Wife exploring bisexuality - should I be ok with that ?

[CanIBlameEricaJong]

Sorry for the long post, I don't want to drip-feed.

My wife and I have been married for 15 years and have 3 young dcs, we had both always worked, and having turned 40 my wife decided she wanted to act on the feeling of attraction that she'd started feeling towards women. I feel cold.

Over the summer dw fell a little bit in love with a local mother; unrequited but lots of days/nights out - children forgotten at the school gate - and quite desperate one way affection from my dw.
It became apparent to all this was more than a friendship from dw's perspective but insignificant to the object of her affection. My wife went through a very angry time - shouting at the dc's and me, and our sex life darkened with a kind of aggression I don't enjoy. DW looked unwell, and after visiting the GP she was prescribed anti-depresents and sought counselling.

Fast forward to now - my wife's job has gone - and following counselling she has justified finding a special friend with whom to 'explore' sexually. She has been open with me about the process from going online through to meeting up, finding a woman, and having sex, but I still view this as infidelity and a betrayal. To me it doesn't matter that she's being unfaithful with a woman, unfaithful is unfaithful and gender doesn't matter. But to her this is necessary exploration, and without it she will loose her mind. When I tell her this isn't what I want she tells me that I can find a 'special friend' too but she would find this difficult and that this would truly be infidelity, because anything that another woman could provide she will provide for me. If I 'cheat' she says I would lose the moral high ground. But I don't want another woman, or care about 'being right'.

I feel broken. My father was repeatedly unfaithful to my mother when I was young, it led to my mother dying through an alcohol related illness. I can't repeat this pattern or jeopardise my children.

But I don't want to lose the beautiful lady I have had by my side for nearly half my life, nor see her crushed under the weight of unrecognised sexuality. I feel less - for her, and our marriage - each day she does this, and also lesser myself for accepting it. What can I do ?

XOJane isn't really the beacon of rational, sometimes the commentators want to be perceived as being above the current "normal."

The OP doesn't want his wife to cheat on him but she is cheating and she doesn't care for his feelings . If she doesn't want to be in this relationship then she can leave, time has moved on, people shouldn't have to stay in unhappy relationships anymore. What's not ok is that she is messing with her husband's mind, she's keeping him as a back up and toying with him/

Sorry for the typos there, I'm on my phone. I also wanted to add, you sound like a lovely, honourable man. There are many decent women out there who want the kind of relationship you deserve.

Clarence anyone advising that is nearly as cruel as the "you sit quietly there while I explore darling" cheats.

Not in my world. And not on Mumsnet either. Married and want to explore your sexuality? Fine - get divorced first.

Well said BarbarianMum

Get out of there, OP. Love is never enough; you're scared, that's all. Get 50% custody and go find a wonderful woman. I like how you write, by the way.

I'm a bisexual married woman, and I'd never dream of asking my DH to allow me to 'explore'. She can be attracted to women if she wants, but what she's asking of you is so unreasonable. It gives bisexual people a bad name. In general she sounds nasty and abusive, and I really hope you can get your family out of this situation.

Is there anywhere you can go and stay while the legal stuff is sorted out? If it was a woman in an abusive relationship we'd be telling her to pack up and take the kids to stay with family.

Women are more likely in life told to be supportive, to try, to put up and shut up.

This website, especially this topic hopefully tells them actually, you know, you don't have to. You have the right to leave whenever you want. You don't have to stay and be unhappy to make others happy.

I don't think I have ever seen a thread on here where a woman is told to stay and support something that makes them unhappy.

Thanks all, legal aspect now in hand I will know more Friday afternoon.

I did know my wife had fooled around a little with girls at Uni, we'd discussed it prior to getting married (all those years ago). But I suppose her changing world view has made her re-examine wha..... STOOPPPPP ! Why am I still trying to analyse her ?!

In part because if this is her big breakdown I wouldn't want to desert her. But if instead I've created 'a monster' by being permissive, and trying to be a 'right-on' Norf London dad who thought his relationship was strong enough to withstand this... Well, I'd be a muppet wouldn't I.

Hi CanI - I've PM'd you about a specialist support group who may be able to help you.

You are not a muppet for having faith in your relationship! Do not put yourself down!

Get some legal advice and see where you stand. Also, have another chat with her; I don't think she really understands how much impact this is having on you.

Best of luck with sorting it and I hope you find happiness again

Well, I'd be a muppet wouldn't I
Ummm... yes you would.
You know you don't deserve this.
Very glad you are getting some legal advice.
Take it from there.

I don't know if you've seen/read Gone Girl where she talks about trying to be "The Cool Girl". (If not, Google the quote, it's amazing)

I guess you've been rying to be "The Cool Guy". Thing is, it doesn't exist - it's just a construct to get your partner to like you. I suspect you care very much that your wife likes you & thinks you're cool. Worth staying with, in other words.

Sadly I think she's messier than that. You're just not going to be rewarded for being the cool guy.

If she's staying at the OW house and her DH is "cool" with it, then is there not a possibility of threesomes happening?

I thought that about threesomes, or perhaps the other guy is watching?

Bit of sleuthing on my part - looks like dw kindly paid for the ow to go home alone, rather than them both departing for a threesome.

So ow left much later than the 11pm reported.

I doubt it matters - at that point I'm arguing with myself whether a lie on top of infidelity really changes anything.

I really really feel for you OP especially reading your latest replies. I have to admit my partner would likely react like you if I attempted the same - a "right on north London dad" totally! But I wouldn't let any fantasies or fancying someone else sway me into experimenting in reality. It would secretly break his heart.

She is cheating pure and simple, however she dresses it up - SHE is breaking up your marriage, you should not feel ashamed to tell people why if it does all fall apart. Having behaviour is atrocious. Having her cake and eating it.

I'm bisexual and even I agree she's cheating in one of the most horrendous ways it's possible to do it. Even at the point where I 'explored my sexuality' I was still faithful to anyone I entered a committed relationship with. If either sex wasn't enough for me, I'd have found a partner who was happy with an open relationship, not forced an open relationship on an unwilling partner.

Being bisexual has nothing to do with how faithful she is. I don't think I've actually ever met another bisexual person who struggles to stay faithful because they miss the anatomy of the sex they're not in a relationship with. In fact, the majority I've met share my lack of preference as far as anatomy is concerned and those who are unfaithful are just unfaithful, not 'missing something'.

By the sounds of it, you're going to have to really grit your teeth and stand firm. Use the law to its greatest extent, but also be realistic. Who would you honestly say is currently your children's primary carer?

Hello ElderlyKoreanLady, I'm so glad you're not still outside :). Your post is useful - it should be the person not the gender.

And Annarose2014 - I did read 'Gone Girl' (here I lose any literary credibility, for I thoroughly enjoyed it) - yes,
I am trying to be 'Cool guy'.

I would say I was primary care giver until dw lost her job - we have an 8am-6pm nanny who must get slot zero - dc's truly love her - and dw was secondary. I have a good job but manage to pickup and drop off twice a week, work from home one day a week and always leave after 8 and return by 6. Now dw is out of work I'm probably second - but when I'm with them I am 100% present, which dw is not.

A way forwards begins to present itself....

Jesus, you poor guy. I'd be utterly devasted if my husband upped and decided he'd be off exploring with other men.

"I could change locks - but she knows this isn't legal and would be back in within hours" - Technically, you could leave the keys in the locks so she can't get in, which is perfectly legal....just saying...

OP your DW's infidelity, lies, cheating and appalling cruelty towards you and your emotions are the issues here, not her sexuality.

This isn't love as I know it.
An open marriage is a marriage on equal terms for both consenting partners and one which still considers each other first and foremost. That isn't what you're experiencing.

Is your home big enough to have a bedroom each? if so I'd be setting her up in the spare room forthwith while you think about the future.

Again girl....WTF

Completely ridiculous. She wants the safety of heterosexual privilege you're affording her, whilst hoping you're a wee bit homophobic enough to be dismissive of this blatant cheating as 'not counting as real'. 'Exploring your sexuality' isn't a get out of jail free card to behave like a twat, however much she attempts to bamboozle you into believing it is. & I say that as a lesbian.

push you are so right.

Maybe, wifey is re-writing things so that she is justifying exploring her sexuality .....aka having an affair....but saying if you slept with another women that would be an affair.

CanI your posts come across as though you are a considerate and kind man and father. You don't deserve this and nor do your children.