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Original poster

How does your DP DH express his liking of other women, celebs or otherwise? Am I being too sensitive?

116 replies

alaspoorderek · 29/04/2016 22:27

I honestly don't know if I'm being stupid about this one but sometimes I get to thinking DH is ALWAYS going on about other women. OK, he'll mention celebs or women on TV he's liked past and present but he just seems to do this an awful lot. Obviously there are guys from films TV and sportsmen that I like too but I don't go on and on about them.

Add to that he'll comment that 'such and such at work was wearing nice high heels today' or he'll admit that he was ogling the ladies coming out of the gym.

I'm probably being a silly so and so but sometimes I just think 'ok enough, I get it, you like to look at women!'

OP posts:
CamembertQueen · 30/04/2016 01:06

We never talk about finding other people attractive. I just don't think it is respectful at all.

NewStartNewName · 30/04/2016 01:22

It's human nature to find people attractive but he needs to learn to filter these things. I wouldn't stand for the comments on work colleagues etc

unimagmative13 · 30/04/2016 02:05

DH would say 'I'd bang that' to get a reaction. I just glance up and say 'yeah I'd have a go too'

daisychain01 · 30/04/2016 07:11

I think it is one of the worst thing a partner can do. It chips away at self confidence and makes the person feel they are not good enough, otherwise why would their partner be obsessing over some else's look.

Oh, add shallow demeaning and sleazy to the list.

OP YANBU unfortunately I had to endure 2 people in my past who made a habit of ogling, going phwaaar, etc etc and both are "history" because of the effect it had on me in our relationship.

BertrandRussell · 30/04/2016 07:15

"DH would say 'I'd bang that' to get a reaction"

Why would you want to be with someone who said that for whatever reason?

Boolovessulley · 30/04/2016 07:29

I was thinking the same Bertandrussell.

daisychain01 · 30/04/2016 07:49

We are of a concensus!

I am sorry to sound sexism but I do think it's a man thing to do, women are just a lump of flesh to be oggled at. I'm sure I'll be proved wrong, but that's how I see it.

kaitlinktm · 30/04/2016 09:56

I agree with PP who said that mirroring his behaviour would be a bad idea. What if it genuinely doesn't bother him? Also, your real objection is the sleaziness and disrespect and if you do the same you lose any moral high ground.

I echo what Falling says - point out how pervy and desperate it makes him sound as well as how demeaning you find it. Say you have put up with it for a while now and tried to make light of it, but you don't understand why he feels he it's OK to do this and as it has become increasingly more embarrassing for both of you and please will he stop.

pocketsaviour · 30/04/2016 12:38

"DH would say 'I'd bang that' to get a reaction"
Why would you want to be with someone who said that for whatever reason?

If your sex life as a couple involves fantasising about or actually involving other people, then a comment like that is basically foreplay.

It's also very honest. But then so is pooping with the toilet door open Grin

pocketsaviour · 30/04/2016 12:38

Less flippantly.

OP it really sounds as if he does this on purpose to make you feel insecure. Especially if you have told him you find this upsetting, and he just carries on.

Zaurak · 30/04/2016 13:59

i can't remember dh ever ever saying anything about other celeb women....

...casts mind back...

Oh no, he did once say 'she is not unattractive' about some actress or other.

I'm sure most of us can appreciate beauty, but actively perving is very unattractive is t it,? Grim.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 30/04/2016 14:02

You are not being silly.
He really takes you for granted, doesn't he?
Yes to sleazy. Yes to objectifying women. Yes to lack of social boundaries, perhaps even self awareness: immaturity.

You have already told him to stop. He has been dismissive of your view point.

Not that this would happen but my concern (apart from the aspects of degrading and disrespecting you) would be when would he want more than just a look, iyswim. With so much ogling and commenting at some point it won't seem such a leap to talking to them; and "getting to know" them.
More accusations of you being silly and denials...but then that is both feet into the affair script.

BertrandRussell · 30/04/2016 14:09

"your sex life as a couple involves fantasising about or actually involving other people, then a comment like that is basically foreplay"

What- "I'd bang that"? Not "She's really sexy" or "She really turns me on" or "She has hair just like yours" but I'd bang that?? Hmm

Allofaflumble · 30/04/2016 14:14

I dont think you are being silly. It is hurtful. I was with one of these women spotters who was also a bit thick.

Once he had a hospital appointment and when he told me about it was going on about the young beautiful woman who examined him. About her boobs in a low cut top etc. Never occurred to him I might find this upsetting.

He a flabby, balding man in his fifties. Gross!

Whathaveilost · 30/04/2016 14:16

I couldn't tell you who DHs celebrity crush is.
I have been with him 26 years and I have never seen him stare at other women or made me feel uncomfortable. I have heard him say,like another posters DH earlier on in the thread, ' how on earth can some one walk in those shoes!! Or things like ' she'll freeze to death wearing that' when we've seen some one in a scrimpy outfit in the middle of December.
Generally he doesn't work with any women but he has certainly never come home and mentioned someone's outfit from hours before.

I have one light hearted crush ( from our local sports team) that all my family tease me about including Dh but it is done as a bit of fun and nothing is malicious. OP, your DH sounds malicious!

raisedbyguineapigs · 30/04/2016 15:06

My late dfil used to comment jokingly on the sexy nurses in hospital and about all the women he fancied. He was completely and obviously faithful and devoted to my dmil until the end, but it still made him sound like a dick. It diminishes a person in my eyes if they cannot show common courtesy or respect to their partner.

Eminado · 30/04/2016 15:13

It diminishes a person in my eyes if they cannot show common courtesy or respect to their partner

In a nutshell. Exactly this.

Original poster
alaspoorderek · 30/04/2016 15:45

Thanks all for your comments, Kaitlin Falling and Daisy

It chips away at self confidence and makes the person feel they are not good enough, otherwise why would their partner be obsessing over some else's look.

Yes it does do this and he knows I am low on confidence anyway! He once disappeared for about 10/15 mins when the children were young, I know it's not long but I was concerned as I hadn't a clue where he was, turns out he had gone round the corner as there was a poster of some woman in a bikini he wanted to see. Blimey as I'm writing it down I am making him sound really sleazy and this is upsetting me.

Re the I'd bang that comment from earlier poster, I am thinking 'bang' is questionable but the word 'that' is about as low as you can go.

OP posts:
Original poster
alaspoorderek · 30/04/2016 15:46

Appreciate everyone's comments btw, just highlighted some.

OP posts:
squicketysquack · 30/04/2016 15:57

For me, I think it depends what sort of way these things are said. My OH will often comment how lovely certain celebs look if they're on tv e.g. Squick come and have a look at Alex Jones on the One Show, she's looking especially stunning today, or will comment that so and so in the office had a great outfit on today, or even in the street will point out women with amazing figures or clothes (he was very taken with a girl in a coffee shop last week who was wearing tight gym leggings and did have the most incredible toned bum I'd ever seen), but it's not in a sleazy phwoooarrr or 'look at the arse on that' kind of way, more just passing comment or complimenting in the same way he might comment on a really nice car or something else he'd seen that was pleasing to the eye. It doesn't bother me one bit, but if it was in a sleazy kind of way then I think it would.

springydaffs · 30/04/2016 16:04

he had gone round the corner as there was a poster of some woman in a bikini he wanted to see

ewwww

springydaffs · 30/04/2016 16:07

though, thinking about it, if he comes from a culture where all women are covered, at least between the ankles and wrists, he will never get over the erm license we have here.

I have experience of this with foreign students - their eyes were on stalks the entire time they were here (years). It would be the equivalent of a British bloke moving to a country where women were naked on the street. I'm not exaggerating.

Regardless what his cultural history is, it is deeply offensive to shove his ogling in your face. It is hurtful and disrespectful. It can't be doing a great deal for your self-esteem, either.

Summerlovinf · 30/04/2016 16:09

he had gone round the corner as there was a poster of some woman in a bikini he wanted to see

LOSER

Blackheart2016 · 30/04/2016 16:13

'Id bang that' is disgusting. I would never see a man again if he said that in my company. I could never be attracted to a man who felt like that about women.

allyjay · 30/04/2016 17:11

squick I get what you are saying about it not being sleazy, but do you not just find it really odd and a bit well, boring? My mil is constantly commenting on other people (women) and their appearance and I find it tedious and boring to say the least. Does he comment on men and their appearance too?

Op I'm sorry I couldn't be doing with a man like that. It is disrespectful, belittling and downright creepy. The bikini thing! What kind of loser does that?

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