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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pls form an orderly queue & tell me to LTB and/ or that I'm a complete idiot.

115 replies

BrianMolkosAlterEgo · 18/04/2016 10:52

I suppose it's my own fault for being so gullible. Long story short (well, not very short now I've read it back), OH got sacked from his job, pretended he was still going to work every day until he'd maxed out his credit card and spent our savings covering his arse, took months to find another job (despite saying repeatedly that he'd 'take anything' he actually barely looked and eventually something practically fell into his lap through his contacts). Meanwhile I was paying for everything out of my salary, mortgage, bills etc. I racked up a considerable credit card bill paying for things he really needed to set himself up with his new job, laptop, printer, hotel accommodation while he was at the other end of the country training, plus food, ongoing household costs etc because my salary only just covered our overheads. I transferred his balance and mine to an interest free card and he swore blind he would pay it all off as soon as he possibly could and he was so grateful that I hadn't left him and he had behaved so badly putting everything at risk and he loved me and he was going to put everything right blah blah blah.

So now, more than 12 months on, his credit card is again maxed out, he owes me several thousand pounds and he refuses all attempts to sit down and discuss the matter - but every month he tells me how much salary he is expecting (it's far more than I earn and plenty to make a real dent in the debts we have). All he does is push the conversation into the future - he is definitely going to start sorting it all out , of course he is but let's talk about it at the weekend/ after next payday/ nearer the time that my interest free period ends (it's now about a month away). And so for instance we have both just been paid so I bring it up again, didn't you agree we were going to talk about it, and he had a massive go at me, everything's about money with you isn't it.

I'm sick of hearing myself and I know it is in many ways my own fault for trusting him in the first place. It's not in his interests to do anything about it is it? So I'm barely speaking to him now until he does actually start doing something about it and he's playing it like I'm just in a huff (as I seem to be more and more these days).

I feel manipulated. All the times he's just told me what I want to hear and then carried on regardless. I don't want him anywhere near me and I have no idea how to solve it. In fact, I don't even think it's my problem to solve. I didn't lose my job. I didn't lie about it. I don't owe anybody any money and I am not avoiding the issue now. I hate being in debt and it's so much money, it's going to take me for fucking ever to pay it back and all the while he's just going about his business like there isn't even a problem. Which for him there isn't because the debt is on my card, in my name.

This just doesn't feel like my life any more. I want my old life back when I made decisions for myself about spending and saving. I don't want someone else in charge of me like this. But I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 18/04/2016 23:29

About DS. When DD left school she went on JSA and then an apprenticeship, instead of uni. And I asked for 20% of her benefit or wages. I think this gave her a good start in understanding that some income must go towards board and lodging.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 18/04/2016 23:30

Tell people. Tell people in front of him. So if his family invite you somewhere reply that you can't afford it because you are carrying his debt. This isn't your shameful secret. It's his. Bring it out into the open.

Don't threaten it - just do it. He needs motivated to pay you back and appealing to his better nature won't work so you have to make it so uncomfortable for him that he sees paying you back as the better option.

Cabrinha · 18/04/2016 23:35

Do you think he's lying about the salary that's greater than yours?
Would fit with his previous lies.

I wouldn't threaten to leave - not whilst that debt is in your name.

Does he have a credit card that accepts balance transfers on a pewee rate currently? Or can he get one? If so, use the end of the 0% on yours and tell him to transfer it. Make out like it's saving you both money.

The minute it's back in his name, end it.

He's completely taking the piss out of you - that doesn't fit with someone who loves you.

penguinplease · 18/04/2016 23:39

Why can't he take out an interest free credit card now to transfer his share over?
I know someone who had exactly this and in the end she applied online for a card on his behalf and transferred the money she was owed to him.. I know that's not a great answer but she later found a lot more debt and was well out of it. He ended up going bankrupt.

Akire · 18/04/2016 23:49

I would get up put his laptop and printer in your boot and say it's cash converters because you need to pay off some of the debt that's he's been promising too! He have to cough up if he has the money in the bank. Or do the weekly shop with value beans and bread all round, you are sorry but the extra £50 had to go on credit card before went over limit etc!

Ratbagcatbag · 19/04/2016 00:01

I like the idea of getting a new card deal in his name and transferring it from your card to his. I've moved money on cards loads doing this in both my name and dh name.

NameChange30 · 19/04/2016 00:05

What AF said

Get legal advice pronto

You need to LTB and salvage what you can financially

Original poster
BrianMolkosAlterEgo · 19/04/2016 07:45

I've woken up this morning before i read any of your replies with a sinking realisation that it's probably worse than what he's told me. He already has a loan for debts incurred before we met, which is for a bigger amount than he told me (I found a statement once) which he has defaulted on, which is why according to him he can't get any more credit.

OP posts:
RaeSkywalker · 19/04/2016 07:59

I'm curious about why his salary seems to fluctuate on a monthly basis- is he freelancing? Is it a genuine job or another lie?

You need to sit down with him properly. His random promises of sorting this in the future aren't good enough- he needs to tell you how and when he will be paying you back. If he refuses to have this conversation then I would seek advice from CAB or a solicitor.

I also agree that it might be worth exploring releasing some equity from his share of your home. If you do this, make sure you get it in writing that this is is share. I'd also try and get him to agree in writing to how much he owes you.

I think it's also worth exploring your DS and his GF paying rent. Explain that you are saddled with your DPs debt (in front of your DP), and that as a result they need to contribute or move out so that you can get a paying lodger in.

RaeSkywalker · 19/04/2016 07:59

... And you are not a complete idiot for trusting the man you love Flowers

lavenderhoney · 19/04/2016 08:08

You need to sell the house before he drags you down anymore. Take your share plus the debts he owes you, and get this in writing from him. You can ask a conveyancer to draw it up for you. Take that cost out as well.

Do it quickly before he pisses off anyway. And get away from him. And take back all the goods you've bought him and sell them.

mamas12 · 19/04/2016 08:15

Protect yourself
Go to the Citizens Advice today, phone them up tell them you need debt advice
Do it this morning they were fab with me when I found my father was within 10 days of the marital home being repossessed because of debt.
They took the pressure off so much by knowing exactly what to advise.
Dm did t end up on the streets, and things changed drastically. Sorry can't go into more detail here.
Also do as others have suggested just transfer his debt onto another card in his name only
Anyway I would ask CAB

Original poster
BrianMolkosAlterEgo · 19/04/2016 08:27

Rae yes he's freelance of a sort, commission based. Hasn't had any appointments for several weeks so there will be another dip i suppose I will have to absorb.

OP posts:
mamas12 · 19/04/2016 08:31

You sound so resigned to it.
Please change that mind set
You do not deserve to be shat on like this
He is responsible for this mess
P,ease go and talk to CAB even just for piece of mind

mamas12 · 19/04/2016 08:32

Peace

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 19/04/2016 08:39

I remember you from when you first posted about him too. The secret debts, the training, hotel accommodation and equipment he needed. You did have some good advice but nothing's changed.

When he says it's all about money with you, respond No, it's all about your debt and how it's going to be sorted out.

IlikePercyPig · 19/04/2016 08:39

Whatever you do, do not take out a card in his name to transfer the balance without speaking to him, I don't want to argue whether it's right or wrong in this situation but legally you'd be in the shit.

Original poster
BrianMolkosAlterEgo · 19/04/2016 08:44

It's not about money (well, obviously it is), it's about my/ our future and security. His disregard for that is what's pissing me off. Complete open book, full and frank disclosure when I get home tonight or I'm going public and/ or taking professional advice.

OP posts:
ricketytickety · 19/04/2016 08:46

I'd say this was financial abuse. He has forced you into debt in your name only against your wishes. This is exactly what financial abusers do. He has also spent your joint savings. Lied about his income. Tried to live a parasitic life (no job, lying about trying to get one) for as long as possible. During that time you paid all bills and mortgage so it was not 50/50 then!!

I would say he is probably lying to you about his income now, just to hold off the inevitable which is when you realise (about now) that he is never going to pay you pack and that he is never going to contribute his fair share. Which makes you his workhorse and that is not right.

Refusing to discuss it or sort it out is his way of forcing the situation to continue. Bullies don't all shout and scream. Some will remain silent and cold shoulder people who don't do what they want them to do.

The fact that he is denying you any say in how you get your debt resolved or how the finances will work in the future shows that he does not care about how this affects you. The situation is all working in his favour.

Because you have invested in the property and have a massive debt, don't think you have to keep slogging away at thee relationship in the hope that he'll repay you or that he'll start doing his fair share of the financial burden.

Having been in a similar-ish position I would spend a lot of time thinking 'why is he doing this? Why can't he see how much this is hurting me? Why can't he see how much I need his help with the finances?'. It was incredibly stressful and made me full of resentment and anger. Of course, the answer to my questions became obvious after we split: he did know it was wrong, it was hurting me. He just did not care because the status quo was in his benefit.

senua · 19/04/2016 08:48

You've waited this long, a bit longer won't hurt. Get that professional advice so you know your facts before you tackle him. Be more informed than him.

ricketytickety · 19/04/2016 08:53

Have a look at this nnedv.org/resources/ejresources/about-financial-abuse.html

You get two main types of financial abuser. The one is a very controlling type who works and doesn't like the partner working/earning and they control every penny. The other is the person who doesn't bring in an income, but controls the finances by getting the partner to take out loans, maxes out credit cards/joint accounts raided etc. which is the position you are in.

fieldfare · 19/04/2016 09:01

Quite honestly, sod that for a laugh.
Why on earth would you possibly want to remain in a marriage based on lies, mistrust and financial abuse?

Just imagine how liberating it would be, yes it would also be quite hard to begin with, to only be reliant upon yourself? Not having to handle, manage and give head-space to someone else's fuck ups?

suzannecaravaggio · 19/04/2016 09:03

His modus operandi sounds very con man like
It would be nice if you could turn the tables and do some sort of number on him
What can you use for leverage?
Come on
Take control, fuck him over and dump him
Stop being a mug

Joysmum · 19/04/2016 09:05

Of course it's not about money, it's about lying, the undisclosed debt and lack of respect to pay you back or make a debt clearance plan.

I think this'll only get worse.

suzannecaravaggio · 19/04/2016 09:07

Being straight with him is a waste of time because he doesn't play fair, every thing he says is bullshit
Play him at his own game, lie and bullshit your way out

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