Ex husband refusing to swap contact weekends

[Flossynoodle123]

Advice needed. I'm at my wits end. My DS is nearly 7. His father left when he was a newborn. By Court Order he has DS every other weekend. Unfortunately, DS has 3 important events in June and July falling on the Father's weekends. He refuses to take him and he refuses to swap weekends. There is no reason for the refusal other than it would mean he would have 2 consecutive reasons with no contact - he can't see him on an offered "extra" weekend because he's away! He has been a complete nightmare about things like this since day 1. DS is understandably very upset and tells me to just refuse to give him to Daddy. I'm considering telling him he has to swap and i'm not going to argue about it. The continuing stress of dealing with the man is making me ill. Has anyone had a similar experience. What should I do?

[Offred]

I can entirely believe that has happened with the court btw. My friend is currently being taken back to court as her ex was extremely violent to her, kidnapped the children from preschool, broke their grandma's arm in front of them, drives them around when he is drunk and high, uses the 11 year old to look after the 7 and 6 year old, has taken a number of overdoses whilst they were in his care and is currently being criminally prosecuted for violent offences against his mother and brother but he is not a safeguarding risk either... Apparently... Most recent contact stopped when SS told my friend he posed a risk to them and they would go on the at risk register if she let him see them, he is now bringing her back to court again for breaching the last order, her windows were put through last week (coincidence?) and CAFCASS say there are no concerns about him because his mental health history is fine, based on a letter from his GP... Sigh, he even lives hundreds of miles away and is banned from driving... Just so crap for her. CAFCASS have to interview all the children every time he applies to court, they are visiting tomorrow despite telling her they had already decided he is fine apparently (she lets me listen to the conversations on loudspeaker)...

It's so rubbish and she is such a fantastic mum.

[Flossynoodle123]

The Order says nothing about activities but there was a verbal assurance to honour weekend commitments. Order made on the basis of his stable family life 2 days after his first 3 night contact with him, the woman he left me for and her daughter. 5 days later - a new lady in Daddy's bed! I would laugh but ….

[Offred]

Oh come on don't give it out if you can't take it.

That I'm afraid is the reality of a parent who enables the other parent to behave badly. Children don't thank you for letting them learn the hard way.

[Offred]

Explore what you can do. I can't see a benefit to allowing x to mess up his swimming gala and his beavers badge. The other things I would let slide.

[RandomMess]

I think take a 2 pronged approach. Empathise hugely with your DS, comfort him, let him rant/rave/cry etc.

Make a note of all offers and refusals and look at self representing for asking contact to be changed to accommodate DS wish to have a social life.

I know it's 5 long years until DS' voice gets heard but in the meantime take back the power your DS already sees his Dad for what he is

[Offred]

Court may take his opinion into account at any time they feel he is old enough. No rule about specific age. Depends on individual maturity and what his views are based on.

[Flossynoodle123]

offred - thank you. Really valuable and worthwhile contributions much appreciated. Don't get me started on CAFCASS _ my cafcass officer fraudulently changed dates on documents to cover her incompetence. Consequences - none. Really hard when self represented at Court as there's no comeback later.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

I would go with Offred first suggested response. Why should the parents separation so negatively impact the child's life? It's not his fault his father is an arsehole. Anyone should recognise that these activities are important to a child, even things like the school fair - everyone will be talking about it in school the next week etc.. It's completely unfair to isolate him for selfish reasons. You have offered swaps and therefore I would just keep him.

[coffeeisnectar]

I think the school disco is really important too. Put yourselves into the shoes of a six year old who is likely to be the only child not going. How disappointing and upsetting that would be.

I think these social interactions are incredibly important at this age and he should have the voice to say what he wants to do. Yes, there are times when the adults need to say no, you can't do the disco because we are going to x which has been booked for a lot longer but to just sit in his dads house? Doing what?

Definitely look at getting the Court Order changed. Your child will thank you in the long run.

[Offred]

I think some people are under the impression that you are banned from co-parenting when you have split up.

Of course you are able to have reasonable input into the other parent's parenting, reasonable input and to prevent your child being unnecessarily harmed or neglected.

What you aren't allowed to do is alienate your child from the other parent. This guy is doing a good job of alienating his own child.

The op mentioned that he doesn't have plans to do anything with DS because someone else said she was unreasonable asking him to cancel activities he was doing with DS to support activities she was doing.

Her point is, there is no reason at all for him to not support DS' activities on these weekends - he simply won't do it because he wants his son there and he won't have her changing things.

He promised the judge he would support DS' activities it can be written into a court order that that forms part of contact. I think some people are forgetting that contact is meant to be in the interests of the child not for the benefit of the parent.

And I will just leave this here; this man thought it was, and has been supported by SS, CAFCASS and the court to think it is, OK to punch him in the stomach so of course the op is worried about his competence and care - in some ways the services have left them to fend for themselves.

[Offred]

And he promised the court he would take DS to his activities....

It can be put in orders. You think it isn't important. Fine.

The op thinks it is important and so do the courts.

[coffeeisnectar]

More importantly the CHILD thinks it's important.

I had this repeatedly with my ex. Demanding to know why DD had to go to another childs party on HIS weekend. Out of my hands, other child's party. But no, it was another way to get at me and then refuse to take her and then DD would get upset and not want to go and I'd be accused of withholding contact and it was just so easily sorted - all he had to do was take her to a two hour party!

In all the years he had DD he didn't ever take her anywhere except the very odd trip to the local park and swimming once. They spent all the time at his house, him on his computer, her bored. The only time he ever attempted to go anywhere with her was when I had organised to go somewhere with my DP and DD and he would demand I get an extra ticket so he could come too. Not impressed when I said no.

I don't understand how taking your child to a party or a gala or a swimming lesson can impact time with your child. You are doing something they want to do, you are part of their social life, you meet their friends and you get to see a different bit of their life.

It's all about control with some people though.

[fuzzywuzzy]

Ime the courts do see the child's social life as important, in my case the judge was in agreement with me that my DC be allowed to have a social life and attend parties. They're hardly every single weekend.

It is not impacting the fathers contact time, op has offered to make up contact by switching her weekend with his. That's completely fair. As the father does not wish to take the child to his activities.

The courts do see that children should have balanced lives including attending social events. The father if he cared would take the child to events that fall on his weekend it's part of parenting helping your child's socialising and facilitating curricular activities.

[Elefant1]

A bit away from the main discussion, but if your DS is not able to go to the swimming gala there in no reason not to get his swimmer stage 1 badge, which is the one I assume they would be doing with Beavers.
This is what they need to do

Swimmer – stage 1

How to earn your badge

Learn the general safety rules for swimming (such as not diving into shallow water or not swimming on your own) and where it is safe to swim locally.
Show you know how to prepare for exercises such as taking part in a warm up.
Demonstrate a controlled entry, without using the steps, into at least 1.5 metres of water.
Swim 10 metres on your front.
Tread water for 30 seconds in a vertical position.
Using a buoyancy aid, float still in the water for 30 seconds.
Demonstrate your ability to retrieve an object from chest-deep water.
Perform a push and glide on both your front and back.
Swim 25 metres without stopping.
Take part in an organised swimming activity.

The swimming Gala will be "take part in an organised swimming activity" however swimming lessons would cover this. If he can do all of the above ask his swimming teacher to sign to say he can and then hand it in to the Beaver leader.
I was a Cub leader and happy to hand out badges on that basis.

And if your DS is keen on getting badges have a look here for more that he can do at home.
members.scouts.org.uk/supportresources/search/?cat=11,18

I hope however that you are able to sort it so he can go to the swimming gala.

[ALongTimeComing]

Nonsense about not getting a swimming badge if he doesn't go by the way! The requirements for the badge are on the scout website and anyone can access this. Does he have a regular swimming instructor that can sign this off for him?

[NickiFury]

Nice attitude. That's a lucky child there that has a parent who doesn't give a flying fuck about the things that are important to them because What The Adult Says Goes Just Because. I had parents like that, I couldn't wait to get away from them and cut them off for about seven years all told.

[rumblingDMexploitingbstds]

When his son is 11-12 if he decides that his father is a controlling and unpleasant individual who does not care about his wishes and feelings and has prevented him having a social life, his son will be able to refuse contact and courts will not insist otherwise. Worst case scenario, OP just is honest with child that dad says no. Child will draw own conclusions.

However courts believe children are people and their needs come first in contact. The other parent is not making an ethical decision for justified reason he is wandering from the OP's description between can't be arsed and liking to control her using their child as a weapon. Courts not so much in favour of that.

[nicenewdusters]

"Guff" ?

Yes, he's the father, but that's basically genetics in this case. What he actually is, if I remember the beginning of this thread, is a man who left his wife for another woman when the child was a tiny baby. He's clearly disengaged from his son's day to day life. He's still trying to control and upset his ex-wife, through being thoroughly unreasonable when contact dates could feasibly be slightly readjusted.

Why should the OP have to watch her son suffer unnecessarily when she knows it's sheer pigheadedness on the part of the father ? He probably will think his dad's a loser in a few years time (now?) but why put him through all this now ?

Also, I don't think of my children as having a "social life", it's a childhood. You only get one, it totally shapes your life, why should this wanker keep spoiling his sons ?

[Montane50]

Completely agree with Pearlman. And dare i say while my children are my priority, they aren't the centre of my universe. Its a balance

[Fourormore]

I'm curious about this idea that the courts can/do/should intervene on matters like this. I raise my children as I see fit and providing that care isn't at the level where social services get involved, I believe I should be left alone to do just that and expect other parents be left alone to parent the way they want to. Why should the state intervene just because a couple is divorced? They wouldn't intervene if a married couple didn't want to take a child to a party.