Wife exploring bisexuality - should I be ok with that ?

[CanIBlameEricaJong]

Sorry for the long post, I don't want to drip-feed.

My wife and I have been married for 15 years and have 3 young dcs, we had both always worked, and having turned 40 my wife decided she wanted to act on the feeling of attraction that she'd started feeling towards women. I feel cold.

Over the summer dw fell a little bit in love with a local mother; unrequited but lots of days/nights out - children forgotten at the school gate - and quite desperate one way affection from my dw.
It became apparent to all this was more than a friendship from dw's perspective but insignificant to the object of her affection. My wife went through a very angry time - shouting at the dc's and me, and our sex life darkened with a kind of aggression I don't enjoy. DW looked unwell, and after visiting the GP she was prescribed anti-depresents and sought counselling.

Fast forward to now - my wife's job has gone - and following counselling she has justified finding a special friend with whom to 'explore' sexually. She has been open with me about the process from going online through to meeting up, finding a woman, and having sex, but I still view this as infidelity and a betrayal. To me it doesn't matter that she's being unfaithful with a woman, unfaithful is unfaithful and gender doesn't matter. But to her this is necessary exploration, and without it she will loose her mind. When I tell her this isn't what I want she tells me that I can find a 'special friend' too but she would find this difficult and that this would truly be infidelity, because anything that another woman could provide she will provide for me. If I 'cheat' she says I would lose the moral high ground. But I don't want another woman, or care about 'being right'.

I feel broken. My father was repeatedly unfaithful to my mother when I was young, it led to my mother dying through an alcohol related illness. I can't repeat this pattern or jeopardise my children.

But I don't want to lose the beautiful lady I have had by my side for nearly half my life, nor see her crushed under the weight of unrecognised sexuality. I feel less - for her, and our marriage - each day she does this, and also lesser myself for accepting it. What can I do ?

Your marriage is over. Now, you're a decent person. I'm not, so here's what you do right now.

Install Automatic Call Recorder, SMS Back And Restore and change your PC and phone passwords. The stock voice recorder will pick up conversation at 20 feet through a shirt pocket. From now on, it's on in her presence, no exceptions. Back up the cloud daily. Keep a written diary as well. Write it in pen/pencil, to help you process stuff. Then photograph the page, upload and destroy it.

You may think, "I'm not that kind of guy/that's sneaky and underhand". As your STBX has already demonstrated, she wants the family to continue with someone else in the marital bed. That means destroying your reputation (the ONSs are probably being told you're abusive), your sanity and last your relationship with the children. Oh, and the money. There are no good outcomes, only the least damaging to you and DCs.

Courage and good luck.

OP marriage and relationships are about consent. If it was ok with you to let her explore then it would be ok, fluidity is acceptable. But it sounds that it isn't ok with you. You have a voice and need to express this! If she wants to explore and you don't want her to do so, the relationship will be over.
I am bisexual, I know that no one can fully satisfy me and I have to live with something missing. Regardless of orientation, one partner can never satisfy 100% so choosing someone is always giving up on something.
CanIblame, if you were to give her an ultimatum would she choose exploring or would she choose you?

You don't deserve this OP, you sound lovely.

Well, this is the end of a long day of realisation. Last night I barely slept, tonight I feel that - thanks to the clarity I've gained from you all being there - I will sleep better. Thank you.

And if I have to be a muppet, I'm going to be more Animal and less Kermie.

Erica. At least everybody on here is half in love with you

I second springydaffs

My jaw dropped when I read your first post (and your replies). As many pp have said your wife wants to have her cake and eat it too! She does sound manipulative and what she is doing to you is emotional abuse. She will not leave and wants to grow old with you, while blatantly hurting your feelings and blackmailing you?! I say, f*ck that and leave yourself. I know it's difficult and you do not want to do it because of your children, but she has to realize it is not just what she wants that matters. In any case, i am sure you can push for 50/50 custody.

I was also going to suggest something similar to DisgraceToTheYChromosome (but with less technical details lol). You need to keep track of everything because unfortunately, this might be useful at some point.

Good luck, hope you are able to sleep tonight.

As you have daily nanny, are home by the time she leaves each night, and are able to do a couple of the school runs each week, I suggest you institute divorce proceedings against your wife and look to have her move out of the family home so that the dcs stability is unbroken. If she has her own place she'll be able to explore sexually with as many women as she wants except every other weekends when she has contact with the dc and they stay overnight with her.

This means she'll have to be in full-time work and it may be an idea to keep your cards close to your chest until she finds another job as she may try to claim that she's a SAHM or has given up work to care for the dc.

With regard to grounds for divorce, unless you have evidence that she is in fact sexually exploring with another man you won't be able to proceed with adultery* and will have to rely on her unreasonable behaviour - and she most certainly has been unreasonable in expecting you to tolerate her desire for an open marriage providing you look to have sex with other men.

*You're quite right to say that if your w has sex with another woman she is being unfaithful to you, but in the eyes of the law adultery can only take place when a man and a woman have piv. As this also applies to same-sex marriages I expect a return to the days when a private detective happened upon the adulterous couple sharing breakfast in bed together which the courts accepted was evidence of their having also partaken of piv. . In actual fact it's more likely that adultery will be abolished as a ground for divorce as the law further enshrines the concept of 'no fault' divorce.

in the eyes of the law adultery can only take place when a man and a woman have piv

That's SHOCKING!

It's probably been said, already, but you need feel no different than you would if she was out shagging another bloke. Telling about it doesn't make it automatically OK with you, if that's not how you feel.

And if I have to be a muppet, I'm going to be more Animal and less Kermie.

A damned fine aspiration :)

I agree with annarose. It seems to me she's hedging her bets. If she finds someone she likes, she'll leave you then. If she doesn't, at least she still has you as a safe base. But that means you are always second-best. You deserve to be someone's No.1. I'm sorry this is happening. It's horrible, and yes, she's definitely cheating.

Such lovely, supportive posters, with excellent advice from the legal to the emotional to the technical (thanks Disgrace for that, good pointers that at first appear extreme but once started - at least in part - show themselves to be sensible, whatever the outcome may be).

It feels strange to be on the verge of what will either be a regular family weekend, or a continuation of the vortex of the last few days.

I will post more as I figure more out. Thank you all.

Bravo op

btw what's piv

Springy - Penis In Vagina