lala how are you doing? You really, really need to find a safe way to get out of the relationship, but I think you know that. Hope work has gone ok despite everything.
will are you around??
claret 27 units is great! I like numbers and goals, with the exception of my write of of a week last week it's satisfying seeing the numbers going the right way isn't it?
halle how are you doing today?
Extremely hectic night at work, and not really managed to sleep thanks to neighbours doing noisy building work, so just been lounging in bed watching TV. BUT no drinking. Still sort of aiming to keep tonight AF too, but can't bring myself to commit to that so just going to play it hour by hour. Had 5 days AF this month so far but been a bit off the rails since my weekend away a couple of weeks ago. Managed 7 days in April so if I can add another two this week then at least wont of gone backwards.
Had to endure a colleague ranting on at me the other day about how hard life is with juggling children, husband and job and how 'lucky' I am that I only have to think about myself. I do of course realise it's hard, but her comments hurt deeply. I desperately want those things myself, I'm not lucky, despite having some good friends I'm realising I'm actually very lonely. But I keep people at a distance and just can't keep a relationship...the second someone shows they care about me I freak out and run a mile. Plus it might interfere in my drinking.
So I've realised that I can either be proactive or just continue to resign myself to being alone, drunk, self pitying, and probably dying early (deep down this has always been what I've just assumed will happen). So I'm going to commit to longer term therapy. I have three more nhs sessions left, and only just started to be able to open up. But I think private I could be more honest about the drinking from the start. I've found a profile of someone with two years drugs/alcohol counselling experience plus other experience relevant to my massively screwed up childhood. I'm actually weirdly excited about the idea of just being able to completely and honestly open up to a professional about alcohol, no brushing things off, no justifying or hiding things. I've had enough of keeping up a front, it's exhausting!
Probably going to have to jump through hoops to get the time for it, looks like it will have to be same time each week which is a bugger with shift work and an inflexible rota. I'm going to have to be brave and ask for an occupational health referral I think.
Anyway sorry for the massive essay, it's so good to be able to be open on here, but realising that I need to try and break through a bit in real life. Don't think I'd of got to this point without you all though, when I first posted here it was a huge thing to admit even anonamously how out of control things were getting, so to be contemplating actually admitting it to someone face to face is a massive step. So thank you 