Anyone else married but living in celibacy?

[nomoreintimacyever]

Hi

Just wondering if any of you are in the situation that your partner is no longer interested in sex in any way shape or form?

H is 59 and for a long time sex was initiated by me and probably happened roughly every 6 weeks. Since February now we have not slept together at all and I can no longer bring myself to initiate things as I guess I feel rejected affection wise as well.

So I guess his libido has always been low (apart from at the very beginning and at more relaxed times of our early life together) and we have also had relationship issues which have lead to being disconnected, which then kind of sticks as a behaviour pattern. Now however he seems to be completely uninterested in touching me 99% of the time. He would never ever touch me first.

So I am wondering if other couples where one person is around 60 or older also experience living in celibacy, but if people don't talk about it as it is kind of taboo?

I am 47 and not ready to give up on emotional and physical intimacy but don't see how I can break up my family (we have 3 dc) and cause us all, including me, a lot of hurt for the sake of a relationship with someone else which may never happen?

Is it possible to be in a happy relationship despite the lack of hugs, general affection and sex?

Im thinking that perhaps admitting there is a problem would open a can of worms that she doesn't want to deal with

@Mishaps

Jeez, if ever my wife feels that way about being with me, it is most definitely over.

@ glassgarden "Im thinking that perhaps admitting there is a problem would open a can of worms that she doesn't want to deal with"

Oh, without a doubt.

There is half a chance that she is totally blind to this issue, which is at least naive and negligent, given how a) I have brought the subject up so many times and b) it should be a natural part of any healthy marriage IMO, so should herself be enquiring into its absence...

...so far more likely, as you point-out, she knows full well there is an issue, but she is 'content' as she is, and does indeed not want o open a can of worms where the outcome may be in the short term, conflict and unhappines and, in the long term some form of split.

should be a natural part of any healthy marriage

You know you're on a sticky wicket with that argument

For a partnership to work ( ie be mutually beneficial) the parties concerned need to have compatible needs, if one wants sex and the other doesn't then your needs are misaligned

You seem to be claiming that there is something pathological about not desiring sex

I do agree however Ordinaryman that she ought to face up to things and acknowledge that there is a problem

In my opinion marriage itself is unnatural - it was conceived by the church to control people.

If 'x is natural/ unnatural' is to a stand as an argument then we first have to explain what we mean by natural

what are the necessary and sufficient conditions of naturalness?

Marriage is a societal construct brought in by the church. Many people claim not to even believe in God these days so it amuses me to see how they still want to abide by the rules of an organisation they claim to have no time for. Marriage is being told what to do basically, rather than thinking for yourself. I acknowledge that most on this board will be fine with being told what to do by the church/society and won't even have realised that this is effectively what marriage is. Before marriage people had many liaisons and formed closer bonds when they felt like it. I see so much unhappiness caused by marriage that I can't see how it's a good idea except for providing a certain level of stability and so-called respectability while raising children. But even then the number of married men who kill their wives and sometimes the children too (and yes women can do this too) shows that there is no guaranteed security or safety to be had within marriage - you take pot luck based on the personality and mental health of the person you marry.

@glassgarden "should be a natural part of any healthy marriage

You know you're on a sticky wicket with that argument"

Which is why I suffixed it 'IMO'...

Aeon, with respect, your statement that marriage was brought in by the church is balls. Marriage has been around for far longer. Think Jewish marriage, Roman Greek marriage, let alone other cultures. I agree there appears to gave been no equivalent of divorce, but I can't recall divorce in Ancient Greece, save possibly for adultery by the woman? Though I have a vague memory that she was stoned ? Prob varied between states and ages.

Of course it is associated with patriarchal desire to know that your property will pass to your child, not others, but as in Islam it is also associated with the protection of the woman, who might otherwise not only find herself starving with no support but also would be subject to far greater levels of infanticide. Hence the allowance to have four wives provided the man can support them, and in our time the gender imbalance now in China.

I'm not saying that it isn't restrictive, that other systems might not be better, but don't blame it all on the church.

OrlandaFuriosa - I meant Marriage as we know it in the UK.

I'm not blaming the church either - just the people who insist on adhering to an outdated method of societal control and then discover it's making them unhappy.

Ok, but the problem with making such statements is its too easy to disprove and then the force of weight which is needed to attack the real abuses can get undermined.

In terms if people wanting to go along with something because it looks pretty and they haven't thought it through, I agree with you, although I am still surprised by the number of people who say on these threads " that's not what he/ she vowed at our wedding", so there is something that they take seriously, even if not the god bit.

You may say that's why it's out of date and should be banished, fine, but You'll find equivalents in other non western cultures.

From my observations the more OTT the wedding, the less likely it is to last. People who are all about the display and expense to impress others are often only with their partner for superficial reasons and when they live together for any length of time they discover they aren't even compatible - they were just attractive enough and had the right status to impress each other and their friends/families.

Nothing would make me happier than for my marriage to work, and for us to get back into an intimate / sexual connection. I still fancy and love my wife, my kids, our life together... I would absolutely not throw that away lightly, which is precisely why I am still here, trying, after all this time.

Totally agree with this statement - this is what it is like for me - except my H is not always an easy person.

Thanks for all the messages - they have been interesting and informative. I am sorry others are also going through this for whatever reason.

I'm my case H also subjects me to the silent treatment about 4 times a year. So this time it started off as a silly argument which lead to him calling me names. I was furious and we probably both avoided each other for 3 days. I then calmed down and sent him an email saying how much I did not like what he had said but also apologising for my part in the argument. I then told him (in the email) how much I need some love and affection and how it feels as if he does not like me let alone love me.

He never responds to any emails and the silence or surliness/sulking has more or less contunused punctuated by yesterday when it was a tiny bit better and today when it is awful again - he is not only saying nothing to me but also being bad tempered and rude on the occasion that I ask him a question try to behave normally and not show that I feel like dying inside.

All this while behaving very affectionately with the dc - asking them for cuddles and touching them affectionately any time he can. Which makes it hurt all the more.

So the only thing I can think is that he hates me. Why else would someone behave like this? But in that case why doesn't he tell me that he wants to split - surely this half life must be hurting him too?

In my case

He sounds very controlling and doesn't sound as if he has your best interests at heart or those of your children if he plays petty mind games. You've just got caught in a rut of dysfunctional behaviour and it's clearly easier for him to continue in this manner than change. Give him an ultimatum then suggest time apart if he refuses to comply - you can't function well generally in this kind of unpleasant environment.

Seems like a whole range of different situations here. For some, the cause is clearly the partner using withholding sex of affection. But for a lot of people the issue is that the other person does start things, so it feels like they can't want sex and are just humouring you, which can feel terrible and lead to a complete stand-off. As someone who's been there before, learning about responsive desire really helped - turns out some people only start to experience sexual desire is when they are approached, and this can change throughout life. Take a look at this video for more info- vimeo.com/146316137

Ack, autocorrect! Doesn't start things, not does!

Aeon, Again, I think this is a specific cultural issue. I don't think people would say that divorce is usual in Irish Traveller/ gypsy families, but their culture if display at weddings is huge, and limited knowledge before hand. Ditto Re display around some of the sub continent weddings. But I take your point about the Hello mimicry.

Sorry to derail.

On no more intimacy's question, it does sound as if he is being deliberately manipulative, whether consciously or not. Counselling?

I think Orlando has nailed my situation in the first post. I have long suspected that my DH cannot feel or show emotion. Fine at first but not laid a finger on me in any way in 9yrs. He also doesn't really show emotion or cuddle DD, although I know he loves her very much, he just doesn't.

I tried to cuddle him today as he is being really grumpy and jumping down my throat if I say anything that he construes as critism, sometimes over a small request. He was very uncomfortable and struggles to look me in the face even if I say "look at me", I can see if pains him. He couldn't even look at me to say his wedding vows and instead looked at the registrar.

I found out last year, after thinking he just had no drive and medical reports coming back fine that he uses porn. Very difficult for me as have read too much about it and I was being replaced by it. He said he would stop but nothing has changed.

I think I might write to him and see if he acknowleges it or just accuses me of getting at him. I will be careful to use ' I feel' rather than 'you don't'. I know the experts prefer this.

Mantra Im so sorry you have lost your DH

Untiuchable your husband using porn and not being interested in you, a real live woman, would be an issue to me. A big one. Do you think that he doesn't find you sexually attractive for some reason?

Loose translation of leeloos post "Has your physical appearance changed in some way" The same shit women in this situation always get asked

Not shitHelena. If he is not interested in having sex with her then why stay with him. She deserves more, so much more