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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP searching for me online. Hi there.

114 replies

WalkingBlind · 03/04/2016 02:56

So basically I've had issues from the start with DP and the Internet. He once checked my FB messages and swore he'd never break my trust again (found nothing, I'm pretty boring). He then sent me an anonymous Tumblr message (think it asked me if I'd cheated?).

He signed up to a chat room I was using to check up on me and didn't let me know it was him. But I knew. I'm quite perceptive so I tried saying things to wind him up and see if it would get him to storm upstairs and confess/have a go, no such luck. He's still never mentioned it.

Now I know he's been reading all my MN posts. (So hello there Mr "of course I trust you"). Hmm He's definitely reading this. Clearly searched for someone that sounds like me in the threads. I don't have anything to hide so I'm identifiable. But obviously we mostly expect to stay anonymous here.

I only know because he isn't as sly as he thinks and brings up things I've only ever said on here. I have vented about him which I didn't think would bite me in the ass but it's nothing I wouldn't say to his face anyway (I've brought up most things with him long before posting for advice when I'm upset).

So MN'ers.... I feel a bit violated privacy-wise, especially considering I'd show him if he asked and that he's pretended he's not doing precisely what he's doing. In my eyes he hasn't brought it up on purpose so that he can continue to use it to check up on me? Why not just speak to me Angry

This is so dysfunctional. Would this be a dealbreaker for anyone? Do any of you feel we share too much here sometimes? What would you do if your DP was reading your posts? (Clearly I'm not bothered about him knowing I've posted this Grin)

OP posts:
PhoenixReisling · 03/04/2016 11:20

It doesn't matter that he is insecure....this has crossed so many boundaries.

He's done it before and will do it again. He may even step up this monitoring.....spyware etc.

Savagebeauty · 03/04/2016 11:26

My ex found me on here when we were divorcing and read that he was a bully and EA. He went mental.

aLeafFalls · 03/04/2016 11:26

My ex was, genuinely, insecure. So in his mind that justified all the spying and distrust.

It's no excuse. It's a horrible way to treat someone.

Original poster
WalkingBlind · 03/04/2016 11:33

I think he's more likely to get upset about himself than be angry after reading this, if that's any insight

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 03/04/2016 11:37

Really don't think you should be playing out your arguments online with an audience OP. It can only escalate an already difficult situation destructively.

I agree that stalking your partner online is wrong and intrusive. But the way you are handling it is likely to make things worse.

You are also both only a few weeks into caring for a new baby. No doubt hormones and sleep are all over the shop and both of you thinking less clearly than usual.

Can you sit your DP down and have a talk with him, offline, about what is going on and how you are feeling about it? This online spectator sport might be entertaining for strangers but in the long run it will not serve your relationship well.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 03/04/2016 11:41

I think this is more about giving him a massive jolt than actually playing out the whole argument.

After all, discussing it with him didn't seem to work last time.

Original poster
WalkingBlind · 03/04/2016 11:43

I see where you're coming from OhThe, I definitely intend to talk about it offline. But I really need him to see that it's not normal behaviour and we don't have any 3rd parties that can clarify this to him. I really do think he needed the kick up the arse of seeing how rational people feel about what he's doing. We won't continue the whole charade online though

OP posts:
Original poster
WalkingBlind · 03/04/2016 11:44

Shipwrecked Absolutely!

OP posts:
magoria · 03/04/2016 11:46

OP has been talking with him since the start of their relationship about this. She told him how she felt and he swore he would stop it.

There were no new baby hormones then.

With hind sight she should have left the second time she caught him doing this.

There have been no consequences why will he change now?

Original poster
WalkingBlind · 03/04/2016 11:50

Also the FB incident was messages from my past, so it wasn't even to check if I was being faithful, etc.... It was sheer nosiness Blush

OP posts:
Skiptonlass · 03/04/2016 11:51

Dh and I both know each other's phone lock codes for emergencies and general 'oh take a pic of the baby/the shopping list is in there' banal type stuff.

But... We both value our privacy very highly. I would never snoop and neither would he.

Your partner's behaviour is very worrying. He doesnt respect your right to privacy. He does not trust you. He sees your online persona as something he has the right to access and control. Which implies he thinks he has a right to control you generally.

Scary. Unattractive... I would not stay with a man who did this, op. Sorry.

notabee · 03/04/2016 11:54

Firstly, we are posting on an open forum and he's legally allowed and able to view your posts. I know we don't like to think of that but everything we post is then out there for all to see.
I think the bigger issue is why though. For me it wouldn't be ok, it would feel like an invasion of your privacy.
Is he not able to talk much in person?
Is he doing it to get to know you better?
Or is it part of a bigger picture of control?
You know he does it, he knows you know he does it. Can you ask him directly why? If you feel you can't then that's an even bigger issue.
Hope you're ok, it must be a horrible feeling.

Lemonblast · 03/04/2016 11:57

Don't walk away.
Run away.
And don't look back.
Seriously dysfunctional behaviour from him. Not dissimilar to my own Ex.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/04/2016 12:03

I strongly suspect my posts here are being read < waves> and it's a horrible feeling

Op I wish you luck. I think this sort of spying can turn into a sort of compulsion

JellyBeansHaveNoAgeLimit · 03/04/2016 12:05

I would definitely be wondering how else he is monitoring you tbh. Yes it's coming from insecurity but it's also incredibly controlling. What would he do if he found something he didn't like?

aLeafFalls · 03/04/2016 12:16

My ex read my old journals, some 14 years old. He wasn't being nosy, he was trying to catch me out and also gain some kind of ownership of my past.

Original poster
WalkingBlind · 03/04/2016 12:20

I haven't even got a lock on my phone and leave all my social media logged in. I'd never say anything online that I couldn't admit to but it's the fact he's intentionally searching for me. I mean to find me he must have came on here and read endless posts until he found a username that was saying situations that sounded like my own Confused If he was simply interested then while I was typing he could just say "what's happening on MN today then?" I don't know why it's all so underhanded.

notabee He doesn't talk much in person, I don't think it's too much about control but I don't really understand why he's doing it so maybe it is.

I do think it's likely became a compulsion because when I was in the chat room he created a new profile and didn't know I'd figured out it was him. He would log in to see if I was online and if I walked into the room he was in, in the house, he would quickly sign out.

OP posts:
Original poster
WalkingBlind · 03/04/2016 12:25

aLeaf Half the messages were from a long time ago to exboyfriends. I'd find that torture to read but maybe he was trying to catch me out somehow.

If he found something he didn't like he wouldn't even confront me. I was saying things that would warrant being brought up in person to try and coax him into an "aha! caught you" moment and he still hasn't mentioned it to this day. Like he's saving it as ammo or something? I just dunno. On here he will have read me calling him lazy or ignorant and he hasn't said a thing Hmm

OP posts:
mix56 · 03/04/2016 12:34

He wouldn't need to search for your posts or chat rooms if he has put spyware on your phone/computer

ExpandingRoundTheMiddle · 03/04/2016 12:53

He needs help. His behaviour is unacceptable and he's proved he won't change it on his own. That doesn't mean that you have to either accept his behaviour, be responsible for trying to help him or even stick around while he gets help and sorts himself out.
Sadly, until he's prepared to own his own shit, nothing will change for him and there's nothing you can do about that. You do have choices round your own actions though. What are you going to do for you OP?

Original poster
WalkingBlind · 03/04/2016 14:03

I'm not sure what's the right thing to do at the moment, I'm still at the stage where he hasn't seen this yet (No Internet access for a couple hours still) so I suppose I'll base things on his reaction. As of now I'm too upset to fix things any time soon, as well as having broken trust which would need built on. Currently on a break at the very least

OP posts:
ExpandingRoundTheMiddle · 03/04/2016 14:05

Thanks for you as you try to deal with this shit.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 03/04/2016 15:52

How do you know he's seen stuff when he never talks to you about it or mentions it?

Also, if you leave MN logged in and he looks on your phone, he wouldn't have to scroll through zillions of posts to find ones that sound like you, he would see your posts highlighted, no?

gamerchick · 03/04/2016 16:03

Does he open your mail as well? Nosy git Hmm

Personally I would think he's been up to no good online, sees how easy it is and thinks you are capable.

I agree with PP though, this shouldn't be played out online, you need a come to Jesus meeting with him.

Buzzardbird · 03/04/2016 16:13

IME, the only ones that feel the need to 'catch you out' are the ones that are cheating themselves.

Is that why you are doing it Mr?