Anyone else married but living in celibacy?

[nomoreintimacyever]

Hi

Just wondering if any of you are in the situation that your partner is no longer interested in sex in any way shape or form?

H is 59 and for a long time sex was initiated by me and probably happened roughly every 6 weeks. Since February now we have not slept together at all and I can no longer bring myself to initiate things as I guess I feel rejected affection wise as well.

So I guess his libido has always been low (apart from at the very beginning and at more relaxed times of our early life together) and we have also had relationship issues which have lead to being disconnected, which then kind of sticks as a behaviour pattern. Now however he seems to be completely uninterested in touching me 99% of the time. He would never ever touch me first.

So I am wondering if other couples where one person is around 60 or older also experience living in celibacy, but if people don't talk about it as it is kind of taboo?

I am 47 and not ready to give up on emotional and physical intimacy but don't see how I can break up my family (we have 3 dc) and cause us all, including me, a lot of hurt for the sake of a relationship with someone else which may never happen?

Is it possible to be in a happy relationship despite the lack of hugs, general affection and sex?

I have to say, I'm quite happy that DH isn't following any of your advice and is happy to stay in our (nearly) sexless relationship.
I am struggling to find the energy to have sex due to ill health. And on the top of it, he has had to take up a lot of the slack at home (HW, children etc...)

According to you all, he should be leaving me for a better life and I have to say it's heartbreaking to hear. It's not as if I had chosen to be ill, or to not have a sexual life. :(:(

I was celibate for 7 yrs, during a relationship. My choice.

I kept asking him to leave, but he wouldn't, threatening to "burn my house down/turn it into matchsticks" if I forced him to leave. One bedroom house, so forced to sleep in the same bed. I'd wear a tracksuit, tucked into my socks, to avoid the possibility of my skin touching his.

On the few occasions I'd pluck up the courage to ask him to sleep on the sofa, whilst looking for somewhere else to live, he'd moan that the cat kept him awake, and a much meeker me (then) would give in to him sleeping in the bedroom. He never bothered looking for another place to live.

The straw that broke the camel's back was when I woke up to him giving himself a hand-job with my sleeping hand . When I confronted him, he said he "thought I'd just get into it".

Oh how I wish Mumsnet was about then!

Try not to worry happy. He sounds like a decent human being.....

I'm not worried as such. But I'm :(:( at some of the answers on this thread.

There is a nice mix of people who are just twats, people with major relationship issues, people who have no intimacy at all.
And all of those are put in the same bag than people who don't have sex for other reasons (it could be low libido, no sex due to medical issues, menopause etc etc) and they are told they deserve a sex life and to leave. Yep leave your DP who is ill/depressed/has a low libido and really can't do anything about it. She/He isn't worth it as she/he can't provide sex (on tap).

By all mean if the relationship has run its course leave.

But for me, marriage is much more than ensuring sexual needs are met. I do take very serioulsy the 'in health and in ill health' bit of the marriage vows for example.
And putting sex over everything else is basically saying that supporting your partner in a difficult time (such as illness) is not necessary. Even if, after all that, you end up single and with no sex anyway... It's OK to destroy a family, it's OK to stop supporting a life long partner. They don't matter as much as your 'need' for sex..

Of course, here, I'm not talking of a relationship with problems. And that means one where there is no intimacy at all (even though if each time there is a bit of intimacy, it has to mean OK for sex, I can see why intimacy would then disappear too). One where there is EA or whatever else. Or just no connexion left at all.

But surely, in a LT relationhsip that is becoming sexless or with little sex (when it was fine previously) due to circumstances, ill health, menopause (a very normal thing btw) etc, the first step should be to review the relationship in the light of the current constraints and then review what can and can't be done? And that will mean for the partner who wish to have sex to accept the fact it might not happen. Just as they would have to accept it if their partner was suddenly becoming unable to walk much or unaided or they were becoming blind.

40% of peole aged 65 and over have a chronic condition, which will have some effect on their wellbeing, their quality of life and of course their sex life. Is that really realistic to not take that into consideration?

happy if your partner is truly happy to stay in the marriage regardless of the absence of sex, then that's great. And of course there's more to marriage than sex, (a lot of people need to be in love to have sex, I'm one of them, so it's not just sex for sex sake) but you can't pretend that sex is not a major part of marital intimacy. Sex is often tied up with a lot of emotions and perception of self. It can make a person feel wanted, attractive, desirable, sexy, and yes in a caring relationship, loved too. And makeup sex is great too.

The total absence of it can affect a person's confidence and create feelings of rejection, unattractiveness, undesirability, being unlovable, unsexy, etc etc.

There are many people who find the prospect of a sexless life at best challenging and at most intolerable.

I agree that illness and unforeseen events can definitely kill libido, but some people refuse to do what they can do, whether that is getting treatment, counselling, or expressing affection in other ways, even when their partner expresses their unhappiness with the situation. Refusing even to talk about it.

That is treating the other person as 'disposable' because they are showing that the other partners feelings are unimportant. And when this is done on purpose, it is emotionally abusive since the sexless partner is forced to choose to either put up, or risk losing everything that is good in the marriage, when actually they would rather stay.

Plenty of people can cope without sex and are happy to look at everything else that's good in the relationship, put things in context and content themselves with the status quo. But plenty of others though can't. They are not bad people, or treating their marriages as disposable because they need more to remain mentally and emotionally healthy. Or just because they want to experience sex for as long as they can.

Happy you are projecting here just a little. OrdinaryMans DW is shutting him down when he tries to discuss it even to the point of gaslighting him. i dont think your situation is comparable to many on here as you are ill which is totally not your fault.

Im nearly 43 and my h is 66. He has ischemic heart disease arthritis and emphysema its been 20 years since we were physical with each other. His heart problems and emphysema came a decade later (though he wasnt actually diagnosed with emphysema until two years ago.)

I woke up to him giving himself a hand-job with my sleeping hand
oh good god
what is he a...trainee necrophiliac
you poor thing:(
thank goodness you escaped!

The straw that broke the camel's back was when I woke up to him giving himself a hand-job with my sleeping hand shock. When I confronted him, he said he "thought I'd just get into it

I don't quite get your post. You['d been with him for years and celibate for 7 by your choice, and this is so awful? He was probably desperate. Unless you've been in that position you probably wouldn't understand.

Rousette it was without her consent.

Yes, I was celibate by choice.

He was emotionally and very physically abusive. (care for a broken nose and your front teeth smashed out anyone?) I was shit-scared of him. Maybe I should've just "got into it"? Would you choose to be with an abuser? Nobody does, but it happens. Didn't know about Women's Aid back then. I could go into what he did further, but that's shuffling off the thread.

Anyway, it's a moot point, because entirely different to OP's situation.

Thanks Helena, for nipping the victim blaming in the bud.

And apologies for not giving a direct answer OP. Because what I referred to in my previous post wasn't a relationship, it was fear. My beautiful dearly departed DH - we never passed each other without a touch on the hand, stroke on the back of the neck and we'd hold hands without even realising.

I miss him, (so much) but I wonder if it's more painful to live with somebody who with-holds affection for no apparent reason.

My husband has always had (I thought) a very low libido - a few times a year that dwindled to nothing after DS was born, and then I found out that he actually had a very high libido, but for men. Is it possible that your husband is gay?

I'm sorry to hear your partner was abusive and you were scared of him RM and in that case it is of course not acceptable.

However, in other circumstances, I do get it is without her consent Helena but being celibate and without affection for years and years is also "without consent" for people on here, and regularly reading threads like this I know it can drive some people to absolute desperation, that's all I'm saying.

From my perspective, I would disagree with those who suggest that we're all looking at our marriages / partnerships as 'disposable'.

Nothing would make me happier than for my marriage to work, and for us to get back into an intimate / sexual connection. I still fancy and love my wife, my kids, our life together... I would absolutely not throw that away lightly, which is precisely why I am still here, trying, after all this time.

I agree that the term 'LTB' is bandied about on these boards far too freely, but I also think most people know all too well that real relationships are more valuable and complicated than that.

On the subject of the strange hj...

Whilst I 100% believe 'no' always means 'no', and any type of abuse is wrong, I do think there is an implied consent to iniatiate something sexual within the marital bed. Part of my lack of intimacy issue is indeed that my wife still happily shares our bed with me, yet doesn't initiate or respond at all to intimate advances. She doesn't say no. She doesn't say yes. She doesn't say anything.

As one of the previous posters said, the frustation can build to almost unbearable levels against that kind of 'wall of silence', which can lead one to try crazy stunts to try to get some kind of response...

... I have oftened longed to stride into the room stark bllck naked with everthing 'on show' and yell at the top of my voice "for God's sake woman, do you see anything you like here?! Because if you do, let's damn well do something and if not, at least have the decency to say 'no' and put me out of my misery!"...

I do think there is an implied consent to iniatiate something sexual within the marital bed😱

stride into the room stark bllck naked with everthing 'on show' and yell at the top of my voice "for God's sake woman, do you see anything you like here
That's probably going to be counterproductive

Pre menopause I had a high libido
Now 2 years post menopause it just fell off a cliff, I can't be bothered and it doesn't seem important

@glassgarden "stride into the room stark bllck naked with everthing 'on show' and yell at the top of my voice "for God's sake woman, do you see anything you like here

That's probably going to be counterproductive"

I realise that, which is why I haven't done it and prefaced my comment "I have often longed to..."

It was meant to illustrate my frustration (which my resonate with others in my situation) not constitute what I envisage as a plan of action...

Point taken Ordinaryman

If one person craves something to which the other is indifferent then (surely) there can never be a mutually acceptable compromise?

@glassgarden "I do think there is an implied consent to iniatiate something sexual within the marital bed😱"

Why the 'shock'?

Genuinely. I'd like to know what you and others think of this.

Do you think me wrong to make any assumptions re. initiating intimacy in the marital bed? Is there no implication that something physical might be started by either party in a relationship where a vow has been taken involving loving each other bodily? Does every other person here grasp their partner by the shoulders and look them straight in the eye before asking something along the lines of "dear husband / wife, do you positively consent to my hugging you, with a view to initiating a passionate embrace, possibly leading to a little petting and thence maybe sexual intercourse?..."

Am I wrong to just attempt to cuddle my wife and hope for some acceptance / reciprocation?

Don't have a go at eeyore. A year is not nothing. I struggle with DPs sex drive and we still have sex about 3 times a week. I want 3 times a day. No person's unhappiness and frustration is less worthy than anyone else's.

Do you feel that your wife ought to want separate beds Ordinaryman?

@glassgarden "Do you feel that your wife ought to want separate beds Ordinaryman?"

I wouldn't presume to tell her what she ought to want.

But with her being unwilling or unable to accept or recognise that there is a problem with our lack of intimacy, let alone make any effort to resolve it, then she sees no issue with us continuing to climb into it together each night.

I however do see it as a problem; I don't want to share a bed with a 'friend' / housemate...

It is all about compatibility - a sexless marriage is fine if both feel the same about it.

There are other solutions - try this wonderful poem by Fleur Adcock - I think she must be the only person to write a poem about masturbation!....

Against Coupling

by Fleur Adcock [Fleur_Adcock ]

I write in praise of the solitary act:
of not feeling a trespassing tongue
forced into one's mouth, one's breath
smothered, nipples crushed against the
rib-cage, and that metallic tingling
in the chin set off by a certain odd nerve:

unpleasure. Just to avoid those eyes would help-
such eyes as a young girl draws life from,
listening to the vegetal
rustle within her, as his gaze
stirs polypal fronds in the obscure
sea-bed of her body, and her own eyes blur

There is much to be said for abandoning
this no longer novel excercise-
for now 'participating in
a total experience'-when
one feels like the lady in Leeds who
had seen The Sound Of Music eighty-six times;

or more, perhaps, like the school drama mistress
producing A Midsummer Night's Dream
for the seventh year running, with
yet another cast from 5B.
Pyramus and Thisbe are dead, but
the hole in the wall can still be troublesome.

I advise you, then, to embrace it without
encumberance. No need to set the scene,
dress up (or undress), make speeches.
Five minutes of solitude are
enough-in the bath, or to fill
that gap between the Sunday papers and lunch.