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Original poster

DP telling other women they are beautiful

119 replies

Kapere · 08/04/2016 20:53

Not mine, but a friend without a mumsnet account. On here to canvas opinion.

Situation is they have been together a few years, both mid 30s, both successful individuals in their fields. Not married, no kids. Both happy in the relationship, but she has been burnt before and is very sensitive to tell tale signs.

Her DP works in a big organisation and went out with his usual colleagues. A new group is introduced, amongst which is a younger woman. Her DP doesn't proposition the young woman, but is extremely complementary and openly discussed with colleagues what he would do to her.

I have told friend this is harmless banter amongst colleagues, bravado etc. She thinks this is part 1 of the script of a cheater.

Thoughts?

And before anyone asks, lots of alcohol was involved, but everyone went to their respective homes.

OP posts:
Paddletonio · 08/04/2016 21:17

There's no way he's an "absolute gentleman". He sounds an utter knob. I would dump for this personally. True colours shown and he's a sexist laddy twat.

Original poster
Kapere · 08/04/2016 21:19

Yes, told her because at the time it happened I did think, wow, this guy has no self control. I found his admiration to be too obvious.

However, after telling her and on reflection, it doesn't seem so bad,

I probably over reacted telling her.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 08/04/2016 21:23

How did you manage to hear so much when you weren't part of the group and he didn't even see you? You say he wouldn't recognise you because you've only met once; how did you recognise him? are you stalking him?

FaFoutis · 08/04/2016 21:25

Don't normalise that kind of behaviour. You did not overreact, although I think you reacted to the wrong bit.

ArmfulOfRoses · 08/04/2016 21:30

She's a bit sensitive to stuff like her partner talking about what he'd do to a woman standing a few feet away?
That's not being sensitive op.
Seriously.

TheNaze73 · 08/04/2016 21:59

She's being overly sensitive. What's her real issue?

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 08/04/2016 21:59

Could just have been a throw away drunken comment, but could be a window to his soul. That's not to say he would cheat but I'm not convinced that deep down he's any more a "gentleman" than the bog standard, nice but very slightly mysoginistic, bloke once you scratch the surface.

Branleuse · 08/04/2016 22:07

youre being really weird OP. Why would you even start this thread if you dont think its anything to worry about

Eminado · 08/04/2016 22:10

Almost like when you talk about your favourite male icons etc and what you would love them to do to you.

Eh?

Err no.
No thanks.

HappyGirlNow · 08/04/2016 22:30

What did he say he would do to her???

Confused
HeddaGarbled · 08/04/2016 22:37

And how hideous for this poor young woman to think she is working with decent professional colleagues while they are openly making sexually aggressive comments about her.

Your subject title is disingenuous. Commenting that a colleague is beautiful is miles away from saying "what he would do to her" to a bunch of men whom she also works with.

Go on, tell us what he said he would do to her. Makes a difference, doesn't it?

wasabipeanut · 08/04/2016 22:37

I'd be heading for the door. If your friend thinks this is going to escalate she already has a bad feeling about him which is highly likely to be correct.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 08/04/2016 22:43

How did you hear? What did he say he would like to 'do to her'?
Why did you tell his partner if you didn't think it was that bad?
Why did you start a thread?
Why are you so surprised that she is upset about it?
This all seems very disingenuous and odd.

Is this a reverse?

Caprinihahahaha · 08/04/2016 22:48

Why did you tell her if you thought it was harmless banter?

How can you go from thinking it meant he was a sleaze and telling her, to thinking she's over sensitive and defending him, in a short period of time?
if you initially judged it dodgy and sleazy why are you surprised that she thinks so?

Do you not like her very much?

I used to work with older men who talked about me when I walked away. I always knew they were doing it. They were always skanks and inevitably took any opportunity to hit on me.

Lovelydiscusfish · 08/04/2016 23:32

What is the "what he would do to her?" . Not asking you to tell us in (potentially) graphic detail, but:

If it is "were I single, I would ask her out on a date" then I guess it is fine.

If he was verbally describing, in a public forum, sexual acts he would like to "do to her" then it is very patently obviously very not fine. And if this is the case then he is disgusting, firstly to discuss women in this way full stop, and secondly to disrespect the fact that he has a partner in this way,

Hope your friend is ok.

Offred · 09/04/2016 00:31

Well, if this was a works night out it could be considered to be sexual harassment...

It is massively creepy especially when juxtaposed with him apparently being 'an absolute gentleman'...

Agree your boundaries are really weird if you would tolerate being so publicly humiliated and disrespected by your partner - cool GF much?

I would think the best advice to your friend is trust her instincts and dump him but also how you would feel if your dp did this is totally irrelevant. Being a good friend means helping your friend to police her boundaries not pushing for her to take on yours...

Floggingmolly · 09/04/2016 00:37

It all sounds extremely odd Hmm. Op, is it your partner that you either chanced upon yourself or were told about, behaving that way?
It really does sound like you're desperately trying to justify the behaviour for your own peace of mind, but know you can't really.

AvaCrowder · 09/04/2016 00:48

He sounds grim.

wheresthebeach · 09/04/2016 00:56

Agree with Caprin that it makes no sense that you told her and now think she's over reacting?

Kinda odd OP. There's the world of difference between complimenting someone's appearance and graphically discussing sex acts that's you want to do to a woman.

She should trust her instincts.

Offred · 09/04/2016 01:06

Well for a start anyone who thinks sex acts are something you do to someone is a wrongun....

ScaredOffMyBoss · 09/04/2016 01:12

A compliment is fine. The graphic sexual imagery of what "he would do to her" is outrageous!

I would never dream of saying that about someone and if my DP did about other women I'd feel really upset

bbpp · 09/04/2016 01:17

What Flogging said, how do you know what was said? He didn't even see you?

And you're rather critical of your friend 'over sensitive' and quick to compliment the partner 'quite a gentlemen', seemed random to throw in, you've only met him once.

The title is quite dismissive of what actually happened, too. Can't say I relate to the 'male icon' comment either.

If I didn't know better I'd think you're a little bit closer to this story than you're letting on. But to answer the question, he sounds awful.

QuiteIrregular · 09/04/2016 08:50

Agreeing with others who say that a) this is not OK and not just what people say to each other and b) having an affair is not the only possible harm here. Undermining a female colleague by encouraging others to see her as a sex object rather than a human being, contributing to an atmosphere in which sex is something men 'do to' women, propping up a system of male solidarity which excludes women by talking in ways which obviously shut them out of 'the banter', hiding aggression towards women as 'just a joke', etc etc. Not that I'm saying the man in this case is deliberately doing all those things, but 'he might cheat' isn't what I thought reading this post, and it doesn't strike me as the major problem with what the guy said...

coldcanary · 09/04/2016 09:04

We need to ban the word Banter - it used to mean harmless joking between people that stopped well before anything got offensive. Now it apparently means a person saying whatever they want and excusing it as 'banter' to get out of having to admit what they said might have actually been offensive. OP you even use the phrase Over Sensitive..
Saying this colleague was beautiful is just about OK in my book but that whole 'what he'd do to her' crap is creepy. Would you really want to spend a large part of your day at work with someone who thought it would be a good idea to say that out loud? Especially while with other colleagues?
Creepy arsed bastard.

crazycatdad · 09/04/2016 09:05

I hate to say it but this is typical misogynistic 'lad' behaviour. This literally happens everywhere, all the time, when groups of men in any remotely competitive environment think they are out of earshot of women, even more so when drink is involved. It's a pathetic attempt to 'fit in', like a kind of peer pressure, but it really just highlights how massively insecure the perpetrators are.

Men who have matured, have self esteem and are comfortable in their own skin will drop this kind of twattery.

But no, it doesn't mean the guy is likely to cheat, he may even be a nice guy except that he hasn't yet outgrown the 'laddish' need to try to score social points in this way.