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Original poster

So...what to do...holiday related....

130 replies

pinkpeter1 · 30/03/2016 22:09

I've posted about my dh before, he is very difficult to live with, I struggle every day, but for now, I am staying. (Previous thread, "living with a 12 year old", in anyone cares to remember).

So, my problem is summer holidays are approaching and the children are expecting a summer holiday. I spent our last summer holiday googling divorce lawyers as I hated every minute I had to spend with him. He alternated between speaking in a baby voice and pretending everything was fine and trying to suck up to me, and being a nasty bastard and telling me off, snapping and complaining at me. Our last day, we were waiting in the hotel foyer and he went to get the suitcases from the luggage room, leaving his plastic bag on the table with a t shirt in he had bought that morning, that he had been carrying. The taxi arrived, and I got the kids, got their bags and my bag and went to get on the bus. He brought the suitcases out and then got in. Then he noticed he didn't have his plastic bag and went ballistic at me, shouting at me in front of the kids and the driver, why didn't I pick it up, he was doing the suitcases , what was the matter with me, etc. I defended myself and said I was getting the kids on board with their stuff etc, I wasn't carrying it, I hadn't noticed it. It was a small thing, but the shouting was just ridiculous. He then of course, did his usual of sulking and not speaking, and I was so upset I was almost crying.

So, given that he is only able to be in a nice mood when everything is going his way and nothing is expected of him, the holiday problem is worrying me. When we go to an airport, he constantly walks off, leaves me to sort out out young doc, with their trunkis, not helping with escalators or buses to the plane unless I shout him back, constantly, every five minutes. He was nasty for no reason when we were going through customs, speaking to me so dispicably with such a nasty look and tone, that I don't want to do this anymore. He's done it every time for years, he just can't help himself. I don't want to be travelling with him in that way, and I don't want to be stuck in a small hotel room with him and two doc where I cannot escape and be in my own. I have to ask him every time to help with one kid while I do the other, help one kid get their meal from the buffet, etc etc.

I know it sounds bad, but at hipome I can disappear off to my bedroom, or leave him sulking in his study while me and the kids do other stuff. I can get away basically but on holiday I am stuffed. I don't know what do do, I am thinking a drive to a holiday in France, or Devon or somewhere, in a villa where there are several rooms, so I can leave him to it if need be. He's bound to kick off and sulk at some point, I am just thinking how can I manage this bad situation. Other than LTB, preferably, as I don't feel I can do that right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkpeter1 · 31/03/2016 20:30

After not speaking to me all today, he wants to discuss it and why I am sorry horrible to him. He swears blind he didn't know where the sheets are because I am the housekeeper and he doesn't know my routine.
After I corrected him that I am not the housekeeper, I told him I don't have a routine. I don't rotate where the sheets go every 4 months. They stay in the same place that they've been in for 10 years. Anyway, he then said he doesn't remember these manual trivial things, he has far more important things to remember.
I told him I don't believe him. He said he isn't lying this time, I said given his history of lying, which is immense, he should remember the story of the boy who called wolf and I don't believe him and didn't want to talk to him anymore. He said so that it? I just said yes, I'd rather watch the tv, it's more interesting than talking to him.

At least I am going to work tomorrow and so won't be sulked at all day.

Holiday wise, I am going to ask my parents what they are doing and my best friend to see if something can be planned.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/03/2016 20:31

Grim

Utterly grim

You have one life, OP, and this is how you choose to live it ? Pitiful.

Peppaismyhomegirl · 31/03/2016 20:33

I would say DH and I have a healthy marriage and love eachother very much. I will never go on another holiday with him and the kids again after last years nightmare, and it was actually decent compared to your story just not relaxing and a waste of money with hot stupid arguments thrown in for good measure. Why do it to yourself? Don't bother going on one take the kids on a weekend away to. Theme park in the uk and take yourself on a weekend break!

Peppaismyhomegirl · 31/03/2016 20:37

Oh and after reading your other posts- DH is my second DH. I left knobhead dh1 because of similar behaviour to what you have written. I can't put this strongly enough....

It was the greatest thing I ever did. I am alive again! The relief was incredible and the person I became without him enables me to have a healthy relationship and my children see what that is and how to love properly. Please leave, don't look back. It will be incredible in the long run

Costacoffeeplease · 31/03/2016 20:40

What a complete cock he is

LindyHemming · 31/03/2016 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy · 31/03/2016 21:19

My love, do you know why his previous wife left him in the seemingly callous way that she did?

Because there was nothing else she could do.

It was same time line in terms of the kids, and I am willing to bet that he's had all of the conversations he's having with you before.

I bet he screamed about leaving to the dsc too. That's why she had to flit the way she did.

Staying longer than her does not make you better than her, it makes more damage to you and the dc and takes longer to Unravel.

You have rights as your married. Know your position.

Take the money for a holiday and put it down as a rental deposit for a flat.

Hissy · 31/03/2016 21:20

Do not leave the dc behind.

Hissy · 31/03/2016 22:03

Sorry. You're married. Not your.

Original poster
pinkpeter1 · 31/03/2016 22:06

Yes, I agree with you hissy. Before I thought it was terrible, now I know exactly why she did it. He brought her home a bar of chocolate as they had had a row, this is what he's told me, and she had gone.

I don't know whether to set it out in very clear terms what is unacceptable. But I think at the end of the day it might be prolonging the agony. I just wish he wasn't like this.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/03/2016 22:11
Flowers

Start a new thread if need be. If you want advice and support people will do their best to help you see the wood from the trees.

He will have to pay maintenance, you will get a claim on the house, you will survive financially and you will all be free from his moods, nastiness and treating you like lesser being who is there to deal with the menial tasks. Hugs x

Hissy · 31/03/2016 22:38

My love, it doesn't matter if you hire Piccadilly Circus and have it spelled out for him in garish neon, take out a full page ad in all the newspapers, he has lost his first family because of how he is, and he still hasn't changed.

No letter will make any difference, it's an exercise in futility and will just drag you down further.

Go and work out what you'd be entitled to, both from him and from the govt. know your situation first and foremost. Anything you have bought as a couple is jointly owned. You have a right to half his pension etc.

I know you feel like you have to keep trying, but if he hasn't learned to be a merely passable partner by now. It's never going to happen. Don't waste any more of your life on him.

Hissy · 31/03/2016 22:40

We all know you wish he wasn't like this. I wish he wasn't like this.

But love, we can't will someone to be nice if they are not.

Lovely thought though... Wouldn't it be great if there were no need for the Relationships board :)

nicenewdusters · 31/03/2016 23:09

You don't need to set anything out to him, or explain anything. You know why you can't live with him anymore, that's enough. He'll never agree with what you present him with, he'll just lie and mess with your head. You don't need to excuse yourself from your marriage.

There are so many heart breaking posts on here from people who suffered as your children must be doing. Even if you feel you don't deserve to be free of him, you know they do.

CrikeyPeg · 01/04/2016 00:19

pinkpeter1 Wed 30-Mar-16 23:14:50
I'm still with him cos it will be a failure to split up, cos I don't wants to disrupt the children and cos most of the time it's bearable. I said for better or worse...

You're condemning your children to the same marriage, in the same way you were shaped by your parents marriage.

I thought about leaving for over two years before I finally did it. I had a big wobble the morning I left and almost stayed, but I just couldn't face the rest of my life as it was then. That was over 15 years ago. I only realised a week or so ago if I had stayed I would probably be dead.

Isetan · 01/04/2016 17:38

You're staying because your embarrassed to admit that your marriage is a sham.
You're staying because of what others think.
You're staying because you don't want to be blamed for leaving.
You're staying because you scared about being a single parent and the unknown.
What you're not doing, is staying for the emotional wellbeing of your kids because deep down you know that the constant exposure of your abusive and dysfunctional relationship is hurting them. Your children appear ok (for now) because this is their norm and they have no power to change it.

The first step is to be honest with yourself because as noble as 'staying for the kids' sounds, It isn't true.

Original poster
pinkpeter1 · 01/04/2016 19:01

Isetan, you are completely right. Every time I read this thread I know everyone is correct. When I step away from it I feel paralysed by fear. As it now April, I will be doing my end of year accounts soon, I am self employed. I am going to work out what I may be entitled to and see what the gov website says.

OP posts:
Hissy · 02/04/2016 10:21

I think that's a very positive move love. This awakening process is slow and painful, but it always leads to a better place.

Knowledge is power. If you know what you can do for yourself, and what you need to do to achieve your goals, or even just a more comfortable position, the empowerment will help focus and drive you

violetbunny · 02/04/2016 10:55

You can do this OP.
Also I would recommend you read "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft. I think it will help shed some light on your DH's behaviour.

AyeAmarok · 02/04/2016 11:09

Oh, he says, he is thinking about other things when we are shopping. He lives on a higher plane.

I actually cannot believe he said this sentence.

You are definitely doing the right thing OP.

Inertia · 02/04/2016 11:39

I can't really add to what other posters have said, but I think you're wise to get professional advice in advance of making plans to leave. Your husband will almost certainly use aggression and the children to try to frighten you into giving up what's yours.

It must be infuriating to live with someone so self-important that no only will he refuse to do any menial work, he also refuses to do any menial thinking.

Scarydinosaurs · 02/04/2016 11:50

Do what his ex did and just do a flit.

This man is killing your life with his negativity. Leave him.

ForalltheSaints · 02/04/2016 12:27

Have you relatives a distance away you could visit? That he would not want to go to so you go with just the children?

Original poster
pinkpeter1 · 02/04/2016 16:03

Yes, he I do have relatives and that is what I might do.
Yes. He has said several times he lives on a higher plane and he doesn't have the time or energy to deal with trivial things like shopping or washing. That's why he has me, obviously.

He is on a charm offensive at the moment as I send him a link to a blog of a guy whose wife left him.... he hasn't replied. He brought me some chocolate and has just hung up the washing, he hasn't done that unasked, ever.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 02/04/2016 17:06

You might have him running scared now but he'll revert to type once he believes his precious family set-up is no longer at risk. Please don't be fooled. This prick has form, as you are well-aware. He'll not change as he can't, and very likely doesn't see the need. "Higher plane"! God, I'd like to give him such a slap for that. How bloody dare he! You are his maid-servant and he doesn't need to contribute anything other than his (poisonous) presence. Fuck him!

Make your investigations and plans quietly and discretely. It's entirely likely that given half of your home's equity plus child-support from him (not taken into consideration when applying for benefits should you need them) you'll probably be able to manage alone perfectly well. Just think of how fine the peace and lack of stress for you and the children will be. That's worth more than millions in the bank, it really is.

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