Contacted by the OW?

[KaraKaraKodi]

I'm caught up in the middle of an extremely complicated situation - I can't say too much as would be identifying but let's say I have very strong ties of loyalty (some are blood ties) to almost everyone involved in this situation. (to be clear, I am not the OW.)

MM is a serial philander and has been throughout a long term marriage (10 yrs+ & children) - ranging from one night stands to short term affairs to longer term affairs. He's not otherwise a bad character; sex is his flaw. W is unaware save for (I think) a one off time a really, really long time ago. W is about to take some very serious life changing decisions which she really needs to know about her husband's behaviour to make an informed choice.

OW (one of the longer term affairs this MM has had but so far as I know not currently going on; they remain close/in contact though) wants to write to the W to tell her what the MM has been up to so she is fully informed.

OW is herself married and does not want to leave her marriage (her husband knew about her affair with MM but forgave her) - so this isn't likely to be a "trying to split them up" attempt. It maybe she has an other agenda that I don't know about - eg. assuaging guilt, revenge on MM - but thats not what she says.

I 100% agree that the W should know about the MM's behaviour before she makes these decisions although I think that the OW writing to the W is a bad idea and a waste of time. I'm looking for anyone who has had a similar experience to give me suggestions to persuade the OW not to do this or not to do it in this way. I think it will hurt the W, cause marital disruption at a difficult time but ultimately not be believed.

Has anyone here been in a situation where they received a letter or email or other contact from an OW or another person or anonymously saying their husband had an affair?

If so , how did you react? Did you ignore it and dismiss it as malicious? Did you believe it? Was there any difference in reaction depending on the content (was there any proof in the letter? dates, times, photos?) Were you emotionally hurt by the content? (I assume it is impossible not to be) What was it that was most hurtful and should be avoided (-eg. declarations of "just sex" or "love" - not sure which is worse)?

Assuming OWs going to do it anyway , if you were advising (I know this sounds crazy) an OW or third party who wanted to tell you about an affair for your own interests - to protect you, what is the best way to express it to cause the least emotional upset but at the same time be believed?

I think OW shouldn't do it, but if she is, it would be really pointless to hurt the W if ultimately she doesn't believe the reality of it.

[To put some context here so it doesn't sound overly cryptic, the MM is someone I have strong loyalty to otherwise, I think I would tell the W directly myself. I have told the MM he should tell his W now but he has said he will not. It is in his personal interests not to for reasons beyond maintaining the marriage.]

Any other advice? Sorry so long.

Thank you for your replies and the personal attacks on me. I have already said in an earlier post that I have told the MM that he should tell his W and also that I am not going to tell the W. I am not going to do it, that's it. I'm not saying anything further about my connections/loyalties in this situation as it is too identifying. I've said enough to paint the picture.

What I was asking about was for anyone who has unfortunately been in this situation (and I'm so sorry if you have) if the OW is going to approach the W, what is most likely to be believed and what should be steared clear of to avoid causing the W more emotional distress than necessary but at the same time be believable?

Every thread I've ever read on here where there has been an approach from the OW - whether anonymous or not, the W says "I don't believe it, he'd never do it" and numerous posters support that belief that it is an untrue evil attack for other malicious motives (which I think mirrors real life and what friends would say). This is really why I think here the OW if she tells the W is going to not achieve anything but a lot of upset to no end.

There was one thread I was thinking of particularly but I can't find it. These are typical examples:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2530666-Has-anyone-else-had-a-weird-facebook-message-from-an-unknown-person?pg=1

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2575704-Contacted-by-someone-claiming-to-be-DH-OW

It might be the call she's been waiting for for years to confirm she's not going stir crazy after all.

I was emailed by OW boyfriend and I did my own digging. Luckily me ex is really fucking stupid so it didn't take me long to find out.

I think you're a fucking dick though for not saying anything to the wife. Regardless of the fact this cunt is a relation to you, how the fuck can you justify supporting him?
If he was a relative of mine id never speak to him again.

I doubt that kinkytoes. Posts here show that the begining point is always for a W is to not believe it. No one wants to believe their DH acts in a way that means they don't really love them especially after a long marriage.

I'm not asking for encouragement to tell her myself. It maybe that the reason there are so few posts from W's who have had this experience and giving advice I am after is because anyone that this has happened to chose not to believe it. This definately supports my veiw that the OW writing to the W is going to achieve nothing.

But do you not think maybe a relative of this scum bag might get through to her?!

There are also lots of posts on here where women suspect very strongly that something is going on but don't have anything concrete to help them clarify things. Contact with the OW can cement things in their mind, give them evidence if they need it etc. You seem quite determined that in fact nobody should approach this woman and she should be left in the dark! In my book that's pretty cruel.

I told my best friend about her DPs women and babies on the side. She did not believe me... for about 3 hours.

Then she avoided me... for about a year. But she spoke to many other people and got to the truth.

It took her a while to process the information, the changes to her life. I think that is why many women have that initial reaction. Not that they don't believe but that they don't want to believe. Processing that sort of news must be very traumatic.

My friend and I are now back in regular contact, good friends again. She has said that she had to get over her embarrassment and anger, the thought of me/other knowing and not saying anything, for any length of time.

If your 'friend' has important decisions to be made, ones that depend on having a stable marriage, then it would, for me, be unthinkable to let her blithely go abut it without knowing. So, if you can't (and I don't blame you at all, if you can't) then do encourage the OW to do so, clearly, calmly, fully.

Yes, it's nasty, but if you think the consequences of her not knowing will be worse...

I was sent screen shots by OW of a text conversation between her and now xbf. They were meeting for sex, then they were texting to say how good it was. Dates, times, his number was there to see. I couldn't not believe her. He denied it of course. I walked away. Im glad I found out!

OP - that's simply not true. I have already told you that I believed it when I was told by an anonymous informant, and two other friends had similar experiences. One was told by the OW, and the other by a family member. Yes the news is devastating and agonising, but this woman deserves to know just how despicable her H is. I simply don't understand why you have this view that she won't believe the OW - or anyone else for that matter. As long as the information is delivered calmly and factually then why should she elect to disbelieve it? That said, this utter shit of a MM appears to be tacitly supported by a number of enablers. God knows how she will feel when that reality dawns on the poor woman. This is all beyond cruel - where is the moral compass in any of this? Please don't continue to be one of those enablers for a moment longer.

OP - I think you are in a difficult situation and I don't think you are colluding in the infidelity. Personally I would not get involved with the OW or with telling the wife. If your primary family loyalty is to MM then he is the one you need to speak to in order to make it clear how disgusted you are. If at all possible I would cut ties with the OW however. I don't think it is for you to advise her on how to go about telling somebody that MM has been unfaithful.

I would speak to MM and tell him that you think the OW is about to inform his wife so he needs to come clean himself. If he still does not tell her then I think to some extent you need to stay out of the situation. Normally I would advocate telling the wife for the reasons other posters have identified, but I understand that there are some situations (where MM is brother or son or close friend etc) in which no matter how badly he has behaved your loyalty still lies with him.

Having been in the situation of the cheated on partner, I would always want to know even about historic infidelity. I would rather a kind and clear letter or email from the OW (together with a brief apology!) with details of dates etc, so that I could process it at my own pace.

Well if the Ow has strong evidence of the MM cheating then I don't see how W will not believe her.

I can understand that your are in a difficult position however I would contact w anonymously the same time as the ow does. If she hears it from 2 people that would perhaps add more strength to the ow claims.

Please don't let her hear this from the ow.

I have been in that position and it was beyond hurtful. There was all the shock and devastation you'd expect, plus the sneaking suspicion that she was enjoying telling me.

But she does need to know, nobody deserves that level of abuse and betrayal.

If you won't tell her, find someone neutral who will, or do it anonymously.

I think she will believe it, she'll have had suspicions for years.

You need to tell her. She's about to make some serious life changing decisions, so what are they, new baby, something to do with her kids, housing, illness?? I think you'd be a fool if you didn't do anything. The poor woman.

Please tell her. But not anonymously. That part continues to torment me. It's horrible.

I believed it for the reasons others have given; and in a way was glad I was not mad for my suspicions.

Choose a time that won't leave her completely shattered and having to deal with stuff with dcs.

It is as simple as you need to tell her. Ask yourself if it was you would you want her to tell you?

How do you know he's a serial cheater, were you told, have you witnessed it?

I can't believe that you have blood ties and you're not telling her. Shocking. Why are you not telling her?

I wouldn't tell her. She will almost certainly direct a lot of anger at you - and it sounds as though you don't have a close enough relationship with her - for her to hear it from you; for her not to feel OK off-loading anger on you; to make it up with you in the end.

I think I'd take andintothefire's approach - have one last go at explaining to MM how much better this is going to be coming from him.

In the real world, people generally don't react well to hearing news like this. A very, very close friend might get away with being the bearer of such bad news - but anyone else - no.

I fucking hate men who think they are good guys whilst treating women like shit. He's not a nice guy. He's a world class shit and doesn't deserve your backing.

Ok I've been watching this thread. I've not been in exactly this situation. Been cheated on by someone I moved continents to live with though and everybody knew (she was part of our friendship group but not a real friend of mine) and only one person told me. He was a bit of a PIA most of the time but he told me about my ex face to face. I believed him. And he was right.

OW should definitely tell her. Or you should anonymously (only because of loyalties, otherwise I'd say you should tell her face to face). I wouldn't let MM have the chance because his issue isn't only sex, it's also a lot of lying and the chances are that he says OW is a crazy woman who came on to him and he rejected her advances, or some other similar discrediting BS are high.

And you say she'll understand why you didn't tell her, which might be right. That she'll want anything to do with you ever again is another thing, because it's not exactly as if she can trust you again once she knows you knew all this - it's not like it's a one night stand you're not sure about, it's multiple relationships over 10 years of her life during which she's had children with MM.

There is no way she's not going to be devastated, but better devastated and not make whatever change she's planning than devastated sometime after doing it. If she doesn't believe OW then perhaps you know someone else who can tell her too even if it's anonymously with print outs of emails etc? This woman is owed a lot by all the people who have betrayed her by keeping their loyalty to him for years. Nobody can undo what he and in turn they have done, but they can at least make sure she doesn't make the life change she's planning without having as much info about her dick of a DH as possible.

OP - you trying to second guess the W's reaction is a massive red herring, and us allowing the situation to continue.

As others have pointed out, the circumstances of the relationship is the biggest factor that will dictatea how this news will be recieved, and there are only two people who know this information. It's not something you can predict!

Essentially, there are a myriad of ways in which the W might react, and as far as I'm concerned using that as an excuse not to act or to stop others from acting is very poor.

For what its worth, I think if you know someone is treating another person appallingly, and chose not to act or make it clear exactly how you feel about it, then you are endorsing their behaviour.

The fact that W is about to make life altering decisions and you want to stop OW from acting kind of makes this worse!

When you received something like that you just know in your gut if it's true! She will know deep down its true especially if he's admitted to just the one before! One is enough to put doubts in a women's mind forever!!

OP - you also have loyalties to the children - these must also be blood. You should not their lives be negatively impacted by decisions by their Mother which were informed. It sounds like a lot of people must know what is going here.

I also think you are actually trying to protect MM however you are related...

I was cheated on the minute I told someone a fortune teller told me he was having an affair..Told his sister her face was a picture and told me all I needed to know..

I have no idea what the decision is but as there are children already involved I am guessing they need consideration in what decision W is making..

Are you Vernon's mum OP?

Lol Fanny!! Thought crossed my mind too! ;)