Could/would you or has anyone dated a sex offender?

[WTAF]

Really not sure where to start! But can't talk to RL people about this so here goes.

I met a guy online a little over 3 weeks ago. Instant connection with chatting, met him after 4 days of non stop messaging and the connection was there in real life too. Which as anyone who has done online dating will know, is rare. And was great! Both of us very surprised but glad to have met each other. We've seen each other every other day since then, so I guess about a dozen times. We've been out, he's been to my house, I've been to his. He's definitely single, which after a cheating ex and a MM from online dating, is obviously something I make very sure of!

He has 2 kids with his ex-wife, and sees them every other weekend. They split about 5 years ago. It came up in conversation one night about a week ago about why I'd split up with my sons dad (I have one DS, aged 7) and I was very honest, told the full story. And then asked him why he'd split from his wife. He went a bit weird and said he'd tell me one day, but wasn't ready to yet. So I let it drop, but of course started to wonder why he hadn't just said. So last night I had a few to drink while we were out, and once we got home I asked him again. He still didn't want to say but I pushed it and he gave in, and told me the full story. Or what he says is the full story.

Don't want to go into huge detail here but basically, he is on the sex offenders register. He was unhappy with his wife, started talking to people online, met a girl in a chat room, and there was some sex chat I think, before she said she was 15. They met up one day, with plans just for coffee, and kissed. He says just kissed. Someone that knew her saw her and reported it. He says. Ultimately he was charged with grooming (because of the previous sex chat) and sexual activity with a minor. He didn't go to prison (he says) but he's on the register.

So wtf do I do now? I'm not in love, and am therefore capable of rational thought! I don't know if he's told me the whole truth, and how would I ever find out? And even if I could, the fact I don't trust what he's said probably isn't a good sign is it? I feel the fact he knew she was 15 before he met her, and did it anyway, makes a huge difference. He says he was very depressed in his marriage and sounds like he was in self destruct mode. I feel horrible for ending it over this because it's obviously something he hugely regrets and is desperate to move on from, but I just don't know if it's something I can live with. I have nieces and friends with young girls, I want to believe he's a good person who made one incredibly stupid mistake but what if it turned out he wasn't?

So many unknowns. 3 weeks in, I should just get out shouldn't I? I think writing this out has almost answered my own question. But how do I tell him kindly? He's going to be absolutely gutted and I'm not good at dumping at the best of times. What a mess.

Well done. I'm sure it must be really disappointing but you know you've done the right thing.

Can I make a suggestion though? That level of intensity at the outset of a relationship should be a huge red flag. You shouldn't be seeing someone every day when you're an adult starting a new relationship and particularly not when you have children. It skews your judgement

Take things slowly :)

I would definitely not - online dating is full of awful people with one or two gems (bitter experience)

Well done Op & thank goodness you found out this early on.

You did the right thing.

Of course he was lovely and charming - he's a groomer!! That's how it works. He's hardly going to be a complete twat is he?!

How long is he on Sex Offenders Register and when was he convicted?

I think you know you have done the right thing but good to hear from others..The fact you sent and blocked is the best you can do.

The thing with Sex offenders is they aren't all scrubby men in mac's.. There are many a story of wives who find out years into their relationship...So yes you have had a lucky escape..However you are right it will knock your confidence in trusting anyone else..

He groomed her - he groomed you - maybe he will groom your child next?? How many chances do you give him??

Is it normal that a man on the sex offenders register has unsupervised access to his minor children? That seems odd to me.

Agree with Lynda. The red flags were waving for me when you mentioned the intensity. Being married and kissing a 15 year old confirmed it. Take things slow OP. Take time to know someone. Charm often covers an ugly personality.

Well done for ending it
Someone up thread said what I was going to: sexual predators ARE really charming. That's how they do what they do

I dated someone a couple of years ago and was going to use Sarah's Law to lol him up as I was worried from a violence point of view, then I gave myself a slap, and finished it. If I'm with someone I'm even considering that I need to get checked out, then I need to not be with them

*look him up

I would invoke Sarah's Law and ask about him at a police station.

Another yy to PP - sexual predators are charming. That's how they muscle their way in and gain trust. I know this because I know one. I knew from the start that there was something dodgy about him, I don't want to go into the details but my friend wouldn't believe me, thought he was great. And I watched him as he "played" with her kids, it always seemed to end up with them climbing on him and their knickers being flashed. Hideous to watch - especially as he knew I had my eye on him and would look me in the eye and grin. It ended our friendship as I couldn't be party to it anymore and wasn't believed when I questioned it. Eventually he was of course arrested for abusing a young girl whose mother had been sucked in. My friend was in bits - but so many mutual friends didn't believe it and blamed the girl/mother for lying. Truly awful situation. You've done the right thing by getting rid, well done for being strong and questioning because plenty don't

I knew one once as well, a 'friend' of my exh's. I knew something wasn't right about him. He was charm itself and I can see why my ex didn't see it. Other people's kids just aren't that interesting are they? I noticed straight away he was more interested in my ds than was normal

Well done, you did the right thing

15. As you said you have answered your own question. Forget the any charm and the sense of connection. He is probably good at giving the feeling of both. He got you interested on line just like he got the girl.

Even if she were 16, 17, it would not be too nice. It seems likely he is no where near her age and the girl was no where near being a real adult. Someone must have reported him because it did not look right. How old is he?

Don't worry about him being devastated as you have your whole future to think about. You should not sacrifice it for his feelings.

WTAF you said He must be Oscar-worthy.

That would be typical. There was a television programme quite recently about psychopaths. One man shown on the programme had actually been filmed by a dating agency during an initial interview and this was shown i.e it wasn't an actor.

In the dating agency interview film he was good looking and completely believable. He talked about his job/business/life. He was charming. But everything he said in this interview was a lie. It was terrifying to watch and realise it would be impossible for anyone to know.

I do think it's kind of weird that he has unsupervised access to his kids. But maybe he doesn't. Maybe that was a lie too!

He would have been late thirties at the time of the 15 year old. All kinds of wrong. You obviously know that these people exist but you don't expect to meet one, never mind date them and not know. The world is a scary place! Feel I've learned a valuable lesson, even though I wish I hadn't. Yikes.

A friend of mine is a very clever, educated woman in her 40s. She is married with two young daughters and has a very responsible professional job. She is not naive , stupid or gullible .

A close relative of hers was jailed for having indecent images of children on his computer . My friend had no idea at all, she has known him all her life and thought he was a lovely man . Fortunately He's never been alone with her children but that's just good luck rather than because she suspected that anything was wrong .

You cannot tell with abusers, they are not all " creepy " or weird . Sometimes you may have a feeling that someone is wrong , but NOT ALWAYS.

It's NOT YOUR FAULT that you didn't suspect this man OP.

Christ, I'm not surprised you needed a sounding board.

Think of it this way. I'd consider myself to be of pretty average morality and there are more skeletons in my closet than I'd like. But I've found it extremely easy, literally no effort at all actually, to stay of the sex offenders register.

Don't feel bad about ending it. His sex offence involved a child and you have your child living with you. His feelings aren't your responsibility. Especially as he'll have given you the most acceptable version he could think of, which isn't likely to be as truthful as you'd like.

It's one thing to marry someone whilst being completely ignorant of he fact that they are a SO it's another thing to continue dating them once you are aware - so well done.

As a side note - how many people are out there in relationships with rapists whose victims never came forward or people like Maxine Carr and Robert Thompson who are living under assumed names and their significant other is unaware.

Probably more people than have ever given it thought

Just to add - of course he's 'lovely', he's had lots of practice at grooming. He knows how to be 'lovely'.

Sorry, it's a 'no way' from me too.

Should you maybe drop into a police station and let them know what he's said and that he's online dating again. And targeting women with children? Save someone else this shock. The worst they can be is uninterested.