So...what to do...holiday related....

[pinkpeter1]

I've posted about my dh before, he is very difficult to live with, I struggle every day, but for now, I am staying. (Previous thread, "living with a 12 year old", in anyone cares to remember).

So, my problem is summer holidays are approaching and the children are expecting a summer holiday. I spent our last summer holiday googling divorce lawyers as I hated every minute I had to spend with him. He alternated between speaking in a baby voice and pretending everything was fine and trying to suck up to me, and being a nasty bastard and telling me off, snapping and complaining at me. Our last day, we were waiting in the hotel foyer and he went to get the suitcases from the luggage room, leaving his plastic bag on the table with a t shirt in he had bought that morning, that he had been carrying. The taxi arrived, and I got the kids, got their bags and my bag and went to get on the bus. He brought the suitcases out and then got in. Then he noticed he didn't have his plastic bag and went ballistic at me, shouting at me in front of the kids and the driver, why didn't I pick it up, he was doing the suitcases , what was the matter with me, etc. I defended myself and said I was getting the kids on board with their stuff etc, I wasn't carrying it, I hadn't noticed it. It was a small thing, but the shouting was just ridiculous. He then of course, did his usual of sulking and not speaking, and I was so upset I was almost crying.

So, given that he is only able to be in a nice mood when everything is going his way and nothing is expected of him, the holiday problem is worrying me. When we go to an airport, he constantly walks off, leaves me to sort out out young doc, with their trunkis, not helping with escalators or buses to the plane unless I shout him back, constantly, every five minutes. He was nasty for no reason when we were going through customs, speaking to me so dispicably with such a nasty look and tone, that I don't want to do this anymore. He's done it every time for years, he just can't help himself. I don't want to be travelling with him in that way, and I don't want to be stuck in a small hotel room with him and two doc where I cannot escape and be in my own. I have to ask him every time to help with one kid while I do the other, help one kid get their meal from the buffet, etc etc.

I know it sounds bad, but at hipome I can disappear off to my bedroom, or leave him sulking in his study while me and the kids do other stuff. I can get away basically but on holiday I am stuffed. I don't know what do do, I am thinking a drive to a holiday in France, or Devon or somewhere, in a villa where there are several rooms, so I can leave him to it if need be. He's bound to kick off and sulk at some point, I am just thinking how can I manage this bad situation. Other than LTB, preferably, as I don't feel I can do that right now.

[jclm]

Sometimes we split the holidays in our house. rather than the 4 of us going on the same holiday together, we split up, so I take one child on holiday and hubby takes the other somewhere different on holiday. We don't do it all the time but it works well and each child gets quality time with a parent. X

[afussyphase]

And get some of his dreadful behaviour on video. Keep it. Show it to your family when you need their support.

[Canyouforgiveher]

Of course he can help himself.

If I were you I would not go on holidays with him. I would bring my children on a holiday either on my own, with friends or with my parents.

But of course you know that holidays are the least of your problems.

I can guarantee you that driver went home that evening and said to his or her spouse/mother/friend "you won't believe the asshole I had in the car today, he was a shit to his wife and she just took it-it was unbelievable" The customs person probably said the same. They both said "and those kids acted like it was perfectly normal too"

Why are you living like this?

[RandomMess]

My DC have never had a holiday because we couldn't particularly afford it. I just wouldn't have one.

He can take his annual leave at a different time to you, take the DC to visit relatives without him etc.

Log term you do need to LTB the fact that his behaviour is awful at home but there you can escape from it speaks volumes! Your poor DC thinking that is all they deserve from their dad.

[pinkpeter1]

He suggested we don't go away when I said I didn't want a repeat of last year. I just don't want to disappoint my dc. He will still go away, cos he'll take his own dc away, my step kids.

I'll miss out, as ever....

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I repeat, why are you and he still together at all.

the holiday is the very least of your problems here when it comes to him.

[RandomMess]

So he goes away with his older DC whilst you go away with the younger DC?

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Well at least he didn't make a false promise about it being different.

This is your lot, I'm afraid. You can go away with him and know that it will be like it was (maybe plan to do all the kids yourself and see if you can make your life a bit easier?) or you can not go and avoid the atmosphere but not have a holiday.

I'd leave, if it was me, life is too short. Plenty of people don't, though. It's just sad that he takes over so much of your life, thst you have to live around his moods. As your children get older, they'll hate that too. Or they'll become carbon copies of him and run riot too.

I'd go with a separate holiday whilst he's taken his step kids if that was the only option that didn't mean going with him or missing out entirely.

[pinkpeter1]

I'm still with him cos it will be a failure to split up, cos I don't wants to disrupt the children and cos most of the time it's bearable. I said for better or worse...

[Chlobee87]

Oh wow. This was more or less my experience of my parents growing up. I know you've said you don't want to leave at the moment and you've obviously got your reasons for that but please don't stay for your childrens' sake.

My mum thinks she stayed because it was better for us. This is bullshit. We were not happy. We spent our childhoods walking on eggshells because my dad had a vicious temper, and watching our mum get treated like dirt. She stayed because she was scared to be alone and felt vulnerable since my dad was bringing in the money.

The effects of our upbringing are still with us today in various ways and we all have a very strange relationship with my dad. They separated anyway in the end (or rather my dad did a disappearing act after we were all adults and had left home) and now my mum feels that she's too old to start again.

Anyway, my point is that you shouldn't buy into the 'stay together for the kids' line of thinking because in my experience it doesn't shield them at all. Not that I have any clue whether this is why you're staying or not, just my two cents. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best because this situation you're in sounds miserable

[MorrisZapp]

Do you feel that being shouted at in taxis is a success? Sounds bloody awful to me. The failure here is your failure to take control of your own and your children's happiness.
Are you staying with this horror out of embarrassment? You only get one life pet.

[pinkpeter1]

Thank you chlobee, I appreciate your honesty. I feel awful though, that the decision I am making at the moment that I think is the best one will ultimately be the wrong one.
I just don't know what is the best thing to do.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

HE also said for better of worse and he has actively trampled over your marriage vows.

yours is a marriage in name only now. You are doing your bit here to show your children that this is acceptable to you on some level so they could well go onto repeat this in their adult lives as well. Is that the legacy you want to leave your children?.

He is the one who has fiailed here by being abusive, it is a fallacy to think that you would fail your children if you were to leave their dad.

How much of your marriage is actually bearable, I would think that none of it is at all bearable now.

I asked you earlier what you get out of this relationship now, you have not answered that question which should tell you volumes.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He is probably nice to you sometimes or when it suits him to be so but the nasty comes along soon afterwards as it always would do with someone like him.

Do you really think that y and your children deserve no better because you are also teaching them that damaging lesson as well, this will continue to be their norm too.

[pinkpeter1]

No, I don't feel its success. Thanks, I am crying now. I think I don't know what to do. People think I boss him around. He acts like a baby. He doesn't do anything unless he is asked numerous times. He shouts at the kids constantly. They forgive him effortlessly. He teaches them bad things, they already know at 5 years old that daddy does naughty things. It's all wrong I know.

Tonight he got the youngest ds5 ready for bed. I had taken his sheets off to wash and not yet put clean ones in, three times in the past he has put him to bed with no sheets, as he 'didn't notice'. At least ten times I have told him where the sheets are. The last two times this happened we had a row as he stands in the doorway and asks where the sheets are. They are in the same place they have been for the last 10 years since we moved into this house and the same place I have told him the last 10 times he asked, the last two times we rowed as I said, I've told you now, again, listen, remember, you need never ask me again. It's ridiculous. So tonight, he stands in the living room again and asks where are the sheets. I just can't believe we are having this conversation again!!, again!!! After last time, so even the kids are saying where they are and I am saying again, can you write it on a post it note if it is that complicated to remember! This man is in a very professional job! He's gone to bed sulking and not speaking to me and I am left thinking why does he act like this. Surely he cannot forget, even the 5 year old knows where they are and he has never been told! This man has been instructed so many times I have lost count and yet again, he can't remember.

[AnyFucker]

You just can't help some people

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

All your husband cares about is him. You and these children mean nothing to him.

WHo are these people you refer to who thinks you boss him around. Is that what he tells you.

He has you all on a tight leash and things are not going to get any better for you as long as you remain married to him. That is a fact.

It is perhaps only when you are divorced from him will you realise the full extent of his power and control over you all.

[pinkpeter1]

What about for better or worse? Marriage vows i meant?

I am so scared of being on my own and providing for my children on my own. I have never done it .

[Birthgeek]

Sounds like my father. I wish every day my mum had LTB. She didn't want to disrupt us, waited until we were much older, but our childhoods were ruined by that point.

[Birthgeek]

Better or worse is a crock of shit. Divorce exists for a reason.

[Hillfarmer]

I'm still with him cos it will be a failure to split up, cos I don't wants to disrupt the children and cos most of the time it's bearable. I said for better or worse...

It makes me so sad to read this. It is so, so much the worst reason ever for staying with an emotionally abusive man. Any man. Living with him is no good for them. Watching him treat you with vile contempt is absolutely no good for them. And it is scary witnessing his anger. They need to know that his behaviour is unacceptable, not something you just put up with. Like Attila says, HE has failed this marriage, he's destroyed his vows and trashed your relationship since he shows you so little respect. The good bits really do not matter when you have this level of contempt and hostility when he is bad.

I am writing this when I really should be in bed. I am taking my 2 dcs off on holiday at crack of dawn tomorrow. Driving to the airport at 4am. Ugh. It is the first time I have flown anywhere with them on my own since I separated from my nasty, emotionally abusive, and now ex, husband. I am looking forward to having a wonderful time with them. It will be knackering - usually Granny comes too and it's nice to have another adult around - but I will be bloody sure to have a nice time. I used to have those experiences of being shouted at in hotel foyers or ignored for some unknowable misdemeanour in the beach bar. I know will never, never, never have to be subjected to that kind of shit ever again. Neither should you.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He said those marriage vows too and they mean nothing to him. Marriage vows count for nothing when you are being abused and you are not the only one being affected by his abuse of you here.

What is so scary about being on your own with your children?. perhaps if you can articulate your fears they can be broken down further. You are pretty much on your own now within this marriage, he is no support to you at all is he.

What you are expereiencing here is a slow emotional death and that is far worse than actually leaving. Think about the person you were to the person you are now, you are likely to be a shadow of your former self.

[pinkpeter1]

It's true Attila, I am very different now. I feel that I am a miserable cow a lot of the time, moaning and nagging just to get some help nearing equality. Today I have been at work and he is on annual leave. I stop work, sort out the washing, make some biscuits and then sit down for half an hour before starting dinner. He waltzes in and asks where my dinner? Tbf he did take the doc to the cinema this morning, but it doesn't occur to him he could volunteer to do dinner.

This has turned into a moaning session instead of practical holiday solutions. I think him taking his doc and me taking my dc is something I will just suggest and hope he'll give me some money towards it. I can predict that conversation already though, if he ain't going, he ain't paying. And he earns at 5 times more than me. Anyway, that might be the way forward.

It takes guts to change this situation and I don't know if I can do it just yet.

[liletsthepink]

I've got some friends who have a similar marriage to you, OP. Everyone around them is fully aware that the husband is horrible to his wife and is a nasty, moody asshole. Just because nobody says anything to you, it doesn't mean that people don't know what is going on. Your friends and family can probably see how unhappy you are and would want to support you when you decide to LTB.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Doing nothing now is not an option, you have your children to consider as well.

you have a choice re this man, they do not. they have to follow your lead.