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Relationships

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Original poster

Anyone else married but living in celibacy?

145 replies

nomoreintimacyever · 30/04/2016 22:58

Just wondering if any of you are in the situation that your partner is no longer interested in sex in any way shape or form?

H is 59 and for a long time sex was initiated by me and probably happened roughly every 6 weeks. Since February now we have not slept together at all and I can no longer bring myself to initiate things as I guess I feel rejected affection wise as well.

So I guess his libido has always been low (apart from at the very beginning and at more relaxed times of our early life together) and we have also had relationship issues which have lead to being disconnected, which then kind of sticks as a behaviour pattern. Now however he seems to be completely uninterested in touching me 99% of the time. He would never ever touch me first.

So I am wondering if other couples where one person is around 60 or older also experience living in celibacy, but if people don't talk about it as it is kind of taboo?

I am 47 and not ready to give up on emotional and physical intimacy but don't see how I can break up my family (we have 3 dc) and cause us all, including me, a lot of hurt for the sake of a relationship with someone else which may never happen?

Is it possible to be in a happy relationship despite the lack of hugs, general affection and sex?

OP posts:

OrlandaFuriosa · 20/05/2016 19:49

Ordinary man, there is another choice, which is that she accepts you find sex elsewhere, whether she wants to or not. Once you have had that conversation, you can decide to be open or not about it to her as it happens, dependent on what she wants.

At least two people I know have done this. In one case it has led to break up, in the other it is the foundation of a continuing relationship, for many years. In fact, I can think of quite a few others who have this sort of marriage. The fed up person is just as likely to be female as male, btw. . You do need to be honest with your other partners, your wife needs to take the risk you will fall in love and depart, but that's not impossible anyway.

There are many many different sorts of marriages/ partnerships, it's not binary as people would have us believe.

MrsSchadenfreude · 20/05/2016 22:56

I have two female friends in this situation - in both cases the husbands refuse to seek medical help or even discuss the issue. They are both having discreet affairs - so getting what they want elsewhere, but still continuing with the marriage on the DH's terms.

HappyNevertheless · 21/05/2016 09:00

I have to say I don't understand the idea of having an affair instead.
Wo going into the morality of it, what are these women looking for? Sex or intimacy? If they are looking for intimacy, is that OK to look for intimacy outside your marriage? Does it not mean that said marriage is dead and they should be out of it?

You have a happy marriage wo or with little sex but WITH intimacy.
What is described here again and again is an unhappy marriage WO intimacy. What's the point of that? It's not a sex issue (that could be solved by a ONS), it's an intimacy issue that can only be solved by sorting the relationship out or by separating.

I'm at the things that can become OK to do in the name of sex TBH.

MrsSchadenfreude · 21/05/2016 10:25

I think without sex it pretty much ceases to be a marriage and becomes a house share.

RosieSW · 21/05/2016 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelenaDove · 21/05/2016 19:13

Happy i get what you are saying.

The last line of your post could be construed as a bit judgey though for what i think was supposed to be a supportive thread.

HappyNevertheless · 21/05/2016 19:13

Rosie fully agree.

I do have an issue with the idea that somehow a marriage with no sex (or little sex) is somehow a lesser marriage, even if there is live ur intimacy. Looking at things like that is :(:(

And so is this idea that there can't be any intimacy wo sex.
You can be intimate with someone wo sex as Rosie described.
You an also have sex wo any intimacy (a ONS is a good example of that).

Im always wondering what the people who are saying if there is no secret there is no relationship would do if they couldn't have Sex anymore. Would they be happy to let their partner go because there is no tension ship even though they still love them?
Would they give up 15 years of a happy relationship and a stable home and children?
somehow I doubt it. It always looks easy to conclude that when you are not the one who can't have sex anymore. It also looks easy when actually the relationship has died anyway. In Reality, it's a different situation.

HappyNevertheless · 21/05/2016 19:15

Helena yes I am judging anyone who thinks that having an affair is OK to do if your partner doesnt want sex.
That's not the same than an open relationship. The deceit is still the same than with any affair, sorry.

SandyY2K · 21/05/2016 19:25

The thing is no matter how much intimacy there is ... if there's no actual sex it isn't enough for some people. You can't force your spouse to accept the situation.. you just can't.

It also depends on why there is no sex. If it's a medical reason, then that's one thing ... but just don't want it anymore or never in the mood can leave your partner feeling rejected over and over again.

One spouse unilaterally changing the terms of the marriage will result in problems.

OrlandaFuriosa · 21/05/2016 19:27

Ok, but hang on, my proposal was not one of deceit. If you read my post, you will see that I say that a conversation should happen between the partners. On the assumption that the non sex desiring partner is content that the other looks elsewhere for sex, It's then up to him or her how much s/he wants to be told. I can't see what's deceitful about this. It's an agreement between consenting partners.

To condemn someone to celibacy with no options seems cruel to me. It is quite possible the marriage is good apart from that. Or that there are good reasons for staying in it.

RosieSW · 23/05/2016 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyY2K · 24/05/2016 00:05

Rosie

Sorry you lost your DH when you were so young. He truly considered your feelings. That's quite a sacrifice you made not having kids.

RosieSW · 24/05/2016 00:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joshua3122 · 26/05/2016 20:18

I've been living with no intimacy or real communication for years, causing me to have a bit of a breakdown due to such low self esteem, however he still was unwilling to change. We have not slept together in a year, before that was months apart and only instigated by me. I can tell you it slowly tears you apart. Told him last year could not live with being rejected and due to finances staying in same house to co-parent. No-one except some of my close friends know though. He also won't speak about it & keeps talking about the future. I'm now going to admit to having an affair since January.... Hoping not too many judgemental comments....

OrlandaFuriosa · 26/05/2016 20:39

Joshua, nothing but sympathy..

HelenaDove · 26/05/2016 21:55

No judging from me either Josh

Interestingdrug · 26/05/2016 23:23

No judging from me either, I'm actually impressed you've found yourself some love. Best of luck

RosieSW · 27/05/2016 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sadandfedup72 · 27/05/2016 20:10

(I was Joshua).

He just doesn't listen, tried for years to speak to him. It's so frustrating. Friends have also tried on my behalf.

OrlandaFuriosa · 27/05/2016 20:38

Sad, will pm you.

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