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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How does your DP DH express his liking of other women, celebs or otherwise? Am I being too sensitive?

116 replies

alaspoorderek · 29/04/2016 22:27

I honestly don't know if I'm being stupid about this one but sometimes I get to thinking DH is ALWAYS going on about other women. OK, he'll mention celebs or women on TV he's liked past and present but he just seems to do this an awful lot. Obviously there are guys from films TV and sportsmen that I like too but I don't go on and on about them.

Add to that he'll comment that 'such and such at work was wearing nice high heels today' or he'll admit that he was ogling the ladies coming out of the gym.

I'm probably being a silly so and so but sometimes I just think 'ok enough, I get it, you like to look at women!'

OP posts:

HelsBels3000 · 30/04/2016 17:14

he sounds a bit insecure - perhaps he wants you to be jealous and make a fuss about him ogling other women?

Eminado · 30/04/2016 18:56

I cannot believe a grown man left their house to go an ogle a woman in a bikini on a poster.

face palm

BertieBeats · 30/04/2016 19:03

Partner will mention other women on TV but not randomly, it usually comes up in conversation if we mention that particular person. He might mention the odd person in real life as well. BUT ,he knows I don't feel too great about myself (I'm pretty much like you OP petite with small boobs) so I've noticed it's only women that resemble me body wise he shows an attraction to ,maybe for me to realise that he does find my body type attractive.
I don't think he'd ever be insensitive to harp on about a woman that had what I wanted (curves for instance) even though I know for a fact he does fancy them equally as much.

Smartiepants79 · 30/04/2016 19:11

I can't remember the last time my DH made a comment on the physical attractiveness of another woman. Celebrity or otherwise. I presume he must meet/see women he thinks attractive but he wouldn't ever presume that I'd want to know that!

pocketsaviour · 30/04/2016 19:21

Have none of you ever said "I'd bang that"? Really? Fucking hell.

haveacupoftea · 30/04/2016 19:41

He is doing it to make you jealous. Of course he will like women on tv and so on thats natural. But usually you would pick up on them being particularly keen to watch a particular show or something with that person in it. Respectful men dont turn to their girlfriend and say phwoar she's fit with big tits.

BertrandRussell · 30/04/2016 19:41

No. Because it's a horrible mysogynist turn of phrase. And particularly hideous if a woman says it - it's violent and objectifying if anybody says it but if a woman says it it shows an internalized mysogyny that's sad and depressing.

whimsical1975 · 30/04/2016 20:27

My DH has never, in the past 13 years, expressed his like or interest in other women... ever!!!! This is out of respect for me and, to be honest, he's not a school boy and I would not expect such adolescent behaviour from him.

Where is his respect for you?? He needs to grow up!

daisychain01 · 30/04/2016 20:43

Have none of you ever said "I'd bang that"? Really? Fucking hell.

I wouldn't say it because I know it would hurt DH a lot. Maybe if neither person in the relationship finds it offensive and they can deal with it, then it's something they can dismiss. To me, It sounds sleazy and unclassy. Also if it's said time after time ad nauseam and becomes irritating and done to wind someone up, then how is that amusing, funny or whatever?

Subatomickitten · 30/04/2016 20:52

Urgh "bang that" what a horrible turn of phrase. Makes it sound like you are humping a pillow or some other inanimate object. Grim.

OP he sounds like Keith fucking Lemon! Classless, pervy and IMO funny as thrush.

CocktailQueen · 30/04/2016 20:58

Op, I am sympathetic. That's horrible and so disrespectful to you. You don't do that to a partner you love and respect and who you want to be happy!

Dh has said in the past that Kate Winslet is pretty, but can't remember him commenting on any other woman. Certainly not someone we know/he works with.

I'm sorry, but have no advice apart from sitting him down and saying how much you hate this and asking him to stop.

Falling270 · 30/04/2016 21:47

OP do you feel able to address this situation with him, are you going to be able to say anything?

Phoeberdoos · 30/04/2016 22:08

Me and my DW would both occasionally comment on a celebrity. She told me I looked like one celebrity she liked which I thought was cute.

Difference is we are on the same page. Not because we are two women but because we are on the same page and both speak respectfully about the celebs we like and most importantly are respectful of each other.

The way your DH is acting seems pretty creepy and disrespectful. I would not ever want to make my DW feel uncomfortable or unattractive.

raisedbyguineapigs · 01/05/2016 09:27

My DH says 'well, hello!' when a weather girl comes on TV, but she looks a bit like me 10 years ago! He would never say he wanted to 'bang' her or anyone. I'm not aware of any women he fancies at work or who he sees in the street.

SeptemberFlowers · 01/05/2016 13:54

Err mine doesn't If he sees someone who thinks is attractive he has the good grace to keep it to himself.

I can't imagine he'd be too happy if I passed comment on every bloke I saw who I thought "Oo hello" (which depending on the time of the month is a lot hussy

HelsBels3000 · 01/05/2016 20:44

My DH once caught me innocently eyeing up another man who walked past our table in a restaurant on holiday. I had the good grace to be embarrassed, after first denying it but I would never have drawn attention to the fact I was 'admiring the scenery' - he was HOT though!

snowted77 · 01/05/2016 22:55

I know who my partner fancies celeb wise and I hate it, it's the cause of my low self esteem, if it was someone in real life it'd be over

PestilentialCat · 01/05/2016 23:17

My DH makes "look at the tits on that " type comments - he thinks it's funny Agree it's the "that" part that is most distasteful

Original poster

alaspoorderek · 01/05/2016 23:25

Thanks all, I am going to address the situation with him in the next couple of days as I realise it can't go on. It is disrespectful to me in the first place and for me, it's ruining our relationship because I don't particularly want to be near him or cuddle him. I don't really believe he wants to hurt me as such, I think there is something more deep seated going on

I can't tell you how grateful I am for your support on this, it's not that I expect everyone to agree with me but so many times I've seen posters get flamings (myself included) when they could have done with a listening ear or bit of kind advice.

OP posts:

Abecedario · 01/05/2016 23:41

DP doesn't ever really. I'm not naive enough to think he doesn't find other women attractive, but he never really comments. Early on I was asking him about celebrities he fancied and he couldn't really think of anyone, think he did name a couple when pushed but has never mentioned since. I wouldn't particularly mind if he did since he's with me and I know he fancies me. I fancy anything in trousers some days lots of celebs but it doesn't affect how I feel about DP. With my ex who I was with a very long time we would talk/joke about it occasionally, not like a constant topic of conversation or anything but might ask each other 'would ya?' about a celeb, or play 'shoot shag or marry' occasionally. I tried initiating that game on a long car journey with DP in the early days and he was quite clear he didn't like the game/talking about it so I don't any more as he clearly finds it uncomfortable.

I definitely think you need to raise this with him as he's being really disrespectful about it and not sensitive to your feelings at all. Possibly he thinks he's keeping you on the back foot so you'll want to fight to 'keep him'. Bleurgh. I hope he is able to see your point of view and change his behaviour, but don't be surprised if he acts like you're being an irrational, jealous, 'crazy' girlfriend. I'd try your utmost to keep calm whilst talking to him, make your boundaries clear and set out what you won't accept, and then - the hard part - stick to them.

IamlovedbyG · 01/05/2016 23:57

This reply has been deleted

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StillAwakeAndItIsLate · 02/05/2016 09:27

OP Some men are just like it. My exH likes a particular 'foreign' actress.

We went away for the weekend about 8 months after we had started dating to her country of origin. He bought a copy of his favourite film of hers (which he already owned 2 copies of) which he was very excited about because he'd bought it from her country and all that. I don't think there was anything different about it apart from that.

When we got back from the weekend he left immediately to go round to his best friend's house so that they could ogle over her for another hour and a half. And just left me there like a dick unpacking when we should have been all loved up from a romantic weekend away.

I should have realised then.

Instead, I continued to go out with him. We even married eventually because I had got to the point where I didn't believe that anyone else would want me.

I'm now 41, single and incapable of sustaining a relationship because I can't move away from thinking that every man I ever go out with is constantly on the lookout for better. Or resentful I'm the best he can get.

In fact, when we separated, one of the things he mentioned was a particular scene in that film when the character is portrayed in a super feminine way, where she is effortlessly sexy and charmingly innocent all at the same time. He cited me not being like that as one of the contributing factors in the breakdown of our marriage.

Don't let this destroy you.

daisychain01 · 02/05/2016 09:38

Stillawake what you describe there is so dehumanising. Your ex had massive issues. You're well rid.

springydaffs · 02/05/2016 09:44

Silk! He was being a massive DICK!

StillAwakeAndItIsLate · 02/05/2016 09:46

He did, daisy. I just wish I'd known then what I know now. I'd have dumped him long before the weekend away had even been conceived of. But a crappy upbringing meant I felt lucky he wanted me at all.

Sadly the damage is done.

Op, this will destroy your self esteem.

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