Could/would you or has anyone dated a sex offender?

[WTAF]

Really not sure where to start! But can't talk to RL people about this so here goes.

I met a guy online a little over 3 weeks ago. Instant connection with chatting, met him after 4 days of non stop messaging and the connection was there in real life too. Which as anyone who has done online dating will know, is rare. And was great! Both of us very surprised but glad to have met each other. We've seen each other every other day since then, so I guess about a dozen times. We've been out, he's been to my house, I've been to his. He's definitely single, which after a cheating ex and a MM from online dating, is obviously something I make very sure of!

He has 2 kids with his ex-wife, and sees them every other weekend. They split about 5 years ago. It came up in conversation one night about a week ago about why I'd split up with my sons dad (I have one DS, aged 7) and I was very honest, told the full story. And then asked him why he'd split from his wife. He went a bit weird and said he'd tell me one day, but wasn't ready to yet. So I let it drop, but of course started to wonder why he hadn't just said. So last night I had a few to drink while we were out, and once we got home I asked him again. He still didn't want to say but I pushed it and he gave in, and told me the full story. Or what he says is the full story.

Don't want to go into huge detail here but basically, he is on the sex offenders register. He was unhappy with his wife, started talking to people online, met a girl in a chat room, and there was some sex chat I think, before she said she was 15. They met up one day, with plans just for coffee, and kissed. He says just kissed. Someone that knew her saw her and reported it. He says. Ultimately he was charged with grooming (because of the previous sex chat) and sexual activity with a minor. He didn't go to prison (he says) but he's on the register.

So wtf do I do now? I'm not in love, and am therefore capable of rational thought! I don't know if he's told me the whole truth, and how would I ever find out? And even if I could, the fact I don't trust what he's said probably isn't a good sign is it? I feel the fact he knew she was 15 before he met her, and did it anyway, makes a huge difference. He says he was very depressed in his marriage and sounds like he was in self destruct mode. I feel horrible for ending it over this because it's obviously something he hugely regrets and is desperate to move on from, but I just don't know if it's something I can live with. I have nieces and friends with young girls, I want to believe he's a good person who made one incredibly stupid mistake but what if it turned out he wasn't?

So many unknowns. 3 weeks in, I should just get out shouldn't I? I think writing this out has almost answered my own question. But how do I tell him kindly? He's going to be absolutely gutted and I'm not good at dumping at the best of times. What a mess.

I'm not going to pile on, and am thrilled to read you've done the right thing but I really do think you need to look at your boundaries for future relationships.

You have a child.

You shouldn't have had a stranger in the house with him so early on.

It wasn't even a relationship!

I just think you need to thread more carefully in future.

And yes. I would be informing the police.

Waltermitty, OP's son wasn't there when the man visited the house. This was mentioned in the post that's been deleted so you couldn't have known.

Ah, ok. Sorry! Thanks for clarifying.

But I do still think it wouldn't hurt to have more careful boundaries.

Is there not a system where you can ask at the police station?

I'd be doing that and finding out exactly what he was convicted off and what his restrictions were. He may not be allowed online etc.

Thanks everyone who's been so nice, think I was in a bit of shock yesterday tbh! Things all much clearer today, obviously. Feeling quite confused really, have always been someone who takes people at their word, but don't think of myself as a fool either, I did all the basic research I could realistically have been expected to do. But clearly that isn't enough! Not sure how to go about trusting anyone in the future after that. Definitely taking a very long break from the online thing, that's for sure.

To anyone that's been overly harsh, I've been on MN long enough to have expected it, and I'm not taking it to heart. But seriously, I would NEVER have thought I'd end up in this situation in a million years, and it could have happened to anyone. I met a nice guy, went out, visited his home, looked him up online, literally everything he told me about himself checks out. Just turns out he didn't mention the sex offender bit! Yes maybe, having a guy round to the house (without my son present!) wasn't the smartest but seriously, that wasn't the first date or even the fifth date and who at that point, having met someone seemingly so charming and whose story checks out, hasn't invited them back. It happens. And it's terrifying! So maybe just be a bit less harsh in your responses. I know my OP made it seem like I was considering staying with him, and that's my fault. It wasn't a well thought out post, it was a spur of the moment writing of my thoughts as they were coming to me. I would NEVER have allowed that round my kid, or the kids of anyone I knew, for a second. I just needed to get my thoughts in order. Which I have, and thanks to everyone that helped with that

I am very very sorry FP239, and everyone else here who has undergone these horrendous experiences.

Good luck WTAF.
As an alternative to on-line dating, I read somewhere that people meet through six degrees of separation, and oddly quite often through women friends. I don't know how true that is but at least making a lot of friends through activities might be a start for knowing someone with a grapevine of information around them so you could be a bit safer in the future OP.

I've known someone on the sex offenders register who was allowed and did live with his SDC's following his conviction. I also know a schedule one offender who went back to 2 of his DCs following his release from prison. His SW also fought for his right to take his DC to primary school.

Both of these men went on to sexually abuse other children.

I am sorry to read of all who have had a horrible time and well done op for doing the right thing.

I am reminded of a case I remember from a previous job.

Woman was in a relationship with a man and they had their wedding planned. Police found out about the relationship and knocked on her door to tell her this man was a sex offender and in all probability had started the relationship with her because she had an 11 year old dd.

This poor woman was devistated (understandably) and showed him the door. She was so strong and dignified. I often think about her on Easter Sunday, as that was supposed to be her wedding day.

That said - I saw / heard a lot of horror stories in that job and the fact that it stuck with me demonstrates how (hopefully) rare it is. There are good men out there.

Take care of yourself op.

Well done OP

The thing is with sex offenders of that ilk is that they are predatory. They employ the same tactics throughout all their interactions. So you also are a victim of his grooming. Hard to accept but it's frightening, you can see how he could have swept you off your feet, and you are a grown intelligent woman. A child? They don't stand a chance.

They groom the adults first, very intelligent, charming etc

IMO (NOT humble) if these sick unrepentant bastards were imprisoned for life as they should be this would be less of a problem (yes you'd still have to worry about the ones not yet caught/convicted but less of a problem still). They don't change ever!

The chap who was a 'friend' of my ex was definitely grooming us as a family. I had a social worker call me to ask how much contact he'd had with my dc, which as far as I knew was one afternoon he'd come to our house for a bbq. He had told his probation officer about his great new friend who had kids, and they acted very quickly. He wasn't allowed to be near children. He'd served 13 years for the abuse he had inflicted as a hospital Chaplin

Still makes me shudder even all these years later

My parents friend was an abuser. Happily married man with two dds our age ended up sleeping with an underage pupil of his. Now lives in Thailand.

When it came out df wrote him a strong letter saying how shocked he was and our family would have nothing to do with him. He was shocked!

Weirdly my little sister had always hated him was a standing joke that this sweet good natured usually polite and well behaved pre schooler would say to us "I hate that man" whenever we met up with their family.