The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Springing Into Some Warmer Weather, Staying Sober Togeher

[Mouseface]

Hi, tis me, Mouse

Welcome to the Bus. We're delighted to have you here :) Not because if you're new to the Babes you are here for help, but because we welcome every kind of drinker. And for all of the reasons life throws at you.

Those that do drink, those that don't drink and of course those who do but don't want to say just how much..............

We've all had our own personal Groundhog Day , some still are and don't want to remain trapped in the same cycle day in, day out, and some still are and want to be which is fine and why we're here.

To talk, to listen, to just be us, like you are YOU. You never know, one day you might just want to wake up on a different day? :) There's no judging here, no 'sides.

After all, something made you click on and read this :)

Come say hi! We even do & if you're super quick!!

And if you want to see what we got up to in the last thread, have a look RIGHT HERE

And this is where our adventure began, almost six years ago now!!

ALMOST SIX YEARS AGO...........

Thank you claret elba ma and will, it's lovely to be back.

When I first started posted I was drinking a bottle and a half of wine every night, more at the weekend and I remember thinking I wasn't a binge drinker!!!! I actually thought that because I didn't go out and dance on tables and fall out of my top that I wasn't as bad as some posters, how bloody mental is that, I'm so sad to think back to that time. I was suffering with PND, I was lonely, hugely sad, sick with anxiety and totally baffled as to why??? Why wasn't I happy with my outwardly good life, I was absolutely terrified I would never feel like me again and I hated myself for being so weak. I now realise my journey into my bipolar world was in full swing but the wine calmed my highs and brought me up from my lows, it was a shit life but fairly consistent for a long time.

Then as my bipolar got out of control so did my drinking. Binges lasting days, blackouts, I was aggressive to my wonderful parents, they were out of their mind with worry and took my kids (I'm crying writing these words) so my dh would lock me in the house (with me) and I would go through torturous dt's, shaking, puking, soiling myself and wishing I could die. Then afterwards we'd all pretend I'd had a blip, never sought help in case social svs took the kids and I'd spend weeks being sorry, feeling unworthy, hating myself and being subservient to all my loved ones (even the kids) like a grateful wounded dog, then 4-6 weeks later when everyone forgave and trusted me I'd be overwhelmed with the world and do it all over again.

I've lost days, sometimes weeks in a drunken stupor, I once drank 2 bottles of lemon cello back to back and passed out for 2 days. I would drink maybe 5 bottles in a day to remain in a permanent wine coma, just to hide from my life, I believed I'd lost my whole life, my oldest daughter had seen more than any child should, had lost every grain of respect for me, asking me once "why are we not enough to make you happy". My little one cried for me and my dh only stayed to make sure I didn't kill myself and when he had to work my parents did a suucide check every hour. My dad has since said walking up my stairs during those days he truly thought he'd find me dead, His daughter he loved he believed was long gone and he believed I'd have killed myself or died of alcohol poisoning.

I'm only spilling my guts here to prove there is always a way back!!! I ended up in casualty, allocated to a mental health crisis team and finally and thankfully diagnosed with bipolar. I finally understood why my moods were uncontrollable and I why my life was in total free fall, disintegrating Infront of me like a nightmare that never ended.

Anyway, that was then and this is now. It's taken many tears, much therapy and shit loads of AD's and mood levelling drugs but I'm here, still standing, still fighting and still sober.

Life is not perfect, I'm scared almost every day but I hear the same fear in most of you too so I'm not alone, I'm in a strong, vibrant army who will never leave a babe behind, we have buckets of courage, determination and hope for a better life and that me us pretty goddam awesome xxx

You are all fabulous and don't ever forget it xxx

Wow Baby, what a post.

You've made me cry. I'd read your posts before, but seriously - I am in awe of how honest you are and how bloody well you have done.

What a completely inspirational post. And how generous of you to delve into those details (again) to try and help us all. Thankyou xxxx

I've had a meh day. Had a beer, but no more. This time last week I was being evangelical about an AF week. This week, less so. Though I will do the rest of the week.

Love to you all. Rarity - are you Ok? Big hugs. Xx

baby that is such an honesty, brutal and also uplifting post. I too use to open the door coming home from school wondering if I'd find my mum dead, (it did kill her in the end) and I too asked her why we weren't enough for her. Your post has bought back a lot of memories for me. I can't tell you how happy it make me feel that you did manage to turn it around for yourself and your family. Truly amazing and inspectional.

I forget to tell the dentist I'm on AD. elba will this be ok with the antibiotics? I only ask as the side effects say something about mental health

*insperational

You know what I mean

baby you've made me cry too (but in a positive way). You're clearly so so strong, thank you for your posts. I've also just read back over my posts on the last thread and had a bit of a eureka moment that I have changed a bit. It feels like ages ago but the first time I didn't drink after a night was less than four weeks ago. Since then I've had another AF morning and three AF nights...I genuinely thought it was over a much longer timespan. So I'm feeling a little bit encouraged that maybe I can do this.

I feel like I want to hide away at the moment though. My 'real life' involves a lot of responsibility work wise and that's fine, it's the only thing that keeps me relatively stable. But outside of that it feels almost protective to just shut myself away for a while. I'm naturally introverted and have often felt it's important from a mental health point of view to keep socialising, talking etc. But at the moment I just want to talk to the counsellor (not about alcohol but about underlying stuff), talk on here and am just starting to write things down that help me understand how I got here in the first place.

I'd been thinking I was spending too much time reading and posting on here, but then realised that doing that is exactly what has enabled me to test the waters with a few AF days. I am changing gradually with all your support, you probably all know me better than most my friends and family in terms of how things are at the moment. It took ages to make myself post the first time but I'm so glad I did. I never thought connecting with a group of 'Internet strangers' could make such a difference, you are all amazing

will best thing to do is have a chat with your pharmacist in the morning. Not keen to give you specific advice as there are loads of different ADs and I don't know your history. That said I'm not aware of any interactions so I wouldn't worry for tonight.

Elba I can see a big change in your attitude now when you post....keep going
End of day 3 for me which was impossible not so long ago. I think because I am dealing with me DM s cancer diagnosis I am scared to pick up. I could go to some really scary places in my head if I opened a bottle and I am scared of the consequences.
Anyway sorry not much use tonight

Just came onto the thread to post and found babyjane's amazing story. We are of the same mind tonight. I wanted to write something because today I am twelve weeks sober, and hoping and praying to continue. Some days have been relatively easy, some have been hard ... this past weekend, for some reason, I really struggled. But no matter what, I am humble about each sober new day, and fearful of backsliding even while I remain hopeful. I drank steadily for more than a decade; I started out with a small glass of wine every night (more on the weekends and special occasions) ... then a large glass every night ... then two large glasses ... half a bottle ... etc etc etc. The amount I drank increased slowly but steadily over time, until over the last few years I was putting away more than a bottle a night, plus some nights one or two very stiff mixed drinks (probably more like half a dozen mixed drinks in the real world). It still shocks me to write this down. The last time I managed any period of sobriety was about seven years ago, when I went ten days in a row. Since then I have been drinking every single night, except for one stretch when I was hospitalised (unrelated). Twelve weeks ago, I decided out of the blue to go stone cold sober. I realise now that that was probably unwise given my intake, and that I was just lucky not to have DTs or other serious problems.
Anyway, in honour of my twelve week journey to date, I wanted to write down some of the things I appreciate about sobriety. I want to stress again that I am not being smug - I am writing this down as much to remind myself of the good things as for anyone else.
So - some benefits of being sober:

• falling asleep at night (rather than passing out)
• remembering my evening (it's not a blur anymore)
• patience with my family: I hardly ever lose my temper anymore
• not spending the first few hours of every day hungover, feeling sick, exhausted, etc
• huge improvement in mental sharpness during the day
• hugely improved sleep (not awake for hours in the middle of the night anymore)
• more hours in the day: when I'm not drunk all afternoon / evening til bedtime, I can get a lot more accomplished!
• losing weight (not a goal, but it's definitely been a benefit)
• face not puffy anymore; skin and hair look healthier

I am acutely aware that I am not actively damaging my body anymore. I know that I drank because I was depressed, and I know that I should probably talk to a GP about antidepressants. The last time I broached my drinking with a GP, he was judgmental and unsympathetic, and didn't even hear what I was saying about my drinking being self-medicating. But I should probably chance a new conversation with a different doctor.
My husband says I seem happier. My kids haven't said much about the fact that I'm not drinking, but they are palpably, if cautiously, relieved. I am so glad not to be giving them the affliction of an alcoholic parent right now, and I am ashamed to think of what a terrible role model I was for so long and what terrible mistakes I made with my children because of my drinking. I hope that someday they will forgive me if I am able to continue with my sobriety.

I'm off to bed, work and an AF day tomorrow. But have to post a couple of (cheesy) links first

Ok will post more about this tomorrow but just listened to a TED talk on addiction and the quote was
" addiction is about a lack of connection "
Hmmmm......

genie wow what an amazing list, you've done so so well. "I'm acutely aware that I'm not actively damaging my body anymore" rings so many bells...I'm acutely aware at the moment that I am doing this on my drinking nights. I've always been aware if I'm honest, and it's caused so much anxiety, it would be so nice to just think I'm letting myself heal to some extent.

sober thank you. It all feels very fragile at the moment though. Well done on day 3, especially given everything that's going on xxx

Gulp. Tears before 6.45am! baby thank you for sharing, your story never fails to inspire me, you have been through hell. And what an incredible person you are for coming back from that so incredibly well.

elba you can do this!!! And I'm pleased you made that big step of posting on here. You're doing brilliantly.

genie huge well done on 12 weeks, and what a great list. I relate to your story a lot, I'm conscious (and worried) that my drinking is increasing year on year. Hence why I now track it to try and keep on top of it - is that good enough? I'm not sure. One day at a time.

Day 2 here again, today i will not drink.

Well a lovely sunny day and inspirational posts from amazing babes to start the day. You guys totally and utterly rock.

Well hello Day 4 it's been a while since I have seen you
Check in later xx

Go sober go sober!!

Had a row with dh this morning - moaning about my weight he retorted with 'you shouldn't drink every night then', well needless to say that pushed my buttons and I went off on one about 'I don't drink every night, I'm so bloody conscious of actively not drinking every night, you don't have a clue' and he said 'but you drunk last night' and I was like 'how dare you make cavalier comments about my drinking which are absolutely untrue' (I didn't drink last night)....it just pissed me off. He doesn't even notice what I am going through. Don't get me wrong he supports us financially etc and we are in generally a happy relationship but I've increasingly noticed that he bowls through life not noticing stuff about me. It makes me wonder why I bother.

Morning foxy ladies,

The sun is shining and I've just listened to elba's very apt link songs and had a wee greet (Scottish for cry). Thanks elba they were great choices and very life affirming.

I think about you a lot and the word habit screams at me through your posts. You've made enormous progress by setting yourself goals. You know you can abstain if you HAVE to, your complete dedication to your profession shows us all this, also most of the time you DECIDE not to drink by saying it to us as well as yourself, you absolutely smash it!!!! I think booze has become your friend, your security blanket, it's reliable, make you feel relaxed and happy, strips away some loneliness and let's face it brightens up the mundaneness of all of our lives.

When I stopped initially it created so much time, too much time, it was very unsettling. Life felt way too big and l hated having time to think, thinking is my enemy, it still is!!! Also Do not underestimate the effect of the sugar crash when you manage a day AF, you said you felt really shitty sometimes after being AF and

I had no idea how much the abrupt sugar withdrawal would affect my mood. I would have sold my Granny for a jam doughnut. I have read every one of your posts over and over, your fear is as palpable as mine, I think your amazing and showing lurkers and future posters your journey laid bare has everyone rooting for you and shows what courage and friendship can do, keep on keeping on babe xxx

genie well done girlfriend, so mega chuffed for you, very brave and loved your list of benefits.

I too am finding it very tough to forgive myself, I did and said terrible things to my loved ones. Looking back at the things i do remember, it's like implanted memories, I know it happened but it's as if couldnt actually be me, it's too horrible and dark.

If we look too far back we might drive ourselves mad, be proud of now, of what you've achieved and make new memories to fill this new wonderful time in your life.

I'm too scared to NC as this bus is flying at the mo and so many names!!

I'm so proud to be part of this magical, mystical journey and you guys make be laugh and cry every day.

I LOVE THIS BUS xxx

Hi everyone. Have been a bit quiet. Having some domestic problems.

Despite the emotional upheaval I am AF

Check in with you all later

baby wow what a journey. Not only are you an amazing person but your family are incredible too

rarity hope you're ok and well done for staying af despite everything!

Morning babes! sober well done on getting past the dreaded day 3! I hate that day.

claret sorry your DH was being an arse....I really think men don't notice things until you point it out! They just don't register the same way women do. Dont let him de rail your AFD 2!

My DH is going away tomorrow for a few night (work) and I'll admit, I was secretly planning a little drink fest....I could have got rid of the evidence in plenty of time.....but thanks to being terrified of mixing the alcohol with te antibiotics I won't. Can you believe, at one point I thought to stop the antibiotics so I could drink!!!! Anyway, I'm joining claret on AFD 2

rarity...stay with us and we'll done

On another note, I cannot stop eating today

will, thanks you're right, think he lives in his own little bubble and because I internalise everything (and hide a lot of what happens when I drink) it passes him by. For now at least I think I prefer this than being honest with him.

I'm aiming for a decent string of af days now so I'm right by your side for your af week. I know the temptation is huge when you're alone but it sounds like the meds you are on are horrid so best off sticking to the rules!

Hello! Been so motivated by all the stories on here, you guys are inspirational, as someone else said further up...

Felt so much better today for not drinking last night, holding out for day two, although j have been home for half an hour and am already pissed off by my bloody mother. It's like she wants to make my life difficult. (Sorry, I know it's nothing compared to what most of you are going through/have been through, but it really makes my blood boil. ).

Hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine.