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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP searching for me online. Hi there.

114 replies

WalkingBlind · 03/04/2016 02:56

So basically I've had issues from the start with DP and the Internet. He once checked my FB messages and swore he'd never break my trust again (found nothing, I'm pretty boring). He then sent me an anonymous Tumblr message (think it asked me if I'd cheated?).

He signed up to a chat room I was using to check up on me and didn't let me know it was him. But I knew. I'm quite perceptive so I tried saying things to wind him up and see if it would get him to storm upstairs and confess/have a go, no such luck. He's still never mentioned it.

Now I know he's been reading all my MN posts. (So hello there Mr "of course I trust you"). Hmm He's definitely reading this. Clearly searched for someone that sounds like me in the threads. I don't have anything to hide so I'm identifiable. But obviously we mostly expect to stay anonymous here.

I only know because he isn't as sly as he thinks and brings up things I've only ever said on here. I have vented about him which I didn't think would bite me in the ass but it's nothing I wouldn't say to his face anyway (I've brought up most things with him long before posting for advice when I'm upset).

So MN'ers.... I feel a bit violated privacy-wise, especially considering I'd show him if he asked and that he's pretended he's not doing precisely what he's doing. In my eyes he hasn't brought it up on purpose so that he can continue to use it to check up on me? Why not just speak to me Angry

This is so dysfunctional. Would this be a dealbreaker for anyone? Do any of you feel we share too much here sometimes? What would you do if your DP was reading your posts? (Clearly I'm not bothered about him knowing I've posted this Grin)

OP posts:
Realfootyfan · 03/04/2016 06:43

Filling, are you Walking Blind's dp?

Anyhow. It does seem OP that your dp is incredibly insecure. He needs to deal with this himself, not through stalking you. It would probably help him to have some individual counselling. It's not a couples counselling issue. He needs to understand what's making him do this, not just how it affects you.

I certainly would hate to be stalked like this. I don't even like people reading over my shoulder when I'm on mumsnet, let alone checking all my posts. It's the sneakiness of it really. I don't mind telling people stuff but that's different from being watched without my permission.

Op you also sound a bit isolated. Is there any way you can connect up with other mothers (ideally SAHMs so you've got someone who understands your particular situation and is around to hang out with).

Wishing you lots of luck Flowers

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 03/04/2016 06:54

Ohhhhh no, not a chance would I put up with this crap from DP, I'm afraid I'd lose all respect for him if he was snooping on me.

You need to have a frank conversation with him about why he feels the need to stalk you on the Internet instead of just asking you about stuff.

Do yu think you can ever rebuild the trust? What cell you do now?

I'm really Angry on your behalf!

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 03/04/2016 06:54

cell?! will!

WellErrr · 03/04/2016 07:02

Sorry this is happening to you Flowers

rainbowstardrops · 03/04/2016 07:10

Not ok at all. It's creepy and disrespectful.
If he carries on like this, he won't have anyone to snoop on.

Totalshambles · 03/04/2016 07:10

LTB

Multiple issues that would do it for me.

The first is the obvious breach of trust.

But that's then hugely compounded in my eyes but the spineless weedy pathetic refusal to confront it and talk to you about it.

Reading this, and knowing you know he is reading it (he can't be unsure about that!) and still staying silent....that is just so cringeworthily weasely that i just couldn't bear it.

Then also, reading your posts over a period of time, which though invasive might have at least prompted a change in behavior.
Spurred on a need to fix things. But no, no change. Just the continued spying. For what? Not even to see how you feel and try and make the relationship better?! For absolutely no reason other than some silly desire to get in your head just because he can find a place where you share your thoughts.

It's all just too revolting. Please just ditch. I know it's hard with kids but you can't really have this weasel around you any longer.

thewookieswife · 03/04/2016 07:26

Could it be that he's simply missing you, as maybe you spend more time on social media than you do in real life with him ? Try ditching the media ! You might find that's all it needs !! Wink

afussyphase · 03/04/2016 07:37

Way way way too controlling. Does he prevent you building strong friendships in real life? Has he played a role in you not being in touch with old friends?.

kittybiscuits · 03/04/2016 07:52

It's a complete invasion of your privacy. He's too stupid to see how trustworthy you are. IME it's usually the cheaters who can't trust other people and it's because they expect you to be as low as they are.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 03/04/2016 07:55

Could it be that he's simply missing you, as maybe you spend more time on social media than you do in real life with him ? Try ditching the media ! You might find that's all it needs !! wink

Are you actually serious?! So it's the OP'S fault she's being spied on, Shame on her for not being a more dutiful wife eh!

SanityClause · 03/04/2016 07:58

Perhaps your name should be "thestepfordwife", instead of "thewookieswife"? Wink

croon979 · 03/04/2016 08:00

Comments like that Whatthefreak frankly anger me and are seriously unhelpful.

For a simple example of how cyberstalking can escalate or become very scary/dangerous search for the recent thread of 'Spying on Whatsapp'. It made my blood run cold.

OP, you have done nothing wrong, I think you know that.

Kelandry · 03/04/2016 08:01

If I thought my dh was snooping on me, I'd start a thread about how to get away with murder, and watch him start looking at his cup of tea suspiciously and sleeping with one eye open.

wonkylampshade · 03/04/2016 08:03

I don't think it's a ridiculous suggestion that the OP spends a disproportionate amount of time chatting online to strangers I know I can be guilty of this on occasion, however the lengths he is going to in terms of hunting her out and creating false profiles to do so is really worrying.

It's not simply having a nose, it's beyond that and actually verging on sinister imo.

SausageSmuggler · 03/04/2016 08:12

Massively creepy.
Thewookieswife nice bit of victim blaming Hmm

DoreenLethal · 03/04/2016 08:18

Wonky - Who is to say what is disproportionate or not? Esp when you are also here posting as well?

OP - I am glad you have told him that you cannot be in a relationship like this.

And I am glad you are taking a break from the relationship. I hope that he either sorts it out or you decide that the line has been crossed. It seems that in the past, he just did it in different ways and that it is an obsession to know what you are getting up to - which is not in the slightest bit healthy IMO.

WellErrr · 03/04/2016 08:20

wookies are you the partner?

JellyBeansHaveNoAgeLimit · 03/04/2016 08:28

Sounds like he is v insecure. That's going to be very difficult to change, the temptation to spy will always be there I think. I think you definitely need to have a serious, open talk about this.

croon979 · 03/04/2016 08:32

Apologies Whatthefreak, I just blasted the wrong poster.

SanityClause · 03/04/2016 08:34

What, a different "serious, open talk" to the one they had before about the FB messages, JellyBeans?

He already knows that this is unacceptable.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 03/04/2016 08:37

No worries croon, I am in total agreement with you.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 03/04/2016 08:40

Ummm, I am not sure it's a deal breaker but it massively depends on what he does now

But given that this has happened before and he made all the right noises then... It seems to me unlikely he'll learn his lesson this time. So.....

Does he has any idea how insultingly invasive this is??

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 03/04/2016 08:42

I wondered that too wellerrr

Why else would wookies post such bollocks?

gunting · 03/04/2016 08:53

Ltb!!

DartmoorDoughnut · 03/04/2016 08:56

Another vote for the passive aggressive wookies being the 'D'P