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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Brave Babes Battle Bus is Racing Along.....

998 replies

venusandmars · 23/04/2016 23:52

Our lovely mouseface usually starts these threads but I've just noticed that the previous one is almost full, so I'm facing technology and get the next one set up.

Anyone, absolutely anyone, who feels they have a problem with drink is welcome here. Whether you're trying to stop, or cut down a little, whether you've been sober for years, or even if you're too scared even to contemplate what is happening. If you think it will help you to post, or lurk, then please do.

There's often a lot of nonsense and banter, but lots of good sound advice.

And there is always lots of support and care and no judgement.

This is the link to the previous thread, if you want to read what's been going on so far The Previous Thread

And this is the link to JesusWhatNext 's original thread started 6 years ago The Original Thread

OP posts:
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11
obrigada · 17/05/2016 09:24

Wise words to Halle Claret, that's really all any of us can do is take things one day at a time. Don't focus too much on the long term, just do what you can today Smile

Halleberry · 17/05/2016 09:25

Isn't it odd. Alcohol doesn't make me happy anymore. Even walking to the shop and getting a bottle doesn't. I don't get much please from sipping away on a glass of wine. I feel nothing but guilt and shame each and every time I do it .... Yet I just cannot help myself Sad today is beautiful and even though it's not what I want .... It is what I want if that makes sense! Im torn between 2 evils. This probably makes no sense to anyone, sorry for rambling. It just baffles me how horrid I feel before during and after drinking yet i can't stop myself. If I hated a certain type of food I just wouldn't eat it. What is it about this stuff that drags you back even when the thought of it makes you feel horrid inside xx

ClaretAndBlue30 · 17/05/2016 10:26

Perhaps if it's making you this unhappy halle then it might be worth considering AA? Have you been before? From what ive heard it can really help people who's relationship with alcohol has become hugely negative - and from what you say you might be in that place? worth a try perhaps?

Halleberry · 17/05/2016 10:32

Definitly not for me. Ive been to a meet before and it's not for me at all. Im not gonna go into the whys etc and I believe it's works for some people, but it doesn't for me. I wish I could accept how much I hate alcohol and just stop but it's so twisted in my mind it's as if I keep doing it to prove I can control it. But I keep failing. Anyway, day 3 AF for me here now. Here's to hoping I can hold out and by give in xx

ClaretAndBlue30 · 17/05/2016 10:37

Well done for day 3 af!! Keep on keeping on halle Flowers

lookingforhope · 17/05/2016 12:42

Day 3 is GREAT Halle. Well done you Star. As other wise babes have just said ODAAT. Nobody is judging you Hon, we wouldn't have old-timers like me and Ma on here if there were absolute rules on abstinence (ducks as Ma won't take kindly to being called old). I think Marry is just setting out the option to and benefits of going AF. We all have our own perspective but we are a broad tent as Sadiq Khan would say. Or perhaps a Megabus! Grin

marryoneorbecomeone · 17/05/2016 13:03

Halle I know I'm being tough with you but that's because I'm frightened for you.

It wouldn't be supportive of me to write what you want to hear : that there is a way of moderating and controlling your drinking. There is no silver bullet.

My concern is that you want to stop, but can't, and are also in charge of tiny children, in combo with a significant amount of benzos. There is no one on the planet who will tell you that this is ok. It just isn't. It will impair your reactions and your judgements.

The reason I shouted so loudly on the Dry thread for you, and am leaning on you here is that I believe that you're in far far more danger than probably most of the other posters, and certainly more than you realise. I'm worried.

Pinkballetflats · 17/05/2016 13:21

Halle

We've not met before but I saw the posts on DRY (sorry you went through that)

I have to say I agree with Marry: it is concerning and I wonder if you even realise truly where you may be heading.

That's not a judgement - sometimes you can't see the wood until you're out of the trees.

The combination of benzo and alcohol addiction will be seriously messing with the wiring in your brain and there will come a point where your 'stop' button will not work at all and will never work again.

If you are regularly experiencing blackouts that is a serious sign.

Everyone who drinks will probably have the occasional 'one over the eight' incident but when that becomes in more than a monthly or more basis you really are heading into the 'mother-of-all-fuck-ups' zone.

I come from a family of alcoholics: my grandfather was found dead several days after his passing in his armchair in his home: he'd run out of money and there was a half drunk bottle of methylated spirits next to him. He drank to escape the horrors of having been a Jap POW - my grandmother escaped his violent beatings only a few years before.

My uncle, his son, is also an alcoholic and it was awful to watch his family slowly disintegrate - he managed to pull himself back from the edge but not before having a seizure and heart attack two days after he went cold turkey: he's lucky to be alive.

Halleberry · 17/05/2016 13:37

Thanks for your support guys. My head is a bit of a mess to be honest and I am worried for myself. But the thought of seeing a doctor terrifies me. Im Tryin for AF day 3 here and have only taken 4 benzo's in the last few days. I wish I could live and be happy but this pain won't go away unless im seinkinf or taking pills. This horrible pain I have inside me from a whole life of crap and bad memories. I know im not the only one but it's definitly and escape for me. Im not doing this because I actually enjoy it now. Xx

Pinkballetflats · 17/05/2016 14:04

Have you had any counselling for your past?

Halleberry · 17/05/2016 14:13

Ive had a couple
Of courses of CBT which didn't work well and the last councilling I had was with an amazing woman and as soon as I felt I could open up to her .... She jumped ship and travelled the world. I cried when she said good bye. Ive never met anyone since her I can open up to. My family don't talk to me, my us and is wonderful but he doesn't quite understand, and to be quite honest, when it comes to drink I wouldnt even try and discuss is with anybody I know. They either consume just as much themselves or are to busy being proper mums and wife's to listen to me if I break down and scream "will somebody help me" cause that's what im dying to do. Literally go out in the street on my hands and knees and beg someone, anyone, just to come and help me Sad xxx

Halleberry · 17/05/2016 14:16

My real dad killed himself last September and he was a drinker and addicted to pain killers Sad he was so miserable he hung himself. Im scared that will be me xxx

Pinkballetflats · 17/05/2016 14:22

Right.

I know you are scared to go to the GP but trust me when I say you do not want to get to crisis point.

Tell them the CBT didn't work, tell them you desperately need help, tell them you need an alternative form of therapy.

You can do this.

Pinkballetflats · 17/05/2016 14:23

And ask for a referral to a psychologist/psychiatrist too

Pinkballetflats · 17/05/2016 14:39

IPT or EMDR may be more suited to you, especially if you have trauma in your past, Halle.

marryoneorbecomeone · 17/05/2016 14:40

Yes yes. Sometimes forums like this, or good friends, can act like confessors - we sound off to them, feel momentarily better, and life goes on uninterrupted.

Halle if you can't face your GP, or AA then there has to be another option, a different route to managing your addiction.

Just posting that you've only had 4 benzos shows how skewed your view of the world has become. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT but it is your responsibility to deal with it.

lookingforhope · 17/05/2016 18:49

Halle are you ok hon? Please check in and say hi. Big hugs xxx

Halleberry · 17/05/2016 19:01

Big hugs and appreciation for the care shown. Ive caved again and drank 2 glasses of wine. Im
So ashamed xx

dementedma · 17/05/2016 19:56

Sorry,havent read back. Just checking in

ClaretAndBlue30 · 17/05/2016 20:38

Evening babes, hope everyone is ok. Managed a run tonight for the first time in ages....nearly keeled over with exhaustion (I only ran 1.5 miles!!) but feel good for it now. Day 2 done for me.

halle I've read a bit of your back story on the dry thread and can understand a bit more now where the posters who popped over here from there are coming from - it does sound like your situation is quite serious, so I hope you manage to seek the professional help you need, take care of yourself Flowers

elba, lala how are you? rarity, not head from you in a while?

Tweettwo · 17/05/2016 21:48

Hi all

Long time lurker here. Have been struggling with the booze for years knowing I have a problem. Have hit rock bottom - just had a massive go at my lovely mum for no reason. I know I need to give up completely and go to AA but it just seems so hard to give up forever and also what do you say to friends and family? Such a nightmare. I've been following you all for months and respect you all so much. I've got 2 young kids and fear they won't have a mother when they are older unless I give up completely. Sorry to rant xxx

Tweettwo · 17/05/2016 21:52

Halle - just read some of your posts - huge huge hugs xxxx

lookingforhope · 17/05/2016 22:10

Welcome Tweet, and Halle I don't know your back story in full so probably not qualified to advise but I'm glad you are still with us and please both stick around. Wiser babes than me will be along to help soon. I hope you get the help you need xxx Feel a bit useless but I hope you can feel how much we all care about you. Marry, Pink welcome and thanks for your wise advice xxx

WillAndDisgrace · 17/05/2016 22:24

I've realised I need you all. I've had a good chat with Barry and I need this bus of crazy. I go too nuts otherwise. With you lot I had it under control. Can I get a ticket and come back on?

WillAndDisgrace · 17/05/2016 22:37

Day one tomorrow!!! Since I last saw you lot I have broken my coxics with all my antics so (along with my tooth) so really need to change things. I was so positive before but life gets in the way