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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how do I go on from here?

26 replies

upwiththebirds · 05/01/2007 22:21

This is my first mn posting, I have been wanting to ask advice/get this off my chest to someone for a long time - sorry it's quite long. dh & I have known each other 14 yrs (married 8 yrs - 2 wonderful kids). 2&1/2 yrs ago I was lying on the bed one evening, happy exhausted & relaxed, & said "I don't think I can move" - next thing dh had dragged me off bed by my ankles (like a magician whipping off a tablecloth leaving plates etc on table). It really hurt & I was very shocked - I told him it had hurt, what the hell did you do that for? I lay down again & a second later he did it again. When I sat up I was stunned & crying & he stood there & said "What are you crying for?" Long story short, a day later I ended up in hospital having appendix removed. This was such a weird incident & I feel that it has spoiled what we had (he doesn't think it should). He cannot explain it - says that it was/started out as a "joke" & that "he is not a violent man". Nothing like this had ever happened before or has happened since. Our relationship has really deteriorated since & we row alot. Sounds dreadful to say/in fact impossible, because I love our kids so much & wouldn't be without them, but if that had happened before we had them, I would have left him. He is a good Dad & the kids love him dearly. I want to put this behind me and move on but am finding it really hard – I cannot it.

OP posts:
MrsSparklyFairyBadger · 05/01/2007 22:24

Is counselling an option?

I can sorta understand that maybe it was a joke, and he was being silly. It sounds like he understands that what he did was wrong. I assume he's apologised?

Original poster
upwiththebirds · 05/01/2007 22:29

thank you for your message MrsSFB - I wonder whether this is just me too. But I can't go to sleep next to him?

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Paddlechick666 · 05/01/2007 22:31

hi,

so sorry that this has happened and has affected you so badly.

not really sure how to offer advise but know about men being just stupid really.

a while back when dd was just getting really mobile dh was upstairs doing the bath bed prep.

i was downstairs on phone to sil, next thing a whole bunch of clothes come tumbling downstairs and dh is yelling dd's name and No No No!

of course i believe she's fallen downstairs.

he thinks it's funny.

he apologised profusely when i went ape at him. still has no real explanation, admits it was a totally stupid thing to do.

it still irks me.

i really hope you find a way to put this behind you.

maybe relationship counselling would help?

Original poster
upwiththebirds · 05/01/2007 22:35

God, I'm sorry too - I can't believe what men think is "funny".

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Original poster
upwiththebirds · 05/01/2007 22:46

How do you carry on when on the one hand you worry what splitting up would do to your children, and on the other hand what not splitting up will do to you?

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Helgand · 05/01/2007 22:50

Hmmm, do you believe his apology (has he given you one)?
Men do do odd things - my friend's ex DH hid their newborn under the bedclothes and in the laundry basket and made her try and find him - what is that all about?!
Is there anything you can think of that he could do to help you to put it behind you? It sounds like you are afraid of him - if you are, perhaps you could tell him that (easier said than done of course!).

Helgand · 05/01/2007 22:52

If you are wishing you could have an easy split (no kids etc)then you really need to get to the bottom of this - does he know how seriously you feel about this? If this incident had never occurred how do you think you would feel about him now?

Original poster
upwiththebirds · 05/01/2007 22:58

Helgand, thank you for your messages - I am stunned, STUNNED at what your friend's partner did to their baby. I would find this a whole lot "easier" if he had done something in relation to our children - he would be OUT. But he is a good Dad, I just feel that he musn't have liked never mind loved me very much any more. I wasn't naive, I knew that life would have problems - I miscarried our third child. I just never thought that there would be a massive negative thing where one of us had wrecked what we had.

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Helgand · 05/01/2007 23:03

Upwiththebirds - I really am baffled by your dh - did you have to have your appendix out as a result of what he did or was that a coincidence?

Original poster
upwiththebirds · 05/01/2007 23:07

I believe that the appendix problem was caused by what he did - I had absolutely no problem there before & after what he did was in increasing pain (& then fever) the next 24 hours - was admitted as an emergency. He still does not think that this should have proven such a problem to me with respect to our relationship. I have recently told him that I wish I had just taken to bed and let nature take its course then - which I find incredibly difficult to admit to as Mum to 2 children when I would do anything for them.

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dreamteamgirl · 05/01/2007 23:15

Hiya

This isnt fully relevant here I spose, but modern science doesnt believe that appendicitis can be caused by a jolt or blow, but it can aggrevate an on going condition, or bring it to the surface more quickly. Google Houdini for more info, as that is how he died. So in one way, by jolting you, in his weak attempt at a joke, he may have actually hastened your diagnosis and made it discovered earlier and saved your life...

Paddlechick666 · 05/01/2007 23:16

i'm no expert and i could be talking tripe but could this be post traumatic stress from the rapid onset of the appendicitis?

could it all be connected and you are suffering a reaction to the extreme stress of that experience.

maybe you could have some personal counselling as well as marriage guidance.

sorry if i'm talking crap and not being helpful.........

Original poster
upwiththebirds · 05/01/2007 23:18

Thank you - so he "saved" my life.

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Original poster
upwiththebirds · 05/01/2007 23:22

From what I know about life & from what I've read here, I know that the only thing that matters is that you carry on. Salute, my posting friends.

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dreamteamgirl · 05/01/2007 23:41

Sorry upwiththebirds I didnt mean to upset you at all, was just trying to offer a different perspective. Devil's Advocate and all? No offence intended and I hope none taken.

As I said very weak attempt at a 'joke' by your DH, not excusing it at all

Original poster
upwiththebirds · 06/01/2007 11:56

I'm sorry dreamteamgirl - I didn't mean to be sarcastic - I was tired, emotional & angry at him. Thank you for your perspective - that is after all the reason I came on here!

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MamazonAKAfatty · 06/01/2007 12:07

If he has never been aggressive or violant before or since then i would be inclined to believe this was just a rather silly and childish prank. maybe he hadn't realised quite how much pain he had caused and was just trying to fool about. then when he saw how upset you were he tried to brush it off as he felt guilty.

I perosnally wouldn't allow such a small issue in what is otherwise a very stable relationship cause me to question the future of the marriage...but its not me we are ytalking about.

If you are feeling this way then you need to have a long and seriouse discussion with him.
I would also feel that given how distressed by this you have been i would consider councelling of some kind. it may have some relevance to some other experiances you have ha but you just dont realise.

WinkyWinkola · 06/01/2007 12:14

It was a really prattish (word?) and downright weird thing to do to you, Upwiththebirds. No doubt about it. And doing not once but twice makes it even more daft. Whether it brought your appendicitis to the fore and "saved your life" (tosh) or not.

Has he actually apologised to you? You clearly haven't forgiven him and just don't trust him as a result. What if he thinks another physical joke on the children this time is funny and another serious injury follows?

But surely it is time to move on and do something about your unhappiness - either make a break from him if you really can't forgive him or present relationship counselling to him as a viable way forward. Perhaps he'll be more interested in counselling if you explain to him exactly what you've been thinking and feeling since the incident? I don't know what you've already said to him about it.

dreamteamgirl · 06/01/2007 22:46

You have nothing to apologise for at all upwiththebirds

Hope you can work things through.

Many hugs

Original poster
upwiththebirds · 07/01/2007 12:35

Thank you all for your kind & wise comments - I know this is something I've got to move on from & sometimes I think I can but the event keeps coming up in my head. He has apologised & sworn nothing like that would ever happen again (we'd known each other for 12 years before it happened!) so obviously it's not something that has been a recurring problem. It was just so strange & he has no real explanation for it. I feel it has changed my ease around him & in the house. Your right, MamazonAKAfatty about it having relevance to other experiences - our parents used alot of physical punishment on us as kids & I guess I never thought it would happen to me again in the family home I created. Thanks all - it is so nice to know that people are out there.

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hiddentreasure · 07/01/2007 15:05

At the root of this is the issue that your dh doesn't seem to have the generosity of spirit to see that you are really upset and to apologise to you for that. It's not really about what he did any more, it's about the fact he doesn't think that your feelings about it matter enough for him to swallow his pride and say sorry. I mean, look at this thread, when dreamteamgirl accidentally upset you she apologised immediately because she could see that you were upset, even though she didn't mean to upset you.

so has he really apologised? if so, counselling (alone) might help you find out why it still rattles you (although your upbringing may have something to do with it). If he hasn't, ditto!

Judy1234 · 07/01/2007 15:48

I'm astounded by the way. First of all medically it could not possiblyl have caused the appendix problem - go and look at up on the internet if you want to check. Secondly he was just messing around. People do. It's just normal life. I am sorry you were upset for it but it sounds to me that he's had 2 years of trouble from you because of something that wouldn't have mattered to most people and perhaps a mutual apology and putting it behind you perhaps with a bit a therapy might be the answer.

Original poster
upwiththebirds · 07/01/2007 16:33

Obviously the appendix was gunky but me & the old gunky appendix were going along alright. Anyway. As for the two years of trouble you think he's had, if I were a drama queen I wouldn't have coped with this on my own for so long.

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noddyholder · 07/01/2007 16:43

I think there is more to this tbh as he does seem to have behaved like a silly arse (like a lot of men at times)but it isn't a good reason to leave him!Or am I missing something ?Do you want out and you are looking for a reason?There is nothing wrong with a relationship ending because it is just over

lou33 · 07/01/2007 16:43

I think you have wanted to leave him for a long time, but felt guilty because of his good points, and you are possibly using the bed incident as your reason for wanting to end it

As for appendicitis, a small amount of people do get it from a traumatic blow to the abdomen, (exh had it from this reason years ago when a surf board hit him in the stomach), but unless you suffered an actual blow to that area, then i cant see how you can really blame him for the op. That just seems to be a bad coincidence