Dh keeps giving MIL money - am I wrong to object?

[Ceebee74]

Basically, MIL is on a basic pension and is really short of money - so DH keeps 'lending' her money which we can't afford - it is only little bits here and there but it still annoys me.

I do sympathise with her situation but am I selfish to object to giving her my hard-earned money? I return to work in 3 weeks after mat leave and will be on a drastically reduced wage due to reducing hours/childcare costs. I do all the finances so DH doesn't really understand how much our outcome will be dropping despite me keep telling him that we can't afford to subsidise his mum.

At Christmas, he lent her £40 which she subsequently gave us back as 'presents' - I mean, how absurd is that??

What do others think? Am I being a selfish cow about this?

Is there help you can give MIL, other than cash, that you can afford? Meals and stuff, maybe?

You have my sympathy here, it's a tricky situation.

I think there's nothing wrong with helping her out, per se - its what I would do if my mum was in that position - she's made enough sacrifices for me etc etc. But as your finances are jointly owned, the decision needs to be jointly made. Can you sit down, discuss and agree what you can afford and are happy to "lend" her?

there is a principle.

i would object on the grounds that it isnt being communicated and agreed in any formal capacity.

a conersation which went
"of course i do not loath helping your mother out. however to help with our finances it should be a stable and regular amount. lets go and see her to discuss"

go see her

" hi MIL, listen due to both our financial situations we want to openly discuss money. i understand you may need alittle more - but we too have pre existing commitments. after evaluating out finances we have agreed that we can give you an extra £10 per week. however we cannot give you anything above that. and one off loans are out of the question."

Is he specifically taking money out of your account to do it ?? You mention my hard earned money.

He gave her £40,you got it back in presents, she managed to save face. Money well spent IMO.

I think your DH is a lovely man, who obviously loves and respects his Mum.

I think you need to show him the actual numbers, to prove to him that you can't afford it, and try and find away to help mil without making things worse for you.

Also see if you can find out if your mil is entiled to any other benifits that she is not claiming. I know that we had a lot of trouble to get my grandad to claim what he was entiled to, he didn't want to as there are people worse of them him, it took us ages to get to understand that he had paid into the national insurance so was entiled to help now.

Thanks for your comments - custardo, I think what you say makes sense - it is the one-off loans that wind me up so maybe a regular arrangement would be better.

Sherlock - I guess that came out wrong as we do have a joint account and he does always ask me first. When I said we got the money back at Christmas, I meant as cash in a Christmas card - to me, that is not saving face - but absurd!

What I didn't mention is that DH has a brother (who has no children) but he never seems to feel the need to lend her money and Dh won't talk to him about sharing it either.
I guess it is all these little things that annoy me about the situation.

Does your MIL own her own property ??

She does - it is a very very old dilapadated (sp?) farmhouse which is on the market but has been for 6 months and no interest yet - why?

Ok

Was going to suggest you take out a small mortgage on it and give her the capital, you need to get all your DH's siblings on board. And I mean a mortgage not one of those sell your house to the bank jobbies.

If this is not a goer, maybe she needs to look at reducing the asking price.

Just a thought.

has she ensured that she is getting all the correct benefits etc, pension credit, income support, winter fuel allowance etc, i am assume and forgive me if i am wrong that she is over 60?

Oh god - this is the same as us! my dh gives his mum great chunks of money all the time, but she doesnt buy anyone (ie, the kids)ANY presents, ever!
She works full time and affords to smoke 30 a day and feed 12 cats (!!!) yet claims she is destitute and has to borrow off us when we are struggling constantly!
She does also own her own house which is disgusting/falling apart and isnt selling at all!!
you have my sympathy!

think custardo made a good point about giving her a set amount each week.

i have 2 sons and am single and if im still single when im a pensioner and struggling i would hope their wives would want to help me out if possible.

How would you feel if it was your mother, and your DH objected?

Discussion is needed. Nothing wrong in principle - in fact a generous thing to do - but it should be a generous thing done by both of you willingly.