Brave Babes Battle Bus is Racing Along.....

[venusandmars]

Our lovely mouseface usually starts these threads but I've just noticed that the previous one is almost full, so I'm facing technology and get the next one set up.

Anyone, absolutely anyone, who feels they have a problem with drink is welcome here. Whether you're trying to stop, or cut down a little, whether you've been sober for years, or even if you're too scared even to contemplate what is happening. If you think it will help you to post, or lurk, then please do.

There's often a lot of nonsense and banter, but lots of good sound advice.

And there is always lots of support and care and no judgement.

This is the link to the previous thread, if you want to read what's been going on so far The Previous Thread

And this is the link to JesusWhatNext 's original thread started 6 years ago The Original Thread

Right. The rain has stopped so I'm popping out to get some fizzy water. Back soon babes

168 days.

Wal marry that really i i fantastic. Well done. I envy you so much because you have got your life together xx U shld be so proud x

hallle I totally relate to everything your saying, almost alarmingly so, i had terrible anxiety about something happening to my girls and had horrific nightmares about them being murdered, buried alive, tortured, so horrific I needed to drink more booze to actually sleep/ become unconscious enough to sleep.

Then started abusing Tramadol as the opiate effect would lift my mood enough to function until I could drink again. I now realise I was in the grips of PND and I really wonder if you are too. I muddled on until it imploded into a breakdown and only then when my dh took me to a&e when I wouldn't eat, talk, wash or stop drinking did it all come out in the wash and the team who have helped rehabilitate me were amazing and couldn't believe how long is suffered alone. My family kept me hidden like a dirty secret because they thought I might lose the kids but I now know I was mentally ill and without medication and therapy I would not and could not have got better.

Even before the shit hit the fan I was on bottle/2 bottles a night and somehow kept functioning for a while.

My experience was the darkest loneliest time of my life and I'm so utterly grateful I have survived it. I have the memories of those times but it's like they are someone else's life, they are so far removed from where I am today. After every binge id stop drinking through fear but never fixed the problem so the black hole opened again and again and again. Is anyt of this familiar to you??? Big hugs my lovely xxx

I hate reading about all the pain some of our lovely babes are in, but if you ask for help, it will come, I promise xxx

I think I need to be brought up to speed on the Bus jokes:

Who is Barry?

Babyjane1 that's made me fill up. Bloody hell what a tough time you've had. X

Thanks Halle. I kind of feel proud but then on the other hand it's like feeling proud of not sticking pins in my eyes any more!

I love life. And I swear I never ever thought I could say that in the same world as clean and sober. Halle you can do it. X X X

marry you're inspirational, well done you.

pink Barrie is the squid who lives in his tank in the boot. We get him out when any babe needs a slippery slap round the head. Usually at times of beating themselves up, doing themselves down etc. A longer serving babe than I might be able to tell you his origins but he has come in handy a few times since I've been on the bus.

So this sounds totally stupid ... But what do you do with yourselfs being sober? Like isn't it boring? I feel like it gives me something to do and liquid lunches wouldn't quite feel the same Id im T total
And they are all drinking xx

Ha! I remember asking that very same thing! Well initially I planned my time so I had things to do which I knew couldn't involve drink. So I went to 3 AA meetings a week, bought myself a knitting kit, restarted crochet and sewing etc. I also did things that I knew made me calm - made sure the house was calm and cosy, that my pj's were clean and on the radiator.

I poured away all booze but still had my Special Glass of something cold, usually elderflower.

And every day I say I'm not drinking today. That's it.

Oh yeah and I've changed HOW I socialise, and certainly in the first couple of months I hibernated and got used to staying sober. That meant avoiding my drinker friends. I prioritised sobriety above everything.

Were you a very very heavy drinker? If I don't drink or take a pill I feel like I have this actual hole
In my stomach (only way I can describe it) it's a feeling of emptiness and when I take a pill or drink it goes away. That feeling will be there and k won't be able to handle it marry. Honestly. Like I don't know how
I will ever get through a day not having anything to get rid of this anxiety I feel unless im drinkin or takin a pill xxx

Oh my god that's EXACTLY how I felt. And in hindsight I was taking handfuls of caffeine tablets too. Uppers and downers. I'd panic just thinking about not having "something" in to take the edge off.

When I finally decided that I had to stop, I went on antidepressants. The first couple of weeks was rough, and although I stopped drinking completely I tapered off the benzos over a few weeks.

I absolutely couldn't have done it without AA. Knowing there was a support network and somewhere to go that totally accepted me, and that knew what I was going through, and had been though it themselves and had come out the other side.

Halle - you've described how I have felt since I was a teenager.

Have you googled 'attachment disorder' and 'adult children of alcoholics' - it may or may not help but thought I'd suggest it

Oooo yes Adult children of alcoholics! It's amazing how my parents' drinking has affected me. I don't want that for my children.

Well worth reading about. X

I need a number

I just need talking out ... Not AA as you can't ring them

Samaritans 116 123 big hugs will

You absolutely can ring AA. They have a helpline staffed by volunteers who are in recovery.

www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/Contact

Or keep talking here x

Im going to look that up but it's so funny you say that. Ive been diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder, ocd, and BPD - along with BPD comes the fear of being abandoned by those we love etc. Well my family have disowned me and I miss my mum so so much. And I get palpitations and start sweating when I even imagine my husband leaving me. My biological dad definitely drug and alcohol abuser and took his own life last September and my mum I believe is a very very highly functional alcoholic. I mean I seen my mum drunk a few times as a kid at family parties but it's not like she was a bad mum Gettin wasted every night etc. Infact for the most she was an amazing mum. Now though, she is viscous and very cold towards me. She drinks pretty much every night as does her sister and her brother drinks quite a bit also. They obviously don't have it as bad as I do because they can still function and arent walking about like nervous wrecks all the time. Im just constantly nervous. The circle goes, decide to have a couple of drinks, then realise I cant take my valium or pain killers etc during drinkin so I fear im going to have a panic attack if I do t hurry up and get tipsy so the alcohol relaxes me. Get wasted. Black out. Wake up feeling AWFUL. Straight downstairs for a coffee,fag, and a handful of pills to take away my anxiety from the previous nights drinking. I have always felt this deep space like somehinf is missing. God knows what will fill that when I eventually stop all this before I kill myself (by accident I mean). Im alteady on clomipramine for anxiety depression etc and I will probably be medicated for life. But my doc would stop my benzo's of he even got a sniff of addiction. Never realised how cunning and sneaky I was until I became addicted but ive lied to so many people. Ive hurt so many people. My poor son has seen me in some states and im sure it's affected him. Daughter far to young to know what's going on but my son is 11 and he ain't silly. He usually tells me the next day what I did the night before. How awful is that?? On a good note, ive had a completely AF night and a hot bath and just jumped into bed with a magazine. Im so grateful for this page. You're the only people I feel aren't listening to me and thinking "what scum of the earth she is"..... Alcoholics aren't what they used to be. If imagine all addicts coming from rough families and areas etc. Im clean, good family and good upbringing. Nice area. Im not beautiful but im not ugly, I have nice clothes and a lovely home ..... Yet im an addict! To look at me and talk to me in person you would never know. But im an alcoholic and a prescription drug addict

This is going to sound harsh but I'm going to say it anyway because the cycle of self-blame/guilt/self-hatred/people-pleasing is so destructive:

If your mum has disowned you she isn't a good mother.

Full stop.

Hang in there Halle. I know you probably feel like NO ONE could understand where you are but I swear to god I was there. I truly feel for you. This can get better. Your drinking is absolutely damaging your son, so why not use him as a motivation for some changes?

Fwiw I had to distance myself from my alcoholic parents when I stopped drinking. Alcohol is absolutely the social currency in my family. It's everywhere. But I've refused to collude any more and God I'm stronger for it. Please don't leave it as long as I did. I'm 45, and I think if the wasted years of living in a fog of booze and nerves and holding it together, just. Every shitty decision I've ever made, was in drink. All my best ones have been sober. Don't waste any more time x

I also realised I was drinking to cope with the stress that my family laid on me. So I removed that and only see them on "dry" occasions and we are far better for it. I've started to see them as just people. When I was drinking, especially if I drank with them, they seemed way more powerful, and I felt the need for their approval. Not any more.