Sexually frustrated Husband

[Brightling]

It seems I'm married to one of those men who gets very moody when their intimacy needs aren't being met as often as they would like.

We've been married a significant amount of time. When we first met my sex drive was average and a few years and very young children later it's pretty much dwindled. I'm all touched out by the children. I am very unhappy with my post multiple pregnancies body. I'm tired. All I want is to be able to go to bed and sleep without being propositioned. It's not every night but it happens frequently enough for it to be considered badgering. Actually what I would like also is for the "no I'm not up for it tonight" to be received with "ok let's sleep" rather than him raise his voice tell my I've got a problem, I need to see a therapist, I should stay off those websites (such as MN) and what's he supposed to do about HIS sexual needs as it sounds like he's supposed to have an affair if I'm not interested. He says he can't even cuddle me if I've said no as he finds it too difficult. Whenever I say none turns his back on me and I feel like I'm being punished for saying No.

I get that he is frustrated but I am not prepared to lay back and think of England. Sex is a privilege not a right. It's my body and if I don't want to I don't have to. Even though he says that he doesn't want me to do it for the sake of it I think he's BS'ing me. He tells me he's a nice person, a good partner, a good dad and that other couples are all having sex though he always refers to sex as making love.

When we are having an active sex life he is ridiculously happy and helpful and affectionate.

I can't stand the sulking behaviour when he's frustrated. He is a hands on father and he does pull his weight round the home. It's just the sex pressure pushing me away. It's getting to the point where I don't want to be intimate with him at all as any contact he sees as a green light to progress a cuddle or whatever is then met with a sulk when I say I don't want to continue.

He does make lots of effort making meals but I'm so cynical that All I can think about is that there is an expectancy at the end of the night which puts me on the defensive and then I end up causing an argument simply to avoid the strop that he will pull when I say I don't want to be intimate because it's only when I get cross about it that he will let it drop and quit going on and on and on about it.

I'm know my sex drive isn't what it was but the sulks and date nights are not helping one bit. I dread any meal or date night. I'm not even sure why I'm even posting.

Gosh, Dad, it's awfully helpful you explaining how women build self-esteem.

:o

Or not. Not it's not. Not at all. It's bollocks. Hilarious bollocks.

Saying that women are brought up to believe that they can receive it from around them, is not the same as saying that that is the way to genuinely build it. What you suggest is ridiculous and based on no personal experience.

Interestingly, my dh's esteem is based more on how people see him, but mine is based on how I feel. Last time I checked we were still male and female respectively :o

Oh and my sex drive is higher too. I don't pressurise dh into sex when he's not in the mood. I don't want to sleep with someone who doesnt desire me. That would be horrible.

You should go and inform yourself about how high libido wives feel when married to a low libido husband.

Thanks for the tip!

I can speak with authority about how one specific high libido woman feels - and I did.

But my question was, are you speaking for all men or just for you?

Sorry, Brightling, I don't think I'm helping by talking to someone else.

I think Stoic's question was a good one. How would you like him to behave? Would you be able to tell him what you need from him? Would he listen?

I think sometimes it's suggested in situations like this, that sex is taken off the table entirely, so that you can build intimacy again without any ulterior motive.

Stoic, Dad is "designated male spokesperson for the day". Didn't you get the memo? :o

"I think sometimes it's suggested in situations like this, that sex is taken off the table entirely, so that you can build intimacy again without any ulterior motive."

Yes I think a therapist would probably suggest that. Don't think the OP's husband would accept it though!

It seems a bit of a no brainer to me that he needs to stop pestering and pressuring her before things can get better... If he can't see that I wonder if there is much hope tbh.

Christ, really chris?? I wonder when his shift finishes.

I have to say, I have had a period in my life that sounded like yours Bright.
DH also didn't undrstand the idea of cuddles. We use to jokes that there are two types of cuddles. A man one that means sex and a woman one that means well... just cuddles.
It took him a very long time to understand that and be at ease with it, ie to be happy just cuddling wo it leading to sex. I have no idea why he was so set up in the idea that any physical affection had to be leading to sex.

I also suspect that, because he was getting so many NO answers, that any little sign I could be up for it, he was jumping on. And of course, that put me off even more.

I've also noticed that sex is a great 'relaxant' for DH. ie he will be less stressed and happier when we have sex. But then so is he when he has gone running/done some exercise so I've been known to send him for a run instead.

Well he's not speaking for me. I don't know, he might have a point about generalised behaviour. But that's hardly relevant or helpful when it comes down to specific people.

Women on mumsnet often seem to post (almost as a point of pride sometimes) that they never or rarely have sex with their husbands and then wonder why they're left for other women|

What a load of crap that is.

OP, I'm afraid any adult male who sulks and can't cuddle his partner or touch her tenderly without expecting sex is a total arsehole, I mean, talk about self centred. Sex should be a mutually enjoyable activity, unless you are a blow up doll.

No one has to have sex if they don't want to, or feel pressured into sex. Equally no one has to stay in a relationship where they feel sexually rejected or frustrated.

So talk to him, with a therapist or councillor if you think that would help. Either you'll find a way to be sexually compatible or you will know you're not and can both decide whether to move on or not.

Being the partner with the higher sex drive is pretty grim too btw

my personal opinion is that relationships with wildly mismatched libido's do not tend to last....sorry OP.

I've known a few couples like this, and almost always, the man has eventually had an affair. And more often than not, the woman has been surprised.

Do you see the situation as temporary? Do you fancy him still?

I can't see how any marriage can survive, if libidos are ill matched over a long period of time. Eventually it will burn out, as neither one of you is happy.

Haven't posted for on MN a while, and maybe not relevant to this particular situation but I have found as the HD (high drive) partner, that I have been withdrawing physical affection as a result of constant rejection.

I suspect it's a viscious circle given the majority of responses on this thread, but understandable really. From my own perspective, I don't give hugs, cuddles and kisses because of a fear it may be interpreted as wanting sex. Which it is, but not with someone who doesn't want it which is DW an interesting dichotomy/oxymoron (whatever the word is!). I'm sure she views it in the ways expressed previously (in the simplified man-affection/woman-affection example).

No way forward when you stuck in that particular rut, particularly when your partner won't communicate the problem.

FWIW I do see where DadWasHere is coming from re: self esteem/body image although whether it is as strictly gendered as suggested I don't know.

Dadwashere, your cake analogy is far too close to the tea analogy for comfort.

This isn't necessarily about mismatched sex drives. Brightling is knackered and her husband is a total arse, so it is much more complex than simple sex drives.

Sorry Brightling, I don't think your OP will change or improve his behaviour. He has repeatedly justified his own behaviour and has not listened to what you say. In fact his behaviour is escalating. He is bullying you to get you to give in. He doesn't care whether you want sex or not. You can't change his essentially selfish nature.

You don't have to put up with it but you may have to draw a line in the sand at some point and make a decision where to go from there.

Hadn't even noticed that ouryve, just thought it was a rubbish analogy.

Sometimes I'm not really in the mood, but I like the idea of being in the mood, so it's worth giving it a go. Sometimes I'm not in the mood and I can't be bothered, so I don't.

At no point would being pestered or told to give it a go, encourage me to change my mind. Actually, that's not true. It would quickly change a yes to a god no.

Whatever happened to enthusiastic consent?

I agree FuckYou, enthusiastic consent is where we should all be. It doesn't help when posters suggest giving "it" a try to get back into the swing of things. The latter always seems at odds with the former. Plus it helps neither partner.

I agree keepit, I think there's a big difference between giving it a try in a relationship that is currently good and loving, and seeing that as a way of fixing something. That would be a dangerous precedent here.

And there's an enormous difference between starting something on the off chance you might like it once you do, and starting something because you fear the moods and sulking that will come if you don't.

I'm not even sure giving it a try is a good idea. It's just seems to drag things out and make it even more difficult and uncomfortable to broach.

Better, with the benefit of hindsight, to stick with the aforementioned gold standard. IMO

When a couple is stuck in a rut and no longer having sex, and both want to rekindle their sex life, it can help to schedule "intimate" time rather than wait until someone is in the mood - but the key is that there's no pressure on that time, you can have a kiss and a cuddle, give each other a massage, or do more, depending how you feel... But it doesn't work if one or both feels they have to go the whole way and have full penetrative sex.

I think it's also unlikely to work in this scenario - they are not exactly stuck in a rut where the sex has "dried up". It's a very different problem IMO.

Cross posts! I agree with you PPs!

I've been in the OP's husband's position. I did discuss the issue but I never behaved like him.

I've been on the other side of the coin recently (young kids, major bereavement, lots of petty illnesses). Again my husband has never behaved like him. Indeed, my husband's warm and gracious behaviour probably explains why I still really fancy him and things are getting back on track.

Yes, differences in sexual desire are difficult and require negotiation. But he is being an arse. I don't know which way the babies came out (one only 10 months I note) but the OP's husband should try getting his stomach sliced open, or his undercarriage ripped apart and then his nipples chewed to bleeding point for good measure and see how horny he feels then, or how much being pressured by his physically untouched partner about their 'needs' turns him on.

Crazyhead, I'm glad to hear there are normal men out there. Sometimes life gives one or both of you a trough, being supportive and kind means you get to have the peaks too.