Anyone else married but living in celibacy?

[nomoreintimacyever]

Hi

Just wondering if any of you are in the situation that your partner is no longer interested in sex in any way shape or form?

H is 59 and for a long time sex was initiated by me and probably happened roughly every 6 weeks. Since February now we have not slept together at all and I can no longer bring myself to initiate things as I guess I feel rejected affection wise as well.

So I guess his libido has always been low (apart from at the very beginning and at more relaxed times of our early life together) and we have also had relationship issues which have lead to being disconnected, which then kind of sticks as a behaviour pattern. Now however he seems to be completely uninterested in touching me 99% of the time. He would never ever touch me first.

So I am wondering if other couples where one person is around 60 or older also experience living in celibacy, but if people don't talk about it as it is kind of taboo?

I am 47 and not ready to give up on emotional and physical intimacy but don't see how I can break up my family (we have 3 dc) and cause us all, including me, a lot of hurt for the sake of a relationship with someone else which may never happen?

Is it possible to be in a happy relationship despite the lack of hugs, general affection and sex?

What are you going to do OrdinaryMan

@ Lillylol

"What are you going to do OrdinaryMan"

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I shall attempt to give 'the discussion' one more try, though it's always one sided and usually results in an argument and me accused of blaming everything on her.

After forum advice I wrote her a letter a couple of years back, explaining calmly that I loved her and wanted the marriage to work, but that things needed to change romantically and sexually. I said what I liked and didn't like about our relationship and made it clear that there may well be things that I needed to change too and gave her the opportunity to tell me straight what her point of view was.

I thought a letter would be a clearer way to lay-out our feelings, without a confrontation and would seem less of an 'ambush' than when I usually try to talk about this stuff (she always acts like nothing's wrong and I've just thrown problems at her out of the blue).

However, I think she kind of felt betrayed at the perhaps impersonal nature and the response was not what I had hoped. I got no reassurances of love or desire and no constructive comments re. how either she was going to change or how she would like me to change. In short, her reply was "Sorry you're feeling bad. I didn't know you had a problem. I do care about you still being around for the family. I am content with this existence, so you will have to be too".

So, as I say, I will try talking again.

Two of the reasons she gave for lack of intimacy were her feeling depressed and a lack of libido.

I made various suggestions about how we could deal with both, though next time we spoke she a) denied having said she was depressed and b) had done nothing to attempt to deal with her libido issues using either my suggestions, her suggestions, or any third party help.

So the approach I will take this time is to ask how she is feeling now with regards to those two issues and see what response I get.

If she says they are still a problem, I will insist on us both being more proactive to address them, eg: going to see the doctor with her, looking into counselling, etc.

If she maintains that she's fine, doesn't see a problem and for her part is content to carry on as is, I'm afraid I'm at the point where I would have to consider a split.

If she insists she is content with the status quo and does not want intimacy or sex, then that is her right and prerogative.

However, I am unhappy and would rather live alone than with someone who doesn't care for me in the way I need.

This is really timely for me. Think I've had sex maybe 6-8 times in last 9 years , if that.

I'm currently separated and in the horns of a dilemma. Having put on a lot of weight I fully appreciate I'm not attractive however I do have a libido (always did)

Do I try again with him, despite the PA behaviour, the zero libido, the narc tendencies? Do I just put up and shut up?

I loved sex, and am naturally a very passionate person. I see it as important in a relationship. However I worry I am over compensating for not getting any itkwim?

He'd never give oral sex. Very lazy lover (?!?) I thought I was deformed, he insisted not. So why didn't he just say "No pet, it's not my cup of tea?"

Am a bit all over the place with this. He's being helpful and nice with the kids, cutting the grass etc.. I don't want to be taken in by his conduct.

My tuppence worth ......

If we did not have the dc together I would end the relationship but I agree awishes that doing this with them in the mix (they are 10, 12 and 14) would be devastating.

What's so devastating? It's quite commonplace for couples to separate and co-parent children these days.

I am in my sixties and a man , my partner decided she did not want sex in our relationship. No discussion gradually she withdrew it and ultimately refused it completely. I said I would find it elsewhere and she threatened to clean me out and turn our adult children against me.
The relationship is now purely administrative and as we have a second home I spend as much time as I can there.
I always have had the feeling that I am being punished for some past misdemeanour. We lost an adult child some years ago which still hurts both of us.
Now there is no physical content no words of love or comfort just coldness and point scoring on her part.
So why stay, well I have been trying to find a new partner on OLD but I am beginning to wonder if years of rejection have coloured my attitude towards the women I meet. I have met about seven women , only two agreed to see me again but both were looking for financial help after being dumped by ex partners.
I would love nothing more than a close loving relationship. Sorry to sound so negative but in my view celibacy spells the end of closeness unless both partners really want a sexless relationship.

Instinctively- don't waste any more of your life!

My advice to you OP and everyone suffering with complete lack of sex or even any demonstrative affection is W.A.L.K.

What is the point of being in a relationship to end up being essentially a single person anyway - just with more responsibility?

It is actually far worse to be climbing the walls sexually whilst in the company of someone with whom you could possibly express those desires but cannot; than it is to be single, alone and sexless with real hope that someone special could come along, or even a one night stand now and again.

Fine for the other person to decide they've opted out of the sexual side of things, but honestly, why should they expect you to live as an essentially sexless singleton? No one believes that that is what most people who say their vows sign up for. Unless agreed beforehand. And actually those who do agree beforehand to have a 'companionship marriage' are often very affectionate.

And it's definitely not loving to make absolutely no effort to sort any underlying issues -physical or otherwise- out. It is emotionally cruel, if not emotionally abusive.

My dh has very little sex drive. He is 39. It has been a major issue for 8 years. I used to have a high sex drive, now one or twice a month would do but that would never happen if i didnt initiate it. We separated for two years. he didnt have a relationship in that time. Focused on his hobby.

OP, I feel for you. DW and I both mid-50s, sex has been gradually declining throughout our whole marriage, tbh. 3 DCs have had predictable effects on our sex life. I kind of expected that; what I didn't expect was that I would be the one to initiate any intimacy for about the last 20 years.

I didn't mind that, in fact I don't think I fully realised that that was happening for a long time. Sex can get a bit formulaic, can't it? – especially when you're both tired out most of the time. It's almost completely stopped over the last year or so.

It's tempting to blame the menopause – and I'm experiencing some classic 'manopause' symptoms too – but what's really killed it for me is the realisation that my DW hasn't started anything sexual or just physically intimate for ages. It's like she's decided it's no longer necessary. Since then, I've deliberately not begun anything physical, to see whether she'll miss it and maybe mention it. But no, nothing for months on end.

I don't mind being the one to start, but I do want to feel that she wants it too, and I no longer believe she does. That just kills my desire; having sex with someone who doesn't want to or is indifferent, feels all wrong to me, IS all wrong. We have talked about this several times, and I've explained how I feel, but she doesn't explain how she feels. It ends up being all about me. So, sadly, you're not alone.

If they wanted to have sex they would, if they cared about you (the partner who wants to remain sexually active) they would seek a solution or at the very least discuss the matter honestly.

What is clear: talking does not work. The sexual/affectionate side of a relationship is so important. I think all of you who are in this situation need to make a decision too. Your partners have, they have not had the decency to express it verbally to you. Look at their actions if they won't tell you in words.

I am not even 40 and my P has no sex drive. He fully admitted it when we met but is affectionate in other ways. I Don't doubt he loves me but I get so frustrated.

( in my opinion relationships like this are based on habit, convenience and fear of the unknown. Not love. And realistically, the situation, once established, is not going to change. Talk to your partner, they will make excuses, promises, but nothing will change. Or they will get cross and claim you are unreasonable to want any affection and sex at all.)

I think there is a bit of a difference between your situation wannabe and the the majority of other posters. Your partner told you at the , you kind of 'knew' what you were getting into (not really, relationships mysterious aren't they?). He is affectionate. Is he an affectionate man who is willing talk? Are you?

*outset

We do talk. It doesn't remove the fact I get frustrated though. I think because in all other ways he is the full package... and I have had some horrendous relationships. My drive has definitely waned as a result. It's not a make or break thing.... your right I knew :)

DH and I haven't had sex since DC2 which is nearly 4 years ago. I am mid 40's. I had PND with both my DC and have very little libido. I have been unable to talk to him about it and he has not initiated a discussion. We recently went away for a night together, but he was unwell so we still didn't have sex but I did broach the subject and he agreed that he would like to have sex occasionally. I cant decide whether I'm unhappy and I dont really know what to do. I haven't discussed it with anyone else. We've never had a great sex life. He has never said I love you. I think maybe we both settled so that we wouldn't be alone. We love our children though and maybe that is enough. Im hoping it might help to at least get this off my chest.

Jetstar that's rough. I've been depressed several times but, from all I've heard, PND is a proper bastard. No surprise that your libido has taken a hit. But your DP has never said "I love you"? I'm not sure I could put up with that.

I couldn't work out from your post whether you now want to restart your sex life or not. You say you can't discuss it with DH but then you did broach it & he said he would like to have sex. I can't help feeling that your 'low libido' isn't the only problem. After all, libido isn't a merely physical thing that goes up and down by itself, independent of emotions. If it was, men would never have problems with erections. Isn't his lack of affection, his inability to say he loves you, at least as important, maybe the main factor?

Jetstar children grow very very quickly and before you know it, they are independent. Then it's time for your husband and you as a couple. If your bonds are not strong then what will you and he do for the rest of your lives.

Ed menopause doesn't have to have an effect on libido. Could it be complacency and that she has lost her desire for you and stopped seeing you as a man but more if a brother. This is common and only when a shake up occurs do they see partners in a new light

I am 27 and my partner is 26, we are both very much in love with each other and we are very affectionate with each other in terms of sitting together cuddled on the couch and quick kisses (not passionate). When we originally got together we were very sexually active however we have not had sex in a year. We are both just busy and don't have a high sex drive, by the time the day is done both of us just want to collapse in front of the tv. Sex isn't everything in a relationship as long as you're both ok with what works for each of you.

Bit patronizing Eeyore A year is nothing.

I think that depends who you ask, for some people it's nothing, for some people it's a shockingly long time. What I was trying to say is that if someone is content with what they are doing then forget what everyone else is doing and be happy, and if you're not content with a situation then do something about it.

Even I can see that's easier said than done if only one of you has an issue and you have been together a long time. I hate the way people are described as disposable..

Yep 33 here and married 9 years but we haven't had any sort of sexual relationship for over a year, probably more. We just sort of bumble along. Any conversation about it is wholly unproductive and I've given up. Here's to the next 50-60 years of being a bitter old shrew!

It's not about people being disposable it's about deciding what are are / are not prepared to live with for the rest of your life. If you are not happy, you are bound to take this out on your partner one way or another. Leading to an unhealthy and unhappy relationship. OP you need to decide what you are willing to live with, is it fundamentally the sex which is an issue or it it not being touched at all? Talk to your husband and see if there is an underlying reason he doesn't touch you at all, like a previous poster said, he may be keeping his distance because he feels it will lead to sex which he doesn't want. Communication is key in a relationship, but you also need to be honest with yourself. Also, you need to decide ultimately would you leave your husband, because if you won't, you are going to need to figure out how to cope with your situation.