DP telling other women they are beautiful

[Kapere]

Not mine, but a friend without a mumsnet account. On here to canvas opinion.

Situation is they have been together a few years, both mid 30s, both successful individuals in their fields. Not married, no kids. Both happy in the relationship, but she has been burnt before and is very sensitive to tell tale signs.

Her DP works in a big organisation and went out with his usual colleagues. A new group is introduced, amongst which is a younger woman. Her DP doesn't proposition the young woman, but is extremely complementary and openly discussed with colleagues what he would do to her.

I have told friend this is harmless banter amongst colleagues, bravado etc. She thinks this is part 1 of the script of a cheater.

Thoughts?

And before anyone asks, lots of alcohol was involved, but everyone went to their respective homes.

Don't you sound just lovely

Btw referring to women as "a female" is crap.

I would like to know exactly what he said.

OP you have shown that you think women are sex objects because you say your friend's DP's comments are "Almost like when you talk about your favourite male icons etc and what you would love them to do to you".

Your friend's DP talks about what he would "do to [a woman]" and you talk about what your would "love to have [a man] do to you".

So the woman in both cases is the person who has something "done" to her.

Yuck.

If people believe their DH is above this kind of behaviour (and hopefully most are), it's still likely that they will have witnessed it at some point in their life, and very unlikely that you will have witnessed it in their presence.

Can anyone ask their DH's perspective on this? I'm curious to know what other men have experienced.

craZycatdad are you trying to say all men do this?

Do you?

No, that's not what I'm trying to say, which you can tell by virtue of the fact that it's unequivocally not what I said.

No, I don't behave this way, but I have witnessed it many times and as a younger man I played along and didn't challenge it.

This is not an issue that should be minimised in any way. I do however feel that it is not nearly so unusual or far from the norm as some posters seem to think - I doubt there would be many men who would find this behaviour completely alien (ie. they will likely have witnessed it at the least).

So you have done it, then.

Lots of people do things that are not acceptable but that is not the issue. The issue is the OP's change of reaction - that is what people are trying to understand.

I used to work in a very male dominated environment. I can well imagine the Neanderthal type having that discussion- the same types that referred to me as the uptight butch when I had the naked calendars etc removed from the shop floor.

I'm happy to bitch about XH at any opportunity, but no he would never have spoken about anyone in such an objectifying way and nor would his friends as they are decent human beings.

OPs friends partner is a sexist arse and OP you need to rethink your attitude to such behaviour. It's not ok.

I think your friend is right. He said she was a good dp - so he's happy with her and no plans to leave, however he's not only thinking in detail how he'd like to shag this other woman, he's even describing it to his colleagues. It's definitely a red flag for a potential cheater. Not to mention just how disrespectful it is to his dp (and the woman concerned) to have shared the details of his imaginary shag with his colleagues - gross

I think you're minimising now because you regret telling her. But you don't get to decide what she thinks about it, she's entitled to have her own conclusions about it. Stick to the facts of 'I heard him say x, I saw him do y'. Don't tell her hw to feel about it or how bad you think it is, it's irrelevant and insensitive to her feelings.

As far as I can tell, the OP's response was moderated by the more extreme reaction of her 'friend' as OP didn't agree that this behaviour indicated the guy was likely to cheat, and to that extent OP is correct.

However OP's story seems like a load of semi-coherent nonsense to me, which is why it's not the part that I find interesting.

I asked my husband, he just looked disgusted. I know a few 20 yr olds who may have done it back in the day, but they were arses. I still 100% guarantee that it isn't my husband...nor my male friends.

I believe you witsender. I too no longer know anyone who would behave like this. I was definitely a 20yo arse.

I worked in an environment where all the guys were important and all the women were secretarial or worked in the restaurant - this was back in the 80s
I heard and saw this crap all the time. I did the same job as the guys so I was initially hit on, then talked about (especially by the guys I rejected) then eventually, when I became one of the team, they did it in front of me.

IME it was the younger guys trying to be outrageous and impress each other.

The married guys, the senior staff were different. Amongst them, ones who still did it were either the guys that endlessly hit on junior staff and were like your embarrassing uncle trying to hang out with the younger men. Or they were the serial shaggers.
Either way they were all sad cases.

I think the OP is the man in question.

No woman in her right mind would come out with this kind of claptrap

The difference is that you're never going to meet a celebrity but a work colleague you see most days.

I don't think anyone is saying this behaviour is 'alien' uncommon or abnormal... What they are saying is that it is wrong. That it is deeply deeply sad and frightening for society that it is common or normal for men to behave this way.

I also don't think that 'we need a man's perspective on this' is the most helpful way to frame responses. Part of the issue here, surely, is how many women are involuntarily aware of 'a man's perspective' on the sexual 'possibilities' of their female colleagues. Trying to see whether it's fine if we ask men if surely missing the point...

I used to work in an all male environment. I think there was ten guys and me. A few single and a few had long term girlfriends.

I think maybe 8/10 of them tried it on with me at one point. Including ones with long term girlfriends. The way they used to talk about other women in the office and other women in general was disgusting.

They literally obsessed over certain body parts of some women but would vile about their faces or whatever else about them didn't come up to scratch.
If I ever said anything then I was jealous etc etc

If I ever dared to talk about a man in the same way (to see what the reaction would be) they were absolutely horrified and were offended and annoyed. Because they knew if women picked them apart like they did to us then maybe they wouldn't be perfect either.

It was a very depressing atmosphere to work in.

And if they ever had any sexual dealings with any of the women in the office they would tell EVERYONE the details.

There was one woman who had very large breasts that they all obsessed over. When one of them slept with her he basically talked about her like she was a freak afterwards. Awful.