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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP searching for me online. Hi there.

114 replies

WalkingBlind · 03/04/2016 02:56

So basically I've had issues from the start with DP and the Internet. He once checked my FB messages and swore he'd never break my trust again (found nothing, I'm pretty boring). He then sent me an anonymous Tumblr message (think it asked me if I'd cheated?).

He signed up to a chat room I was using to check up on me and didn't let me know it was him. But I knew. I'm quite perceptive so I tried saying things to wind him up and see if it would get him to storm upstairs and confess/have a go, no such luck. He's still never mentioned it.

Now I know he's been reading all my MN posts. (So hello there Mr "of course I trust you"). Hmm He's definitely reading this. Clearly searched for someone that sounds like me in the threads. I don't have anything to hide so I'm identifiable. But obviously we mostly expect to stay anonymous here.

I only know because he isn't as sly as he thinks and brings up things I've only ever said on here. I have vented about him which I didn't think would bite me in the ass but it's nothing I wouldn't say to his face anyway (I've brought up most things with him long before posting for advice when I'm upset).

So MN'ers.... I feel a bit violated privacy-wise, especially considering I'd show him if he asked and that he's pretended he's not doing precisely what he's doing. In my eyes he hasn't brought it up on purpose so that he can continue to use it to check up on me? Why not just speak to me Angry

This is so dysfunctional. Would this be a dealbreaker for anyone? Do any of you feel we share too much here sometimes? What would you do if your DP was reading your posts? (Clearly I'm not bothered about him knowing I've posted this Grin)

OP posts:
SmallCarrot · 03/04/2016 09:00

What a daft thing to do. It's not as if he can ever really know the real you by snooping at what you post online. Anyway, if he finds this thread he won't know you r real MN name will he?

BoGrainger · 03/04/2016 09:01

Yes, is he controlling about RL friends? Is the reason you don't have many/new friends down to him? I would seriously be freaked if I thought dp was reading my stuff on here, even if it wasn't about him. It just feels a violation.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 03/04/2016 09:02

I couldn't be doin with this. It's not that I want to keep secrets but I'm my own person and I have the right to have thoughts and feelings and to choose who I share them with. It's so intrusive what he is doing.

BoGrainger · 03/04/2016 09:04

Blimey filing, do you keep a spreadsheet or something?

haveacupoftea · 03/04/2016 09:04

Its not like youre part of a sex forum chatting to other men getting their rocks off on your discussion! Its mumsnet FFS Hmm

Get a life OP's DP!

Iamdobby63 · 03/04/2016 09:08

The deal breaker question is why is he doing this? If it's simply to insert himself into every aspect of the op's life in order for a sense of control then that's the deal breaker.

Or is there any reason he would be this insecure? Come on ladies, if we suspected something we would snoop.

So is it snooping or stalking?

ChubbyPolecat · 03/04/2016 09:13

I absolutely would not be in a relationship with someone this insecure. What a major turn off.

I'm not saying he is abusive but sometimes when you leave an abusive relationship the next one you find may be better than the one you left...it doesn't mean he's worth being with just because he's not as bad

HeffalumpHistory · 03/04/2016 09:23

Absolute deal breaker for me.

SanityClause · 03/04/2016 09:26

It's not that I want to keep secrets but I'm my own person and I have the right to have thoughts and feelings and to choose who I share them with.

I thought this deserved highlighting.

SmallBee · 03/04/2016 09:38

I think that apart from everything else wrong with your DP, it's pretty pathetic that he is stalking you online rather than sitting down and having a conversation with you like a grown up.

If Wookie is the DP, all I would say in response is that if that's the way you feel then USE YOUR WORDS. Its not up to the OP to guess what you want, she's already got two kids she has to do that for.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 03/04/2016 09:38

It's not that I want to keep secrets but I'm my own person and I have the right to have thoughts and feelings and to choose who I share them with

^^ this, totally.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 03/04/2016 09:39

My twat of an ex signed up to MN to dispute some of my concerns that I'd posted about him on here. He also did what your 'P' is now doing, and referenced posts regularly. It's one of the reasons I name change quite a lot, and I'm pretty sure he still does it.

It's a form of control, and of abuse. And it will escalate.

Don't stay with this person. He doesn't respect you, he doesn't care about you - he wants to control and be the focus of your ever aspect in life. And that's unhealthy.

RebootYourEngine · 03/04/2016 09:39

What an absolute arse OPs DP is.

I would say he is abusive. Just because you are in a relationship with someone doesnt mean you have to be involved in every aspect of their live.
Meaning that if the OP wants to come onto a forum and have a chat then she doesnt need to tell her DP what was said on the forum.

Whocansay · 03/04/2016 09:41

I think you can drop the 'd' from dp, OP. There's nothing 'dear' about this one. He's stalking you online with the sole purpose of trying to catch you out. He does not trust you.

Is it because he is actually cheating himself and so can't believe that you aren't too? Apparently, that is quite a common reaction from cheats.

ijustwannadance · 03/04/2016 09:47

I had a DP (pre fb/twitter/snapchat etc) who constantly accused me of cheating and trying to find evidence of such. I wasn't doing anything. He however, was shagging around and was looking for a way of weedling his way out of it by making me look like the bad guy.

I also think there is a massive difference between someone at the end of their tether in an abusive relationship checking a phone or emails as means to escape or collate evidence for divorce, and some weird stalker who is either cheating or very, very insecure.

If you are reading this OP's DP then stop being a bellend and give her back her privacy you fucking loser.

kittybiscuits · 03/04/2016 09:52

Sorry OP. I'm going to have to end our emotional affair. It's keeping you away from your FWH and making him all suspicious. Poor love. Hmm

middleeasternpromise · 03/04/2016 09:57

Be wary of being too understanding of this type of behaviour. It displays deep seated insecurities on your partners behalf that he is not prepared to take responsibility for - he deals with it by crossing all your personal boundaries and treating you like a possession. This breeds disrespect without you even knowing it. I have been in this situation and it doesn't end - from not consulting you about what should be joint decisions (they don't remember to do so as their view is the only one that counts) to feeling they have the right to tell you what to do in a very paternalistic manner. Buckle up because if he doesn't see it as a problem and is able to front it off when called out about the behaviour - then you've got someone who sees it as OK, defendable and his right.

Pettywoman · 03/04/2016 10:11

He doesn't have the self esteem to believe he can trust you by the sounds of it. He can't just be happy that he has a wife and kids and enjoy his relationship with you. Instead he's behaving like a scrotey little loser who has to check up on his 'posession'. It's a sure fire way of you losing all respect for him. I wouldn't stay with DH if he did that.

magoria · 03/04/2016 10:12

In my opinion people expect you to have the same morals and standards as they do.

A liar expects people to lie to them.

A thief expects people to steal from them.

Someone searching your every Internet post and conversation trying to find out if you are lying, cheating and deceiving them...

He has never trusted you and checked up on you during your entire relationship despite you telling him it is not in and him finding nothing . How horrible.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 03/04/2016 10:18

It would be a deal breaker for me.

It's not that I want to keep secrets but I'm my own person and I have the right to have thoughts and feelings and to choose who I share them with

Again ^^ this.

Without trust you have nothing.

I couldn't live with him. Don't let him stay 'for the kids'. One happy resident parent is much better than two unhappy resident parents. I know you've not long had your second, but you'll cope far better & be happier on your own than with this twunt making you unhappy 💐.

So Mr OP, do her & your kids, a favour, go home tonight, admit you've been a total twat and leave. Just go.

aLeafFalls · 03/04/2016 10:22

My ex did this kind of thing and it escalated. Started with him reading my post and old diaries. Then checking my internet history, lots. I caught him out doing that several times and it would lead to big rows. He'd never do it again. Until the next time. He read my emails and would cross examine me about them.

Eventually I discovered he'd hacked into a different email account of mine and also one belonging to my teenage daughter. He put a tracker on my phone.

Did he have "reason" to do this? Reasonable suspicion? Not at all. But he saw me as a possession he could control and was also a cheat himself.

I'm so much better off without him. OP, I would see this as a big red flag and I just wouldn't take the risk. Life's too short.

wonkylampshade · 03/04/2016 10:22

Doreen, my point exactly although perhaps it wasn't explicit enough in my post. I am guilty of reading/posting a lot sometimes - and on occasion it irritates my DP when he wants a chat and I just want to be a bit brain dead for a while after a long day with kids.

But I can safely and confidently say he'd NEVER do what this guy is doing. This guy doesn't deserve sympathy and attempts at understanding because what he is doing is intrusive, sly and sinister. It's beyond the pale and I think OP needs to be very wary of him.

Original poster
WalkingBlind · 03/04/2016 10:45

Morning everyone, I have read all posts and thank you so much for your support Smile I can't answer each individually but a couple of things....

He's not the one trying to have a real life chat with me while I'm glued online, it's the total opposite. I feel like every time I open my mouth I'm interrupting him on his phone and he often doesn't acknowledge I've spoken at all. So I come on here.

I've messaged him and he must not have checked up yet today or looked at the fridge because he was totally oblivious as to what's going on. I have sent him in this direction. I haven't NC for this thread at all.

I think it's been done out of insecurity also and makes me concerned as to what he's doing online that makes him think I'd be doing the same Hmm He is insecure about himself (body image etc) but never thought he would stoop to this level.

I think he thinks I'm a melodramatic nag, so I'm really glad he's got all these very valid posts to read!

OP posts:
Original poster
WalkingBlind · 03/04/2016 10:47

I feel like he's expected me to do something wrong and that's what hurts the most. The assumption that I'm a dickhead before I've actually been one Sad

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 03/04/2016 11:06

No way would I stay in a relationship with someone so insecure and controlling. Totally out of order.