I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

[user1462882883]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

14 is possibly an over-generous estimate, AyeAmarok.

Can't quite see why the OP is coming back to this thread, though, unless this is a creative writing exercise in Presenting Oneself in the Worst Possible Light.

Nick Hornby, is that you?

No -- Adrian Mole! I knew I'd seen the style somewhere before.

I pity the soon to be conceived child for having such a self centered whiny bell-end for a father.

You are 40 OP so clearly you know that unprotected sex = trying to conceive.

And "withdrawing" = unprotected sex.

Why should women sacrifice their happiness just so you won't be lonely op?

You don't know what 'falling in love' means.

You have a really immature attitude to it.

Falling in love involves unselfishness, not 'I like the look/thought of that one how can I make it belong to me'...

Shall i just not bother and stay lonely then?!

Yes

Because she has told you over and over and over and over again

She wants a baby.

Not just you a baby and if it's not with you with someone else.

So you need to move on. Your giving her false hope, your giving her a green light to have an accident, your messing about with her head and time is not on her side.

If you really don't want a baby then yes for her you need to move away because trust me she may not know but if you take this away from her she will hate you.

Oh i'm SORRY for falling in love with someone. Shall i just not bother and stay lonely then?!

This is actually the most teenager-y post ever posted on Mumsnet

Shall i just not bother and stay lonely then?!

No. Leave her to get on with her life, and find someone who doesn't want children.

You are a self-centred manchild.

"Funny really, as I thought you had described her as a 'virtual stranger.'

She is a virtual stranger TO HAVE A BABY WITH, as i have only known her for a YEAR.

Not a virtual stranger in terms of who i am in love with. But not to have a BABY WITH after a year.

OP. I don't usually post on threads like this, bit for you I'm breaking my duck.

Grow up, stop shagging her, and leave her the fuck alone. You seem too immature to be a father in any event.

Nice stroppy teen use OF CAPS.

This is actually quite fun now.

(Cue 'it may be fun FOR YOU, but you don't know what I'm GOING THROUGH).

She has been texting me non stop last night and this morning, asking me to change my mind. My head is a mess now as well.

Yawn.

I thought it was over a year that you had been together, and if you are describing her as a "virtual stranger" then your not in love with her, your bangs head against wall as this has been said 1001 times your in love with the idea of her. You can't be in love with someone you view as a virtual stranger.

She is texting you asking you to change her mind because she wants a baby with you. Your leading her on, have given her false hope for over a year. You keep going out for romantic meals and having unprotected sex with her.

Your head is not a mess, not really, you know you do not want a baby so if you really do love this woman.

You say categorically I will NEVER want a baby
If you decide to stay with me I am going to have a visactomy there will NEVER be a baby
I will NEVER have Unprotected sex with you again.

And you walk away, for her and you.

Don't let her try and change your mind. The idea of having a child when you don't want one & after only a year together is ridiculous. Let her go & don't reply to her texts. You're both asking the impossible

OP, send her this thread. That will turn her off you for ever. Guaranteed.

**She is a virtual stranger TO HAVE A BABY WITH, as i have only known her for a YEAR.

Not a virtual stranger in terms of who i am in love with. But not to have a BABY WITH after a year.**

But you are having sex with her unprotected? Do you know how babbies are made?

I suppose if she gets pregnant this way and you decide you don't like it after a few years you can tell everyone how this baby crazed woman ruined your life by tricking you into sleep with her unprotected and how she ruined your life, wah wah wah. You sound like you know exactly what you are doing, and you sound controlling.

I sprayed coffee at Adrian Mole mention!

I know.

She has been asking me to imagine a life with her and our baby. To go on holidays and walks to the park. She likes the " Kodak" moments of family life, i don't think she realises the brutality of life with a newborn.

Yes, the sleepless nights and nappies i dread, as well as the responsibility for the rest of my life and the loss of freedom.

I am texting her back now.

I have stopped having sex with her.

Can some of you put yourself in her shoes?

You are 36 in 2014. You want a baby. You know that any guy you meet, you will have to " fast track " him into fatherhood.

How or would you do that? or wouldn't you?

Sorry just read that back and I've made personal attacks...I will report my own post

I am exactly the same age as this woman. I was younger when I met DP. We are still trying to have a baby.

I had a discussion with my DP about having a child within six month of us being together, because I wanted a child. He is a RP of 2 DC.

If he had said no he did not want a child, as much as I love him I would have had to walk away.

And if you met in 2014 you have been together longer than a year. You have been stringing her along for far to long.

This is still here - wow.

I told you I was in her shoes. I didn't have to 'fast-track' anyone into fatherhood, thank you. Some men are keen to become fathers, believe it or not!

Incidentally if my DP didn't want any more children he would be grown up enough to also walk away as he does love me and would never put me in that position.