Am I being too demanding? (DH thinks I should find someone else then)

[MorningBird23]

DH gets so sensitive when I point out things I don't like, for example his mouth breathing or that his nails need cutting. He never says anything to me, claims he takes me the way I am. But He won't change anything for me, tells me when I say something it's like I'm 'disgusted' by him. Today he said maybe I should find someone else if I can't take him the way he is (he said he'd cut his nails on Sunday, yesterday he pulled a sickie just because, spent all day at home, didn't do it and got upset with me today for pointing it out)

Now, to give you a bit of perspective, I think I put tons of effort into how I look etc. I love him to bits, he is the most caring and supportive person in the world, he is a wonderful person and I can't imagine my life without him (known each other for 10 years, married for 5), but I can't even say things - wtf?? Maybe he does deserve to be happy with someone who doesn't nag him...

Maybe he does deserve better.

Oh, and we don't have kids and I am 10 years younger than him.

Repost this on another day OP, you'll get entirely different responses.
Can't believe a pp is saying you have driven him to drink - next you'll have driven him to giving you a slap! Which would be equally nonsensical.

AllPizzas, otherwise what do I do if I don't say? Take off and just leave? Without explanation too?

It makes me feel very bad, and I am tired of this feeling

Imagine for a moment how your constant criticism makes him feel!

Also, have a look at loads of threads on this board in particular and see how supportive they are. Compare that to the reaction you are getting and have a good hard think as to why it is different!

AllPizzas, otherwise what do I do if I don't say? Take off and just leave? Without explanation too?

Maybe accept you are wrong and being irritated by small things, in the way someone who has fallen out of love can, and be kind to both of you and move on!

You're picking on a couple of things and one of those is something that he probably can't change - the mouth breathing. The nails can be dealt with - have you tried coming at him with the nail clippers and offering a manicure, for example? I can't stand long nails on a man - makes me feel a bit ill - but it's hardly a crime!

The mouth breathing could be an indication of a medical issue - have you looked into that at all? It could be that you're picking at him without researching any options. You sound dissatisfied in general so instead of moaning about him, try doing something positive. He needs your reassurance right now if he's facing redundancy - that's horrible by all accounts and he'll already feel like shit. Please don't add to that unless you really don't love him.

If you don't love him then do him a favour and set him free to meet someone who does.

Has the audacity to breathe and wantonly neglect nail care in contravention of rule 102.54b sub section 3. The Fiend.

OP you have a choice. Continue to make yourself and your other half miserable by nagging over things he cant or won't change. Hey you only live once!

Or change... change your attitude or change your living arrangements. These grievances are just symptoms of a bigger problem imo. No one should have arguments over when nails should be cut imo. Life's too short.

I love my husband but when I am awoken by us both facing into each other with him 'kah' every breath, I feel like divorce or murder would be justified. So I try to turn him onto his other side. Then I turn onto my other side. Then he'll turn back towards me and put his arms around me and pin me down. So I give him a back-kick.
I can't stand being disturbed in my already disturbed sleep. If you wake me up, expect to get a kick.

OP, do you mean you leave the room because you can't stand to him breathe?

Oh and telling him smoking is bad for him...I think you'll find he knows.

You don't sound well suited.

*hear

So you want to be able to tell him all the things you don't like about him?
And how would you like him to respond, especially to the things (like mouth breathing) over which he has no control?
Do you want him to be grateful for your opinions, to smile pleasantly? What is the purpose of your unkind comments? It sounds like it is about making you feel better without any thought for how it makes your DH feel.

Repost this on another day OP, you'll get entirely different responses.

That because different posters with different opinions will respond.

I know people tend to think k MN is a hive mind but you'll find that every poster has a different view of every thread.

So yes. You can post the same thread twice and get different responses from different people. I'm glad you pointed that out to the OP.

Well, it depends whether the OP is 'nagging' on things that are just a difference of opinion, or pointing out things that are generally considered unhygienic/ scruffy/ antisocial. The nails could be either, I'm not sure what mouth breathing actually is though.

My DH repeatedly told Me about some areas of poor hygiene I had when we first met, I rallied against his bossiness, but once I'd followed his advice I realised that actually he was right and other people had probably thought me unkempt for years

If it is just matters of opinion though OP I would urge you to try and mentally relinquish control of his actions, and as a pp suggested look at your general stress levels.

Why is he 'pulling a sickie' though?!

Dh has habits that irritate the shit out of me. I am not so up myself to believe I don't irritate him sometimes.

The difference is I love him enough to see past the pointing out every plane that goes over head and telling me what model of plane it is. I don't care what plane is flying overhead.

I accept him for who he is and he accepts me. I accept that whoever I lived with, would have habits which grated.

I would never want dh to feel shit because I picked at him all the time. You don't want to see what you are doing is wrong and the fact that you are accusing him of emotional blackmail suggests that you are emotionally abusing him.

If he posted I would suggest leaving or playing you at your own game. So point out everything about you that is annoying, everything he wants to change about you.

And honestly. He took one day off sick. He is getting made redundant. Sometimes we need a break and with the OP on at him all the time, I am not surprised he would. Don't know why pps have their knickers twisted about that one.

OP, how would you view it if a man had posted here about how unreasonable his wife was for not doing her nails and makeup the way he told her to?

Do you ever compliment him? The best way to deliver criticism is the shit sandwich, after all...

Also, from what you have said here, it sounds like you mother him with your chiding; I can imagine that's deeply unsexy for both of you. If I were you I'd have a think about a total change of attitude, or leaving.

Hm. Going to come to the OP's defence a bit. He does sound rather undisciplined, for want of a better word - pulling a sickie 'just because' (WTF?), smoking, excessive drinking, neglect of personal hygiene. I wouldn't be happy with dh, nor with myself, for that kind of behaviour.

nice, no one falls for a shit sandwich, do they?

I can't understand the issue pulling a sickie for someone whose post has (already?) been made redundant. I'd be asking for gardening leave. If the post is "gone" there's no need to have the person hanging around.

I love my husband very much - but being a human he does annoying things (he chops vegetables interminably slowly, he snores... Felicity including the 'kah' thing which drives me to distraction, he doesn't spot things that need tidying in the same way that I do, he gets up before me for work, but always wakes me getting dressed (while trying to be quiet, bless him)) - but I love him, so I treat him with kindness, because that's how I'd like to be treated myself.

He is heroically caring, clever and hilarious - and those thing matter so much more than whether he knows that once in a while it's a good idea to dust the top of the door frames.

There have been times I've nagged him, but in the main I bite my tongue, not because I don't feel like I can challenge his little habits, but because I don't want to. Why would I want to make him feel uncomfortable being himself in his own house?

So his nails need cutting?
So do mine and I'll get round to it eventually.
I hate cutting and filing my nails. I'm not good at it and usually just wait for the inevitable break.

Could you maybe tackle it differently?
DH, your nails need a bit of tidying up. Shall I do them for you while we have some quite time together?

My OH eyebrows needs sorting out at times and I just get the scissors and tweezers and get on with it for him.

No idea what you can do about breathing though

"But WHY do you want to be able to tell him if you don't expect him to stop?"

Quite. You just want the option to tell him when he is annoying you without feeling bad about it. Why?

Do you tell him what you love about him as well OP? Genuine question. I think that just pointing out what you don't like could be slowly chipping away at his self esteem.

If he's being made redundant, he probably feels vulnerable at the moment. He won't be in the right frame of mind to take your comments well.

If I'm honest, I do find it strange that you're pointing out his flaws to him. I can't imagine doing that to DH and would be so hurt if he did it to me. It just sounds a little... Petty?

My Dp smokes. I'd rather he didn't but I don't say anything to him because he's a grown man and can make his own decisions. You do sound like a bit of a nag.

I hate mouth breathing

Good job you never met me when I had serious sinus problems then - serious enough to need surgery. It was mouth breathe or die. And I still do it occasionally because after years - and I do mean years - of problem sinuses that still aren't working 100% I'm in the habit of breathing like that.