Good morning lovely babes,
There are many times I wish I could jump out of your phones and tell you all will be well, and today I really wish I could!!!!
depressed I have totally been exactly where you are now, if I could have left this world without leaving the burden of grief behind for people I love much more than I ever cared for myself, I would have disappeared in a heartbeat, as I could not leave without causing heartache I chose to drink myself unconscious for days and weeks until it turned very quickly into a mental health crisis which ironically for me was the best thing that could've happened. Instantly your post suggested to me that you may be suffering with depression, not the "I'm on a downer" type but clinical depression where maybe seeing a doctor would be very helpful. I'm lucky I have some wonderful professionals and medication which has been frankly life changing. Since I had my daughter at 40, something broke in my head and a nervous breakdown and bipolar diagnosis found. I honest to god think my old life was gone and I'd never be happy again, it was the darkest most terrifying time of my life and alcohol was the only place I could actually disappear without actually leaving this life.
I have learned and I think this will help you a lot. You can't change everything all at once, you need to focus on yourself only, like a project, you sound broken and you need to fixed by whatever means you can find. Eating well and taking vitamins, b vitamins especially and lots of water will get you off to a great start and joining a gym is gonna help so much, I found excercise helped me feel normal and alive even among all the other shit and even while I was still drinking, it made my body start to fight back and flooded my brain with much needed seratonin.
There is no doubt 2 bottles a night (which I was drinking before adding days as well) is having a huge effect on your body and mind and alcohol is a huge depressant and creator of anxiety so of course we need more the next night to allay "the fear" we cannot escape from.
I've been sober since October and it's been hard facing my fears, feeling the pain and finding the courage not to drink my way through it but I spent sooo much time thinking about alcohol, hiding alcohol, recovering from hangovers, hating myself, I'd walk on broken glass to get alcohol, it was everything to me and now it is nothing, I'm actually terrified of it, I've gotten so much back and my sobriety is the key that brought a world with colour in it back to me, I guard it fiercely but all journeys begin with a single step. This bus is your first step and I'm so glad you found us xxxx
hope Happy Birthday to your darling boy, your ferocious love for kids has always shone through in your posts and your boy knows that you have sacrificed your own happiness to enable his, what greater gift can we give them. As faire said so beautifully, we mourn the child we had as we celebrate the adult they become. My dd1 is 17 this year, sometimes I feel I've gone from hero to zero, with all that's gone on with my mental health she has been exposed to things I cannot erase, it actually hurts in my chest to write this down, the last few years of her childhood were ruined by a Mother who chose drink over her and that's a cross I must bear.
I now know I've lost the little white haired ballerina who thought I was "Supermum* and that adoration was wonderful and I miss it but I still have dd2 and the forgiveness of dd1 and the chance to make good memories to push the bad ones further away.
I'm lucky, this terrifying journey has given me a new found respect for my dh, he really stepped up, I've always loved him but thought he was a bit limited emotionally and a bit of a selfish man child but when everyone else deserted me, he stayed, never blamed me and never left when he so easily could have, and that's made me see him in a whole new light. This is what you deserve, this is what you are mourning right now, I mourned my first marriage and cryed all my tears while I was still in it, the truth is when I finally left all I had left to feel was a sad, resigned relief.
it's never too late to be happy, find love, feel good again, Crikey if someone told me I would be sitting in my garden, reading a magazine, drinking cappacino and feeling very much alive and well I'd have laughed in their face or more likely cried in their face so ridiculous it seemed...,
Your a wonderful Mum, a very clever cookie and you have shown a strength of character in tolerating your constantly berating husband that most could not. Maybe it's time to see yourself as we do, to appreciate all that you are and crikey all that you can be, will be when you have the courage to begin anew... Big hugs xxxx
Love to all, your all amazing and brave and I'm so glad to stand among you xxx