I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

[user1462882883]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

*I just never think about children. And when i have asked myself the question, i just don't feel the need for a child. I don't have a want for a child. I don't feel a gap in my life for a child.

It's like asking me, do you want a horse? No i don't. I don't have that want.*

What do you want? A car? A boat? Fancy holidays?

Now imagine being asked why you want that. Why can't you not want that?

It's the same from both sides. It's incompatible. She wants it, you don't. She can't stop wanting it, you can't make yourself want it.

This was already a really ridiculous situation but you've made it infinitely worse because she's quite possibly either pregnant with the baby that you desperately don't want, or trying to get pregnant.

At this point, there would be an incredible irony in her being pregnant and deciding that she'd rather go it alone than have the child with you.

Do you have this same fixation on other things in your life? Do you generally struggle to accept it when other people don't align their wants/needs/feelings with your own? It's not overly compatible with parenting.

I've just given thread a quick glance and I feel so sorry for the woman.

You do sound very self centred. What ever happens you get to live the life you want. Child free. Whether that includes a woman or not is yet to be determined.

She might not get what she wants cos you have held her back for a year. Stop contacting her and let her move on

Let her go.
If anything I think you should have given up on the relationship as soon as she told you she really wanted children so badly.

BTW the 3am feeds, sleepless nights, days sat around nursing a toddler with vomiting, etc etc don't last forever. I'm in my late thirties and so is my fiance and we have two very young children. I got pregnant having only known him 11 months but we have no regrets and while our lives changed drastically and giving up our freedom was a massive change and so hard to get used to we wouldn't go back to not having kids. It's very hard emotionally, physically and financially to raise a child and if you really don't want kids then you have to accept that she does and let her go.

My head is pounding this morning due to her texts. I love this woman. So if we have one child together, it wont be so bad will it? I don't know. Or will it? She said i would be a fantastic caring father.

"giving up our freedom was a massive change and so hard to get used to we wouldn't go back to not having kids. It's very hard emotionally, physically and financially to raise a child "

This. Straight from the Horses Mouth.

This is what terrifies me if I am in this boat in 2018.

But you have said you don't want children? Honestly if you don't want kids what is there to mull over? BTW Op I was shocked when you said you were 40, I had an image of a 21 year old in my head.

So if we have one child together, it wont be so bad will it? I don't know. Or will it? She said i would be a fantastic caring father

Won't stay as one.

She will want another and then you are in the same situation

In my head right now, becoming a father means :

• Nappies
• Vomit
• Mess
• No more sleep
• No more sex
• No more holidays or travel
• No more weekend breaks
• No more hobbies
• No more restaurants
• No more drinking
• No more video games
• No more disposable income
• No more alone time
• No more lie ins
• No more free weekends

Op I love my kids and honestly I really wouldn't want to not have them but I am not lying when I say it's very very hard at times. My second child was born with a life threatening birth defect and there is possibilities like this to consider when having kids.

I don't think she knows you any better than you know her, to be quite frank.

Op if you really don't want kids why are you still posting? Are you hanging around hoping that we will change your mind?

BTW Op I was shocked when you said you were 40

Why?

Neither your personality nor your priorities suggest you should be a father.

As you're 40, you're not likely to change.

Leave it be.

So if we have one child together, it wont be so bad will it?

No of course it won't be so bad. It is a great starting point to having a family if you have this attitude before you have even started to try and conceive. What could possibly go wrong?

Honestly? I don't think this woman loves you like you think she does. I think she is panicking that her time to have children is running out. If she can get you to agree it is because she sees you as the "safe" option to start a family with rather than having to either start dating again or go through what she might perceive to be a more complex way of having her own child.

If you truly loved her you would leave her be now.

I would suggest MN to her - there are plenty of people who have met the loves of their lives at her age and gone on to start a family, and others who have gone it alone. At least give her the chance to go and meet the man who wants to have a family with her.

Because I thought this is surely a guy in his early twenties.

Yes having a child would be a HUGE mistake.

Because a child is a living breathing tiny human being.

As for the follow up posts. You sound very immature and that's why PP are shocked you are actually 40, I'm more shocked she thinks your make a loving caring father.

She needs to accept your decision and move on. No more texts to you.

He needs to stop texting her back and tell her clearly it's over

She has said to me this morning :

" We can buy a house this summer and move in together and then start trying for a baby. At my age it could take over a year or more for me to get pregnant.

It might not even happen when we try. In which case, we will have tried and you will have me anyway. But i want to try "

Because you're suggesting to her that you're open to this. You're not. It would be positively unfair for you to either lead her into pregnancy when you don't want it or for either of you to reproduce when you don't want the child and will quite possibly resent it.

The inability of both of you to walk away is incredible. You both seem bizarrely obsessed with getting your own way, regardless of anyone or anything else.

LEAVE HER ALONE! If you loved her you would just leave her be now.

Of course she is suggesting all sorts of things - she wants a baby! Oh and I was 37 when I became pregnant - it took 4 weeks. Not everyone in their late 30's struggles to get pregnant so please don't think her age could be your get out clause ;)

Honestly? I don't think this woman loves you like you think she does

See this is what bugs me. I am always the first to tell her how much i love her, and she says it back. She never says it first.

Does she have her Lifeplan and i am a means to the endgame here? did I turn up at the bus stop at the right time, just as her bus was stopping? would she love me if she didnt want a baby so badly?

AND again tell her NO

You have no clue, you really don't - she may well get pregnant first time she may not, if she doesn't she will want fertility treatment and if she does she may well have a miscarriage. I have had many miscarriages it is utterly utterly heartbreaking for both me and DP.

I couldn't have got through it without him, you are not mature enough or even wanting a baby.

So end it. And be clear about it, before you ruin her chances any further.

I can't believe you are sad at the loss of video games over a baby......

Congrats on sounding immature at the age of 40