Sexually frustrated Husband

[Brightling]

It seems I'm married to one of those men who gets very moody when their intimacy needs aren't being met as often as they would like.

We've been married a significant amount of time. When we first met my sex drive was average and a few years and very young children later it's pretty much dwindled. I'm all touched out by the children. I am very unhappy with my post multiple pregnancies body. I'm tired. All I want is to be able to go to bed and sleep without being propositioned. It's not every night but it happens frequently enough for it to be considered badgering. Actually what I would like also is for the "no I'm not up for it tonight" to be received with "ok let's sleep" rather than him raise his voice tell my I've got a problem, I need to see a therapist, I should stay off those websites (such as MN) and what's he supposed to do about HIS sexual needs as it sounds like he's supposed to have an affair if I'm not interested. He says he can't even cuddle me if I've said no as he finds it too difficult. Whenever I say none turns his back on me and I feel like I'm being punished for saying No.

I get that he is frustrated but I am not prepared to lay back and think of England. Sex is a privilege not a right. It's my body and if I don't want to I don't have to. Even though he says that he doesn't want me to do it for the sake of it I think he's BS'ing me. He tells me he's a nice person, a good partner, a good dad and that other couples are all having sex though he always refers to sex as making love.

When we are having an active sex life he is ridiculously happy and helpful and affectionate.

I can't stand the sulking behaviour when he's frustrated. He is a hands on father and he does pull his weight round the home. It's just the sex pressure pushing me away. It's getting to the point where I don't want to be intimate with him at all as any contact he sees as a green light to progress a cuddle or whatever is then met with a sulk when I say I don't want to continue.

He does make lots of effort making meals but I'm so cynical that All I can think about is that there is an expectancy at the end of the night which puts me on the defensive and then I end up causing an argument simply to avoid the strop that he will pull when I say I don't want to be intimate because it's only when I get cross about it that he will let it drop and quit going on and on and on about it.

I'm know my sex drive isn't what it was but the sulks and date nights are not helping one bit. I dread any meal or date night. I'm not even sure why I'm even posting.

Good god, this is a dreadful thread. Who'd want to have sex with a sulky man child?

He's an emotionally abusive pest who is demanding sex and unable to touch his wife without it being sexual.

She is exhausted, not only touched out by having a young family but also by having him making continuous unwanted advances on her.

Three weeks is not a long time to go without sex. It's nothing when you put it into context of their lives. If he had any sensitivity he'd be supporting her, giving her a break and communicating with her,. That in itself is much more desirable and sexy that a man going into a sulk because he can't get his end away.

DadWasHere how kind of you to blame the OP rather than the OPs husband who is behaving in an appalling manner. Way to go.

I think curren's post is the wisest on this thread tbh.

I've seen this from both sides, with different partners. When my DC were small, my then partner often pestered me for sex. I refused - but when I actually thought about my reasons, it wasn't because I still desired him but was just a new mum/tired/worn out etc, it was because I just didn't find him attractive, at all. And as a result the relationship eventually ended, which was clearly best for us both.

If you don't want this man around, end your relationship. If you do, then I think counselling for you both is a good idea, and something you both need to look into as a priority - hopefully it will help you both to see the other's point of view.

I have to say when I was in a similar position to you, my thought was always 'why didn't he have a wank, surely that's easier than pestering me?' But in discussions with subsequent partners, I've come to understand that just as I wouldn't be satisfied with that, nor would most men - and that desiring intimacy through sex isn't just reserved for women.

I know you said it had been 3 weeks since the last time (ok, not unreasonably long, but a fair length of time). Was that more than 3 weeks after the time before that? and when do you see the next time being? Weeks/months?

I'm sure no one would want their partner to feel compelled to have sex. But equally wanting sex and being constantly rejected is also pretty soul destroying.

No not everyone sulks . Dear lord. Only people with a sense of entitlement sulk.

Completely agree with AyeAmorak and I think FuckyouChris (great nick name!) has given some excellent advice and comments.

The way he speaks to you Brightling is awful but indicative of his mindset. He feels he is owed sex by you and his wants should be paramount in your relationship.

If he is so keen to have sex, why isn't he making your life easier so that you might feel more in the mood. Why isn't he putting the children to bed for example?

Mind you I'm suspecting passion might be killed forever with this manchild. You're seeing his true colours and they aren't pretty. Hard to come back from that.

I'm trying to translate that post as anything other, "you should like your body because your husband wants to have sex with it" and failing.

Did you read this part: 'How could a person who feels their body has become sexually undesirable ever feel that any desire for it has legitimate worth'? Its a gender and marital status free question, and it should be obvious how much thinking like that, legitimate or not, will poison your own well.

I feel sorry for him actually.

He didn't sign up for monogamy with no sex and neither, presumably, did you.

A 10 month old isn't a newborn and I don't think a baby is a good reason not to have sex.

His behaviour isn't the best, agreed, but it's borne of frustration and what he's really saying is that he's desperate for a shag, which is not unreasonable. Plus, he's trying, he's not just moaning, he's cooking you nice dinners and being affectionate and hoping it will lead to a resumption of your sex life. Which also doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

Plus he's suggested counselling so I think you should take him up on that.

Women on mumsnet often seem to post (almost as a point of pride sometimes) that they never or rarely have sex with their husbands and then wonder why they're left for other women. Sex is a normal part of a decent marriage or relationship and it's entirely normal to want to sort it out if there's a problem with lack of sex. I'm not saying it's reasonable to have an affair, it isn't, but it is reasonable to leave or want to leave a completely sexless relationship.

I felt like this about my exh, and at the root of it was the fact that I simply no longer found him attractive and didn't want to have sex with him. I said that I would like handholding etc other physical affection without there being expectation but the truth was I could cope with that contact, but the intimacy of sex was too much. It was a factor in me ending my marriage as it felt wrong to continue it, who wants to be with someone who cringes at the thought of sex with them? I am in a relationship now where sex is a regular and important part of us being close to each other. I just didn't want to be close to my husband.
Appreciate this is my own situation but some of the things you said struck a chord with me OP.

DadWasHere, I did. Do you think that self-esteem is built from within, or is it something that men give us?

It's funny how self-esteem often takes a dip when we're exhausted, have no free time and aren't feeling valued.

I don't think I've ever seen anyone on MN post about their lack of sex life as a matter of pride, Debbie.

And no. Not everyone sulks. I'm very pleased I don't mix in the same social circles as you, david :) I like adults. Adults get upset. They don't sulk, they talk or deal with it. They certainly don't sulk about sex. They discuss it. There's a big difference between feeling hurt and sulking.

Brightling, whatever is happening, whatever the future, right now he's not listening to you. It's not working. I don't know if counselling will help or not. It would depend on him listening and a counsellor understanding your feelings. But you're definitely not wrong in feeling upset by this.

OP, how would you like your husband to address his frustration?

If you could wave a magic wand, how would this situation be resolved?

Women on mumsnet often seem to post (almost as a point of pride sometimes) that they never or rarely have sex with their husbands and then wonder why they're left for other women

Really? I've not seen that. In fact I'd go so far as to say it's bollocks. Could you provide links to threads to back that up?
Marriages have peaks and troughs, during tough times there is often less sex and being a bully about it is unreasonable behaviour.

What lots of people are trying to say is that his behaviour is not conducive to a good or healthy sex life. It's abusive, he's pestering, sulking, being verbally agressive and threatening. Why would anyone, be that male or female want to be intimate with someone who behaves like that?

I also dislike the "you know you enjoy it when you get going". So I'm supposed to ignore my reluctance and do it anyway?

Well, do you actually enjoy sex when it gets going, or do you not and he is just making this up in his head? If you do enjoy it, that type of reaction is called 'responsive desire', which you can google.

It can confuse and frustrate people who have a more constant libido. Its akin to hearing someone say they genuinely dont want to eat cake, for no other reason than they just dont feel like eating any. Meanwhile the other person is aware that if they can work out how to give them a little taste of cake, they will grab it and tuck into it with gusto and not want to stop. It feels like a total incongruity.

He sounds hideous. Having sex to appease him and make him treat you well will destroy your self esteem and he wouldn't give a shit as long as he can get his end away

But you're definitely not wrong in feeling upset by this

I second that Brightling.

Why men think badgering and being sulky is going to result in you wanting to make love to them is beyond me.

I've just read 'Come as You Are' - highly recommend it for helping you to know you are perfectly normal.

While your DH is going about it all the wrong way, my DH does link being loved with intimacy: if I'm not intimate he worries I don't love him and feels insecure, which makes him anxious, which makes him feel 'fight' (rather than flighty). Irrational to me, but it's true for him. Your DH may feel this way too, especially as he doesn't want to wank and talks about it as making love.

I'd take him up on the counselling offer - he may learn something useful.

Thanks for the mansplaining Dad

I don't think a baby is a good reason not to have sex
^Er, since when the fuck do you have to have a 'reason' not to have sex? Either you want to or you don't want to. If you don't want to, then that alone is reason enough not to have sex, whatever else you have going on, newborn, 10 month old, sulky ridiculous husband or whatever.

If my H was like this I'd lose all respect and desire for him. I wouldn't be having sex with him at all. It's fucking gross. Pressuring you to open your legs for him so he can use your body to effectively wank into/with, even though he knows you don't want to. Fucking rank.

Why would you want to have sex with someone who wasn't saying Hell Yes with gusto, Dadwashere?

I can think of nothing less sexy than having sex with someone who wasn't 100% receptive from the first.

Is that a 'man' thing, or just a 'dadwashere' thing?

His behaviour sounds deeply selfish and abusive. He is basically trying to force you to have sex with him by using emotional abuse/blackmail.

He's not only nasty but also stupid if he doesn't realise the root cause of you not wanting to have sex with him is his abusive behaviour towards you.

If you genuinely think he doesn't realise this and is at root a decent guy then you should probably get counselling sharpish.

Debbieharry said.

"His behaviour isn't the best, agreed, but it's borne of frustration and what he's really saying is that he's desperate for a shag, which is not unreasonable. Plus, he's trying, he's not just moaning, he's cooking you nice dinners and being affectionate and hoping it will lead to a resumption of your sex life. Which also doesn't seem unreasonable to me

Putting kindness coins in and hoping sex comes out!!!!

Cooking dinner is doing his fair share in his OWN house. Or doesnt he need to eat. The fact that you have posted this shows that you see this as womens work.

And the type of poster who would post this would probably also still blame it on the woman if the genders were reversed in the OP and it was the man who didnt want sex.

Then the woman would be asked if she had physically changed in any way e.g. put weight on.

3 weeks without sex is nothing. Cant believe some of the replies on this thread. He sounds vile.

DadWasHere, I did. Do you think that self-esteem is built from within, or is it something that men give us?

My thoughts are that self esteem should, ideally, be built both from within and via interaction with others. But the problem for women is they can be brought up to see themselves as defined by how they think others feel about them. The problem for men is the polar opposite, self esteem is deeply internal in scope and set via their attitudes to their own actions. Both genders lose but in very different ways.

"Threatening an affair is not an aphrodisiac."

THIS!

He is behaving like an absolute arse and tbh the more you post the more it sounds like borderline sexual and emotional abuse. The fact that he withdraws all physical affection (hugs etc) unless he gets sex is AWFUL, he is punishing you for not giving him what he wants. Why is he refusing to masturbate? You are not his sex toy! Of course in an ideal world sex drives would be perfectly matched but in the real world they're not always, and people masturbate.

I'm not sure about therapy because it's not recommended for abusive relationships. He sounds like a manipulative arse and there is a danger he will persuade the therapist that he is the poor wounded, rejected, devoted husband

"the problem for women is they can be brought up to see themselves as defined by how they think others feel about them." Well thanks for telling us what our problems are. And you encouraging someone to feel better about themselves because their husband finds them attractive is going to help that problem how?

I've said to him before about the lack of affection and he says its because he feels constantly rejected.

He is either abusive or an idiot (or both).
If he feels rejected/upset by the lack of sex he needs to talk to you about what would help you feel more in the mood. NOT sulk and withdraw affection like an immature, vengeful, idiot - it's not healthy and it's certainly not attractive!

Why would you want to have sex with someone who wasn't saying Hell Yes with gusto, Dadwashere? Is that a 'man' thing, or just a 'dadwashere' thing?

You should go and inform yourself about how high libido wives feel when married to a low libido husband. Really you should. Society is falsely skewed to think men are 'always up for it' and that women on that same plane are 'over-sexed' or just rare as unicorns.

But if you cut past all that sad, infantile, gender he-should-be she-should-be one-up-man-ship crap, you will find high libido men and women in similar situations with a low libido spouse feel pretty much exactly identical about it, although men externalise it more often as resentment and women internalise it more often as personal failure. For their part low libido partners feel about their own situation much the same way, irrespective of gender.