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Original poster

DP telling other women they are beautiful

119 replies

Kapere · 08/04/2016 20:53

Not mine, but a friend without a mumsnet account. On here to canvas opinion.

Situation is they have been together a few years, both mid 30s, both successful individuals in their fields. Not married, no kids. Both happy in the relationship, but she has been burnt before and is very sensitive to tell tale signs.

Her DP works in a big organisation and went out with his usual colleagues. A new group is introduced, amongst which is a younger woman. Her DP doesn't proposition the young woman, but is extremely complementary and openly discussed with colleagues what he would do to her.

I have told friend this is harmless banter amongst colleagues, bravado etc. She thinks this is part 1 of the script of a cheater.

Thoughts?

And before anyone asks, lots of alcohol was involved, but everyone went to their respective homes.

OP posts:
HappenstanceMarmite · 09/04/2016 10:09

I think the OP is the perp

HolgerDanske · 09/04/2016 10:14

Hmm yeah so you really think that's ok and just harmless banter. Wow.

So many men are just hopeless, insecure, immature fourteen year olds inside, aren't they?!

Idiots.

BastardGoDarkly · 09/04/2016 10:14

This is most odd Hmm

crazycatdad · 09/04/2016 10:20

So many men are just hopeless, insecure, immature fourteen year olds inside, aren't they?!

Yep. They're never really given much motivation to mature beyond this.

AyeAmarok · 09/04/2016 10:21

He sounds like a creep with absolutely zero respect for women; his DP, this young colleague, and all women generally.

You have a very warped view if you think this is in any way 'harmless banter'.

"what he'd do to her", disgusting.

HolgerDanske · 09/04/2016 10:21

Hmm no, I expect they just can't be bothered to, because it's not required of them and because people excuse their idiocy as just harmless banter.

pieceofpurplesky · 09/04/2016 10:29

But she's not a celebrity she's a person he works with. He sounds disgusting - and to be fair you and your friends don't sound particularly pleasant discussing what you want people to 'do to you'.
Ew.

witsender · 09/04/2016 10:43

Yuck. That isn't banter and speaks volumes about who he is and how he views women.

crazycatdad · 09/04/2016 10:52

Hmm no, I expect they just can't be bothered to, because it's not required of them and because people excuse their idiocy as just harmless banter.

Right. So requiring it of them and not excusing it is the motivation I was talking about.

Men are harmed by patriarchy, as well as women, and we're no more to blame for that until we become wise to it.

HolgerDanske · 09/04/2016 11:17

It is not women's responsibility to make men wise up to the fact that they are in fact being idiots. I won't be held to ransom for something that men themselves need to sort out. I'm not going to mother the whole of the male population - men can do the work to sort it, thank you very much.

I understand that I may have misinterpreted your initial comment, but I resent the implication that it's women's responsibility to police the way men choose to view women and how they choose to conduct themselves. I also take issue with the 'patriarchy harms men as well as women' angle as an argument for male involvement in feminism as although I agree in principle, I resent the implication that the main reason men should care is that it harms men, when in fact the harm to men is secondary and the harm to women should be a strong enough motivation in itself.

But that's probably a discussion for another day Smile

Back the OP, this is creepy, nasty and disrespectful behaviour and is not acceptable.

Greta28 · 09/04/2016 11:25

I just cant imagine ANY of my colleagues tell me I'm beautiful. How wrong and inappropriate. And I'm young/work in the city and all thay.

For that man to say what he would DO to thay colleague is absoltely appalling on so many levels. That poor girl must feel like a piece of meat. Banter?!?! Wtaf. What's wrong with you? Are you working for a respectable company or some kind of brothel? I'm serious, because I can't imagine this behaviour in a normal company/environment

Greta28 · 09/04/2016 11:26

*that

Piemernator · 09/04/2016 11:35

It's shit quite frankly and I worked in a very male dominated environment for many years. There was the very odd so and so on the TV is gorgeous wouldn't kick her out for farting comment. Many of these men were academics btw so hardly knuckle daggers. But nothing like that at all.

Did they temper their behaviour round me, I have no idea.

Theoriginalfashionista · 09/04/2016 11:37

I wouldn't be worried about a boyfriend talking about a colleague in this way because he might cheat. I would be worried as he sounds like a complete unprofessional, sexist pig!

crazycatdad · 09/04/2016 11:47

I didn't say that women should take responsibility for tutoring men in not being misogynists. I believe everyone needs to take that on board and confront it. If this were just a 'man problem' then only men would be ignorant of the effects of patriarchy, and that's clearly not the case. Men are a product of their upbringing and environment, and women have a role to play in changing that for the better, just as both men and women should be involved in teaching their daughters to have self respect and to assert themselves.

I don't think the fact that patriarchy harms men as well as women carries any implication that that is the main reason men should care, in fact I find that argument a bit disingenuous. In the current status quo, men don't give a damn about the harm patriarchy might be doing to them as they're still the ones with all the power and control. So why would that harm be the reason they would take an interest in feminism?

You could also argue that the harm to men caused by patriarchy is what ultimately causes all the harm to women, and that solving the issues that patriarchy causes women necessarily means solving the issues that patriarchy causes men?

HolgerDanske · 09/04/2016 11:57

Oh ok well as long as you weren't saying that, I'm fine. Just sounded like it from the motivation comment, that's all.

The rest of it, as I've said, is a discussion for another day and I am not going to start it on this thread.

To get back to the OP, it's creepy, nasty and disrespectful and I agree with the poster(s) who said the issue of cheating is immaterial here.

BaronessBomburst · 09/04/2016 12:45

It's rude, disrespectful and he's a mysogonist pig.
You don't DO things to people and woman are not sex objects to be leered over.

ScaredOffMyBoss · 09/04/2016 14:11

But describing what he would "do to her" goes beyond paying a compliment because he's got as far as imagining himself having sexual contact with her and he's openly fantasising about that in public and humiliating his partner in the process. It's incomparable to talking about an "icon" as presumably the person involved would never have an opportunity to act on their fantasies.

YounicorneNumbers · 09/04/2016 14:27

I would love to know exactly what was said that he would like to do TO her.

I used to drink in a local pub and the men in there were positively Neanderthal (most of the women too), I overheard one of them telling another one that he would "smash that" about me. I bet his wife would have liked that and not thought he was a sleazy fucker. Hmm

Original poster
Kapere · 09/04/2016 17:19

For those wondering what the DP said he would 'do', it was along the lines of 'bedroom acrobatics'..

Not saying it is right, but I do agree with the PPs who have said this is actually rather common in some work environments. When I said 'harmless banter', I meant it in the sense that lots of guys do this for bravado etc reasons and half the time they don't really mean it. They just want to fit in. Sad, but true. Again, not saying it is right.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 09/04/2016 17:22

If you thought it was so harmless, why did you immediately run to your friend to give her chapter and verse? Did you really envisage having a girly giggle about it together?
You sound really weird.

Caprinihahahaha · 09/04/2016 17:23

Again, not really explaining why you were concerned enough to tell her.
Or why it was initially a problem and then suddenly banter.

lem73 · 09/04/2016 17:29

I think that kind of talk is incredibly common in the workplace, especially in alpha male type environments. It doesn't make it ok and just proves we have a long way to go.
I remember having dinner with dh. There was a group of men at the next table who worked for a well known IT company (dh knew a couple). While dh was in the toilet I heard them pissing themselves laughing about how a female VP had been wearing a transparent blouse while addressing a large gathering and they could all see her bra. They were all in their 30s not 13 ffs. I told dh and he said that's pretty commonplace 'banter'.Angry
It is shit behaviour and demeaning to women but not a sure sign of a cheater.

Original poster
Kapere · 09/04/2016 17:30

My initial reaction was how awful. I was 99% sure it was him (have only met him once).

I mentioned it to friend but first asked if her DP works at XXX etc. Conversation obviously developed and I mentioned what I saw and heard. Friend explodes. Now I am thinking well, it wasn't such a big deal and she needs to get some perspective on this.

Was I wrong to mention it to her, yes. I didn't think about the consequences.

OP posts:
Caprinihahahaha · 09/04/2016 17:53

Hmm, you told her when you were thinking 'how awful' .

And you really didn't think about the consequences?

You have upset her enormously with what you thought was a report of awful behaviour by her DH and now you don't even support her while she is upset.

With friends like you...

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