So...what to do...holiday related....

[pinkpeter1]

I've posted about my dh before, he is very difficult to live with, I struggle every day, but for now, I am staying. (Previous thread, "living with a 12 year old", in anyone cares to remember).

So, my problem is summer holidays are approaching and the children are expecting a summer holiday. I spent our last summer holiday googling divorce lawyers as I hated every minute I had to spend with him. He alternated between speaking in a baby voice and pretending everything was fine and trying to suck up to me, and being a nasty bastard and telling me off, snapping and complaining at me. Our last day, we were waiting in the hotel foyer and he went to get the suitcases from the luggage room, leaving his plastic bag on the table with a t shirt in he had bought that morning, that he had been carrying. The taxi arrived, and I got the kids, got their bags and my bag and went to get on the bus. He brought the suitcases out and then got in. Then he noticed he didn't have his plastic bag and went ballistic at me, shouting at me in front of the kids and the driver, why didn't I pick it up, he was doing the suitcases , what was the matter with me, etc. I defended myself and said I was getting the kids on board with their stuff etc, I wasn't carrying it, I hadn't noticed it. It was a small thing, but the shouting was just ridiculous. He then of course, did his usual of sulking and not speaking, and I was so upset I was almost crying.

So, given that he is only able to be in a nice mood when everything is going his way and nothing is expected of him, the holiday problem is worrying me. When we go to an airport, he constantly walks off, leaves me to sort out out young doc, with their trunkis, not helping with escalators or buses to the plane unless I shout him back, constantly, every five minutes. He was nasty for no reason when we were going through customs, speaking to me so dispicably with such a nasty look and tone, that I don't want to do this anymore. He's done it every time for years, he just can't help himself. I don't want to be travelling with him in that way, and I don't want to be stuck in a small hotel room with him and two doc where I cannot escape and be in my own. I have to ask him every time to help with one kid while I do the other, help one kid get their meal from the buffet, etc etc.

I know it sounds bad, but at hipome I can disappear off to my bedroom, or leave him sulking in his study while me and the kids do other stuff. I can get away basically but on holiday I am stuffed. I don't know what do do, I am thinking a drive to a holiday in France, or Devon or somewhere, in a villa where there are several rooms, so I can leave him to it if need be. He's bound to kick off and sulk at some point, I am just thinking how can I manage this bad situation. Other than LTB, preferably, as I don't feel I can do that right now.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would also think that he does not give you full and equal access to money either does he?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Where is your get up and go here pinkpeter?. he has not completely sucked you dry yet because you have posted here and you know that his treatment of you is wrong as well as affecting your children.

You get nothing from this relationship do you?, Staying is a lot harder than leaving in the long run. What do you want your children to remember about their childhoods?

[pinkpeter1]

He is very selective about money, we have separate accounts. I do have my own money as I work and that isnt a problem. As we are not eligible for child benefit, when the rules changed he said I should stop getting it. I said if he wants he to then he can give me the equivalent every month which he does do. I pay for food and shopping and kids clothes, shoes , my stuff , haircuts etc. School dinners and everything domestic, mobile phone. He pays for house and bills, so he isn't abusive in that way. He will niggle every single I time I say, can you pick up some bread or something, where's the money then, give me the money. But he didn't want to get a joint account when we married as he didn't want my input on what he spends and nor do i want his.

You say consider the children, but how do I know the real impact on them? And if we split up, what will that do to them?

[antimatter]

What's missing here is OP telling us that they share bills 50:50 with him taking home at least 4x what she does.

[StopLaughingDrRoss]

So he's financially abusive too

PinkPeter - you deserve better... so so much better!

I'm a lone parent and it's daunting at times - it really is - but like so many things in life, once you try it, it's amazing how easy it all is.

I spent the first 6 months a nervous wreck but I am now so much more confident than I ever thought possible, my DC are happy and I have control over my life without having to parent a fully grown man...

You could do it - never choice unhappiness over uncertainty

[pinkpeter1]

No, he does probably spend 4 times what I do as I am very frugal.

i am too scared of being in my own. That sounds ridiculous as anyone in my family would say I am the bolshy one and I would be the first to complain in a restaurant if something was rubbish, but this is different. The stakes are so much higher.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I thought he was also financially abusive as well. these men often use different and multiple types of abuse on their targeted victims.

what do you think your children will remember about their own childhoods, your relationship with them in the long run could become very much damaged if you choose to stay with this man. They will perhaps wonder of you why you put him first before them.

what do you think your children are learning about relationship now from you both., I asked you earlier what you learnt about relationships when growing up, did you see this type of behaviour too?

[PrancingQueen]

In what way?
The odds are that your children will be more damaged the longer you stay with him, than if you leave.
It's not as if they'll never see him unfortunately
You can't control his abusive behaviour, but you can make damn sure that your kids are not witnessing it, or watching their mother put up with it.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You are pretty much alone now within your marriage, it is far more awful to stay with someone like this individual. staying for the chidren is never a good idea anyway as it teaches them that a loveless marriage is their normal as well.

What is so bad about being on your own anyway?.

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

There will be some effect on the dc if you split. Some of that effect may, in the short term feel terrible. Generally though it will give them a calmer, healthier environment and hugely help them in later life.
Your DH is absolutely at liberty to pursue a happy relationship with his dc from this marriage. My db is divorced and has a solid, happy relationship with his dc.
You might stop facilitating their relationship but it is up to him as their parent to manage his relationship with them. He's a grown up, professional person so there's no excuse. He's had practice too...

[pinkpeter1]

Attila, my mother and father are very traditional and old fashioned. She does everything, he does what he wants. She gives in so he doesn't get cross.

I don't remember too much of my child hood, just having a rather domineering father who is a bit like that now. He says I am too bossy and should stop telling my dh what to do. I answer back I wouldn't need to to if he actually did anything. He says I treat him like a baby, I say he acts like a baby.

My dh actually said that the day, how can I act like an adult when you treat me like a child. I blew up, what do you mean? I act like an adult all the time, no matter how people treat me or what they say, my response it always that of an adult. How can that be your argument , seriously! He tells me off for telling what to do, and in the very next sentence he will ask me what to do. What he should do. It's exhausting.

[pinkpeter1]

I am going to sleep now, any more comments I will read and answer tomorrow. Thanks to everyone for their time and comments.

[CocktailQueen]

What a lazy fuckwit your husband is! Am angry for you just reading this!

LTB.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I thought you had learnt a lot of damaging stuff about relationships when growing up.

your mother in particular taught you a lot of damaging stuff and you are simply now repeating what she did with her own husband. you basically went onto choose someone like your dad for a male role model.

His arguments are simply designed to keep you on the back foot and he will simply give you spaghetti head if you give his words any house room. He knows full well what he is doing, it is all part of his power and control abusive behaviours over you.

[janaus]

Why don't you try a more local holiday, at some holiday destination, but that doesnt involve airports, etc. Might cut down on the stress.
Find a place where you can each do your own thing.

[nicenewdusters]

I remember your previous thread OP, it made me furious on your behalf.

Attila has, as ever, given you some excellent advice. Do you think you are worth enough to consider any of it ? My guess is no. Your husband has utterly abused you -as his wife, his children's mother, a woman and an autonomous individual.

It doesn't matter what your parents think.

It doesn't matter if everyone thinks he's charm on a stick.

So you went through a marriage ceremony, so what ? It clearly means nothing to him. He doesn't respect you or treat you as an equal.

So you decide to give your life - your one precious life - to this bully. Why ? So as not to have "failed". Also, on the off-chance that your children's lives will be less affected by living with a controlling, childish, bad-tempered bully, than by you leaving him and giving them the life they deserve - and that you deserve ?

He knows exactly what he's doing to you. Can you imagine him not knowing where something is in his office after 10 years, if it's never moved ? "Oh boss, can you just remind me where the photocopier is again ?" The message he's sending you is that knowing where the sheets are is YOUR job, it's menial and unimportant, he has greater things to concentrate on. He earns 4 times as much as you and has to focus on being charming and witty to the outside world. He'd rather his child slept on a bare mattress than consider their needs or helping run his own household.

I'm going to be harsh now, but is this a reasonable prediction for your future? Both his and your parents have passed away. Your children have grown up and left home. You barely see them because they bear so much resentment for the atmosphere in which they grew up. But of course they take it out on you, not their dad, because they're too scared of him. He then leaves you and moves on. How much of that won't feel like a failure compared to leaving now ?

I do know how incredibly hard it is to decide to leave. But nothing you will have to face will be worse than what you are living through now. Do not let him steal your life, there won't be a medal at the end.

[Canyouforgiveher]

For better or worse means whether life throws shit or roses at you, you muddle and battle through together, on the same team.

It does NOT mean "I will put up with the worst you choose to deal out to me"

[Glastokitty]

Your poor bloody kids. You have a choice to live like this, they don't. My mum left my dad when I was eight and took me with her, and I'm so glad she did even though I loved my dad. You are teaching your children that this is acceptable behaviour, do you want them to grow up and replicate your relationship? Because they will. For what its worth I grew up to have a great relationship with my dad, which would never have happened if we hadn't left him. And for better or for worse doesn't mean you should put up with being treated like shit, it means you should pull together through good times and bad. That isn't what is happening in your marriage. The holiday is the least of your worries, you need to get away from this horrible excuse for a man and save yourself and your children from a lifetime of misery.

[Bogeyface]

For better or for worse are vows you both made.

All I can see is that he is getting the better and you are getting the worse.

If you read your marriage vows (assuming you married in church) it says

I, N , take you, N ,
to be my wife,
to have and to hold
from this day forward;
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,


Doesnt sound like he is doing much loving and cherishing to me. He made vows too. It takes two to make a marriage but only one to break it, and he broke it. You cant fix it on your own. And you say "failed", this is his failure, not yours.

[VegasIsBest]

Pink peter I feel really sad reading this thread. I hope you're ok as what started as a question about holidays has turned into so much more for you.

Please remember that you only live once. What a tragedy if you waste your youth and happiness in this way. Please put yourself first - it would be a sign of strength not weakness to walk away from this unhappy marriage. And your kids will thank you in the long run as this must be affecting them too.

Wishing you strength and the chance to move on and find happiness. You deserve it.

[Costacoffeeplease]

This is really shocking to read, you're probably so used to it that you can't see just how bad this is. Your poor kids, do you want a daughter to choose a similar man for a partner, or for a son to treat his partner like this? Because that's what you're doing, and I know it's hard but you can't continue like this. Out of interest, you say you have step children? Why did his relationship with their mother finish?

[Costacoffeeplease]

And of course he knows where the sheets are - he's doing this on purpose and revelling in your distress and confusion - how fucking dare he - HOW FUCKING DARE HE?? And now your children are involved in the 'hunt the sheets' fiasco and your child's bedtime is disturbed all because your abusive husband won't go and get some sheets!!! Jeez

[pinkpeter1]

Canyouforgiveher... What you said really struck a chord with me, it's true.

Costacoffeeplease... I imagine his previous marriage ended because of the same reasons, she left him one day while he was at work. He came home one day and she had gone and taken the kids and left. They were similiar ages my two are now, a little younger.

Nicenewdusters, you are right, that is what I don't understand. After 10 years and not just numerous conversations about, but several rows about the sheets, of all things, he still chooses to say he doesn't know where they are. I just don't know why he does it. He doesn't do it at work, so there must be a reason why. He is very emotionally unintelligent, little empathy, doesn't rush to cuddle the dc if they fall over. It's interesting you say he considers it menial and beneath him. You are right. We were shopping once and I said he you checked the eggs aren't broken. No, why would he? Cos I reminded him that you have to do that or you might buy broken ones. Oh, he says, he is thinking about other things when we are shopping. He lives on a higher plane. He literally said that. He lives on a higher plane ....and these idiotic things are so unimportant he must be bothered by them.

A holiday abroad is looking more and more unlikely I feel. And little things you have said have chipped away at my resolve to stay.

[Joysmum]

It is our job as parents to teach our kids how to be happy healthy adults.

A marriage should be an equal partnership that makes both better and happier people than if they weren't together.

If they aren't happier and if there is inequality, the parents are providing that as the model relationship to be aspired to, and that they should put up and shut up with anything their partner throws at the because nothing changes anyway and that's all they deserve.

[Costacoffeeplease]

Yes it seems likely he was as much of an arse to her as he is to you - that's not a surprise

I'm just imagining if my husband repeatedly came and asked me where the sheets were? I'd tell him the first time, rip the piss out of him the second time, and there wouldn't be a third

He's doing it to make the point that you hadn't put clean sheets on - that's all - a whole lot of drama to put you in your place - in the wrong