Managing money

[nightandthelight]

DH and I have been married two and a half years and have a three month old DS. Before getting married I earned slightly more than him (couple of thousand a year) and we split joint contributions on a proportional basis.

We then had a period after marriage where we earnt the same so all joint contributions were split equally and we had the same amount of money for ourselves each month (we have a joint current account for bills and a joint savings account and then our own accounts).

DH has just got a new job with a significant pay rise (around 10k) and I am on maternity leave so reduced income and will hopefully be returning to work part time so there will be a big difference in our salaries going forward.

I feel that life would be a lot easier and fairer if we put all our money in one pot (siphoning some off into a joint savings account as well) and treated it as family money. DH doesn't feel that this is fair though as we didn't do this when I was earning more before we were married.

I am currently struggling every month for money and any spare I have goes into our joint savings as we are in the process of buying a new house and need money for legal fees, furniture etc. DH on the other hand always has money spare and has his own savings pot which I can't afford to do. He puts the same amount as me into joint savings, any spare goes into his personal savings.

I feel that this is unfair now that we are married and have a baby and our incomes are so different. But perhaps as DH has said I am being unfair as I was happy for it to be proportionate when I was the higher earner.

I suppose technically this should be in AIBU! So AIBU to feel that we should see money as family money now and not keep everything so separate.

Forgot to mention the separate thing is also a hassle as we end up owing each other money for stuff we bought with our own accounts and endlessly swapping money back and forth.

Tell him that if this is the game my money / your money your going back full time because tbh its your only option. Working less now affects you now, leaves you vulnerable if you divorce, poorer through lack of promotions etc forever, less pension, to name a few. Plus as he earns mote you'll take kid sick days, flexi hrs etc and screw up.your career even more.
He will continue to screw you over if you let him do it now.

I went back pt and made my partner drop to pt, we take equal kid sick days, equal drop.offs and pick.ups etc for this reason, we aren't married so doubly important but still divorce and maintenance settlements wont give a shit about lost future earnings.
We earn the same and pay the same but have agreed next yr when he will earn 4x me we will pool both incomes a s split the difference. The fact I earnt more than him but paid 50%costs, and lived rent free in his house for a.yr when we first dated is neither here nor there.

It is biting me on the arse joy and I am well aware of that. If I could turn back time I would. I guess I just have to live with the consequences of it now.

DH would be perfectly happy with that Winchester. I want to go part time because my parents worked full time and I resented the lack of time with them and our relationship is poor. DH had a SAHM who he is very close to but resented the lack of money!

Oh fucking hell this is a bloody awful arrangement OP!

He's either financially abusive, or a completely horrible, selfish bastard. Which is it?

He has the right to expect you to return to work and not have to financially support you to stay at home. I say this coming from exactly the same view as you have about being a SAHM. Luckily my DH agreed but I couldn't have expected to railroad DH into my view if he hadn't.

However, be sure to spell out to him your career is just as important as his, more so if anything to catch up on time out through maternity, and you will not be doing all the flexible working around the baby so he will be expected to take unexpected time off and do half the chores every evening and weekend which would leave you all with less quality family time together.

Yh we are lucky we can both work pt but I grew up with a single parent who worked ft with five kids and I saw plenty of her so ft can work for the right parents / child combo.

I haven't railroaded him joy, he has agreed with no real pushing on my part. He just feels I guess that I have to deal with the financial consequences of that decision which is fair enough I guess.

I know that parents who work full time can spend plenty of time with their children. My parents didn't though and it has coloured how I feel about it rightly or wrongly!

It coloured my view too.

It's no wonder he agreed to your SAHM status if he isn't the one affected financially by it and NO that's not fair enough!

If you aren't accepting of the inequality, make damn sure he knows what equal is when you point out how unfair it is and that you won't disadvantage yourself by being out of the workplace and he needs to step up and take on equal parenting to allow you to take on equal work for your financial wellbeing.

YANBU you're on maternity leave for goodness sake!
Ask him how he would feel if you were the one working, earning all the money, and having plenty to spare at the end of the month. Ask him to look at this from both perspectives. Why should you have to suffer because you BOTH became parents?
Nope! Not cool. Once children come along money should go into a family pot and be split that way. Especially as you're buying a house etc

He's selfish and certainly not someone Id be pleased to have children with.

IMO he's financially abusive. Shame you just can't see it.

Joys mum I liked your valuation analogy it's spot on

Can we stop saying that OP was happy to earn more in the past, and yes this arse's probably false justification - until OP clarifies the numbers?

She said it was a couple of thousand difference and it seems to be 3 years.

That could be net or gross, but even gross it's £6K in total.

• she paid a higher proportion of bills in that time
• she paid for more than her share of the wedding
• she paid for the entire honeymoon
• she paid for their cats

So she may be "guilty" of paying for things rather than sharing out the money first. But she sure as fuck hasn't had more spending money than this shit she's married to - I would bet she has had less 😳

Will try my best to remember all the details. The first year we were together we didn't have any joint money as we lived separately paying our own rent, bills etc. As far as I am aware that is normal for a couple who are newly together and living separately?

We first moved in together in June and DH started working straight away whereas I had a job sorted but it didn't start until September. DH did therefore pay for everything that summer but I kept track of it all and once I was in work I set up a payment plan to pay back every penny which I did.

That first year living together I was earning £19000 a year before tax etc and DH was earning £16000. As said I was paying around £22 a month for the cats from my own money.

A year after living together DH got a new job which had a much lower salary but was partly based on incentive. This makes it hard to know what the difference was during that period as it changed every month, most months it was slightly less than me but some months it was more.

It was during this period that I paid for the majority of the wedding and honeymoon. They were small and low key, wedding was 2k and honeymoon was 1K.

A year after that (we were married by this point) we ended up on the same salary of £22000. It was last autumn that DH overtook me and started earning more although at that point only about 1k a year pre tax.

Then I went on mat leave and he got the job with the 10K rise.

I spoke to him last night. He can't seem to get his head around why if someone wants more they shouldn't have more spending money. I did point out that his higher earnings are not due to better qualifications, harder work or higher intelligence but because I had a baby. If I hadn't had a baby my boss had said that she would have been supporting me in promotion.

He hadn't realised how important this was to me. He did keep stating that I was paid more than him for five years (not strictly true and he is including the year where we didn't live together). He has agreed to sit down and look at the figures though.

He will not countenance a completely pooled joint account but will consider splitting disposable income equally.

These threads always make me a bit sad; it completely devalues the role of a SAHP if the earning parent thinks it is worth so little. As partners and parents you are a team. In our house my DP earns all the money, I look after DS and for want of a better term manage the household. That means there is always a parent looking after DS, I meal plan, budget and do most of the cooking, I keep the house relatively clean and keep on top of laundry. We have a joint account, know how much disposable income we have between us and just both use it as and when we want. It isn't a perfect set up but I think there are always sacrifices when you have a family and this dynamic currently suits us all best. If you went out to work your DP would have less disposable income as you would both need to contribute towards childcare, he would also have less leisure time as you would need to split all household jobs in addition to your paid jobs!

He feels that we should see what the difference is and if it is £100 a month or less we should keep things as they are. I have pointed out that over our working lives that would be him having £48000 more than me.

The pre-baby years are a red herring. Your H needs to stop comparing what you used to earn and think about the fact that you are now a married couple and you have a child together.

Ask him if he would feel happy coming to you to ask for money for a haircut, or a new coat, or a newspaper. Ask him if he feels that he wouldn't be demeaned by that.

Things change and life moves on. DH and I used to split everything 50/50 down the middle when we first got together. He used to earn a LOT more than me, but the relationship was new and we agreed that we'd go half each, on the basis that if either of us lived separately then we'd have to shoulder 100% of the costs alone. Then we got married, and because we were now inn a situation where we were in a long term committed relationship and owned a house together, we got a joint account. Things were split proportionally - and over the course of a couple of years, it ended up just being one pot of money.

Your H needs to stop thinking about yours and his and consider instead that this is family money. Would he honestly feel comfortable having £100s in his bank account whilst watching you scrape together whatever you can find down the back of the sofa? If he doesn't see anything wrong with this, then I'd question how he views your contribution to the relationship.

How could it ever be less than £100 difference when you're on mat leave and he's just had a £10K pay rise?

OP- I've just read your latest post. He really doesn't seem to "get" what being a SAHP is. You are enabling his career by taking a step back from yours. You aren't choosing to do it because you have no paid work prospects or want an easy life; you're doing what you think is best for your family!

Because he would put more into the joint savings cabrinha.

DH would hate to ask me for money daily, in fact in the past he has got himself into debt rather than ask for my help. He hates if I pay for a meal out etc although he has got better about that.

He thinks me being at home is a bit of a jolly I think Turtle! Wonder how the big project he has just completed would have gone if he hadn't been able to go in early and stay late while I took care of DS.

Did you ask him that?

I really think the two of you should work out your finances and feelings about SAHP / PT working parent with a counsellor. Because he clearly has a lot of issues around what is exactly fair (he's way off in what is fair, but I think he's seeking some kind of fair on faulty logic) and also issues around money genuinely.

I'm not being over dramatic when I say that now you throw in a baby and income disparity, I think it will wreck your marriage - unfairness and resentment and power imbalance.

The issues were always there but you didn't have to confront them before. I really think you need professional help to get to a fair solution that is actually accepted by him.

I did cabrinha and his response made it clear that he doesn't value what I do at home. I really didn't think he was like this.

I don't like the sound of this at all.

I'd be going back to work full time if you can't get past this.

Then split everything proportionally including childcare and taking time off for sick baby and drop off/pick ups. Some people don't seem to have a clue how much easier working life is when there's a parent at home and you don't need to stress about the phone call from nursery etc. let him experience true 50/50 parenting - it seems 'fairness' is very important to him.

(1) This: If you're going to go 50/50, he should be paying you 50% of the going rate for childcare you will be providing while on ML. When you go back to work PT, he should be paying 50% of the actual childcare costs plus a further 50% of the going rate to cover the childcare you're providing by going PT only. He should also be paying what is essentially an additional 'retainer' fee that recognises that you are taking a considerable hit to your future earning potential and your pension contributions by returning PT instead of FT.

And once he gets in from work no 'Oh I've had a hard day' you're then both on the child care clock.

(2) if he thinks being at home is a bit of a jolly; i would guess he doesn't do a lot of hands on care alone; maybe it's time to start.

(3) you're married; in the event of a split does he realise that even personal savings accounts count as a marital asset

(4) I found this very telling He can't seem to get his head around why if someone wants more they shouldn't have more spending money. what that says to me is that what he actually means is that he can't see why HE should get what he wants. If he really believes that you should be able to take what you want when you want from the joint account.

Sorry but he's showing his true colours; if you don't get this sorted now to a place where you are both happy it will only get worse