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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being too demanding? (DH thinks I should find someone else then)

88 replies

MorningBird23 · 13/04/2016 22:35

DH gets so sensitive when I point out things I don't like, for example his mouth breathing or that his nails need cutting. He never says anything to me, claims he takes me the way I am. But He won't change anything for me, tells me when I say something it's like I'm 'disgusted' by him. Today he said maybe I should find someone else if I can't take him the way he is (he said he'd cut his nails on Sunday, yesterday he pulled a sickie just because, spent all day at home, didn't do it and got upset with me today for pointing it out)

Now, to give you a bit of perspective, I think I put tons of effort into how I look etc. I love him to bits, he is the most caring and supportive person in the world, he is a wonderful person and I can't imagine my life without him (known each other for 10 years, married for 5), but I can't even say things - wtf?? Maybe he does deserve to be happy with someone who doesn't nag him...

Maybe he does deserve better.

Oh, and we don't have kids and I am 10 years younger than him.

OP posts:

Original poster

MorningBird23 · 13/04/2016 22:43

He often resorts to this emotional blackmail when he thinks it gets too much for him but he doesn't mean it. Today I have thought what if he is right

OP posts:

AbbeyBartlet · 13/04/2016 22:45

He presumably can't help the way he breathes!

How would you feel if the situation was reversed? If he was on at you about how you breathed or whether you did your nails, presumably you would feel bad? And if he spoke to you like he was disgusted by you?

If someone was picking at me like you are picking at him, I would suggest they found someone else too!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 13/04/2016 22:45

You don't like his mouth breathing??

Unless his nails are long scratchy talons I think you need to leave him be. It's criticism.

peggyundercrackers · 13/04/2016 22:46

No one should change for anyone else, if you or they cannot accept you as you are then your with the wrong person. I can't believe any adult would argue with someone about cutting nails or mouth breathing - without knowing any details I would think you are being unreasonable because people need to breath through their mouth and they can have their nails long if they want to.

AbbeyBartlet · 13/04/2016 22:48

How is it emotional blackmail?

You have a go at him ('like you are disgusted') and he suggests you find someone else. Are you this shallow in other parts of your life, or just your relationship with him?

TheDuchessOfArbroathsHat · 13/04/2016 22:48

Find someone else - perhaps someone who will appreciate your particular brand of tactless straight talking. Poor sod - he must feel terrible

MsMommie · 13/04/2016 22:49

Wow.... Leave him alone.
5 years. Is this recent or have you been treating him like that the whole 5 years??

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 13/04/2016 22:50

I mouth breathe sometimes. I try not too but I can't help it. I've even had physio for it but it made no difference.

I'd also be pretty annoyed if someone not only pointed out that my nails need to be cut but berated me when I didn't do it at the time that they thought I should,

Leave him be.

AbbeyBartlet · 13/04/2016 22:50

perhaps you are too good for him, OP? that's sarcasm although you are probably too vain to get it

0phelia · 13/04/2016 22:51

You come across quite critical, and coupled with a man who is sensitive.
If I ever got to the point where I couldn't stand my DH's "mouth breathing" I would be thinking there's probably something more seriously wrong.

PurpleDaisies · 13/04/2016 22:55

Maybe he does deserve to be happy with someone who doesn't nag him...

You could be that person, you just need to start picking your battles. Do you seriously think he can change the way he breathes? If he really is as wonderful wonderful as you say he is you need to give him a break before you drive him away. Aren't you upset he thinks you're disgusted by him?

Leigh1980 · 13/04/2016 22:56

You could have mysophonia OP. I have it and can't cope hearing people breathe at all. I can't stand it literally.

WicksEnd · 13/04/2016 22:56

Are you his mother or his wife?

TurnOffTheTv · 13/04/2016 22:58

So he was off sick and you complained he didn't cut his nails as he was home all day?
Good god you sound like hard work

Original poster

MorningBird23 · 13/04/2016 23:00

PurpleDaisies, no. I don't want him to change the way he breathes. But I want to be able to tell him if I don't like something. Instead I am all neurotic about it and guilt ridden.

Seriously, guys, am I that unusual? What about tons of other posts online, some on MN, where women talk about their DPs' irritating habits?

OP posts:

AbbeyBartlet · 13/04/2016 23:00

If a man accused a woman of being 'sensitive' and spoke to her like he was disgusted with her, people would rightly call him abusive and a nasty piece of work.

Why would you possibly think it reasonable to speak to him like that?

HE should leave YOU and find someone who is less critical of his very existence.

PurpleDaisies · 13/04/2016 23:02

Seriously, guys, am I that unusual? What about tons of other posts online, some on MN, where women talk about their DPs' irritating habits?

It's one thing blowing off steam on an anonymous forum. It's quite another constantly needling your dh so he feels like you're disgusted by him. Doesn't that make you feel a bit bad?

Original poster

MorningBird23 · 13/04/2016 23:02

He wasn't sick. He just didn't feel like going to work. And in the evening he felt like drinking a bottle of wine (while I was in the gym)

He says there's too much on his plate (being made redundant in a few months time, is trying to look for a new job).

OP posts:

AbbeyBartlet · 13/04/2016 23:03

And it's his reaction to the criticism that makes it unpleasant. You aren't just venting about his bad habits, you are making him feel bad for breathing, literally! What exactly do you expect him to do?

Original poster

MorningBird23 · 13/04/2016 23:03

It makes me feel very bad, and I am tired of this feeling

OP posts:

AbbeyBartlet · 13/04/2016 23:04

He is being made redundant? Oh then it's totally reasonable to chip away at his self esteem, I'm sure that will help him no end.

Original poster

MorningBird23 · 13/04/2016 23:05

Now he's just had the most of a bottle of wine again and even though I want to apologise I know it's a bit too late now (literally)

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 13/04/2016 23:07

You need to start picking your battles. Some things are worth bringing up, some really aren't. You'll kill your relationship of you don't cut your dh some slack.

AbbeyBartlet · 13/04/2016 23:09

I'm not surprised. He's sensitive so gets upset when you criticise him (but you do so anyway), he's facing being made redundant and you are having a go at him for breathing (literally)?

If you genuinely can't see what is wrong with your behaviour, then I despair.

Cookingongas · 13/04/2016 23:09

Every "annoying husband " thread I bemoan dh snoring, ocd, and ridiculously loud breathing ( to the point where I'm deaf in one ear and won't wear my hearing aid at home because i can hear him breathe- When we met I didn't have an aid and hadn't realised how quiet my deaf world was / how loud his breathing is!)

I would never dream of saying this to him, it would hurt me to hurt his feelings particularly over something he can't help!

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