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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pls form an orderly queue & tell me to LTB and/ or that I'm a complete idiot.

115 replies

BrianMolkosAlterEgo · 18/04/2016 10:52

I suppose it's my own fault for being so gullible. Long story short (well, not very short now I've read it back), OH got sacked from his job, pretended he was still going to work every day until he'd maxed out his credit card and spent our savings covering his arse, took months to find another job (despite saying repeatedly that he'd 'take anything' he actually barely looked and eventually something practically fell into his lap through his contacts). Meanwhile I was paying for everything out of my salary, mortgage, bills etc. I racked up a considerable credit card bill paying for things he really needed to set himself up with his new job, laptop, printer, hotel accommodation while he was at the other end of the country training, plus food, ongoing household costs etc because my salary only just covered our overheads. I transferred his balance and mine to an interest free card and he swore blind he would pay it all off as soon as he possibly could and he was so grateful that I hadn't left him and he had behaved so badly putting everything at risk and he loved me and he was going to put everything right blah blah blah.

So now, more than 12 months on, his credit card is again maxed out, he owes me several thousand pounds and he refuses all attempts to sit down and discuss the matter - but every month he tells me how much salary he is expecting (it's far more than I earn and plenty to make a real dent in the debts we have). All he does is push the conversation into the future - he is definitely going to start sorting it all out , of course he is but let's talk about it at the weekend/ after next payday/ nearer the time that my interest free period ends (it's now about a month away). And so for instance we have both just been paid so I bring it up again, didn't you agree we were going to talk about it, and he had a massive go at me, everything's about money with you isn't it.

I'm sick of hearing myself and I know it is in many ways my own fault for trusting him in the first place. It's not in his interests to do anything about it is it? So I'm barely speaking to him now until he does actually start doing something about it and he's playing it like I'm just in a huff (as I seem to be more and more these days).

I feel manipulated. All the times he's just told me what I want to hear and then carried on regardless. I don't want him anywhere near me and I have no idea how to solve it. In fact, I don't even think it's my problem to solve. I didn't lose my job. I didn't lie about it. I don't owe anybody any money and I am not avoiding the issue now. I hate being in debt and it's so much money, it's going to take me for fucking ever to pay it back and all the while he's just going about his business like there isn't even a problem. Which for him there isn't because the debt is on my card, in my name.

This just doesn't feel like my life any more. I want my old life back when I made decisions for myself about spending and saving. I don't want someone else in charge of me like this. But I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Summerlovinf · 19/04/2016 09:08

I agree with AF, I think it's a scam. Take immediate action to limit your exposure to debt in your name, don't take on any more for any reason. Cut your losses and get this man out of your house and your life ASAP.

suzannecaravaggio · 19/04/2016 09:09

Hasn't had any appointments for several weeks so there will be another dip i suppose I will have to absorb

You're resigned to this aren't you?
Perhaps you enjoy being a martyr?

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 19/04/2016 09:13

I'd be very surprised if his salary is anywhere near what he's claiming.

suzannecaravaggio · 19/04/2016 09:19

Let go of your desire for the house, the price to pay for living there is putting up with this money pit of a man
His debts will mount up soon so they they are greater the value of the house

ricketytickety · 19/04/2016 09:28

Don't feel stupid. That is how con artists work. They use your normal emotions like kindness, wanting to believe they are honest, wanting to keep the peace, the hope that they love you and it will all be alright etc to screw you over. Then, they rely on your confusion and embarassment to keep you quiet so they can screw you over a bit longer. None of this is your fault.

123itsme · 19/04/2016 09:29

Book an appointment with a money expert and go to it with him totally unaware of where here going . Take all your joint financials or better still take them before, to let them see them and then go to the follow up meeting together ... To save face - he will have to stand up and deal with his problems right there . It one way to get things out in the open!

If he doesn't deal with it and walks out, LTB!

Joysmum · 19/04/2016 09:33

Experian are doing a free 30 day trial (make sure you cancel it after you get your info) to find out your credit score, which should show him as a name linked with yours and your credit score.

You need to make moves to separate his debts from yours to cleanse your credit record of his debts as you aren't married.

suzannecaravaggio · 19/04/2016 09:34

He can't get equity out of the house without your permission right?
I wonder if he has some long term plan to go bankrupt?

Consider and antipicpate all the ways that he could screw you over

Getting angry when you raise the subject is a classic technique to intimidate and distract you

ricketytickety · 19/04/2016 09:35

Thinking over my experience, watch out for these beauties:

'I did the work but they're refusing to pay me - so I have no money because I've been done over. You being angry is so unfair. I'm the victim here.'

'I had to pay for x,y and z so I've got no money left. You know I need to invest in my business to keep it going. Stop trying to hold me back.'

'So and so really needed my help. I've lent them some money. Are you saying I shouldn't have helped them?'

CocktailQueen · 19/04/2016 09:37

Complete open book, full and frank disclosure when I get home tonight or I'm going public and/ or taking professional advice.

Think this ^^ is the best way to go. He's making a fool of you, blatantly disregarding your wishes, and lying, lying, lying. Do you see a way back?

Good luck Flowers

NameChange30 · 19/04/2016 09:47

"Complete open book, full and frank disclosure when I get home tonight or I'm going public and/ or taking professional advice."

You need to get professional advice whatever he says! Even if he claims to be telling you the full truth, you know full well that won't be the case. Get advice before and after speaking to him.

As a PP said, this is financial abuse.

STOP BEING A MUG

ricketytickety · 19/04/2016 09:49

He also conned other people eg. took their money to do work for them then did a bad/incomplete job. That's why in the end he didn't get paid the full amount as he never really completed a job. I had no idea but gradually worked it out from little clues: people would ring and ask where he was, he'd lie about where he'd been, they'd make comments about incomplete work and he'd say 'they're a difficult customer'. I didn't hear about it all because I think people decided not to take it out on me so to speak. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he lost his job and has trouble getting more work because he is a small time con artist who takes the money and does crappy/incomplete work and thus never gets fully paid.

Original poster
BrianMolkosAlterEgo · 19/04/2016 09:51

The only way back that I can see is if I had complete control of the household finances. Then I would be completely open with him about where I was up to with sorting it out and what I needed to do next. I don't take the sort of risks he seems happy to make. We have no contingency. It's never going to work otherwise is it? And if he won't give me that (why would he?) then it's just plain not going to work at all. Sad

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 19/04/2016 09:54

There is no way back, he has lied to you, stolen from you and run up debts in your name.

RaeSkywalker · 19/04/2016 09:59

Freelance clearly doesn't work for him. He needs to look for another job.

I don't think this is going to end well OP, I'm really sorry. Try and get as much information and support as you can ahead of tonight.

Costacoffeeplease · 19/04/2016 10:02

Do you really want to have to take over everything financial, treat him like a child, have all the pressure on you to sort it out, he gets off Scot free and doesn't have to take responsibility?

I don't think so - and I don't think you can come back from the lies and deceit - I don't know why you'd want to either

suzannecaravaggio · 19/04/2016 10:06

I think you still believe then he will one day earn the wonderful salary that he has promised, and then you will together enjoy together the life and the home that you dream of
Understandable but these are just castles in the air, lies that he uses because he knows you want these things

mix56 · 19/04/2016 14:03

I think you need to sell house asap. he gets his 50% minus all the money he owes you.
You start again without this leech

OzzieFem · 19/04/2016 17:30

Agree with mix56, plus your DS and gf can stay with your OH. Grin

temporarilyjerry · 19/04/2016 18:29

The only way back that I can see is if I had complete control of the household finances.

But you are not financial compatible. This is who he is. You can't change him. Do you really want to be with someone that you can't trust and whom you have to "manage"?

Joysmum · 19/04/2016 18:40

It's not about how much he earns, it's about the fact he's prepared to spend beyond his means, lie about it, and not respect you enough so you don't have to fund his choices. The more he earns, the more he's happy to spend whether it's a £30 shirt because he's on £30000 or a £60 shirt because he's on £60000 the willingness to spend more than he can afford will remain.

Worse that he belittles and gets angry to your attitude to debt.

suzannecaravaggio · 19/04/2016 23:30

he's a liability, you need to anticipate his next moves and protect yourself from further damage

Original poster
BrianMolkosAlterEgo · 23/04/2016 20:17

Ok so an update. He's agreed with me that he's had his head in the sand like he always does when he realises I'm not going to shut up about it. Says he thought we'd agreed that I was going to get a loan to clear the cards and he was going to pay me the money for the repayments. I said no that might have been an option once but he hasn't been paying me what I've been forking out to cover the minimum payments on the balance transfer so how can he expect me to believe he's actually going to pay larger loan repayments. I cant afford to cover it and anyway why should I. Etc. Round and round. His latest idea is to go to his aged parents and ask them to take out a loan and he'll pay them back 'seeing as you won't do it'. He says it's not worth looking into getting a(nother) loan or card in his own name because he thinks his credit record is so poor nobody will take him. His parents will be horrified. They got themselves in a right state when he was 'between jobs', I was constantly having to tell them we were ok and not to worry, and now his dad's just had major surgery with more to come. They so don't need this. I've never felt so claustrophobic in my life.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 23/04/2016 20:23

I'm so glad you had the balls to tell him no. No reason why you should get dragged into this Angry

He couldn't even reduce spending, let alone pay you so you'd be a fool to take a loan for him. Head over heart Flowers

Original poster
BrianMolkosAlterEgo · 23/04/2016 20:32

Well that's it Joy. We had all the waterworks about how he can't forgive himself for losing his job and he's ruined everything but I told him I'm we're not in this mess because he lost his job, I'm we're in this mess because he carried on like Billy Big Bollocks, eating out 3 times a week and making me promises when he should have been paying things off. I'm not pissed off with him for not fixing it all, everybody fucks up and sometimes life throws you a curve ball. I'm pissed off because he hasn't even started fixing any of it and he's still making it worse.

OP posts: