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Original poster

Am I being too demanding? (DH thinks I should find someone else then)

88 replies

MorningBird23 · 13/04/2016 22:35

DH gets so sensitive when I point out things I don't like, for example his mouth breathing or that his nails need cutting. He never says anything to me, claims he takes me the way I am. But He won't change anything for me, tells me when I say something it's like I'm 'disgusted' by him. Today he said maybe I should find someone else if I can't take him the way he is (he said he'd cut his nails on Sunday, yesterday he pulled a sickie just because, spent all day at home, didn't do it and got upset with me today for pointing it out)

Now, to give you a bit of perspective, I think I put tons of effort into how I look etc. I love him to bits, he is the most caring and supportive person in the world, he is a wonderful person and I can't imagine my life without him (known each other for 10 years, married for 5), but I can't even say things - wtf?? Maybe he does deserve to be happy with someone who doesn't nag him...

Maybe he does deserve better.

Oh, and we don't have kids and I am 10 years younger than him.

OP posts:
Therealyellowwiggle · 13/04/2016 23:11

Pulling a sickie is unacceptable.
Some men (and women) have levels of personal grooming that are unacceptable to their partners.
Should you have to have an intimate relationship with someone who doesn't clean their teeth, or wash regularly? I had a bf who didn't cut his nails, I was always thinking I'd be scratched by them or the dirt underneath would transfer to me. So, not much sex.

Therealyellowwiggle · 13/04/2016 23:12

He is drinking too much.

MsMommie · 13/04/2016 23:14

So you're all prim and proper and look nice and go to the gym.
He's stressed about losing his job in the not so distant future and would rather relax with some wine and mope around for a bit.
Try supporting him and saying something nice and uplifting.
Sorry OP but you come across as very selfish, YOU don't like feeling like that?? You think he does.
You just sound like a bitch.

Original poster
MorningBird23 · 13/04/2016 23:15

I found this thread a while ago, sorry OP for dragging it up, but clearly the woman here IS trying to 'change' her DH??

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1053606-Can-mouth-breathing-really-ruin-my-marriage?pg=2

OP posts:
AbbeyBartlet · 13/04/2016 23:16

Nobody says you have to stay with someone who is dirty but the OP just said she wanted him to cut his nails - she doesn't say they are dirty or his hygiene in general is bad.

And I would probably start drinking if my partner was having a go at me for breathing

Original poster
MorningBird23 · 13/04/2016 23:18

Just what IS wrong about telling him his nails need cutting... Or that smoking nearly a pack a day is bad for him... not to mention the smell puts me off (I quit a few years ago)

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 13/04/2016 23:19

Mouth breathing is a really difficult habit to break. You might have to just live with that one.

Lack of nail cutting is a bit lazy and skanky. How long are they? I certainly wouldn't let overlong nails anywhere near my delicate bits.

Skiving off work when not ill is just wrong.

Just because you put tons of effort into your appearance doesn't mean he has to. Lots of people relax when settled into long term relationships but there is a difference between relaxing and being disgustingly and revoltingly neglectful of normal physical hygiene etc.

It's difficult to tell from your post whether you are being over critical or whether he is a lazy self-neglectful slob.

You are a lot younger than him and you have no children. It would be a shame to assume that you have to settle for a future where you are physically repulsed by your partner. You may be growing away from him except you say very warm things about your feelings for him.

ouryve · 13/04/2016 23:19

Oh, FGS leave him. You'll do him a favour.

LogicalThinking · 13/04/2016 23:21

Poor bloke - he clearly doesn't live up to your expectations. It's not possible for anyone to live up to your expectations because you expect him to change to suit your whim. If it irritates you, he has to change it. Of course he doesn't think he's good enough for you.
I have never told my DH that I am disgusted by him - I would be devastated if he said that to me.

Ringsender2 · 13/04/2016 23:22

I hate mouth breathing. And I do say it to DH sometimes. And the hideous toenails.

How much these things bother me depends quite a lot on how uptight I'm feeling in general - internal as opposed to external issues.

How are you feeling in general? Stressed at work? Pmt? I find these things massively affect how much I can accept "annoying" things in my immediate environment (annoying to me that is).

The other side of the equation is how robust or sensitive he is feeling. He's had a tough time and is feeling raw.

We've had a v similar dynamic but have also had exactly the same issues raised in a jokey way and jokily accepted.

Imho you're not being U to feel icky about these things. But you are being a bit U not to step back and start being less sensitive to mouth breathing and more sensitive to your DH's vulnerability.

Go and give him a cuddle.

AbbeyBartlet · 13/04/2016 23:23

Because he is probably aware that smoking is bad for him - sounds like he is under a lot of stress right now and whilst smoking and drinking aren't the best ways of dealing with it, just having a go at him about everything is hardly going to help!

You should be supporting him right now - not ripping into his self esteem.

MsMommie · 13/04/2016 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LogicalThinking · 13/04/2016 23:23

So smoking was ok when you smoked, but now you have given up, it's bad for him and now you don't like the smell.

He's a grown man - you shouldn't be telling him to cut his nails!

gamerchick · 13/04/2016 23:25

Do you give him a kind word or 2 along with your criticising OP? Dudes obviously stressed, about to lose his job and you're picking at him.

I'm not convinced I'm seeing real things here though.

MyKingdomForBrie · 13/04/2016 23:26

You didn't ask if you were BU for being annoyed by his habits, you asked if you were being too demanding.

The answer to that has so far been that most think you are being by pointing out the things you don't like and demanding he do something about them. You chose to go to the gym (most tedious occupation I can imagine) and spend 'tons' of time on your appearance (not in itself an admirable thing I wouldn't say) but why should he have to do the same?

He sounds stressed and down and you're putting the boot in. So yes, YABU.

Original poster
MorningBird23 · 13/04/2016 23:27

Yes I am being pmt this week. And again, I don't want him to change mouth breathing immediately but I want to be able to say it (how many times do I have to repeat this, to him and now here).

No I would never tell him something is disgusting. It's HIS word. HE feels like I am disgusted by him when I point things out. I am not. I just want to be able to ask him to cut his nails without an Everest of guilt on my shoulders.

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 13/04/2016 23:28

"Just what IS wrong about telling him his nails need cutting... Or that smoking nearly a pack a day is bad for him."

Because it's demeaning, you're not just pointing things out, you're pointing things out that as a functioning adult he's completely aware of himself and capable of deciding whether to do or not as he wishes.

He doesn't need to be told those things, the only reason to do so is to hassle him into doing what you want when you want him to instead of letting him make his own decisions and they're both things that are completely personal choices.

Seeyounearertime · 13/04/2016 23:30

I always do d it really interesting in these threads.
"I really love him loads and can't imagine my life without him" yadda yadda yadda.

"Buuuuuut I don't love him quite enough to not ng at him about small things that may be a little gross but are hardly criminal..... No no, I love him just enough to nag endlessly and then moan when he moans I'm nagging so that I can nag him for moaning about my nagging. Yup, love him just enough for that."

TheNaze73 · 13/04/2016 23:31

With the constant harassment, no wonder he's turned to drink. Did he "breathe" when you first got together? As for the smoking, I do get that, which is why I could never be with a smoker. I take it he's only taken up smoking recently?

GarlicShake · 13/04/2016 23:33

Erm, MorningBird, I drank too much while I was living with an abusive twat and getting shit at work. There was no escape.

You are abusive. You're relating to this human being the way you might relate to a handbag you bought and you don't like the way the catches work. He deserves the care and support that you say he gives to you.

PurpleDaisies · 13/04/2016 23:33

I just want to be able to ask him to cut his nails without an Everest of guilt on my shoulders.

If this were the only thing you were nagging him about I doubt you'd be getting the guilt trip. How would you feel if he were constantly telling you to pluck your eyebrows/change the way you walk/wash your hair/whatever?

Original poster
MorningBird23 · 13/04/2016 23:46

TheNaze73, he's smoked all his life, don't make a complete devil out of me Smile same for drinking

OP posts:
lorelei9here · 13/04/2016 23:53

You sound horrible
I'd hate mouth breathing too I expect but I'd never say it

Re nails, be honest "need" cutting means what? Were they just past his fingertips or something?

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 13/04/2016 23:54

I don't want him to change mouth breathing immediately but I want to be able to say it (how many times do I have to repeat this, to him and now here).

But WHY do you want to be able to tell him if you don't expect him to stop?

GabiSolis · 13/04/2016 23:57

I have a friend who talks to her DH the way you are describing OP and it's very hard when she's telling me and others, clearly looking for reassurance that she is in the right. I do believe that she will eventually push him away with her constant nagging and criticising. It's sad because she just wants to be happy but has no concept of how miserable she is making herself. She thinks it's all him.

Big picture here OP, this is really minor stuff. This is a case of pick your battles and these are not ones I would pick.