Am I being too demanding? (DH thinks I should find someone else then)

[MorningBird23]

DH gets so sensitive when I point out things I don't like, for example his mouth breathing or that his nails need cutting. He never says anything to me, claims he takes me the way I am. But He won't change anything for me, tells me when I say something it's like I'm 'disgusted' by him. Today he said maybe I should find someone else if I can't take him the way he is (he said he'd cut his nails on Sunday, yesterday he pulled a sickie just because, spent all day at home, didn't do it and got upset with me today for pointing it out)

Now, to give you a bit of perspective, I think I put tons of effort into how I look etc. I love him to bits, he is the most caring and supportive person in the world, he is a wonderful person and I can't imagine my life without him (known each other for 10 years, married for 5), but I can't even say things - wtf?? Maybe he does deserve to be happy with someone who doesn't nag him...

Maybe he does deserve better.

Oh, and we don't have kids and I am 10 years younger than him.

Suggest you grow up o/p. You criticise, condemn and make out its all his fault. He drinks a whole bottle of wine while you're at the gym which suggests he's really not feeling the love is he? People drink to blot things out sometimes. And nasty, hurtful remarks can stay with a person forever.

This sort of constant nit-picking is the sort of very low level emotional abuse that grinds a person down over time. The fact he's expressed that you make him feel 'disgusting' is so very sad.

Everyone has things they don't like about their OH. Everyone.

The key is to realise:

• It's not the correct balance in a relationship that you get to say out loud everything that you don't like irrespective of how it makes the other person feel (it seems you think this is a reasonable thing, it isn't)

• Yes, you can very tactfully and very carefully mention the occasional thing...and occasional is key

• You should focus more on the things you like and love about your partner instead of small things which don't really matter

• Maybe try focusing on the fact that having a loving, trustworthy life partner is more important than nails being cut

My DP needs to trim his nose hair, shower more often, cut his nails more often and trim his beard more often IMO however I only occasionally mention anything to him and in a very tactful and gentle or playful way. I love him and consequently would never, ever want to say anything that makes him feel bad about himself just so that I could get it off my chest!

My ex was like that Stumbly, he always had something to have a go at me about. It chipped away at my self esteem until I became a completely different person.

(how many times do I have to repeat this, to him and now here).

I think I just felt a little bit of what your DH feels when you speak to him.

Urgh!

I think you need to get things in perpsective: skiving off work, polishing off bottles of wine at a time - these are issues.

The way he breathes is not.

I understand the nail cutting thing but tbh you need say that one very tactfully.

I think this is one of those six of one, half a dozen of the other situations.

On your side:

• stop moaning about the little things. He's a grown man and he can cut his nails if and when he chooses.
• he can't help how he breathes, so why do you feel the need to keep telling him how annoying it is.
• you knew he smoked when you got together, so I don't think you have the right to moan about it now.

On his side:

• a bottle of wine a night is a LOT and isn't good if he's doing it on a regular basis.
• he's a grown man and shouldn't be pulling sickies just because he doesn't want to go to work.

Maybe if you stopped nagging him about the little things, he might listen to you on the big things, rather than feeling like all you do is complain? The drinking/smoking isn't ideal, but if he feels as though you're complaining about every little thing, he's probably tuning you out.

my DP smokes, he knows I'm not keen on it but I wont stop him. like pp said hes a grown man it's up to him what he does. he also leaves his clothes everywhere, leaves the cardboard from the loo roll till there's about 10 in there, he leaves his food on hiss plate next to the bin, but that's my DP and I wouldn't change him for that and I wouldn't nag at him as he's only in the house for less than quarter of the day and he doesn't need me nagging.

I'm sorry but if he's lost his job and you're going on at him cause you don't like the way he keeps himself clean or breaths or snores or whatever, no wonder he says go find someone else. I'd expect it from my DP too.

I think you've probably got the message by down, but yeah. Just because he's your partner doesn't mean you can talk to him disrespectfully. Before you criticise, think; would I say this to a friend? Would i tell them their nails are too long and they should cut them? You really need to cut him some slack but at least he is standing up for himself.

You do speak as if you think you're too good for him though.

I know you say women write on here about what our OH's do to irritate us, but that's just it, we write it on here to vent not to nag our partners. My DP does things that enrage me sometimes, (constant leg jiggling, it doesn't sound annoying but it really is!) but he's a grown man and I'm sure there's stuff I do that's annoying although I can't think of anything

The point being is, my nails need cutting, I haven't brushed my hair today, I kept sniffing in bed last night because my nose was blocked..etc. If my DP kept pointing this out id be offended. People are annoying, and unless it's damaging his health leave him be or it will drive him off.

You can usually learn to love annoying habits by the way if you really really try. Not mouth breathing though I admit

I work in a job where im on my feet all day, so my feet get really rough, my missus is not much of a feet person, and she hates it, but she doesnt moan about it, she just gets out ger electric feet sander thing and does my feet, and once she is done, i do her feet for her! Also, she loves squeezing spots, i hate spots being squeezed, but i let her do it

But, haveacupoftea my friend's nails won't be going anywhere near my sensitive bits, unlike my partner's. I'm sure a lot of relationships flounder on personal hygiene and grooming issues, even if that isn't acknowledged - e.g. they lead to less sex, which leads to less happiness and maybe breaking up.
I still think a man about to lose his job, drinking too much and lying to his employers would get short shrift on many threads on here!

OP you sound like a nagging fishwife! Get off his case or you will push him away.

You look after your appearance and go to the gym? Good for you but, clearly, your OH has no interest in this don't blame him, the gym is the pits and you shouldn't be trying to push it on him.

My OH has many habits that piss me off.......he 'chams' when he eats, he puts his dirty clothes anywhere but the washing basket, he will use every available item in the kitchen when cooking a meal, he gets a new toilet roll out and puts it on the cistern instead of on the holder but, you know what?, I have enough respect for him to know that, for every thing he does wrong, he does 10 things right so I don't sweat the small stuff.

I also know that there are things that probably piss him off about me but never says like......I smoke, he gave up a month ago. Not once has he said anything about it and he will still stand out in the garden when I go for a fag, just to chat.
I'm fat, have no interest in exercise, yet when I moan about being fat he just says 'no you're not, don't say that'.....when I have a day off I sometimes achieve absolutely nothing, no washing, no cleaning, literally nothing but he won't moan when he gets home from his 12 hour shift.

I guess what I'm saying is you need to accept the 'traits' if you love him but it sounds like you don't really like him very much

You are being very hurtful.

imagine if he was doing this to you and you posted on here. The overwhelming response would be to LTB

he is already going through a difficult time and you add to it be criticising him for breathing. He didn't throw a sickie just becsuse. he threw a sickie because he is feeling low.

Try supporting him rather than criticising!

YOU will turn him into exactly what you don't like if you carry on this way