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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How does your DP DH express his liking of other women, celebs or otherwise? Am I being too sensitive?

116 replies

alaspoorderek · 29/04/2016 22:27

I honestly don't know if I'm being stupid about this one but sometimes I get to thinking DH is ALWAYS going on about other women. OK, he'll mention celebs or women on TV he's liked past and present but he just seems to do this an awful lot. Obviously there are guys from films TV and sportsmen that I like too but I don't go on and on about them.

Add to that he'll comment that 'such and such at work was wearing nice high heels today' or he'll admit that he was ogling the ladies coming out of the gym.

I'm probably being a silly so and so but sometimes I just think 'ok enough, I get it, you like to look at women!'

OP posts:
springydaffs · 02/05/2016 09:49

Still, I called you silk. Hopeless, sorry!

But Still, he was a massive DICK Angry

TheNotoriousPMT · 02/05/2016 09:51

Your DP sounds like an arsehole Sad

He's telling you what and how he thinks of women. I feel really sorry for his colleagues.

I'm all in favour of you addressing it with him, but don't be too surprised if he says he'll stop and then doesn't. He doesn't respect women, so he's unlikely to change his behaviour because one of us complained.

Your OP asked how my DP/DH expresses his liking of other women, celebrities or otherwise.

My DH expresses his liking of my female friends by asking after them when I've been out, making pleasant conversation or cooking dinner when they visit. He says my mum is lovely. He thinks Sandi Toksvig, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler (for examples) are funny and Cate Blanchett is a good actor...
I don't doubt there are women besides me he finds sexually attractive, but we've been together 10+ years and I don't know who they are.

roarfeckingroar · 02/05/2016 09:55

Wow. DP just does not do this, at all. I am sure he notices women but he would not say anything. Except for one of my best friends who is just wildly known to be stunningly beautiful, we all acknowledge it in a jokey way, not creepy.

I just wouldn't put up with that.

StillAwakeAndItIsLate · 02/05/2016 10:00

springy he was. Although his gf looks even less like her than I did! I just hope he's learnt to keep his preferences to himself!

emilybrontescorset · 02/05/2016 10:01

I had an ex who often commented on other women.
They were always very thin.
I was thin too but the pressure to look a certain way was immense.
I was at a low point when I met him.

He also spoke of women as "it" as in that's nice.

I've heard lots of men say I'd bang that. Or I'd give her one. It's gross.

StillAwakeAndItIsLate · 02/05/2016 10:05

It ends up leaving you feeling like any man would rather be with anyone other than you and questioning their reason for being with you.

For this, and various related reasons, I will never be able to trust a man again so I don't bother. I also can't cope with the idea they find anyone else attractive as a result. So I stay single to protect them from me and my anxieties. I'm only going to dump them at some point anyway.

Just take care of yourself, op x

Original poster
alaspoorderek · 02/05/2016 13:50

Stillawake Shock Shock Shock at your ex...He cited me not being like that as one of the contributing factors in the breakdown of our marriage.?????????

Talk about an insensitive tool of the highest degree, what he didn't think that him being the dickhead he was about this actress was a slight contributing factor, no? Bit of an expert in transferring blame wasn't he? My goodness well done you for getting rid.

And thank you for your words of support, I really hope you find happiness with someone who deserves YOU or just find happiness on your own.

Abecedario re but don't be surprised if he acts like you're being an irrational, jealous, 'crazy' girlfriend yes I am ready and waiting for that sort of comment. Like Stillawakes ex, anything to transfer blame from them being actually behaving wrongly.

Cocktail and everyone, wish I could remember all names , thank you for your support once again.

OP posts:
haveacupoftea · 02/05/2016 14:11

Stillawake i literally cannot believe what i have just read. What a fruitcake!!

Also dying to know who the actress is Blush

orangeistheonlyfruit · 02/05/2016 17:02

You sound lovely looking to me OP. Petite and womanly hips with a good ass? Isn't that pretty much every man's dream? Do you think someone has said in the past how 'he's punching above his weight' with you or something, and he likes to drop these comments to keep you in line. Men do have stupid twattish ideas after all.

You have my sympathy OP but I think just saying 'some thoughts are best left in your own head' to him and if he starts on about any women just cut off what he is saying with something mundane like 'oh the weather has turned hasn't it' just to let him know what ever he was about to say you are not interested in.

StillAwakeAndItIsLate · 02/05/2016 17:49

Have I would say, but I cannot bring myself to type her name. I'd not enountered her until I started dating him. I've never said her name out loud and I've never seen anything else with her in. He was utterly in love with her.

She is very beautiful and he was right in what she said about her in that film.

alas no he didn't consider it could have anything to do with him. After all, he was a man and knew everything and I was a woman and wasn't even doing that right (pretty much sums up the problems in our marriage).

Original poster
alaspoorderek · 02/05/2016 22:03

Stillawake Op, this will destroy your self esteem., it is, it is but I'm determined to put a stop to it!

She is very beautiful and he was right in what she said about her in that film
Yeah and he should have remembered a couple of minor (sarcasm) points, a)he wasn't married to her and b) that she was acting in that film - perhaps his dim-witted brain thought she'd be like that for real 24/7? I don't supposed he looked like Harrison Ford as Indianna Jones either, no? thought not Grin

Oranges you are kind, just wish I could lipo-suction my ass to my boobs to even it out a bit. I like your little quip some thoughts are best left in your own head, I might put that to good use.

OP posts:
Di11ligaf · 02/05/2016 23:56

This reply has been deleted

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Sproutieboolaa · 03/05/2016 02:07

Once dh was talking about 2 actresses, one was Nicole Kidman and the other a different type like maybe Monica Bellucci. He was going on about how NK was more cold and icy, and MB much more what 'men' like, so sexy blah blah. I had to tell him to shut up before it dawned on him that talking to his very tall, thin, blonde, blue-eyed wife like that was pretty offensive! That was about 10 years ago and he has never done anything similar since!

OP I suggest saying to your H something like 'when you make a comment like xyz, I feel undermined and embarrassed. My self esteem is low. I need you to keep your thoughts about other women's physical attributes to yourself. '

See how it goes and whether you can add something about how you appreciate it when he pays you compliments and you would like him to help boost your own confidence by doing it more often.

Original poster
alaspoorderek · 03/05/2016 08:52

I'd smash her till her hips broke', jokingly or otherwise that comment is Shock, the element of violence is repulsive. I appreciate that you have a different sort of relationship where this is concerned, if it works for you that's fine.
Thanks Sproutie.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 03/05/2016 09:15

"Smash her til her hips broke"

Jesus. I hope he's in a minority of one.

AnyFucker · 03/05/2016 09:29

Smash her til her hips broke

What a lovely murderously violent rape-fantasising piece of work that man sounds

I expect he'd love to "break her back doors in" too

Where do some of you women find these gems of manhood ?

CocktailQueen · 03/05/2016 09:35

I'd smash her till her hips broke

And you think saying that is OK???

Shock
BertrandRussell · 03/05/2016 09:35

"Then again, absolutely no subject is out of bounds with D.H and I. I suppose it depends on how comfortable you are with each other."

No subject is out of bounds with dp and me either. That's how we know neither of us get off on the idea of sexual violence.

AnyFucker · 03/05/2016 09:39

I am very "comfortable" with the idea that the man I married doesn't use ideology like that

guinnessguzzler · 03/05/2016 10:19

I'm pretty sure some men do this deliberately to keep their partners on their toes / in their place. You deserve to be treated much better than this.

Allofaflumble · 03/05/2016 14:50

Those crude expressions are the kind of thing I associate with teenage boys saying to appear big in front of their mates.

Di11ligaf · 03/05/2016 15:44

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BertrandRussell · 03/05/2016 15:52

Jesus. So he's over 50 and expresses his sexual attraction to someone by saying that he'd "smash her til her hips broke".

No, he does not hold women in high regard. Because if he did, he wouldn't use the language of sexual violence about them.

Mind you, anyone who would express annoyance by saying "she wants her cunt kicking in" is hardly in a position to judge. It's "cunt" by the way, not c**t.

AnyFucker · 03/05/2016 16:12

Anybody that comes out with statements like that does not "hold women in high regard"

He regards them as sexual punchbag fodder

Nothing very grown up or respectful about that

NancyDecca · 03/05/2016 16:14

He actually holds women in high regard, particularly ones who use their brains

Ha ha .