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Original poster

Anyone else married but living in celibacy?

145 replies

nomoreintimacyever · 30/04/2016 22:58

Hi

Just wondering if any of you are in the situation that your partner is no longer interested in sex in any way shape or form?

H is 59 and for a long time sex was initiated by me and probably happened roughly every 6 weeks. Since February now we have not slept together at all and I can no longer bring myself to initiate things as I guess I feel rejected affection wise as well.

So I guess his libido has always been low (apart from at the very beginning and at more relaxed times of our early life together) and we have also had relationship issues which have lead to being disconnected, which then kind of sticks as a behaviour pattern. Now however he seems to be completely uninterested in touching me 99% of the time. He would never ever touch me first.

So I am wondering if other couples where one person is around 60 or older also experience living in celibacy, but if people don't talk about it as it is kind of taboo?

I am 47 and not ready to give up on emotional and physical intimacy but don't see how I can break up my family (we have 3 dc) and cause us all, including me, a lot of hurt for the sake of a relationship with someone else which may never happen?

Is it possible to be in a happy relationship despite the lack of hugs, general affection and sex?

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 08/05/2016 20:10

I agree but the fact that hes a porn hound is nothing to do with the way she looks and thats how your post came across.

Sorry if thats not what you meant and i misunderstood.

Leelooo · 08/05/2016 20:32

No, nothing to do with the way she looks at all. But if he doesn't find her attractive then he will treat her badly and make her feel insecure which will make her feel that she may be the problem. I hope that makes sense.

IronNeonClasp · 15/05/2016 21:20

I am. And I'm pissed off. Hoping to end it this week.

I feel like a prisoner as I am a sexual person. I've been sleeping in a bottom bunk with DC or 8 months - a couple of nights in MY bed (that I purchased). We had sex 4 months ago and it was fucking dreadful.
It's always been missionary and I've never had oral. That's a pretty big admission - but at 42 - I'm done.

OrlandaFuriosa · 16/05/2016 14:49

Untouchable, it's complete shit. I'm going to PM you.

startingtolooklikemother · 16/05/2016 15:37

My husband suffers with chronic pain and a variety of other illnesses related to this. I don't think we've had sex for over 4 years now, due to him fidgeting so much with pain we also sleep in separate bedrooms.
We love each other and have a very good relationship apart from this however I would find the thought of sex with him now actually rather weird, I suppose we have moved to friends.
I am 43 and although this may well mean no more sex ever, I'm actually not that bothered. It's not for everyone I know that but he is a great man who I love dearly. I don't think I really ever liked sex that much anyway, always found it a bit of a chore as I got older

roarfeckingroar · 16/05/2016 17:51

Good for you iron. I've just broken up with a partner with low sex drive and I'm very excited about having a lot of good (safe) sex with a few different men for a bit

awaitingclarity · 16/05/2016 21:12

I have just come out of a relationship like this, am still very upset about it. This was not the main reason for the breakup , but I can totally relate to how you are feeling.

Looking back I think a big mistake is the not talking about it - I for once was very emotional when I noticed he didn't want sex anymore and remember crying under the shower many time over a few months when I felt so terribly alone for not being hugged and loved. At that stage I brought it up, but when he said I shouldn't be pushy and that he just doesn't want it right now, I hoped it would get better by taking my mind off it.I can only tell you, that doesnt work, it only makes you more distant and not used to having sex anymore. Now 3 years later, with very few sexual encounters with him in that time, I am single again and beating myself up for not having talked about it in the early stages. We got to a point when even had he wanted to do it, it would have been arkward.

Something that might help you, at least it did for me, now after the breakup when I want to understand why these things ahppen, I found some videos on YouTube by Dr Phil on the Opra channel and he explains how people have different 'love languages' - I think while you are still in this relationship and want to save it, it may help to have a look at your and your OH's love languages and discuss it with your husband. You may have different ways of expressing affection and he doesn't know how much it means to you to be hugged and kissed during the day.
I can only say, the longer you don't address the issue with you HB, the more and more drained you will feel (At the end of the relationship I felt so unloved because of the low physical contact, that I kept coming come from work, eat and fall aslep in front of the tv, because my body was sheerly exhausted from not being loved and then from the related arguing about me falling asleep.
I hope you can still turn it round. Good luck! : )

HelenaDove · 17/05/2016 00:06

Dr Phil. Jesus wept Hmm

TawnyGrisette · 17/05/2016 09:25

How unnecessarily rude, Helena. Jesus wept Hmm

HappyNevertheless · 17/05/2016 09:41

Starting I agree and I am in a similar situation (except I'm the one who is ill)

Most people on here are describing a breakdwon in the relationship not a loving relationhsip wo sex.
They are talking about no intimacy, no cuddles. And often equate intimacy with sex when they actually are two different things. Yes you get intimacy when you have (loving) sex but intimacy isn't sex just as sex isn't intimacy.

I'm not saying that the situation described by other posters is to be accepted but it's easy to not know what to do when you talk about sex rather than when you talk about breakdwon of the relationship.
If someone stopped being loving nbd caring in a relationship, maybe decide i any (hard) conversations, stop talking etc... few people would think it's OK to stay if you aren't happy. There is no need to add 'and we don't have sex'. There is no need for an 'excuse' to leave if you are unhappy.

On the other side, using that excuse again and again and saying it's a physical need that can't be denied is reducing a loving relationship with little or no sex (because of illness, PTSD, pain or whatever) as a substandard relationship because there is no sex and 'clearly one partner is denying something fundamental to their partner'.

I think it's very sad tbh.

HelenaDove · 17/05/2016 17:35

Tawny have you ever listened to Doctor Phil At length.

Its all about the woman in the relationship making the sacrifices.

There are a lot of MNers who have experienced these kinds of attitudes at Relate too.

SandyY2K · 17/05/2016 17:45

It's a two way thing with Dr. PHIL...not just about women making sacrifices. I've heard him speak several times.

TawnyGrisette · 18/05/2016 09:49

Helena I don't watch Dr Phil because I think he's a bit of a knob. Nevertheless, awaiting was clearly trying to help the OP by recommending something that she found personally helpful/resonated with her. If you disagree, you could have said why, rather than a dismissive remark and a Hmm face. It was rude.

HelenaDove · 18/05/2016 13:32

Then i apologise.

I assumed it wasnt rude.

As being gaslighted and being told "So what" on threads doesnt seem to be considered rude i didnt think this would be either. My mistake!

oldjacksscrote · 18/05/2016 19:19

I'm in my 20's been with dp for 4 years (not married and never plan on it) he's in his 40's and makes NO effort what so ever re sex or affection. we have 2 young children so we're always tired or busy but he doesn't even kiss me any more. I've suffered with mental health issues which have effected my libido and I'm struggling with my body confidence a bit too so everything has been on hold for 7 months with no sign of improvement.

TawnyGrisette · 18/05/2016 22:01

Helena that sounds rude too. Did awaiting do/say that to you? I missed that, if so, and would understand you reacting snippily to being told 'so what'.

HelenaDove · 18/05/2016 22:04

OOps i posted that bit on the wrong thread Sorry Thanks

Interestingdrug · 18/05/2016 22:08

I could have written this OP, except we are younger. 4 years total celibacy, not much before that, been together 17 years. My idea to get married, my idea to have children (we have three), it used to be me keeping the intimacy and affection going (unless DH was drunk). I've given up now and don't want intimacy with him any more. We don't touch, kiss or talk. I would leave if I could, but with three children and no career I couldn't be a single parent. One day, when I have the means and the children are older I will move on.

Out of interest, do any of you in similar situations feel your OH is having an affair? I just can't imagine my DH isn't getting some affection somewhere else which is why he is so indifferent to me.

ordinaryman · 20/05/2016 10:39

Another anniversary gone by.

The sum total of passion for the day?

A half second kiss.

Sad
HappyNevertheless · 20/05/2016 11:48

If you are so unhappy, why are you staying? What is stopping you from leaving that relationship that is making you so unhappy and ressentful?

I have been there btw, Just like interresting, no job, children and feeling I couldn't possibly leave because what sort of life would I give to my dcs? So I get that.
But then I took the time to change things, ensure I have a job and some financial independence, an organisation that allows me to work and look aftre the dcs etc...
And I still worked at my relationhsip with DH on the grounds that, if we were to get divorcd, then it was better to do it in as good terms as possible (plus I didn't want the dcs to live in an impossible atmosphere)

Very interestingly, as I took all these steps, DH behaviour changed as I grew more confident that I could stand on my two feet.
Being emotionally (and financially) independent from DH helped save our relationhsip.
If it hadn't, then I would have been in the best place to move on.

But I dont understand staying put and then complaining about how hard it is (and it is hard, I know that too).

HarHer · 20/05/2016 12:00

Hello,

It is quite interesting that there are so many responses in this thread. I had thought our 'marriage' was a bit unique. I have been married for 18 years. We are both in our mid-fifties. I never really felt comfortable with OH's advances, I felt it was all a bit functional and there was very little in the way of wooing or love. So, I suppose I began avoiding opportunities and it all stopped about four years ago. We live apart now.

ordinaryman · 20/05/2016 14:03

@HappyNevertheless "If you are so unhappy, why are you staying? What is stopping you from leaving that relationship that is making you so unhappy and ressentful?

I have been there btw, Just like interresting, no job, children and feeling I couldn't possibly leave because what sort of life would I give to my dcs? So I get that.
But then I took the time to change things, ensure I have a job and some financial independence, an organisation that allows me to work and look aftre the dcs etc...
And I still worked at my relationhsip with DH on the grounds that, if we were to get divorcd, then it was better to do it in as good terms as possible (plus I didn't want the dcs to live in an impossible atmosphere)

Very interestingly, as I took all these steps, DH behaviour changed as I grew more confident that I could stand on my two feet.
Being emotionally (and financially) independent from DH helped save our relationhsip.
If it hadn't, then I would have been in the best place to move on.

But I dont understand staying put and then complaining about how hard it is (and it is hard, I know that too)."

I stay for the kids.
I stay because I can't afford to leave.
I stay out of a (probably naive) belief we can still get things back on track.

Re. the kids: I hear what people say about it being best for them if I leave, but I disagree.

Re. the money: I work full time and pay for everything and would therefore have to after a split for some considerable time (or else jeopardise the happy life of my aforementioned kids). I cannot force my wife to get a job, at least not until we've passed the point of no return.

Re. my belief it could still work, I am about to try one more time to talk this through and this time set a 'review' date, so we can both see how we feel in say 6 months. If nothing has improved, that will be the aforementioned point of no return.

HappyNevertheless · 20/05/2016 17:21

If your decision is to stay (which is the one I took btw), then you need to be at peace with it and able to find some sort of happiness within it.
If you really think it's the best choice you can do, then you shouldn't be ressentful anymore. You should be happy enough with your choice.

What you are saying is that you can't leave but don't like it and are still ressentful of your DW to put you in that situation.
I'm not sure how this is good for the dcs. I'm sure as hell that there is no way you can hope it will get better starting from that pov

RosieSW · 20/05/2016 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oly5 · 20/05/2016 18:15

@ordinaryman your posts make me so sad. You obviously love your wife and would like your marriage to work but you can't carry in like this.
It sounds as though your wife is happy in a sexless marriage and is going to do nothing about it, even at the risk of losing you.
Which leaves you no choice but to leave and give yourself the chance of a fulfilling relationship with somebody else.
When she argues if you bring it up, she is selfishly trying to make it into a problem about you.
It sounds as though you have really tried.
Personally I would threaten to leave and see if that wakes her up.
If it doesn't I would leave