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Original poster

Could/would you or has anyone dated a sex offender?

139 replies

WTAF · 17/04/2016 19:15

Really not sure where to start! But can't talk to RL people about this so here goes.

I met a guy online a little over 3 weeks ago. Instant connection with chatting, met him after 4 days of non stop messaging and the connection was there in real life too. Which as anyone who has done online dating will know, is rare. And was great! Both of us very surprised but glad to have met each other. We've seen each other every other day since then, so I guess about a dozen times. We've been out, he's been to my house, I've been to his. He's definitely single, which after a cheating ex and a MM from online dating, is obviously something I make very sure of!

He has 2 kids with his ex-wife, and sees them every other weekend. They split about 5 years ago. It came up in conversation one night about a week ago about why I'd split up with my sons dad (I have one DS, aged 7) and I was very honest, told the full story. And then asked him why he'd split from his wife. He went a bit weird and said he'd tell me one day, but wasn't ready to yet. So I let it drop, but of course started to wonder why he hadn't just said. So last night I had a few to drink while we were out, and once we got home I asked him again. He still didn't want to say but I pushed it and he gave in, and told me the full story. Or what he says is the full story.

Don't want to go into huge detail here but basically, he is on the sex offenders register. He was unhappy with his wife, started talking to people online, met a girl in a chat room, and there was some sex chat I think, before she said she was 15. They met up one day, with plans just for coffee, and kissed. He says just kissed. Someone that knew her saw her and reported it. He says. Ultimately he was charged with grooming (because of the previous sex chat) and sexual activity with a minor. He didn't go to prison (he says) but he's on the register.

So wtf do I do now? I'm not in love, and am therefore capable of rational thought! I don't know if he's told me the whole truth, and how would I ever find out? And even if I could, the fact I don't trust what he's said probably isn't a good sign is it? I feel the fact he knew she was 15 before he met her, and did it anyway, makes a huge difference. He says he was very depressed in his marriage and sounds like he was in self destruct mode. I feel horrible for ending it over this because it's obviously something he hugely regrets and is desperate to move on from, but I just don't know if it's something I can live with. I have nieces and friends with young girls, I want to believe he's a good person who made one incredibly stupid mistake but what if it turned out he wasn't?

So many unknowns. 3 weeks in, I should just get out shouldn't I? I think writing this out has almost answered my own question. But how do I tell him kindly? He's going to be absolutely gutted and I'm not good at dumping at the best of times. What a mess.

OP posts:
WellErrr · 17/04/2016 19:34

Oh and FYI, no paedophile is guilty according to them.

'She said she was older'
'She looked 20 at least!'
'It was only a kiss'
'I downloaded it by mistake'
'It was a virus on the computer'
'They got me on a technicality'

Etc.

Itisbetternow · 17/04/2016 19:36

would the police tell you more detail under Sarah's law or something else? Either way I would end it. He knew she was 15.

DrMorbius · 17/04/2016 19:37

Sometimes I read things on here that are beyond my comprehension But how do I tell him kindly? He's going to be absolutely gutted Just tell the pervert to fuck off.

As Foxes put he "kissed" a child after talking dirty with them online and despite knowing they were a child therefore why are you asking what to do? Surely it is obvious.

Original poster
WTAF · 17/04/2016 19:38

"If it were just me involved, i would ask if I could talk to other people who know him, eg his ex wife, maybe a transcript of the trial? I would make it clear that this remains on the table to talk about, any reluctance to share or lies and I'd be gone.

It's a bloody huge risk to take with kids though."

Exactly this as well. I can't have my kid around someone who did that. Or my friends kids. I just can't do it. Going to have be tough and just get it over with aren't I. I've left it with him as I need some time and space to think. Ugh.

OP posts:
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 17/04/2016 19:38

WTF.

No, I wouldn't go near someone like that with a hundred foot barge pole.

Sick bastard.

And you obviously know that too. You would never be able to trust him around your kids or kids of the family. Plus, ew, massive turn off for you too, knowing he gets his rocks off to underage /vulnerable girls.

Sorry it has turned out this way for you.

MushroomMama · 17/04/2016 19:39

Good grief no run and run fast

Goingtobeawesome · 17/04/2016 19:42

Why is it a mess? Serious question.

You are an adult who is free to make your own choices, not someone trapped in a situation difficult to get out of.

It's actually quite tidy. Run the fuck away.

ilovepicnmix · 17/04/2016 19:43

If he doesn't have a probation officer he will certainly have anice allocated public protection police officer. Ask him for their number and see what they tell you.

ilovepicnmix · 17/04/2016 19:43

An. Not necessarily nice.

FelicityR313 · 17/04/2016 19:44

Given the sentence that footballer guy got recently for grooming a 15 year old (can't remember whether they actually had sex or not?), then I'd be surprised if he didn't serve time.

Yseulte · 17/04/2016 19:45

The likelihood of him getting caught the very first time he was in contact with a 15 year old is minute. The offence of 'sexual activity with a child' usually refers to sex rather than just kissing.

You're doing the right thing OP.

FanDabbyFloozy · 17/04/2016 19:48

If he's currently on the offenders list, he is supposed to record any case when he stays in the same place as a juvenile overnight, and various other conditions. Do you want your child showing up on that?

Sorry - I am also in the run fast camp..

birchygoo · 17/04/2016 19:48

Even if you can get past it and believe what he is telling you, your friends and family with young daughters are certainly not going to want risk having him in their company. Are you prepared to lose these people from your life for this man ... It's a real possibility. I wouldn't want him in my company. I also was that 13 year old girl who someone attempted to groom. Only I was repulsed by boys/men and had a good male 13 friend who was able to get me out of the situation my story would have been completely different. I was too frightened to tell anyone. About 6 years later he did jail for abusing a young kid. I have to live with not speaking up, but I just wanted to show how you never get the full story and he may reoffend even if he says not.

user7755 · 17/04/2016 19:51

Not a snowballs chance in hell would I have him anywhere near my kids or me.

EweAreHere · 17/04/2016 19:52

Run.Away.Yesterday.

I can't believe you have to ask.

RedMapleLeaf · 17/04/2016 19:56

Exactly this as well. I can't have my kid around someone who did that.

But you've already had him in your kid's home Confused

Seriously, what kinds of responses were you expecting to your OP?

Snoopydo · 17/04/2016 19:56

Why are you even debating it? As soon as he said it you should have run a mile. So what how lovely he has been in twelve days?

Wrcgirl · 17/04/2016 19:57

Friend dated a sex offender. Had hervchildren taken away.

Original poster
WTAF · 17/04/2016 19:58

I know what you're all saying, not sure why I had to ask either! Normally I'd talk to a friend about this, but couldn't this time for obvious reasons. As soon as I'd got my thoughts down I probably didn't need to hit post, it was already pretty clear! Never in a million years would have expected that of him. And I'm very grateful that he told me this early on.

Thanks for spelling it out though, think it's done me good to have my thoughts confirmed.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 17/04/2016 20:00

You know what you need to do here OP.

How does this play out further down the line? You move in together? With SS involvement? Do you tell the parents of your son's friends - which would likely mean he never has a friend to visit? Because there's certainly no way you could Have them over to play without their parents' knowing your partner is a sex offender.

Actually, just say that outloud: my partner is a sex offender. How does that make you feel?

Run for the hills.

Original poster
WTAF · 17/04/2016 20:00

I didn't know that when I had him in my kids home though did I, RedMapleLeaf! I don't DBS check every person (not that there are many!) that comes through the door.

Although maybe I should start. Fuck.

OP posts:
Snoopydo · 17/04/2016 20:00

It also sounds as if you are defending him and trying to understand him. Just leave.

squeezed · 17/04/2016 20:02

It might be that it happened as he said, or there could be more to it. He might have gone to prison, he might have further restrictions that he's not told you about, such as not having contact with children. If he is still subject to sex Offender register he'll have a police officer who supervises him, and you could speak to them. He may also have a Probation Officer. If he doesn't give you their details, it's a sign to walk away. Alternatively you can make an application under Sara's law to the police to get more information. If you decide to have a relationship, then you need to make a decision about how limiting the sex offender register can be to your life and how you would need to notify social services. At the moment you only have his version of events, I think you walk away now or get more information before you make the decision. If you are wanting to have a relationship, please please contact police/social services first.

SofiaAmes · 17/04/2016 20:02

You met a guy online and within weeks had him over to your house where you have a 7 year old living. I would sit down and have a good think about how wise that was to begin with. And now he's told you he's a sex offender and you are still contemplating continuing to date him and expose your child to him. I think you need to do a very big reality check about the dangers you are exposing you AND your child to.

HermioneWeasley · 17/04/2016 20:04

"exactly what I wanted to find"

He isn't though, is he? He's a paedophile sex offender - I doubt that was on your 'ideal man' list. He's pretended to be something to get in with you. You're lucky you've found out now.

The hills you need to be running for are this way >>>>>>