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Original poster

DP telling other women they are beautiful

119 replies

Kapere · 08/04/2016 20:53

Not mine, but a friend without a mumsnet account. On here to canvas opinion.

Situation is they have been together a few years, both mid 30s, both successful individuals in their fields. Not married, no kids. Both happy in the relationship, but she has been burnt before and is very sensitive to tell tale signs.

Her DP works in a big organisation and went out with his usual colleagues. A new group is introduced, amongst which is a younger woman. Her DP doesn't proposition the young woman, but is extremely complementary and openly discussed with colleagues what he would do to her.

I have told friend this is harmless banter amongst colleagues, bravado etc. She thinks this is part 1 of the script of a cheater.

Thoughts?

And before anyone asks, lots of alcohol was involved, but everyone went to their respective homes.

OP posts:
Eminado · 09/04/2016 19:18

Now I am thinking well, it wasn't such a big deal and she needs to get some perspective on this.

I don't understand what has changed in your mind?
Can't you see that it IS a big deal?

HamaTime · 09/04/2016 19:30

Similar tosser in my workplace when I was in my early 20's. It was hideous. I was the subject of 'what he would like to do to me' at a works night out (I was in a different team and not there) and had to suffer the fallout and the 'it's just banter' bollocks. I didn't go to HR and then a few months later on another night out he sexually assaulted a year in industry student. I ended up quitting and telling HR on my last day.

It's not harmless, it's not even close. I reckon I'm down around £250K due to my change of career path without any of the shudder factor.

witsender · 09/04/2016 19:41

So your reaction was "how awful" yet when you tell her, his partner and she also reacts the same way (multiplied a few times as she is actually in a relationship with him) you think she is over-reacting and needs to get perspective? That makes no sense. Unless you think misogynist 'banter' is not an issue?

Original poster
Kapere · 09/04/2016 20:11

I think some people are missing the point.

The point I am trying to make is that to him, it is harmless. Saying what he did does not impact at all on their relationship or means he is going to cheat etc.

I am trying to articulate to friend that although his behaviour was not appropriate, from his perspective, it is just something he feels he has to do to fit in etc. It does not mean he is going to start mistreating her or the beginning of any cheaters script.

I am sure there are many women on this board who would kick off and claim their DPs would never behave in such a way, but have they witnessed their partners amongst colleagues in bravado environments? Probably not.

Personally, I did feel it was awful upon hearing, as most women probably would. But when I reflected on how it may be from his perspective, my opinion changed.

OP posts:
witsender · 09/04/2016 20:16

I can hand on heart say my husband wouldn't. I wouldn't have married him otherwise as he would be a sexist, base twat. It isn't harmless, it speaks volumes about how he views women...not literally but societally.

What kind of men do you have in your life that you think this is normal or acceptable?!

Whether or not he would sleep with that women isn't the problem, I wouldn't want to sleep with someone that disrespectful of women and me, or who was so desperate to fit in he would do it just to be 'one of the lads'.

I think it is you that is missing the point tbh.

EarthboundMisfit · 09/04/2016 20:16

He sounds absolutely vile.

Twinklestein · 09/04/2016 20:17

It massively impacts on the fact that he's a twat.

Twinklestein · 09/04/2016 20:19

^That was reply to: Saying what he did does not impact at all on their relationship or means he is going to cheat etc

Herewegoagainfolks · 09/04/2016 20:28

Kapere - I don't think it means he'll cheat.

I think it means he has little respect for women. That's not harmless.

Hearing about it will impact how much respect she has for him.

With respect to my own DH - he's not a sheep or pathetic enough to need that kind of "in with the crowd" validation.

Theoriginalfashionista · 09/04/2016 20:37

I frequently go on nights out with male colleagues of all ages and can honestly say I've never heard any comments like these.

No, not all men are such pigs.

Original poster
Kapere · 09/04/2016 20:37

Well we can agree to disagree

I see this behaviour from men in the workplace 99% of the time. Men in the workplace can be sheep, especially when they are looking to 'play the game' and are so ambitious they will do such things to fit in with their bosses/colleagues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kapere · 09/04/2016 20:39

PP, you wouldn't hear though, would you? They would be very unlikely to do it in front of you as a female.

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 09/04/2016 20:42

I don't know any men in my workplace who would talk like that about someone else, quite so openly!

Floggingmolly · 09/04/2016 20:43

I see this behaviour from men in the workplace 99% of the time

You wouldn't hear though, would you? they would be very unlikely to do it in front of you as a female

So, you are actually a man, and; far from telling your partner about your shitty behaviour - she somehow managed to rumble you.
Am I right?

Floggingmolly · 09/04/2016 20:44

You and your mates are a disgrace, btw.

Sn0tnose · 09/04/2016 20:47

I don't think it's your friend who needs to get some perspective on this. And I think it's you who is missing the point.

You're probably right in thinking that he believes it's harmless banter. But he's quite clearly a massive twat who thinks it's acceptable to talk about someone like that, so I think most of us would agree that his opinion is not necessarily a good barometer of what's acceptable. And if you genuinely don't believe that his attitude isn't going to impact on their relationship, then I don't know what else to say to you.

To the OP's friend, listen to your instincts. This is not an acceptable way to behave, whether he's single or in a relationship. Don't let your 'friend' minimise this. At best, he's so weak he's willing to disrespect you and the woman in question to 'fit in' (although I note the OP doesn't mention that his colleagues were saying anything similar). At worst, he's a vile misogynist.

Eminado · 09/04/2016 21:42

Kapere, are you the one who did this and has been found out?

MorrisZapp · 09/04/2016 21:50

What a load of pish.

HamaTime · 09/04/2016 23:03

What everyone else just said. His alleged belief that it is 'harmless banter' is not proof that it doesn't impact on her. It's proof that he is a misogynous bastard and she should run a mile.

Lots of men don't do this. Some do, but that doesn't mean that people (women) are obliged to be in sexual/intimate relationships with them as if it's in the boundaries of acceptable behaviour and they are being massively precious to say 'actually, I don't want to have sex with areshole'.

Also, what sort of grown up wants to be in a relationship with someone who is awful just to fit in with other awful people?

It's like those twats who go to strip clubs and say 'but it's not cheating' as if that's the point rather than the fact that they think it's totes fine to regard another human as a wank toy.

MuttonCadet · 10/04/2016 07:17

I used to work with my DH, and I did see him out with colleagues (although what the fuck a bravado environment is, is beyond me), and I can assure you that he is not a sexist twat, or we wouldn't have got together on the first place.

You do seem to be minimising this, do you think being married to a sexist twat is better than being single - because it's not.

DropYourSword · 10/04/2016 07:22

it is just something he feels he has to do to fit in

He's a weak little worm then. I don't think for a second what he said means he will automatically cheat. But it does really makes him quite a pathetic person. If he feels he has to say shit like this to 'fit in' he wouldn't be enough of a man for me!

Caprinihahahaha · 10/04/2016 07:37

oh OP, people are not missing the point.
They are repeatedly pointing out that your 'point' is wavering around a bit and is essentially a huge pile of bollocks.

The guy is a douche. Or he has no moral code of his own and says stuff he doesn't believe to fit in with his mates. And you are a staggeringly crap friend. And you seem incapeable of forming a view about whether behaviour is sleazy and terrible or absoloutely normal and benign without sitting down and having a really long think. I imagine your lips move while you do so.

coldcanary · 10/04/2016 08:09

Kapere I get what you're trying to say (although the harmless banter comment in your OP did sound as if it were coming from you not him) and it sounds as if you started to worry that you were the one that over reacted after you told your friend? Now you're bending over so far backwards to see both sides of it you're going to break something if you're not careful Grin
Your initial concern was right - you've been shown that here. None of us would want to be around a man who talks about doing sexual things to a woman or speaks like that about them to other colleagues!

ScoutandAtticus · 10/04/2016 08:14

Did you just happen to be in the same place by chance of do you work in the same company? I can't quite understand how you were close enough to hear bit weren't sure it was him.

What exactly did he say? You must know as you deemed it important enough to tell your friend.

Offred · 10/04/2016 08:17

It does not mean he is going to start mistreating her

Except he already has mistreated her. He has completely disrespected her (and another woman) in front of other people that he works with...

If he thinks this way of speaking about women is harmless then he is going to further mistreat her at some point. Him not getting that this is a damaging way to think of, speak about and treat women makes it worse not better...

You are missing the point...

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