Wife exploring bisexuality - should I be ok with that ?

[CanIBlameEricaJong]

Sorry for the long post, I don't want to drip-feed.

My wife and I have been married for 15 years and have 3 young dcs, we had both always worked, and having turned 40 my wife decided she wanted to act on the feeling of attraction that she'd started feeling towards women. I feel cold.

Over the summer dw fell a little bit in love with a local mother; unrequited but lots of days/nights out - children forgotten at the school gate - and quite desperate one way affection from my dw.
It became apparent to all this was more than a friendship from dw's perspective but insignificant to the object of her affection. My wife went through a very angry time - shouting at the dc's and me, and our sex life darkened with a kind of aggression I don't enjoy. DW looked unwell, and after visiting the GP she was prescribed anti-depresents and sought counselling.

Fast forward to now - my wife's job has gone - and following counselling she has justified finding a special friend with whom to 'explore' sexually. She has been open with me about the process from going online through to meeting up, finding a woman, and having sex, but I still view this as infidelity and a betrayal. To me it doesn't matter that she's being unfaithful with a woman, unfaithful is unfaithful and gender doesn't matter. But to her this is necessary exploration, and without it she will loose her mind. When I tell her this isn't what I want she tells me that I can find a 'special friend' too but she would find this difficult and that this would truly be infidelity, because anything that another woman could provide she will provide for me. If I 'cheat' she says I would lose the moral high ground. But I don't want another woman, or care about 'being right'.

I feel broken. My father was repeatedly unfaithful to my mother when I was young, it led to my mother dying through an alcohol related illness. I can't repeat this pattern or jeopardise my children.

But I don't want to lose the beautiful lady I have had by my side for nearly half my life, nor see her crushed under the weight of unrecognised sexuality. I feel less - for her, and our marriage - each day she does this, and also lesser myself for accepting it. What can I do ?

She has been honest - she's told him what she's doing so it's up to him where he goes from here

It's not up to him. She is calling all the shots. She is saying that she will sleep with other people, he's not allowed to unless it's a man, which she knows he is not interested in doing. She will not leave the children or the house and expects him to just go along with it. Also she hasn't been honest as she lied about going to the ow's house.

It would still be considered cheating if she does go through with it. I know some couples have open relationships, but it's clear that you don't want that.

By saying it isn't cheating undermines all same sex relationships, as though they are not in some way complete.

If my DH did anything like this, he would be gone in a heartbeat.

I hear all this, but how do you 'throw someone out'.

Whilst I'm bigger and stronger - that's one option that I could never do.

I could change locks - but she knows this isn't legal and would be back in within hours.

I've asked her to go - at least for a time - she won't.

I will speak to a solicitor - try to get someone who can see me on short notice. It seems like my only choice.

I'm wallowing in a giant cup of tea watching my children happily playing in our postage stamp sized garden. It's a lot to rip apart.

It's not you doing the ripping though. The lawyer will tell you how to start dismantling things, and advise you best on custody. You need to make sure that it's noted that she lost her job (presumably through getting fired?)

She has ripped this apart. Not you. Never accept the blame for her selfish actions.

It's not cool if she doesn't let you balance it out.

My partner is exploring her bisexuality. She says that I'm not merely permitted, but encouraged to find someone to explore my own sexuality with. While it's unlikely that I'll actually do so (not particularly good at dating) but knowing that things are fair and balanced (and both of us laughing together at our dating mishaps) means we both know that each others well being is foremost in our minds.

What your wife is doing is unjust and wrong.

I agree with surferjet it is up to the OP where he goes from here. That doesn't mean I agree with the OP's wife.

There's no way on earth I'd ever deliberately set out to behave in a way to hurt my DH or overstep his boundaries because I love him and if he hurts then I hurt.

That said, the OP knows his wife doesn't respect his feelings and that her wants are more important to her than his needs and feelings. He also knows that she will lie and can't can't even rely on her being truthful in trampling his boundaries. That can't be changed by him.

So the question is, put up with it or call it a day.

wow. she is being desperately cruel. What a nightmare this is - especially with your family history

She is doing an enormous number on you. If you were a woman I'd suggest Women's Aid and the Freedom Programme. But what is there for you, a man?

You may love her but she is shitting all over you and, to that end, if you can't do anything for yourself then p-l-e-a-s-e do something for your children's sake. Whether they know the details of what's going on or not, your home is a war zone and they will feel that . The toxic fumes of this will be being registered by them - but under the surface where it is the most damaging.

The situation is outlandish and it's understandable you are frozen in horror - but more so because of your history. She is fucking with your head and that ups the confusion factor.

This is abuse. Try www.mensadviceline.org.uk/

and www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-men/

Perhaps they can point you towards effective support to take hold of this situation and make some changes to protect you and your children.

Thinking of you.

By saying it isn't cheating undermines all same sex relationships, as though they are not in some way complete

Well said

and btw she is not 'exploring her bisexuality' - she is cheating. And expecting you to put up with it, to keep the home fires burning while she plays away.

Cheating in full view, too. What a piece of work she is!

I know this is Machiavellian (and understandably you don't want to leave the DCs anyway) but if you did move out for a bit she'd suddenly find it a lot harder to 'explore her sexuality' while in sole charge of children.

Probably best not done from the custody point of view but the truth is she hasn't thought this through at all (exactly how much 'exploring' will she be able to do as a separated person with two small children?) and talking in fairly cold terms about where her behaviour is going to lead you all is one option.

No doubt she'd expect op to babysit while she did her cheating exploring.

Is she taking the piss or what!

This is such a tough situation. It sounds like she is bullying you and what was once a happy marriage has become an abusive situation where only her needs/desires/feelings are important. I think PPs are right. You need to get legal advice , work out your options and start drawing some boundaries.

Best of luck.

You sound as worn down and desolate about your marriage as I did 18 months ago OP. My stbxh wasn't exploring his sexuality but he was physically, sexually, financially and emotionally abusing me. The amount of damage your wife is inflicting on you sounds comparable though? I loved him too (that is why I put up with shocking levels of violence for 10 years) but I got out and I see now that the love I felt for him was trauma bonding. I didn't want to blow apart my dc's lives or leave my home either, but I had to because I was suicidal and broken.

Do not underestimate how much your situation is dragging you down and being unable to think clearly. Only by taking space from the marriage will you be able to see how bad the situation got. I'm out now, getting divorced, dating and studying. I'm a different person now. It has been a hard road but I would never go back to being so broken. I didn't deserve that and neither do you.

She's not going to be "crushed" because she doesn't get to shag about. Lots of us manage monogamy without wilting under the pressure.

Draw your boundary really firmly and follow through with separation if she persists with her "heroic explorer of vaginas" guff. It might even snap her out of it.

Seriously; lots of us turn forty and realise we never got round to being the rock star, entrepreneur, artist or epic lesbian we "should" have been. But grown ups shrug and get on with RL.

Just to add - "you're the one I want to grow old with" = "you're my safety net"

When she fell So desperately in love with the other school run mum, what do you think would have happened if the mum had fallen in love back?

I guarantee SHE'D have been the one your wife wanted to grow old with.

She has already shown that it's as emotional as sexual for her. Frankly it's only a matter of time before she develops feelings for someone again.

Then you'll be blindsided.

This is not just a phase she's going through. She's not just looking for sex. She's looking for your replacement, however subconsciously.

I just read an article on XOJane about a woman whose partner just told her he's bi, and he wants to sleep with a man. He was not called a cheating bitch in the comments, and actually his girlfriend was careful to praise him and call him very brave (?)

I do notice this difference between how bi men and women are perceived. Female partners are told to be supportive, male partners are told to change the locks.

But at least the legend 'If the genders were reversed...' hasn't been used yet on this thread...

Bloody hell OP. This is tough.

I agree with legal advice and push push push for 50:50 custody.

I think there's a difference though between admitting you have feelings for someone else (whatever the gender) before / instead of acting on then , and saying that you're doing to 'explore' them regardless. The first one is honest, the second one is cruel and fairly selfish - regardless of the gender.

told her he's bi, and he wants to sleep with a man
Well that's not OK either.
Why would it be?
It's cheating, pure and simple.
If you are in a committed, monogamous relationship any cheating with any gender is NOT OK!

Firstly get legal advice, i am afraid this relationship is dead, and if you continue to put up with it your mental health will go the same way as your mothers.

Secondly write out what you wrote in your OP and show it to her, ask her if she thinks it is reasonable. If she agrees it is and she has nothing to be ashamed about. Ask her then if it will be ok to give to the children when they are older so they can understand why their parents split. She needs this reality check.

this whole situation is destroying you and your family.

this sounds awful and I havent read the whole thread, so sorry if this has already been suggested, but have you thought about Relate?
I think they have advice on their website even if you can't get to sessions in person

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I agree with most of the other posters. I don't think this is just a phase at all, it has probably always been there for her, simmering under the surface. Has she ever said anything in the past which has made you think that she may be interested in woman? The fact that she is willing to go through with this tells me that this is very serious for her. It think your best way to snap her out of it if this is at all possible is to do and seel legal advice and have her served with divorce papers. You need to show her that you will not put up with this. It doesn't mean that you have to go through with the divorce, but I think this is your only chance of saving this marriage. That is if you can even get over the fact that she has already cheated on you with another woman. The alternative is staying and living with this for the rest of your life. I don't think this is an option for you. She isn't going to miraculously decide that she doesn't like woman after all.