Could/would you or has anyone dated a sex offender?

[WTAF]

Really not sure where to start! But can't talk to RL people about this so here goes.

I met a guy online a little over 3 weeks ago. Instant connection with chatting, met him after 4 days of non stop messaging and the connection was there in real life too. Which as anyone who has done online dating will know, is rare. And was great! Both of us very surprised but glad to have met each other. We've seen each other every other day since then, so I guess about a dozen times. We've been out, he's been to my house, I've been to his. He's definitely single, which after a cheating ex and a MM from online dating, is obviously something I make very sure of!

He has 2 kids with his ex-wife, and sees them every other weekend. They split about 5 years ago. It came up in conversation one night about a week ago about why I'd split up with my sons dad (I have one DS, aged 7) and I was very honest, told the full story. And then asked him why he'd split from his wife. He went a bit weird and said he'd tell me one day, but wasn't ready to yet. So I let it drop, but of course started to wonder why he hadn't just said. So last night I had a few to drink while we were out, and once we got home I asked him again. He still didn't want to say but I pushed it and he gave in, and told me the full story. Or what he says is the full story.

Don't want to go into huge detail here but basically, he is on the sex offenders register. He was unhappy with his wife, started talking to people online, met a girl in a chat room, and there was some sex chat I think, before she said she was 15. They met up one day, with plans just for coffee, and kissed. He says just kissed. Someone that knew her saw her and reported it. He says. Ultimately he was charged with grooming (because of the previous sex chat) and sexual activity with a minor. He didn't go to prison (he says) but he's on the register.

So wtf do I do now? I'm not in love, and am therefore capable of rational thought! I don't know if he's told me the whole truth, and how would I ever find out? And even if I could, the fact I don't trust what he's said probably isn't a good sign is it? I feel the fact he knew she was 15 before he met her, and did it anyway, makes a huge difference. He says he was very depressed in his marriage and sounds like he was in self destruct mode. I feel horrible for ending it over this because it's obviously something he hugely regrets and is desperate to move on from, but I just don't know if it's something I can live with. I have nieces and friends with young girls, I want to believe he's a good person who made one incredibly stupid mistake but what if it turned out he wasn't?

So many unknowns. 3 weeks in, I should just get out shouldn't I? I think writing this out has almost answered my own question. But how do I tell him kindly? He's going to be absolutely gutted and I'm not good at dumping at the best of times. What a mess.

Initial reaction, no.

He's on the register, find out why, go,to police station and ask for help advice as you want to safeguard your DC.

Does he have unsupervised contact with his children. If so it must have been deemed that he is not at risk of harming them and they are not at risk.

There are a lot of ifs and buts, if he hadn't gone to prison it is low level, I'm not condoning or undermining but putting it into perspective.

People deserve a second chance sometimes.

I think you already know what you will do anyway.

Should you maybe drop into a police station and let them know what he's said and that he's online dating again. And targeting women with children? Save someone else this shock. The worst they can be is uninterested.

You should definitely do this as he is probably breaking the terms of his conviction. The Police do need to know and track his behaviour that's why he's on the register.

You don't know what he was actually on there for she could have been 15 or 5, girl or boy, one or many. Who knows you're certainly not going to get the truth from him.

Please please talk to the Police.

Police will be interested he may well be breaching his terms. Sexual activity usually refers to activities below the waist (to put it delicately). Unlikely to be a first offence either. Also likely to be lying about access to his kids (you knew him 3 weeks that's barely at all).

Perhaps as both a survivor and former CP worker I'm more wary than most but no adult stays over in my home with my dd present until I know them EXTREMELY well (I'm bi). For lots of reasons but this is one of them. And I wouldn't have anyone stay over that early into a relationship.

I wouldn't be interested in a relationship with someone who went into sex chat rooms then willingly met up with very young women while was married with children full stop.

Whether he knew she was under the age of consent or not is not really the point here.

Have reported Theresa's post.
Wish others would RTFT though.

Good move OP. Sorry you've been through this.

Even if he could prove that he genuinely thought she was sixteen I still wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.

Jeez. Glad I RTFT, good move OP.

I was going to come on and say that one of my DH's best friends is on the sex offenders registry in the United States, but I would definitely recommend him to someone.

Unfortunately when he was in his third year of uni in the United States (so 20/21) he met a freshmen girl who was 17. Age of consent in the state he was in was 18. Father found out his good Christian daughter was having sex and charged my DH's friend with statutory rape. It was upheld because there was 4 years difference between them and he did 2 months in prison and was put on the registry. (All this confirmed by him, my DH, his parents and other friends, so unless he's someone managed to hide the details from everyone he isn't lying). And he is a really sweet guy.

The guy you met is a creep and you're well rid of him.

Fatty - how could your friend live in that particular state for at least three years and not know what the age of consent was ? He must have been the only senior in the country who didn't know this .

Also I'm not sure how plausible I find his story. AFAIK there are only three states which have an age of consent of 18 and consider a breach of this to be statutory rape . And you say it was a civil case and not a criminal one ? Very odd .

Just because everyone ( his mum and his mates ) says that he didn't do it doesn't mean it's true. You will recall that a well known footballer who admitted that he raped a woman still had his GF , family and fans say that he was wrongly convicted .

I'd be very suspicious and unhappy if you recommended him to me. I'm sure he's very sweet .

I had a relationship with a convicted rapist for four years. I didn't know about it at the time and only found out through a random conversation several years after we split up. I was not at all surprised when I heard, it had been four years of cruelty, abuse and violence. He was an exceptionally charming man in public.

Lucky escape, OP.

Where did I say it was civil? You can't go to prison for a civil charge?

I'm sure he probably did know, but she was only 4 years younger then him (my DH is 4 years younger then me) and they were both in Uni. I suspect he never thought something like that would ever happen. Lord knows I know lots of people who were 18 and dating someone 15, or even 19 and dating someone 15. It was pretty common where I grew up.

He's been with a girl the same age now for ages, and she seems fine with it.

You said that the father charged him with statutory rape . Not the state .

I'm not saying it's not common to date someone four years younger . I'm saying that his story is odd because most states where the age of consent is 18 need a more than 4 year gap to convict of statutory rape . And you said he was 20 or 21 dating a 17yo .

And it's not usually statutory rape, it's things like carnal knowledge of a minor, child molestation, corruption of a minor, sexual misconduct or unlawful carnal knowledge .

And most freshmen are 18 not 17

I'm not doubting that you are saying what you believe is true . I'm just saying that there are quite a few holes in his story and I wouldn't be happy if he was dating my daughter. That's all .

Remember that men lie about rape all the time. They say they didn't do it when they did it . So I'm always very suspicious .

How can you trust anything he says or does? If he has groomed someone else, there is every chance that his current behaviour has 'groomed' you to some extent.

I think you know the answer to this already and I hope you meet someone lovely, it sounds like you deserve it xx

I think if he didn't know it would be a bit different (not drastically and would you even believe it if he said he didn't know?). But he knew she was 15 and continued anyway and it only stopped because he was caught, we don't know how much further it might have gone. I'd walk away while it's easy for you to do so.

Run for the hills.

Seriously. Unless you are happy to deal with everything that will come with the relationship - social work involvement for a start.

Plus I seriously doubt that you have been told the full story. How long is he on the register for?

Father brought it to the police. Police charged him.

I was a 17 year old freshmen, I knew quite a few others. We'd either skipped grades or our birthdays fell during the freshmen year. Back in the 80's the date you started school was different in each state, so some started kindergarden at the age of 4, others at 5, which means you would complete grade 12 at 17 or 18. My son will actually be starting uni at age 17 as well due to age cut off dates and when he started (he's the youngest in his class).

In the particular state he was in, although they don't call in statutory rape (that's me using the more common phrase) they do have a class one misdeamenour that deals with someone over the age of 18 having sex with someone 15, 16, or 17. It's punishable with up to a year in prison and a $2500 fine. My DH's friend got 2 months.

Sorry that will teach me to read the full thread!!

As per previous posters, please please report this to the Police.

When I was a teenager my parents met this guy through work, he seemed nice enough and they all became great mates. One of their staff said that this guy ( who had up until then lived on the other side of the country) was a convicted sex offender. Everybody assumed it was idle gossip, after all, how would this person know about somebodies criminal record and what they had been charged with? in the 80s/90s there was no sex offender register. Eventually this man admitted that when he was 17 he had been in love with a girl who was 15. They got pregnant, her dad freaked out and reported him and he was prosecuted for sex with a minor. My incredibly gullible parents believed him , hook line and sinker.

He got married to one of their female friends. At 14 I babysat for her children an awful lot. One night he took me home, parked up in the middle of nowhere after he had plied me with alcohol and cannabis and next thing I know he was half naked and my head was being forced into his lap. It got much worse in the following months. My life spun out of control big time and I turned to drugs and drink. Eventually one day my mum was singing his praises and saying how good he was with my baby sister and I lost my shit. I told her he was a dirty kiddy fiddling perve and shouldn't be allowed around any kids. She didn't believe me, my recent bad behaviour showed I was unrreliable and attanetion seeking. Plus, to admit I was right would be to admit she had bad judgement and allowed a paedo into her kids lives. They stopped talking and I didn't see them for a long time. Fast forward 15 years and I found out that the guy had just been prosecuted for horrific sex offenses against his daughter, step-daughter and son . 2 of those were BEFORE he had met my family, one was the girl I had babysat for. I carry terrible amounts of guilt, had I done something, gone to the police etc, I could have spared that sweet little kid all the grief and trauma.

So yeah, run for the fucking hills. Stay as far away from this person as you can. They not only minimise their crimes, they destroy lives and they never, ever change. You do not want this poison in your life. Its more damaging that cancer.

My dd had a child at 15 with an 18 year old lad who had a number of relationships with underage girls. He is the bane of our life and my gs is forced to see him eow and longs for the day he too is free of him. You simply do not know what has happened here other than what he is reluctantly telling you because you forced him to. There will, I assure you, be another strongly competing version of events.

In addition to my gs's dad's sex offending (and he has never had a conviction) he is also prone to extreme violence and was convicted of gbh around three years ago but his offending has gone on since he was 14 and he is now in his thirties. Leopards don't change their spots and this man has an interest in under-age girls.

FP239
Don't blame yourself. Are you OK now?

well done op

he was probably testing to see how you reacted to it

KindDogsTail I will always blame myself, it may not be rational but I will. She suffered horrific life changing abuse for 11 years. Her view of the world is irrevocably distorted as it started so young. I am incredibly lucky (!?) that I was older when it happened. And I am (mostly) fine these days. I am Bipolar ( so is she) and have PTSD as a result. I don't sleep properly and the doctors think my autoimmune illnesses were triggered by long term stress but after a lot of counselling I am at peace with it all. I don't even hate him. I feel absolutely nothing. And I still talk to my mother too. I have a very happy, fulfilling life with a wonderful husband and family. I know I am in a much, much better place than a great many people that are subject to that kind of thing.

I did, unknowingly. Only found out because we had talked about our respective kids/ divorces etc and he mentioned his children still had his surname. Didn't mean anything til I visited his house and saw a school certificate of his son's which had a different surname to the one he had told me. Googled that combination of names and bingo - all the newspaper reports etc came up. I was nearly sick when I read them.

He was incredibly charming, made himself indispensable, seemingly empathetic etc. Oh, and of course it wasn't his fault - it was an ex who downloaded the child abuse videos onto his computer! Of course!

I ended up getting a harassment warning against him. I occasionally look for him on Twitter and imagine letting all his followers know he's not the nice religious guy he claims to be.

OP be prepared for this man to turn up and try to pursuade you to be with him

for everyone who has suffered such awful abuse :(

I don't know why anyone would want to be with a fully grown man who was sexually attracted to teenage girls :(