the full weekend and perhaps he could drop him off (if distance is not an issue) for half a day so he could attend this event and repay at half term or holidays.

So long as you are not being obstructive I believe the court would grant an order for his attendance. The only issue being getting an emergency hearing date, the cost and bad feeling this will all cause. I hope you can change his mind.

[nicenewdusters]

Your children don't have to be the centre of your universe to enable you to act like a kind, caring parent with a functioning intellect.

It's possible to be altruistic without thinking your children are the beginning and the end.

Ultimately I think it comes down to plain decency and the ability to step outside of your adult world and think about the child. They have very little power and choice, so you shouldn't abuse yours.

[Fourormore]

If a parent came on here and said "My ex is saying I'm a useless parent because I'm not taking them to a party that's on this weekend. I only see them two weekends a month and we like to do xyz. They think all we do is sit around and I'm constantly criticised for not parenting how they want me to parent." I think the responses would be more along the lines of calling the poster's ex abusive and controlling.

is about parental alienation but is actually a fascinating look at stereotypes of separated parents.

[nicenewdusters]

I have never suggested that the father's actions are a form of child abuse.

And no, I don't think anybody is suggesting that an emergency court hearing is the way forward.

[NotQuiteSoOnEdge]

It's you.

My two DCs attendance at ballet lessons was written into our court order for precisely this reason.

Whilst you obviously think this is ludicrous, the courts don't.

[pocketsaviour]

Your children don't have to be the centre of your universe to enable you to act like a kind, caring parent with a functioning intellect.

Yet this man punched his son in the stomach to punish him for "bad behaviour". So forgive me if I don't get on the caring parent cheerleader squad for him

[Offred]

Four - if someone came on here and said that they would be asked why they weren't taking the child to the party, since it is just one party on the one hand it probably isn't important if you have something else planned but doing it is part of parenting. It isn't the other parent that is expecting you to take the child or having time with the child or benefitting in any way from the party, it is the CHILD who is wanting and expecting to go to the party and it is an opportunity for you to be involved in the child's life rather than just 'seeing them' at the weekend and having them do what you want them to do. It is a normal part of parenting to support the child's social events.

However, that situation is a completely different situation to the op's to the extent that it bears no relation.

[Offred]

And meh to any parent who punches their child, can't be bothered to take an interest in his life or his activities and then claims the other parent has alienated them... That's an F4J job innit really...

[Fourormore]

I disagree with that. If an ex husband was trying to dictate what a mother was doing on her weekends, he would be called controlling.

I still think it's very odd that the state should intervene in matters like this. They don't do it for married couples.

[Fourormore]

The problem with parental alienation is that the alienating parent isn't going to give a clear view of what's happening.

I know for a fact that my husband's ex wife lies on Internet forums about my husband being an uninterested, dangerous father. She, too, would tell you that he uses physical force to discipline the children and that the courts "just accepted it". The reality is very, very different. I accept that my experiences may be colouring the way I am reading this thread but I think it's important to keep an open mind.

[nicenewdusters]

Exactly Pocket, I can't see any grounds on which to think the father is not being unreasonable in this instance. No story is ever black and white, and given the info provided by the OP it's clear he's thinking about his own needs first, i.e what he wants to do, his desire not to co-operate with his ex, and lastly his son's wishes.

[Offred]

No, they don't do it for married couples (much though they do on occasion when there is an irresolvable dispute) because married couples live with the child and there is less likely to be conflict.

The state can be called on to make a judgement where there is a conflict that the parents have not been able to resolve themselves. This is because children have rights that need to be protected.

There is a big difference between trying to dictate what your ex partner does (e.g. Having a new partner) and saying your child should be entitled to have a social life and that if he is not prepared to support/be involved with any of the child's social events his contact had to be adjusted around those events.

Again, your description does not relate to the op's situation. If you are saying the op could be a liar then by the same argument everyone on this thread could be too, including you.

[Offred]

It is a highly old fashioned view that parents get to do what they want to a child.

Children, rightly, have their own rights in law.

[Fourormore]

Really? You disagree that, in general terms, parents should be allowed to raise their child as they see fit? The state doesn't intervene with much more serious issues than parties. Yes it's rubbish if the dad is just sat around and the child is unnecessarily missing out but (a) we don't know what the dad does during the child's time with him and (b) that is his call. That's parenting differences, not child abuse. He will pay the price for it in time.

And yes, knowing what my husband's ex wife posts, I do view everything through the lens of knowing any post can be highly biased or completely untrue.

[Offred]

Think about what you are saying and the effect it has on children; two parents with conflicting views about how the child is raised. The answer? Leave them to it? The point of the court intervention is to provide outside assessment of the child's needs and get both parents to sign up to a plan of coparenting that supports their best interests.

With an h who you claim is alienated from his DC why are you so opposed to courts/ADR in an attempt to stop a child being pulled apart because of parental vanity? They are surely his only recourse now...

When people sit back and say 'well the child will learn he/she is a bad parent' IMO that is another way of saying I want the child to learn he/she is a bad parent. That is not being supportive of the child developing a good relationship with the other parent, in fact I think it is a passive aggressive form of parental alienation.

[Offred]

And the stupidest most trivial matters dealt with by the courts are certainly not those of children's rights or welfare.

[Beachtrowel]

And the court have said eow contact with the father.
If the op wants to change that she needs to go back to court and let the court sort it out.

And not have verbal agreements.

[Offred]

I don't think you would agree that a carer of an elderly or disabled adult should be able to 'do what they want' if it includes refusing to facilitate the person's social life (or allow other people to) which is one of the reasons they are needing care I.e. Not being able to facilitate their own and being dependent on care, and the reason was the carer just didn't want to or felt that they were being controlled by being told to, that they should be able to just do what they want with the person and have them comply because they should have all the power in the situation...

I don't see that a child is any different. A child is a person not property (anymore).

[Offred]

The issue of activities was discussed in court. The judge didn't make it a part of the order because he didn't feel it needed to be ordered and the court has duties not to make orders that aren't necessary.

Given it was discussed, he committed in court to doing the activities and that's why it wasn't stipulated in the order I think it is entirely reasonable to ask the court to look at this issue again given he is refusing to support any of DS' (not the OP's) activities.

[43percentburnt]

Sadly this is all too common. It's about the parents rights not the child's interests, most parents would enjoy seeing their child in a swimming gala - especially if they only see them every fortnight.

What is often telling is the non resident parent cancels contact if they think the resident parent may be having fun or dating on their weekend off. They drop contact with the DC to spoil resident parents free time.

[nicenewdusters]

Couldn't agree with you more Offred.

[Fourormore]

I'll tell you why. It's because when you've been through four years of court, of the court trying to micromanage and making a hash of it, of the alienating parent dragging the children into the litigation, of hours and hours being spent on the tiny details like parties while the underlying psychological damage gets worse and worse, you can see that using the court for anything but the absolute essentials does nothing for anybody. It's clearly set out that outcomes for couples using court are poor. It doesn't making conflict better, it makes it worse. Divorced parents often end up with views more entrenched and the child is plunged even further into conflict. Conflict has a far worse impact on the child than missing parties.

[Offred]

I've been through 3 years of court, never had to go back because it helped manage the conflict.

In your case it doesn't sound like not going back to court has reduced the conflict either.