I'm caught up in the middle of an extremely complicated situation - I can't say too much as would be identifying but let's say I have very strong ties of loyalty (some are blood ties) to almost everyone involved in this situation. (to be clear, I am not the OW.)
MM is a serial philander and has been throughout a long term marriage (10 yrs+ & children) - ranging from one night stands to short term affairs to longer term affairs. He's not otherwise a bad character; sex is his flaw. W is unaware save for (I think) a one off time a really, really long time ago. W is about to take some very serious life changing decisions which she really needs to know about her husband's behaviour to make an informed choice.
OW (one of the longer term affairs this MM has had but so far as I know not currently going on; they remain close/in contact though) wants to write to the W to tell her what the MM has been up to so she is fully informed.
OW is herself married and does not want to leave her marriage (her husband knew about her affair with MM but forgave her) - so this isn't likely to be a "trying to split them up" attempt. It maybe she has an other agenda that I don't know about - eg. assuaging guilt, revenge on MM - but thats not what she says.
I 100% agree that the W should know about the MM's behaviour before she makes these decisions although I think that the OW writing to the W is a bad idea and a waste of time. I'm looking for anyone who has had a similar experience to give me suggestions to persuade the OW not to do this or not to do it in this way. I think it will hurt the W, cause marital disruption at a difficult time but ultimately not be believed.
Has anyone here been in a situation where they received a letter or email or other contact from an OW or another person or anonymously saying their husband had an affair?
If so , how did you react? Did you ignore it and dismiss it as malicious? Did you believe it? Was there any difference in reaction depending on the content (was there any proof in the letter? dates, times, photos?) Were you emotionally hurt by the content? (I assume it is impossible not to be) What was it that was most hurtful and should be avoided (-eg. declarations of "just sex" or "love" - not sure which is worse)?
Assuming OWs going to do it anyway , if you were advising (I know this sounds crazy) an OW or third party who wanted to tell you about an affair for your own interests - to protect you, what is the best way to express it to cause the least emotional upset but at the same time be believed?
I think OW shouldn't do it, but if she is, it would be really pointless to hurt the W if ultimately she doesn't believe the reality of it.
[To put some context here so it doesn't sound overly cryptic, the MM is someone I have strong loyalty to otherwise, I think I would tell the W directly myself. I have told the MM he should tell his W now but he has said he will not. It is in his personal interests not to for reasons beyond maintaining the marriage.]
Any other advice? Sorry so long.