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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pls form an orderly queue & tell me to LTB and/ or that I'm a complete idiot.

115 replies

BrianMolkosAlterEgo · 18/04/2016 10:52

I suppose it's my own fault for being so gullible. Long story short (well, not very short now I've read it back), OH got sacked from his job, pretended he was still going to work every day until he'd maxed out his credit card and spent our savings covering his arse, took months to find another job (despite saying repeatedly that he'd 'take anything' he actually barely looked and eventually something practically fell into his lap through his contacts). Meanwhile I was paying for everything out of my salary, mortgage, bills etc. I racked up a considerable credit card bill paying for things he really needed to set himself up with his new job, laptop, printer, hotel accommodation while he was at the other end of the country training, plus food, ongoing household costs etc because my salary only just covered our overheads. I transferred his balance and mine to an interest free card and he swore blind he would pay it all off as soon as he possibly could and he was so grateful that I hadn't left him and he had behaved so badly putting everything at risk and he loved me and he was going to put everything right blah blah blah.

So now, more than 12 months on, his credit card is again maxed out, he owes me several thousand pounds and he refuses all attempts to sit down and discuss the matter - but every month he tells me how much salary he is expecting (it's far more than I earn and plenty to make a real dent in the debts we have). All he does is push the conversation into the future - he is definitely going to start sorting it all out , of course he is but let's talk about it at the weekend/ after next payday/ nearer the time that my interest free period ends (it's now about a month away). And so for instance we have both just been paid so I bring it up again, didn't you agree we were going to talk about it, and he had a massive go at me, everything's about money with you isn't it.

I'm sick of hearing myself and I know it is in many ways my own fault for trusting him in the first place. It's not in his interests to do anything about it is it? So I'm barely speaking to him now until he does actually start doing something about it and he's playing it like I'm just in a huff (as I seem to be more and more these days).

I feel manipulated. All the times he's just told me what I want to hear and then carried on regardless. I don't want him anywhere near me and I have no idea how to solve it. In fact, I don't even think it's my problem to solve. I didn't lose my job. I didn't lie about it. I don't owe anybody any money and I am not avoiding the issue now. I hate being in debt and it's so much money, it's going to take me for fucking ever to pay it back and all the while he's just going about his business like there isn't even a problem. Which for him there isn't because the debt is on my card, in my name.

This just doesn't feel like my life any more. I want my old life back when I made decisions for myself about spending and saving. I don't want someone else in charge of me like this. But I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Donthate · 23/04/2016 20:34

How much do you owe in your name?

Joysmum · 23/04/2016 20:49

I have a family member like him, made redundant and kept her cleaner Shock and get hair/nails/massage etc for a year after despite not earning and being in debt prior to that.

I helped at first then stopped because she was spending out at the salon when I couldn't even justify doing that myself back then so wasn't.

NameChange30 · 23/04/2016 20:50

Have you got legal advice get?

NameChange30 · 23/04/2016 20:50

YET

Original poster
BrianMolkosAlterEgo · 23/04/2016 20:57

Emma no not yet.

OP posts:
MunchCrunch01 · 23/04/2016 21:00

Honestly op, what makes you think he's going to fix this? I'd take advice - and also make sure he can't draw equity out of your house. he sounds like a manipulative scumbag, now you won't take on more debt he's going to his aged parents? Doesn't that tell you something pretty awful about him?

NameChange30 · 23/04/2016 21:01

Well, that's what I advised last time, and that's what I'll advise this time.

Oh and LTB Smile

houseeveryweekend · 23/04/2016 21:19

Can you start not paying for things so that he has to? say you aren't going to pay half of any bills until he has returned the money he owes to you. And yes then LTB.

AyeAmarok · 23/04/2016 21:21

How much equity do you have and how much debt is he in?

I'm tempted to say to let him ask his parents, better their problem than yours. They made him!

houseeveryweekend · 23/04/2016 21:25

And RE the parents loan... I think you should just let him do that. I know youd feel guilty but that is what he is banking on. He needs to take responsibility for his own debt and you are allowing him not to. At least if he got his parents involved you would have an outside observer that was aware of the situation and someone else he would have to answer to which will make it harder for him to manipulate you.

MunchCrunch01 · 23/04/2016 21:27

Are there any bills in only his name you could stop paying on to clear the debts in your name faster? Tell your son what's happened and get him to move out or pay some rent as you need it unfortunately due to your oh.

IonaNE · 23/04/2016 21:46

OP, you need to divorce this guy financially I know you're not married, what I mean is that get your own finances completely separated from any of his financial matters, and that includes the house/mortgage. Otherwise this is only going to get worse, he can't handle his finances and will only get you more and more into debt and you will be forever paying for him. Get out now.

Joysmum · 23/04/2016 22:39

IonaNE has nailed it. As I advised upthread, get your credit report and fix what you can. Get legal advice too. You need to protect yourself from him.

suzannecaravaggio · 23/04/2016 23:19

His latest idea is to go to his aged parents and ask them to take out a loan and he'll pay them back 'seeing as you won't do it'. ........... His parents will be horrified. They got themselves in a right state when he was 'between jobs', I was constantly having to tell them we were ok and not to worry, and now his dad's just had major surgery with more to come. They so don't need this

he's blackmailing you, if you dont do what he wants then his parents will suffer and that will be your fault ...obviously it wont be your fault but he wants you too feel as if it will.

what if you call his bluff?
Im thinking he probably wont go to them because he knows they wont help?

suzannecaravaggio · 23/04/2016 23:22

unhitch yourself from this wagon before the wheels fall off and you both go crashing down into the ravine!

AvaCrowder · 23/04/2016 23:54

Take him up on asking his parents. Who gives a shit if they blame you. You know he can be manipulative. You don't have to pay for him if his mum and dad will.

Original poster
BrianMolkosAlterEgo · 24/04/2016 00:08

His parents won't blame me (why will they? It's not my fault and he's caused problems i can't afford to fix) but they will tie themselves up in knots about it. I'm going to try and speak to someone (legal or cab) next week. Worst case scenario is I have to take a hit on the card balance and the (very little ) equity in the house as the price to pay for my own stupidity.

OP posts:
AmyAmoeba · 24/04/2016 02:17

I'm sure it's a lovely house but you do realise that you are going to lose it eventually? It's only a matter of time.

Baconyum · 24/04/2016 03:34

Some straight talking coming from me as I think I remember your other thread where you were given good advice which you seemingly didn't take.

He has committed CRIMES of financial abuse and fraud against you (obtaining monies by deception - that would include lying to you to get you to incur debt to bankroll him) never mind socially embarrassing him or cab (who I've found useless re debt) go to the police and get a SHL re getting him kicked out! Enough already.

Phoenix69 · 24/04/2016 06:29

You are right he is manipulating you, refusing to talk about the issues, then sweeping it under the carpet, then burying his head and all the while spending your money. Enough. Nothing will change, he will keep promising that it will change in the future, with further excuses when it doesn't and more promises.

WellErrr · 24/04/2016 07:09

His parents will tie themselves up in knots about it? So are you, pet.

This is ridiculous. Stop bailing this twat out. Let him get a loan from whoever to pay you back, then leave the bastard.

AnneofGreenTables · 24/04/2016 07:48

Your DP sounds so much like my XH it's scary.

He never changed. Was always 'owed' money for freelance work that never materialised. I ended up paying off £40k of debt he ran up in joint names. No point in taking him to court for it, he never has any money.

I got wise before we split and started disentangling our finances. It's 5 years since I left him and I've only just got my credit score back. Don't be me OP, get out fast and let him pick up his own pieces for once.

(My XH got his poor mum to bail him out for the first couple of years after we split but even she left him to it in the end)

RaspberryOverload · 24/04/2016 10:32

Sell the house and he repays you out of his share of any equity. If that takes all the equity, then so be it.

If the equity isn't enough, then he sorts loans, etc, out, whether that's with his parents or elsewhere.

pocketsaviour · 24/04/2016 10:45

Christ. I had very similar with my ex, although thankfully we didn't own a house.

If you think there's a genuine possibility of getting your loan paid back via his parents, then hang tight until you've got it, then fuck him off. It's not your problem that they raised a feckless, irresponsible, selfish idiot.

If money from parents doesn't materialise within say 1 month, then just make plans to split and accept that you will never get that money back, that he has stolen it and is laughing at you. It's a damn hard lesson, but one I've had to learn. At least it's taught me to never ever lend money again without an actual legal contract regarding repayments, one that is held off site. (My ex got into my emails when we were splitting and deleted everything pertaining to the informal repayment we had. If you have anything that could be used legally to force him to repay, make sure it's safe.)

Original poster
BrianMolkosAlterEgo · 24/04/2016 16:14

Crikey there's a lot of it about isn't there? I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse Sad

OP posts: