Wife exploring bisexuality - should I be ok with that ?

[CanIBlameEricaJong]

Sorry for the long post, I don't want to drip-feed.

My wife and I have been married for 15 years and have 3 young dcs, we had both always worked, and having turned 40 my wife decided she wanted to act on the feeling of attraction that she'd started feeling towards women. I feel cold.

Over the summer dw fell a little bit in love with a local mother; unrequited but lots of days/nights out - children forgotten at the school gate - and quite desperate one way affection from my dw.
It became apparent to all this was more than a friendship from dw's perspective but insignificant to the object of her affection. My wife went through a very angry time - shouting at the dc's and me, and our sex life darkened with a kind of aggression I don't enjoy. DW looked unwell, and after visiting the GP she was prescribed anti-depresents and sought counselling.

Fast forward to now - my wife's job has gone - and following counselling she has justified finding a special friend with whom to 'explore' sexually. She has been open with me about the process from going online through to meeting up, finding a woman, and having sex, but I still view this as infidelity and a betrayal. To me it doesn't matter that she's being unfaithful with a woman, unfaithful is unfaithful and gender doesn't matter. But to her this is necessary exploration, and without it she will loose her mind. When I tell her this isn't what I want she tells me that I can find a 'special friend' too but she would find this difficult and that this would truly be infidelity, because anything that another woman could provide she will provide for me. If I 'cheat' she says I would lose the moral high ground. But I don't want another woman, or care about 'being right'.

I feel broken. My father was repeatedly unfaithful to my mother when I was young, it led to my mother dying through an alcohol related illness. I can't repeat this pattern or jeopardise my children.

But I don't want to lose the beautiful lady I have had by my side for nearly half my life, nor see her crushed under the weight of unrecognised sexuality. I feel less - for her, and our marriage - each day she does this, and also lesser myself for accepting it. What can I do ?

she is cheating pure and simple. Kick her out and go get some good legal advice. You deserve better.

Because she's treating you like shit and stomping over the remains of your marriage with gleeful abandon.you are feeling powerless,hence the fixation.

So,first things first -pleasecompile all the evidence you can on her infidelity,aggressive behaviour, lies, etc. Then go to a solicitor

You are worth far more than this.

If you can show she is being abusive you will get legal aid to take her to curt if you cannot afford it.

I agree with pp that sadly she is asking permission for something she is going to do anyway. I can empathise with her in that she probably feels like she is denying part of herself by not exploring a whole facet to her sexuality and emotional life etc, I was there in my early twenties. But, and it's a big but, she is married and has children. If you enter into a monogamous relationship and one of you wants it to remain on those terms, you either stick together because that means more to you, or you leave. She can't force you to change the fundamental nature of your relationship to accommodate her new desires when they are so hurtful to you. She really can't have her cake and eat it. If this splits up your family it is NOT your fault for not allowing her to explore this. It is just the same as any other affair - I imagine a lot of long term relationships hit hard patches and/or one of the couple will have their head turned at some point, but if you value what you have you don't act on it.

Absolutley no way, it's cheating regardless of whether it's with another man or another woman. How would she feel if it was the other way around? That it was you who wanted to explore your sexuality? would she sit back and be fine about it? sorry, OP

What would your reaction be if she was having an affair with another man? Openly and blatantly? Would you still love her? Or would you be getting angry with her and seeking legal advice?

It's exactly the same thing.

She is treating you with appalling disrespect.

How long is she expecting you to accommodate her exploration?

What is she planning if she discovers she is gay? Or that the is hetro? Has she discussed the possible outcomes with you?

OP I just read your update. Wtaf. She is already having an affair? In plain sight? Sorry, I missed that when I was posting. That is so cruel. You need to leave her and not look back.

Because she is cheating and you are discovering the trail of little things that is proving it.

Go and see a sollicitor. Stop telling her what you are planning to do re separating, get your advice and decide what your next steps will be. Very importantly, look at what is important for you (eg the dcs or some financial arrangements) and stick with it.

The best thing you can do is to drive that through. Either she realises that yes she is cheating and she has to make a choice (It could be staying with you) or she doesn't and you know in which direction to go.

[fowers] It must be very hard to be told by your partner that they are cheating but you have to accept it and be happy about it :(

She is cheating. You will never be enough for her, as you can never be a woman. So you either put up with her always having a Woman on the side, or you leave. I know what I would do. You need to find your anger at being treated so appallingly. And she's apparently happy for you to also have an affair? Wtaf? DITCH.

She says she doesn't want to split up or sell the house? Tough, not her choice to make. She has lost her job and been neglectful towards the children for her own selfish reasons. You need to act now to protect yourself and them. Her behaviour seems like it is only going to get worse so she will be giving you all the ammunition you need to get rid.

It's hard because you love her. But consider her behaviour for a minute.
Is she treating you with love or kindness? Is she considering how you feel? Is she considering the impact of her behaviour on the people she loves (including your kids)?

No she is not. She is being utterly selfish and totally disregarding the impact her behaviour is having.

You need to take some control OP, for your kids abd your own mental health. Your marriage is over. She is not the person you fell in love with.

Oh, this is so sad to read, sorry you're going through this. You know it can't go on though.

Wife exploring bisexuality - should I be ok with that?

Well that's really up to you isn't it ?

Sounds like your wife isn't getting what she wants from you sexually or emotionally & checked out of the marriage ages ago - or maybe she's just bored s**tless with you & wants a bit of midlife crisis fun - she could come out the other side embarrassed & regretful & want you back, who knows?
But at least she's being ( kinda ) honest with you so she's doing something right.

If you wouldn't be okay with another man then there's no reason you need to accept her sleeping with a woman! It's not a "lesser" crime. Your whole marriage needs looking at I'm afraid. You're a good man to try and work through this.

Some of the answers here are astonishing.

I wonder if a woman came on here telling everyone her DH was sleeping with another woman people would say things like her DH is obviously not getting what she wants from you so by telling you he is doing something right.

He would be ripped a new arsehole...

But at least she's being ( kinda ) honest with you so she's doing something right

If honesty means changing the goalposts of your marriage so you can cheat and then telling your DH to like it or lump it, then I don't see how honesty is any kind of virtue on this context.

She has been honest - she's told him what she's doing so it's up to him where he goes from here.

Well apart from lying to him last night!!!!
I've no doubt there will be more lies to uncover in the near future.

SurferJet's response typifies why I feel shame about this.
And I agree - a poster suggesting an unfaithful guy did what he did because he was bored /wasn't getting what he needed at home would be flamed.

I'm going to say something, it may be put of order and if it is I apologise.

She doesn't want to leave the kids or the house but is engaging in activity that is frankly beyond the pale. I fear she is pushing OP out and she wants him to pack up and leave. That way she gets the house and the kids and gets her "D"H out and it was his choice to leave.
Almost like she basically wants him in a bedit paying for her life and kids. Iyswim.

IF I were the OP. As soon s she leaves I would change the locks, inform her she is no longer welcome in the house and that legal proceedings have commenced with divorce and visitation orders for her to see the children.

Kinda stereotypical flip of the woman kicking the man out iyswim?.

I don't think "should I be ok with that?" Is the question you should be asking. You're not ok with that. You're hurt and upset (and I would be too).

She is being unfaithful but dressing it up as "I'm telling you most of what's going on, and she has a vagina, so it doesn't count as real cheating, this is about finding myself". Which is rubbish.

So if you decided you wanted to sleep with someone else that would be ok? I know she says that she can satisfy all your needs from a woman, but there are plenty of differences that she won't be able to cover. What if you had a desperate urge to sleep with a woman of another race, is that allowed? What about a woman who is happy to do sexual acts that your dw isn't in to? Does that make it ok?

Of course it doesn't, because that's not the point. You've both agreed to a monogamous relationship. You both agreed to be faithful to each other. She's now added some fine print to that, "I only have to be faithful with the opposite sex, dh isn't interested in men, but he's allowed to, so it's fair".

The weird thing is her pretending that this is not a change to the deal. That you should be fine with it.

She is cheating. It's up to you how you respond. I couldn't be in a relationship with a cheat.

Follow the advice about seeing a lawyer. Don't doubt that your feelings are valid in this. I'm sorry you're going through it

Jesus this is awful.

You don't have to put up with this, and you don't have to listen to her.

Your wishes have been dismissed completely by her, and in doing that she gave up any right she had to have her wishes respected.

I worry that the longer you put up with this and the longer you stay, the more you will internalise it and see it as some kind of reflection of you. It isn't. She sounds unstable, and abusive.

Which is also why, in your position, there is no way I would be leaving the kids with her. They need stability and her ability to provide it doesn't feel secure.

Seek legal advice and work out how to move forward without her.

So then Surfer what she is doing is OK and justified???
In your book????

op has no legal right to change the locks.

Feeling shame is sadly normal when spouses cheat. But really, the shame isn't yours.